Chapter 44
Rotator cuff tendonitis. I’m lucky it didn’t tear. Roman made sure I knew that.
His verbal beatdown is already forgotten, though. I’ll feel guilty about how distracted I was during our conversation later. Right now, all of my focus is on the woman standing just inside my hotel room.
She told me she loves me. How am I supposed to pay attention to anything besides her? I’ve never been able to do that before, and she hadn’t uttered those words at all. Now I’m fucked.
“You should lie down. I’ll get some ice and rub that cream on your shoulder so you can get some sleep. The Advil is in my bag.”
In a daze, I watch her tear through the room as if she’s already been here a million times.
She’s determined to take care of me, and my heart flops around like a fish on dry land.
I could tell her that I’ll be fine with the shoulder brace and cortisone shot I was given before we left the clinic.
My pain is tolerable now that I’m not throwing.
There’s no reason for her to be fussing so much.
I keep my mouth shut.
“I’m serious. Lay. Down.” She jabs a finger at the bed. “You should have told me that you were in pain before. Now you’ll be missing games, and I know how much you love playing.”
Still not speaking, my footsteps are silent on the carpet. When I sit where she wants me, I tip my head back to look at her. This position is one of my favourites because she’s above me rather than below. It makes my cock hard to have to look up, though I’d prefer to be on my knees while I do it.
My hands find the backs of her thighs, and I dig my fingers into their softness.
She blows out a soft breath, holding the back of my head.
The casual touch feels like anything but right now.
Our connection is like a current flowing through where we touch, and I can’t get enough of it.
I could spend the rest of my life right here, doing nothing more than touching her and feeling as the distance that had grown between us shrinks entirely.
“I was so worried when Kellan called,” she whispers.
“I’m sorry. I wanted you to hear it from one of us rather than online.”
“Don’t apologize. When I was waiting to board, I called your mom and told her. I wasn’t thinking clearly, so if you’re mad, I get it. You should have been the one to do that when you were ready.”
My smile starts slow, creeping up as I lean forward and press my face to her belly. She tenses before quickly relaxing again, playing with my hair.
“I’m not mad. Thank you for letting her know. I wasn’t thinking clearly, either. My focus was making sure you knew.”
“I did manage to convince her not to fly out after me. You’ll need to go see her when you’re home, if she isn’t already there waiting.”
I huff a laugh. “She better not be. I want time alone with you.”
“Right now doesn’t count?”
“It won’t be nearly enough.”
Her swallow is loud, urging me to pull back so I can meet her gaze.
Nerves twist her features. I place a kiss over her belly button and pull back, bringing me with me until she’s standing completely between my legs.
My shoulder only twinges a bit when I recline on the bed and watch her, hoping she can recognize the utter awe I’m feeling.
With pieces of red hair falling out of her claw clip and her face void of any makeup, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever had the honour of looking at, let alone having as mine. I soak in the sight of her, breathing deeply, calm. She grows curious, and I wet my lips before speaking.
“I love you, Quinny. That hasn’t and won’t change.”
“What if I’m secretly a serial killer?”
“I’ll ask you to teach me what you know so we can be the most successful serial-killing duo in history.”
“And if I admitted that I wanted to wait for marriage to have sex with anyone again?”
“Then I’ll wait until we get married.”
Her lips tug, then go flat when she presses them together. “You have an answer for everything.”
“No, I’m just sure about you. I’m not going to change my mind.”
“Can I sit?” she asks, shoulders falling in what I’m taking as acceptance.
“’Course, baby.”
The bed dips beside me, and I immediately reach for her hand, placing it over my chest. She looks at me and worries her lip, her palm warm against me.
“I don’t know why I’m so scared of this. You knew me back then—well, not really. Knew of me, I guess. It shouldn’t surprise you that I had a rough childhood. I think everyone knew at one point.”
“I guessed. That’s all anyone could do. If they pretended to know anything absolute, they were talking out of their ass.”
She clears her throat, nodding. “It was hard. My mother is an addict. Or she was. Probably still is. I haven’t seen her in eleven years, so I can’t be sure anymore.”
I nod, running my palm over her knuckles.
“The day I turned eighteen, I took Callie and moved us into an apartment I found that would risk renting to someone without a credit background. My mom wasn’t always so bad.
For the early parts of my childhood, she was neglectful by choice, not because the drugs influenced her to be.
It was once I got older, and she started realizing that I could be relied on to do the things she never wanted to, that she kind of . . . let herself go.
“My nan tried to take us in before we left, but I refused to let her. I knew that she wanted us, and that she was prepared to do anything to take us away from our mother, but I made the decision to keep us in our trailer until I was confident that I could take care of Callie somewhere else. If CPS had been called, they would have separated us, and if the child benefit money stopped being deposited into Mom’s account, well, I didn’t know what would have happened to her.
Nan was already old when she had my mother.
Her knees were giving out one by one; she didn’t have a license to drive.
Her pension wasn’t big, and forcing her to stretch it to take care of the two of us wasn’t something I was going to allow.
I needed to take everyone on myself. She apologized often on behalf of her daughter, but I never once blamed her for anything.
“I wish I could tell you that watching her two children leave shook something out of my mother and made her decide that she wanted to get clean, but it didn’t.
Thinking back on that day, I’m almost positive she was high when we did and didn’t register more than me screaming at her before stepping outside with our bags.
I can count on one hand the number of times I ever saw her completely sober, and even then, she was a pathetic excuse of a mother.
“We always struggled. The bills were never paid on time, if ever. Our fridge was empty, and the cleaning was only done when I had the time to do it after school or late at night when she was gone and not taking up space on the couch. I started working when I was fourteen and had to lie on my resume so the owner of Lucy’s Diner thought I was fifteen.
If we had food in the fridge before then, it was what I’d managed to take from Nan’s house or could lift from the convenience store without getting caught.
Our power was shut off multiple times, and I eventually learned how to use her government information to open accounts with other companies we didn’t owe money to. ”
Her voice cracks, and a sense of protectiveness washes over me.
With a tug, she tumbles onto my chest, just barely digging her elbow into the mattress and sinking deep, hovering above me.
I reach for her leg and drape it over mine, needing her closer.
She melts into me, accepting the support I’m offering.
“I’ve tried to block out the memories I have from the first eighteen years of my life.
No kid should know to check for rogue needles before letting her little sister out of their bedroom so she didn’t step on one or try putting it into her mouth.
I shouldn’t have had to bribe a teenager from down the street to drive me to the hardware store so that I could buy another lock to put on our bedroom door for the nights Mom let her dealer in.
It still turns my stomach. All of it. And there are a million other stories that I remember at the worst times.
Even when I try so hard to forget them.”
I track a tear as it drips down her cheek and into the divot above her upper lip before thumbing it away. Her breathing is shallow and strained, worrying me. But I keep my mouth shut, knowing she needs to get this out.
“I’ve never had anyone but Nan and Callie.
It was never Callie’s job to take care of me, and Nan was so old and only got more tired and stressed as the years went on.
Nobody—” She squeezes my hand so hard my knuckles ache, and I keep still, letting her.
“You came out of nowhere, and suddenly, there was someone who didn’t need me to look out for them but instead wanted to take care of me.
It should have made me happy and relaxed.
I wanted to accept what you were so willing to offer, but all it did was terrify me because I didn’t know what to do with any of it. ”
“I know,” I declare, needing her to hear me.
She avoids looking me in the eyes, but I don’t let her hide.
She leans into the hand I press to her face and meets my gaze.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I knew I needed to slow down, but I didn’t.
That’s on me, not you. You don’t need to apologize for anything that happened to you.
It shaped you into who you are today, and the woman I see right here on this bed is my wildest wish come true. ”
Her cheeks deepen in colour. “No. I don’t . . . You’re perfect, Beck. This was all on me. I pushed you away because you got too close, and by the time I realized that, I was already in love with you.”
“I’ll accept that point, but not you blaming yourself like this. You don’t ever need to apologize for your trauma. I’m grateful that you shared all of this with me. I want you to be treated the way you deserve, and that’s all I want to do.”
“You don’t think I’m rusty now?” she chokes out.
I scrunch my brows. “What?”
“I was shiny and perfect, and now I’ve got rust spots and dents that you’ll see every time you look at me.”
The only noise she makes when I grip her hips and roll her onto my stomach is a tiny, adorable squeak. I gather her face in my hands and bring her in close, our mouths close enough to brush but not touch completely. Lids at half-mast, she watches me with blinding devotion.
“The only thing I see when I look at you is my future. And it’s bright as fuck, baby.”
Her laugh is wet as fresh tears streak down her face. I begin kissing them away until I find her lips and get lost there, getting completely off track.
Though it feels like I’m right where I need to be.