EDITH, AKA GOING FULL EARLHAM
––––––––
The wedding is beautiful, and the reception is fun. We even nearly drown a troublemaker with our super soakers. Val and Lola can’t keep their hands off each other. They share that magic I saw growing up. Everything comes together with both families and clubs getting along well.
The day after the wedding, I wake up wondering if I should make plans to tell people about Duke. Is it too soon? I decide I should wait a few days. Maybe another week.
For days, Duke struggles to meet up with me for more than an hour here or there. Kerrie and Marv were still bunking at his house.
My ma doesn’t hound me to fess up, but I sense her wondering why I keep quiet. My goal is to think long-term and remain patient.
Then, this morning, I wake up scattered and emotional. I miss Duke. I’ve started doubting we’ll survive our families’ reactions. Everything we shared is over!
My period is also late. It’s probably just stress. I haven’t been sleeping well. I either eat too much or skip meals. I’ve gotten paranoid again.
All morning, I pace around the empty house until I’m basically circling the couch for thirty minutes while Ace Monroe plays on repeat.
Eventually, I text Tuesday for help. Outside the house, my brothers yell playful insults at West. He hollers back. The homestead is alive with its usual fun, yet I’m trapped in this house with only my angst to keep me company.
Tuesday simply glows as she enters the house. Love has been so easy for her while it makes me unhinged. I’m certain I’ve lost my dream guy despite Duke texting me an hour ago with a picture of his breakfast at his ma’s diner. He’s also been calling me to complain about Dallas who is threatening to visit and “put Val to the test.” Duke and I have been in constant communication, yet he feels a million miles away. I’m losing my damn mind!
Stopping me from making another circle around the couch, Tuesday asks, “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t say,” I mumble before crying, “I won’t say!”
Tuesday flinches at my high-pitched words. Rebounding quickly, she murmurs, “Whoa, you deflowered minx, what’s happening? Is this about your boyfriend?”
“Maybe,” I whisper, avoiding her hug. “Help me.”
“I’m trying, but I don’t know what’s wrong.”
“I messed up,” I whisper and look around like someone might be spying. “I did the spermicide and condom method. I was very careful about doing it right. Well, mostly. But during that first night, when we were half-asleep...”
When I don’t finish, Tuesday nods. “You needed a late-night jizz snack and skipped the condom.”
“I thought the spermicide was still working, but it’s not as foolproof.”
“No, it’s not. But why are you panicking? Hasn’t it only been like a week?”
“It was two weeks ago.”
Tuesday’s blue eyes widen and grow bright before she asks in a loud whisper, “Wait, are you late?”
“Yes!” I squeal and start hyperventilating.
“Have you taken a test?”
Regaining control of myself, I whisper, “No.”
“I can get you one.”
“No, then, I’ll know the answer.”
“But that’s the right choice here.”
“No,” I say, pulling her closer. “If I know, I’ll have to tell Duke. He’ll think I’m trapping him. If I don’t know, I can let things work out more organically.”
“Um, okay. Let’s do that.”
Nodding along with Tuesday, I feel calmer until I think of Duke’s reaction.
“He’s not sure he wants kids,” I hiss at Tuesday and then whimper, “I’m trying to be brave and believe in the magic.”
“The magic is real.”
“What if it’s not for me? Duke might leave me.”
“Even if he dumps you, he’ll soon realize he’s making a mistake and come back. You’ll only need to cry for a few minutes.”
Thinking of how Bullet temporarily left the homestead, breaking Tuesday’s heart for all of fifteen minutes, I mumble, “I’m not you, and Duke isn’t Bullet.”
“No, of course, you aren’t me, honey. That’s why you used store-bought birth control instead of the heavy-duty shit I use.”
“You know the pill makes me hostile toward all male humans.”
“To be fair, you were also terrifying to female humans.”
“Help me.”
“I am,” Tuesday insists and strokes my head. “Just be rational.”
“I can’t!” I squeal, bouncing backward and feeling under attack. “I know it’s happening! I’m out of control! I can’t be me! I’m not a person of knowledge!”
“What?”
Studying Tuesday, I consider how I’ve tried to be more like her over the last few weeks. I want to be reckless and stupid. But she’s always gotten away with doing whatever she wanted without any real consequences. My recklessness might have created life and ruined my chance at love!
“Duke’s going to think I’m a sneaky swamp-slut-maggot-fuck-face-whore rabbit.”
“No, no, he won’t,” Tuesday insists while resting her hands on my shoulders. “Well, maybe the rabbit one.”
I don’t know what comes over me. My pregnancy panic slams into my weeks of unease over keeping secrets. All my emotions wrap up together and awaken the part of me typically kept in check.
Tuesday backs away when the shrill scream rises out of my wide-open mouth.
Her eyes get bright and crazy. She’s feeding off my drama. She understands what’s happening.
“What the hell?” Ike and Otto ask from the now open door.
“It’s happening!” Tuesday says, bouncing around. “Run away, boys! Run for your lives!”
“Tell me what this is about,” Otto demands.
I turn toward him, still screaming and getting louder. He backs away and knocks into Ike.
“Edith’s gone mad,” Otto mutters.
“No, she’s gone Earlham!” Tuesday cries and jumps on the couch. “She’s giving herself over to her inner drama llama locked away for twenty-six years!”
“Edith, it’s okay,” Ike says, walking toward me with his hands raised. “You are in a safe space.”
I can’t turn off my crazy! I prance in place while squealing like a crazed little girl. Tuesday does absolutely nothing to calm me down.
“Let the world hear you!” she cries while dancing around me and clapping.
“Stop egging her on,” Otto scolds our cousin who lovingly flips him off.
Ike walks around our brother and approaches me as my scream goes on and on. “Is this a lady issue?”
A hurricane of thoughts fills my head, spawning more hand-waving and dancing feet.
What if I’m carrying Duke’s baby? What if he dumps me? What if he only marries me to make a family for his kid but always resents me? What if I’m a bad ma? What if I’m not pregnant and I’m only a few days late because of stress? Have I flipped the frick out over nothing?
Looking into Ike’s eyes, I remember how he was so sure about his ghost woman. He met Oana while drunk. He couldn’t remember her name. Yet, he believed.
Why can’t I trust in the same magic? Is Duke the wrong guy for me? Or has my common sense derailed my trust in the magic?
I can’t ask Ike for help. He won’t understand. He won his dream girl. His faith paid off. My panic will make no sense to him.
So, I scream louder, hoping he’ll take the hint and run away. Ike stares at me as if I’ve lost my damn mind, but he refuses to flee. Otto also digs in his heels and endures my drama attack.
I stare wide-eyed at my brothers and love them so much. How can I admit I’ve been lying right to their faces?
Spinning around like a mentally ill windmill, I scream while fighting tears. Tuesday hugs me and stops my momentum before having us sway.
“Don’t fight the Earlham,” she murmurs while rubbing my head. “Once you let the drama whore speak her mind, you’ll feel better.”
My ma appears at the open door and demands, “What the hell is all this?”
Her judgment of my insanity only dials up the drama.
“It’s a miracle!” Tuesday cries while I run in panicked circles around the couch. I suddenly stop and throw my left flip-flop at the wall. “She’s embracing her roots!”
“Tuesday Mercer get your butt out of my house,” my ma insists and points at the door.
“Sabian,” Tuesday casually corrects. “I have a longer name now, Auntie Journey.”
“That’s great. Now get going or I’ll have my boys fill up their water pistols.”
Tuesday reaches for me. “I am only obeying your ma because she’s scary.”
I try to grab Tuesday before Otto can drag her away, but my ma blocks my way.
“Edith, look at me.”
I stare into my ma’s eyes and see a woman of great character. She would never mess up spermicide and trap an unwilling man. Being so near to someone of her quality makes me squeal louder.
Ma-Journey forces me into a hug. My mother’s embrace zaps all the crazy out of me. I go silent and hug her tight.
“I messed up,” I whimper.
“It’s fine.”
“You don’t know what I did wrong.”
“Whatever it is, you’ll be okay. I will make sure of it.”
Despite her promise, I refuse to let go of my ma. I’m still drowning in my drama, and she’s my life jacket.
Ma-Journey strokes my hair while I rest my face against her shoulder. I suspect she gestures for my brothers to leave because we’re suddenly alone in the quiet house.
“What’s wrong?” she says softly with me still snug in her arms.
“I think I messed up my birth control. I’m late.”
“You think, but you don’t know, right?”
“I thought I was ready for sex, but I wasn’t careful enough.”
“Let’s find out for sure before you get upset.”
“Too late,” I mumble, tearing up. “I already screamed all up in this place.”
“We could hear you at Poppy’s house.”
“I think I traumatized Ike.”
“He survived you on birth control pills. He can handle a little screaming.”
Staring sadly in my ma’s eyes, I whimper, “Duke will think I got pregnant on purpose to trap him.”
“I haven’t gotten to know him well. Is he a moron?”
“No.”
“A man who knows you won’t believe you’re the tricky sort.”
“He isn’t ready for a baby.”
“You aren’t even sure. Why are you so upset?”
My mind swims with fears. Duke doesn’t feel real when we’re apart for too long. I’ve started worrying I’m in love with an idea rather than a real man.
“Will Pa be mad that I kept a secret?”
“Yes, but he’ll understand you were protecting Val and Lola.”
I look at my ma and whisper, “Is our family cursed? Ike lost Oana for a year and then we all tried to bully him into giving her up. Now, I have to hide my relationship like it’s a dirty secret.”
“First, baby, I never bullied your brother. I only showed concern over his seemingly reckless behavior. That’s my job as his ma.”
“I bullied him.”
“Yes, but you got over that. Now, you’re protective of their relationship.”
Nodding, I sigh. “I hate keeping secrets.”
“Is that why you’re so upset?”
“I want people to know,” I say and sob against her. “But I’m afraid people knowing will ruin everything, and I won’t get what I want.”
“Getting so riled up over hypotheticals isn’t like you,” Ma-Journey says and strokes my head. “But you’ve done something unnatural for our family, and that’s keep secrets. It’s time for you to stop hiding.”
Wiping my eyes, I ask, “Could Duke come to dinner once Val and Lola go on their honeymoon? I feel like there’ll be less pressure if we introduce the idea to our families in smaller groups.”
My ma studies me. “As soon as Duke shows up, the rest of the homestead will know.”
“We’ll keep them out. Then, I can have dinner at Duke’s house with his family. Soon, everything will be in the open.”
“Or you could call Duke and have him here by the time your pa is back from riding with Court.”
“I’m too irrational today to face that pressure.”
My ma nods. “We should also get the test done.”
“No. I don’t want to know the answer.”
Ma-Journey frowns at me. “Edith, you’re acting strange.”
“I feel out of sorts. The drama bug has infected me. I can’t think straight. I want to hide, but I also want to run away.”
“Close your eyes,” she says and brushes her fingers across my forehead. Once I do as she says, Ma-Journey asks in a tender voice, “If you could be anywhere right now, where would you go?”
“I’m not sure. I’m frazzled.”
“Think about where you want to go to be safe.”
I instantly imagine Duke. Just as quickly, I’m struck by the fear of everything falling apart.
“I want to be with Duke like we are when we’re alone. But I also want to be with him where everyone can see.”
“So, let’s invite him over.”
“I’m not ready.”
“Okay, we’re talking in circles,” Ma-Journey says, clinging to her sanity while I toss mine aside. “Here’s what I suggest you do. Make a plan. Take the test. Find out if there’s any reason to be worried. Then, pick a date for Duke to come here for dinner. We’ll keep it quiet until he shows up. Your pa and brothers will be upset, but they’ll get over it. Does that sound like a good plan?”
Nodding, I admit, “I’m embarrassed I got pregnant.”
“I know, but it happens. If you are pregnant, you’ll get to go through the experience with Oana. That’ll be great for her. Maybe we should consider this as a lucky surprise. If you’re not pregnant, well, there’s nothing to worry about.”
“Duke might not ever want kids.”
“Well, then, he should have been more careful,” Ma-Journey says in her no-nonsense way. “Now, we’ll sit here for a few more minutes while Tuesday swipes one of the pregnancy tests Poppy bought in bulk after Oana got pregnant. Your cousin can pretend she’s late. That’ll create enough drama to distract from your earlier noise.”
“What reason will I have for my screaming?”
“Don’t say anything. All the lies are riling you up. Just shrug if asked. That’s not a lie because you don’t truly know what’s setting you off.”
Feeling a bit more in control, I rest against her. “Ma, I’m sorry I flipped out.”
“It’s okay,” she says and kisses my forehead. “You’ve been waiting for a man for years, and things haven’t panned out like you expected. You’re a strong woman in your element, but change throws you off.”
While Ma-Journey texts Tuesday, I message Duke to ask if he’ll come to dinner tomorrow and meet my family. He doesn’t respond right away, leaving me sobbing like a baby. I assume the worst. He doesn’t want to meet my family. He’s bored of me. I’m raising our baby alone.
“At least, you’ll be pretty,” I tell my maybe baby while rubbing my belly.
Ma-Journey sets down her phone and explains, “Tuesday is bringing a pregnancy test here. We’ll know soon.”
Still crying, I wave off her sensible nature. Of course, if she pulled a Justice and fake-fainted right now, I’d cry harder since I need my ma to be strong while I’m weak.
My phone vibrates with a text from Duke. I wipe my eyes to read the words.
“Should I bring Erin and the girls?”
“No. Maybe. I don’t know,” I type, feeling overheated. “You decide.”
Duke doesn’t respond before Tuesday enters the house and shuts the door on my brothers trying to sneak inside.
“No boys! You drool!” Tuesday declares while waving at them through the window.
My cousin and I hurry to the bathroom where I realize I don’t have to pee. Tuesday brings me a bottle of water to chug.
“I don’t know how you embrace your drama whore side every single day,” I admit once I’ve peed on the test. “I’m exhausted after only a few hours like this.”
“The key is to keep your Earlham crazy to a consistent five. You went all the way to eleven today, and that’s from a low point of a two. Of course, you’re exhausted.”
I rest my head against her shoulder as we sit on the side of the tub and wait.
“I love Duke,” I say and sigh. “Tell me that’s enough to make everything okay.”
“It’s enough,” Tuesday promises while holding my hand. “Nothing has been easy with him. If he wasn’t your guy, you’d have bailed by now. Trust in the magic.”
As the quiet settles around us, I burst into laughter. “I threw my flip-flop at the wall,” I say while still giggling wildly. “Why did I do that?”
“You’ve tried so hard to be a killjoy with a repressed muff,” Tuesday says and pats my hand. “But you’re an Earlham. Our kind needs to throw a conniption fit from time to time. You were way overdue.”
“I don’t know what I want the result to be. If I am pregnant, Duke might feel trapped. Even if he seems excited, I’ll always wonder if he’s only putting on a show for my benefit. But if I’m not pregnant, I’ll probably feel disappointed. I’ve wanted a baby for years.”
“You’re Edith. No matter the result, you’ll tough it out.” Tuesday peeks at the test result. “Are you ready?”
“No.”
“That’s your Earlham side speaking, but the Sheerer and Mooney in you demand facts. This ain’t no thang for a tough bitch like you.”
I grip her wrist and stare into her eyes. “You’re a good friend. I’m sorry I called you so many names over the years,” I whisper and tear up. “I’m especially sorry for all the stuff I said behind your back.”
Tuesday grins. “No worries. A hag like you has every reason to be jealous of a superstar like me.”
We share a smile before she tips the result toward me so I can see. My heart beats too fast as my stomach drops. Both laughing and crying, I don’t know how to feel.
Tuesday hugs me to her and promises she won’t make me eat dirt until after the baby is born.
“Then, you’ll be fair game,” she murmurs and kisses the side of my head.
Wiping my eyes, I ask, “What do I do now?”
“You’ve already got a plan. Duke is coming to dinner tomorrow. Let him meet the family and get that drama out of the way. Then, you’ll have dinner with Lola, Clover, and Erin. Once everyone is happy with the surprise relationship, Duke will feel calmer. That’s when you drop the news on him.”
“I could wait until I’m a few months along.”
“That’s your Earlham crazy side talking,” Tuesday says and hugs me. “Remember how quickly everyone started talking about Oana’s pregnancy? There’s no way the homestead can keep our mouths shut around Lola and Clover. Duke will find out as soon as the family knows.”
“I know you’re right. I’ve gotten so used to thinking everything needs to be kept out of sight or shouldn’t inconvenience anyone. But keeping secrets made me go crazy today.”
Tuesday snickers. “You’re funny when you scream like that.”
“I hope it doesn’t become a habit. My throat hurts.”
“We’ll get you a cup of tea and settle in for the evening. I just need to run over to my parents’ house and explain how I’m not preggers. Everything will quiet down for the evening so you can rest up for dinner tomorrow.”
After we hide the test, Tuesday and I emerge from the bathroom. My brothers stand in the living room with their women. All four of them stare at me.
“Are you okay?” Betty asks. “I heard you lost your marbles. All of them, too. Not a single one remains.”
Otto bumps his wife as she likely repeats his words.
“I found most of them,” I explain. “But I can’t have anyone bugging me today or else I might start squealing again.”
While my brothers and their women soothe me with a group hug, Tuesday slips out to give Poppy the news. I assume my aunt will fake-faint out of disappointment and then move on with her day.
Instead, hours later, the homestead throws an impromptu party to celebrate Auntie Poppy’s bravery against bad news. I learn Lola and Val are on their way over, along with her family.
Duke texts to ask if we ought to do the family intro today rather than waiting for dinner tomorrow. His suggestion should make me happy. Duke isn’t trying to squirm out of exposing our relationship. That’s great!
Except I’m worn out by my earlier freakout. I keep crying over nothing. Pa-Donovan came home to find me losing my shit over my inability to open a Snapple bottle.
That’s why I ask Duke to wait. Having held my tongue for weeks, I don’t want to ruin the big moment by going full Earlham and throwing another flip-flop.