37. Lizzie
37
LIZZIE
Girls’ night was a blast, and I think it helped. We fell asleep late in various places across the couch and living room floor. I kept my promise to myself to stay away from my phone all night. It felt good, but now all my anxiety is back, wishing Cameron had called or texted me but also hoping he didn’t.
I gather all my stuff and shove it into my bag as Ellie walks into the room.
“Did he reach out?” she asks, the same hope and dread I’m feeling shining in her eyes.
“I don’t know. I’m too scared to check.” I swipe my phone from the charger and quickly pass it to her. “You look. Don’t tell me what they say if there are messages, though. I’m not ready for that.”
Ellie looks at the phone for a few seconds, then hands it back to me. “One missed call and two text messages.”
I want to read them. I want to know…but I also don’t. This is the stupidest feeling. So I shove the phone in my bag, not willing to read them.
Lia and I say our goodbyes to Ellie and then head downstairs so she can drive me home.
“How you doing?” Lia asks sympathetically once we’re in the car and on the road.
“Fine. I’ll be fine. There’s no need to worry about me. I promise.” I’m trying to be convincing but also not break down in tears again.
“It’s okay to not be okay, Liz. You’re in love with him.”
I laugh because hearing that out loud is even worse.
“Lia…Cameron and I had a thing for a couple of months. That’s it. There was no love or betrayal on his part. He never promised me a happily ever after and surely never said he loved me. Neither did I. Plus, I’ve had enough time to think about it. I’m sure enough people at the restaurant saw me get ditched by Brian.”
“That may be true, but he said hurtful things to you because he couldn’t handle the truth being thrown in his face.” Lia’s voice has gone up, and I can tell she’s getting mad. She hates it when I play things down and act like they’re no big deal.
“Maybe. But it’s not like what he said was wrong. I do live in a bubble here in Brantley Falls. Who am I to give him advice or push him out of his comfort zone? I overstepped.”
“You didn’t overstep. What you said was completely within your rights as his girlfriend. Even a friend would have the right to tell him that, for God’s sake. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if all his friends have.”
I know what my best friend is saying is most likely true, but it’s easier to use that as the reason that everything imploded versus the plethora of others my mind is coming up with.
I take a deep breath and slowly blow it out as we’re pulling down the road leading to my parents’ farm and Cameron’s. I need to be prepared for whatever’s coming. I can’t hide from Cameron forever, and I’m going to be seeing him and the girls tonight at the art show.
“Thanks for last night, Lia. I needed it. And thanks for dealing with the hot mess I am.”
“Where else would I be when my best friend needs me?” Lia puts her car in park and then leans over and wraps me in the tightest hug, squeezing all the air out of me, just like we’ve done since we were kids. “Promise me you’ll talk to him? You both deserve that,” she whispers in my ear and adds, “And then let me know about the castration. I’ll be ready.”
I laugh at that and nod because I’m feeling too emotional and don’t trust myself to answer her out loud. When I get out of the car, I glance over at Cameron’s house, noticing his truck is gone and sighing in relief for some more moments of peace.
As soon as I close the door behind me, I beeline for my bed upstairs and get under the covers. I don’t know if all the crying has made me tired or if sleeping is just an easy way to escape reality, but regardless, I doze off for a couple of hours. I check my phone once I clamber out of bed and notice Ellie texted saying she wouldn’t be able to make it to the art show tonight because she had to cover a shift for someone who called out sick.
I was looking forward to her being there, and, selfishly, I need as much support as possible right now.
After reading her message, I decide it’s finally time to look at the ones Cameron sent me.
Cameron: I’m sorry. I know that I’ll never be able to say this enough, but I need you to know that I regret everything I said. I meant none of it. You have to believe me.
Cameron: You mean everything to me and I won’t stop fighting for you. For us. When you’re ready to talk, I’ll make this right.
Reading the words on the screen sends me into another crying fit, and I don’t answer because I honestly don’t know how to. Part of me wants him to fight for me and what we have. The other part of me thinks that it isn’t worth the trouble—that I’m not worth the trouble.
When I’m alone, that’s where my brain goes. When I was with Ellie and Lia, it was easy to shove those thoughts to the back of my mind. Without them, I make myself believe he said what he said because deep down inside, he feels that way. And if he feels that way, it was never going to last.
I jump in the shower and try my best to cover up the bags under my eyes with concealer. Newsflash, I’m not successful. I throw on a pair of leggings and a baggy shirt and then pack a change of clothes for later. I grab a granola bar and a bottle of water from my kitchen, and before I know it, it’s time to leave and set up for tonight.
After driving to my studio, I spend the next two hours putting on all the artwork that the kids created on display. I’ve transformed the space into a makeshift art gallery, and it makes me happy to see all the raw talent being shown off. I walk around and admire all the hard work and creativity that the kids put into it. I’m so proud, and it just confirms that working with kids is what I was meant to do.
It gets me thinking that if I move to Chicago, I won’t be able to do it anymore, and it makes me really sad. And mad.
Why did I have to fall in love with him and his girls?
The thought of losing Addy and Mackenzie breaks my heart just as much as losing Cameron. They’re the brightest, sweetest, smartest kids I’ve ever met, and I don’t know how I’ll be able to cope with not having them in my life.
Having them near me every day but not being there with them will be too much. I just know it. Which is why I know I have to leave. Or at least try. Even though I’m worried that this may affect the girls. I don’t want them to feel abandoned again either.
But if I stay, I’m afraid I’ll become the delegated babysitter or the old friend who’s always available to help. And I won’t even be able to say no because I love Addy and Mackenzie and I love spending time with them.
I have ten minutes left before all the kids and their families arrive, so I run to the back and change into a pretty floral dress and brown wedge heels. My hair is up already, so I mess with it a little, making it look like a more natural and looser updo before I head back up front.
I hear the door open and turn around, thankful it’s just Lia, her hands full of coffee and pastries from Francine’s. Trailing behind her is Ellie, and I’m suddenly feeling emotional again at having my supportive friends here.
“I thought you had to work tonight, Ellie.”
“I do, but I had to make an escape for a few minutes. Liam has been sitting in the bakery all afternoon just watching me. He seriously won’t take no for an answer.” She looks exhausted in daylight, and I’m not sure if it’s due to Liam’s relentless behavior or all the hours she puts in at Francine’s, but something has got to give soon. Even last night didn’t seem to help her at all.
“Would that be such a bad thing, Els? I mean, he hasn’t given up pursuing you, and it’s been two months. Maybe you should give him a chance,” Lia advises.
“No. No, it will never work out. We’re way too different, and he thinks I’m someone I’m not. He’ll give up soon.” The way she says all this makes me sad. I can see the longing looks she gives Liam when he’s not looking and the sparkle in her eyes whenever he’s even brought up.
I don’t know the details of what went down with them in Chicago when they first met, but I do know that she had just come out of a bad breakup, and her ex made her feel like absolute shit. Maybe she’s letting that hold her back.
I just want my friend to be happy. I know Liam is a great guy, but for some reason, she doesn’t think she deserves that happiness with him.
I exchange a look with Lia that means We have to do something. But then she opens her mouth, and what comes out of it is not the upbeat encouragement I was expecting.
“Well, maybe we can form some kind of lonely girls club and talk about all the shitty things guys do and how we’d get back at them if we ever had the chance.” Lia says all nonchalantly while sipping her iced coffee.
Wait, what?
I’m suddenly concerned that I’ve missed something big. Her tough, badass exterior is a mask, but I can usually see through it. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own life, though, that I’ve been a terrible friend.
“Is this about that professor? Why have you been acting like it was no big deal? You seemed happy that it ended.”
“I am happy. But it hurt, and I’m not looking forward to having to see him and interact with him on a daily basis once the semester starts.”
“I’m sorry Lia. I’ve been a crappy friend this summer. Listen, we’ve got two weeks before you go back to school. Let’s spend this time doing as much together as we can. Just the three of us, no guys or all the drama that comes with them. We can go dancing and out to dinner and shopping and have sleepovers. Take our minds off everything,” I enthusiastically offer, hoping they agree. It feels like we all need this.
“I thought you were moving to Chicago,” Lia points out, like she’s catching me in a lie.
“What? You are?” Ellie asks frantically.
“I mean, probably,” I respond quickly. “I don’t know yet. I’ll go out for a few days when my next project needs to be delivered and see if I like it.”
“I don’t know what’s going to happen between you and Cam, but I don’t think you’ll have as much free time as you think for us,” Ellie says. Her eyes go big as she looks over my shoulder at the door. “And you’re definitely not moving to Chicago. He’ll literally tie you to his bed to stop that from happening. Judging by the look on his face anyway.”
Shit.
I turn around and head to the door, opening it for Cameron and the girls. Addy and Mackenzie immediately wrap me up in hugs, and I can see that they’re holding the gifts I gave them yesterday.
“Thank you for the stuffed animals, Lizzie,” Addy screeches and then hugs me again.
“Thank you so much, Lizzie. It’s the nicest thing I’ve ever gotten,” Mackenzie tells me in a hushed tone.
I bend down and wrap my arms around her and keep my eyes closed because I can feel the knot in my throat telling me that the tears are coming.
“Please don’t leave us,” she whispers into my ear.
“Never,” I say without hesitation, squeezing her tighter.
“Dad says you’re mad at him but that he’s going to fix it. He even said he was dumb,” Addy adds in my other ear.
“Yes, he said that,” Mackenzie confirms.
I can’t stop myself from smiling. I can feel Cameron’s eyes on me, as well as Lia’s and Ellie’s, but I don’t dare look at any of them. This is my moment with the girls.
After another half minute, we separate, and I lead them to where their artwork is displayed. There are oohs and aahs , and I love seeing how proud they are of what they created. They both talk non-stop to their dad, explaining every piece they made in detail. Why they chose a certain color or did a certain thing to the clay.
Their excitement makes me smile and before I know it, more kids and their families are coming through the door and sharing in all the joy. I try to stay away from Cameron throughout the hour-long art show, and I’m careful not to make eye contact or look in his direction. Whenever Addy and Mackenzie come to speak to me or hang out, Lia talks to Cameron a few feet away and distracts him as much as possible until the girls move on to someone or something else.
I busy myself by taking turns talking to different kids and their family members throughout the small room. Nikki and Cody come by with their gang, as well as Morgan, who shows support for her nieces and nephews. If they suspect something is going on between Cameron and me, they don’t let on, and I’ve never been more grateful for it.
Renee never shows up, so I assume she left town or is busying herself elsewhere. Not being here for Addy and Mackenzie is not surprising in the least, and it also confirms that she didn’t come to Brantley Falls to see the girls. She came to start trouble.
Did I allow her to do that?
Overall, the art show is a hit, and as each family gets ready to leave, I pack up their child’s pottery pieces and send them on their way with thanks and goodbyes.
As the room gets more and more empty, my anxiety peaks with fear that Cameron will try to pull me aside and hash everything out. I’m surprised that they’re still even here, to be honest, considering they were the first to arrive.
I’ve noticed that Cameron is taking every opportunity he can to talk to people and catch up, which I know he hates doing. So, the fact that he’s enduring this can only mean that he’s trying to wait me out.
Maybe I should talk to him now—get it all out there and over with. We can move on, and maybe it won’t be so bad. In fact, the longer we let it go unresolved, the more awkward it will become, right?
Right. Just rip the Band-Aid off.
I turn around and see Cameron staring at me. A look of sadness in his eyes, his body tense, clearly trying to stay away, even though he doesn’t want to. My traitorous body doesn’t want him to either. It tears me up inside, and part of me wants to run to him.
I stuff that part of me down and stomp on it. I should wait until I feel less emotional about it all, so I pack up more pottery and say goodbye to the last few kids and their parents. I took the liberty of getting Addy and Mackenzie’s pieces wrapped up in tissue and putting them in a box right at the start to try and avoid…this.
I smell Cameron’s distinct woodsy scent before I feel his presence behind me. He puts his hand on my lower back and leans down to my ear, and I hear him take a deep inhale before he speaks.
My knees go weak just having him near me.
“Lizzie. Please talk to me.” His voice is clipped, like he’s in pain. I know I am.
“I’m not ready. I have a lot to say, and I feel like none of it will come out the way I want it to right now.” I brace myself against the table so I don’t give in to my body’s urge to lean back into him. To feel his warmth and closeness and breathe in his scent from the source.
“Baby, I can’t let you go. I’ll never be able to let you go. What I said was horrible, and I understand why you’d want nothing to do with me, but I’ll never stop fighting for you. You have to know that.”
“How would I know that? Our relationship was superficial. You’ve staked your claim on me, yet you’ve never really told me how you feel.” I turn around now because I can’t keep talking to the table. I’m not that big of a coward. “Except yesterday. You expressed how you felt about me yesterday. Your timing and delivery may have sucked, but I did appreciate the honesty for once.”
“I didn’t mean any of that?—”
“You still said it,” I interrupt. “You didn’t just pull it out of thin air. It’s what held you back in the beginning, and it’s what’s still holding you back now.”
“Lizzie—” he tries again, but I quickly cut him off, needing to get everything out now that I’ve started.
“I’m in love with you, Cameron Dylan. And I love your girls and what we’ve been doing these past couple of months. But I let myself fall too hard for the fantasy life we’ve been living. And I know that’s on me and not you. I know where you stood regarding us and what we were and weren’t. I played a part in messing this up too, so I’m not mad at you or blaming you.”
I’m met with silence, and I immediately regret telling him how I feel. I shouldn’t have said that I loved him. I should have kept that part to myself. Now I’m going to be met with a look of pity every time we see each other moving forward.
“Look, I’m trying to make this easier for you. Just a clean break. I can’t take back what I just said, nor do I want to, but maybe let’s just sweep it under the rug and not bring it up.” I’m looking down now, too afraid he’ll see the embarrassment and hurt all over my face.
“I don’t want that, Lizzie,” he says quickly, but I cut him off again because I know I’ll break down if he says something sweet just to placate my feelings.
“Listen, I think some space will be good for us. It’ll let everything blow over. When I’m not in your life every day, you’ll see that I never actually had a long-term place in it. We can just go back to being neighbors, and I can help out with the girls whenever you need me to.”
I’m met with another bout of silence and wish the floor would swallow me whole again.
Without a backward glance, I rush to the back room and close the door behind me. I need to leave and get away from Cameron. Going away for a few days is definitely the right call. In the meantime, today, I’ll hide out in here until I know the coast is clear.
Except when I move to close the door, Cameron’s foot is there. He pushes his hand against the wood too, stopping me from escaping. My eyes go from his foot to his hand to his face. He looks…determined?
“No, Lizzie. You don’t get to tell me you love me and my girls and then in the same breath ask me to forget I ever heard it. That’s not going to work.” I open my mouth to speak, but he holds his other hand out. “No. Now it’s time you listen. The girls are in love with you. The number of times they asked me where you were and if you’d be sleeping over… They want you there. With us. You belong with us.”
I gather my courage and try again. “Camer?—”
“But more than that…I love you, Lizzie. I keep saying the wrong things over and over and hurting you, but I love you.” He runs his hand through his hair. “I’ll be at your house tonight so we can talk. Please let me in. That’s all I’m asking.”
Then he moves away, goes to the girls and tells them something that gets them all excited, and suddenly they’re out the door.
And I’m still standing there, holding the doorknob as those four words keep playing in my head.
I love you, Lizzie.