DUKE, AKA SUFFERING FROM A BOOGER AVERSION
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In Dunphey, I lost track of the real world. Edith is intoxicating. She makes me crazy and hopeful. The woman feels perfect in my arms, sharing my bed, and on the back of my bike. Our future seems like a done deal.
I get a jolt of reality as soon as I return to Basin Rock. Edith’s dealbreaker comes back to me. If I want to keep her, I’ll need to give her a baby.
So, of course, everywhere I go, I see whiny, stinky, booger-eating, manipulative, dumb-as-fuck children. I lose the ability to remember the good stuff about my girls when they were young. I can only recall the overripe diapers and weird-smelling vomit. I imagine their toddler kicks to my balls and their sticky fingers in my hair. Oh, God, and the constant screaming from their newborn late-night feedings through their teenage tantrums! Though Lola and Clover weren’t monsters, they seem that way once I strip out all the fun stuff from their childhood.
I can’t do it again. I’m certain I’ll need to end things with Edith to protect her from missing out on motherhood. I was nuts to start this relationship with such a young woman!
Walking away makes perfect sense until I see Edith’s face. Or hear her voice. Or even simply read her text messages. Suddenly, the real Edith—rather than just the baby-crazy version—feels impossibly perfect. I can’t let her go. Losing her will kill me. Maybe a baby wouldn’t be a hassle. I can suddenly remember all the good times from my daughters’ childhoods.
I’m back in my “bring it on” mode when Edith and I spend the night at a Rockwell hotel. Arriving in one of my spare SUVs, I’m dressed in my most “middle-aged dad” outfit. The sweatshirt was a gift from Cubby who apparently thinks I need XXL. I look sloppy when I check into the hotel. No one pays me any attention. Edith slips in a back entrance, and we stay hidden away all night.
We ought to be as careful the next day. Instead, after we check out, Edith and I cuddle up in my SUV.
“I considered sneaking you into my house, but Clover keeps odd hours. Erin is also always in and out. There’s no casual way to ask them to stay away.”
“Why not tell them you want private time with your stripper girlfriend?”
Chuckling, I say, “They’d probably spy through the windows. Lola would be out there, too.”
“It won’t be much longer,” Edith says and slides her hand up my sweatshirt. “When will I see you next?”
“My house is about to get more crowded. I called Kerrie and told her to fly in early to surprise Lola. I knew she wasn’t grasping what was happening here. She believes Lola is marrying a loser to help the family. I explained how she was missing out on a special time in Lola’s life.”
“Will Kerrie stay with you?”
“That’s the plan.”
“We’ll still see each other, won’t we?” Edith asks, suddenly alarmed. “The wedding isn’t for a week.”
I glance toward the hotel. The breakfast was decent. Food delivery is available. The place is clean. The bed has solid springs.
“What if I reserved a room here for the next week?” I suggest and wrap my arms around her. “That way, we can show up here whenever we want. We could meet for lunch. Or stay overnight. We could treat it like an apartment until my place is an option.”
Edith’s eyes brighten as she looks around. “I worried about going so long without seeing you,” she says as her gaze returns to me. “I feel like a junkie always worrying about my next fix.”
“It’ll only be a little longer,” I promise and kiss her still-bruised knuckles. “We’ll keep working on our list of things we want to do once we’re no longer hiding.”
“I want to go fishing with you,” she says. “And I want to ride around Basin Rock on your motorcycle while you show me all the important places.”
At that moment, I’m ready to give Edith whatever she needs to be happy. A man in love will convince him of many outlandish things.
Yet, later, when I’m at home, sitting on my front porch, I find myself struggling to imagine myself having a kid Clover’s age when I’m sixty. That part freaks me out.
My brain scrambles for something soothing. I imagine Edith sitting on the porch with me one day. Can she be happy here with no one to shoot her with water pistols?
My mind inserts a baby into the image of Edith on the porch with me. I can picture her wearing a beautiful smile. She craves motherhood in a way that shouldn’t be denied. I can either embrace fatherhood again or walk away.
The next few days get crazy. I feel awkward as fuck at the tux store with Edith’s dad and brothers standing feet away. More than once, I feel Donovan eyeing me, but I never catch him. My mind is likely playing tricks on me.
Then, Kerrie flies into West Virginia early to surprise Lola. My ex-wife wasn’t prepared for Val’s good looks. I probably should have shown her a few pictures to prevent all the staring she does at the pre-wedding rehearsal.
“You’re a good pa,” Val tells me later that night when the women are at McGraw’s Diner while I hang out with Val, the meatheads, and the Rawkfist club at my bar. “Lola needed her ma here.”
My first instinct is to blow off Val’s praise. I know I did right by my daughter. I don’t need Val patting my back all the time.
Then, I remind myself how I’m not only this young man’s future father-in-law and club president. He’s Edith’s cousin. His family will be all tied up with mine, and the homestead people like to make declarations.
That’s why West gives two speeches during our time at the clubhouse. In the first one, he states he’s proud of everything Val’s been able to accomplish in life in spite of his small dick. The second speech is to remark on how he’ll have his brother’s back when Val inevitably fails.
The meatheads and I frown during each speech, but the Rawkfist and homestead guys all nod approvingly as if West isn’t acting like a dipshit.
This is my new life. No longer able to stand on the side as an observer, I’ll be forced to engage with these loud, goofy people.
The night before the wedding, I visit Lola in her hotel room. Most of the homestead families are bunking here. Kerrie and Clover are in the next room. Erin is across the hall. My room is near the stairs. I’ve slipped away once to meet Edith. With our people moving freely around the hotel, we can only share several minutes together before we return to our separate spaces.
“Nervous about tomorrow?” I ask Lola who sits in the side chair and seems lost in thought.
“Not even a little bit.”
I smile at her certainty. “I was never sure if I believed in the curse. It’s possible we never gave love a fair shake. Seeing you this happy makes me think the curse was never real.”
“I believe what I feel for Val is magic. If you had the chance at this feeling years ago, you wouldn’t have blown it off because of the curse. It would have consumed you like it did me.”
Lola’s words hit me down deep. Though I wish I could fess up to how right she is, I only smile.
“I saw the bridesmaids getting their super soakers ready for any trouble tomorrow,” I say, chuckling. “Clover was walking around with hers when I came here.”
Lola and I laugh at how infectious the homestead’s behavior has been. The meatheads are even behaving better with Val around. He’s a superstar with a growing fan club. It’s the weirdest shit I’ve ever seen.
“Are you okay?” Lola asks when I remain silent for too long.
“I want tomorrow to go perfectly. You deserve to have a beautiful wedding. It’s stressing me out.”
Lola stands up and hugs me. “Things are turning out well, right?”
“They’re great,” I say, wishing she wouldn’t worry so much about my problems. “My panic might have been over nothing. But it led to this thing with Val and the homestead. Even Clover seems happier. I’ve never seen her want to hang out with women who weren’t family.”
Lola exhales deeply and offers me a big smile. “I love Val. I know you know that, but I like saying it out loud. No more hiding my feelings. I plan to be obnoxious about my love from now on.”
“I don’t like that you kept this Val thing from me, but I understand why you did. We’ve always tried to be so sensible about our relationships with nonfamily. Each time Erin got divorced, she pretended like she knew it would happen, so it didn’t hurt. But we aren’t machines. It’s okay to feel scared or get attached. I think an emotional guy like Val will be a good influence on us.”
Lola instantly smiles at any praise for her man. At first, I was annoyed by how she felt the need to protect him from nonthreats. The guy is no weakling and doesn’t need her to play backup. Yet, the longer I’m with Edith, the more I worry about her safety, even when I know she’s with her people. No matter what I do, she’s always in my thoughts.
Lola’s obsessive need for Val makes sense now, but I can’t share that fact with her yet.
“I miss Val,” she says and looks at the door. “I’ve gotten used to having him around at night. Think you could hang around for a while and entertain me?”
Lola and I play cards for an hour before Val calls to ask if they can watch a movie together while in separate rooms. I leave her to goof around with her soon-to-be husband and head to my room. I text Edith to see if she wants to watch a movie together. She says Roxie is in the room, so she’ll have to refer to me as Philip and pretend I’m a nerdy accountant with a goofy haircut.
“Why did you give him that haircut?”
“I was in a silly mood. Also, my brothers are less likely to track down someone so lame.”
“Well, I can be Philip for tonight.”
Edith calls me up so we can watch “Ghostbusters 2” together. We stay on the phone until ten. I text her in the morning, but she can barely respond with all the hair and makeup prep going on with Lola and the other bridesmaids.
The next time I see her is when she prepares to walk down the aisle. Edith is a vision, and I struggle to peel my gaze away from her. I catch her peeking at me. Based on her little smile, she likes me dressed in my tux.
The rest of the day is a blur of wedding vows, awkward dancing, and a water pistol battle against a floozy who shows up to claim Val. Through it all, I’m torn between enjoying Lola’s big day and imagining when Edith will be the one walking down the aisle toward me.