Chapter Twenty-Seven #10
“I have…w-witnessed firsthand how much you ch-cherish this land. Didn’t you…
work day and night so Anatol could flourish?
Why would you abandon it now…when you’re f-finally seeing the fruits of your labor?
” Maxi emphatically spread her arms wide.
“A-Are you going to…throw away everything you’ve built for the past decade… just for me?”
Her voice rose with the flood of emotions cascading through her soul. How could he decide to turn his back on the castle she had worked so hard to refurbish, the defenses he had built around it, and the city that had just begun to thrive?
“A-Are you in your right mind?” Maxi yelled. “O-Or have you gone completely insane?!”
“That’s right!” He grabbed her as she went to move farther away and forced her to look at him. “Nothing else matters more than having you by my side. I can build walls and amass riches as many times as necessary. Tell me to do it a thousand times, and I will!”
Maxi clenched her jaw to suppress the sobs that threatened to burst from her throat. His blind obsession with her was incomprehensible. What on earth was it that bound this man so steadfastly to her? Her eyes prickled with tears as they roamed over his desperate expression.
She did not want to leave his side, either, not even for a moment. Nevertheless, a part of her was aware that this was not right. They could not turn their backs on the world and live only for themselves. There were countless other things requiring his attention besides her.
“I-I…” Maxi croaked as though trying to dislodge a bone in her throat. “I want to go to Nornui.”
Riftan stared back in disbelief.
“B-Becoming a mage…would solve everything,” she desperately continued. “Y-You won’t have to lose your lands…or leave the Remdragon Knights. You…o-only have to wait four…no, three years. I promise I will return without—”
“Ha…” Riftan’s hollow laugh cut her off. He dropped his dejected gaze to the floor and mumbled, “You want me to go through that hell again?”
He had his hands over his face, and Maxi could see his fingers trembling faintly. Her torn heart felt like it was bleeding.
When he raised his head once more, all signs of vulnerability were gone, replaced by a blank mask.
“That time might not mean anything to you, but I already endured three years to be with you. Only God knows how miserable and lonely they were.” His lips twisted into a wooden smile.
“You don’t know what it’s like for a day to feel like a year, and a year like an eternity.
Nor what it’s like to count the seconds, yearning for that person…
Only someone who has no idea would ask that of me. ”
“Th-That’s not true. I-It was a difficult decision. It’s going to be…hard for me, too.”
“Then…” Riftan paused as though stopping to quash some emotion. “Come with me.”
Tears welled in Maxi’s eyes. Unable to stop them from falling, Maxi covered her face with her hands. Riftan clutched her waist and desperately tried to persuade her.
“If leaving me is not what you truly want, then come with me. Don’t think about anything else!
I’ll make sure you have everything again—a castle, servants, all of it.
We can finally be together. I refuse to be separated from you again.
I can’t endure another three years!” Anguish and desperation stirred in his dark eyes.
Maxi thought that a dagger to the chest would not have been as painful. The desire to give in felt as though it would split her in half. Her heart vehemently nodded in agreement, while her reason adamantly shook its head. It was clear to her which of the two she had to follow.
Maxi’s face crumpled as tears began to trickle down her cheeks. She barely managed to get the words past her quivering lips.
“I-I cannot do that.”
Her throat burned as she tried to suppress the violent sobs that threatened to explode from her chest. She let out a ragged breath.
“How can you expect me t-to live with my head held high…a-after taking everything from you? Marrying me…h-has brought you…n-nothing good…. You had to fight in a campaign you didn’t want…
and face harrowing ordeals…. A-And now you stand to lose everything…
y-your knighthood, estate, fortune, your comrades… . How can I turn a blind eye?!”
“I told you, it doesn’t matter. Not to me! As long as I have you, nothing else matters!”
“I-It matters to me!”
Hot tears streamed down Maxi’s cheeks. She tore at her hair and wailed, “All my life…I thought myself worthless. I c-couldn’t bear the shame.
That’s why…I could never r-reveal my true self to anyone…
. That’s why I couldn’t be honest…. And yet I couldn’t swallow my pride… so I lied…and pretended to be fine.”
Maxi squeezed her eyes shut in an attempt to stem the endless flow of tears.
“I-I don’t want to live like that anymore. I want…to stop hating myself.”
She could just make out Riftan’s face, contorted with misery, through her misty vision. She blindly clutched his arm.
“I-I am not going…just for you. I want to change. I don’t want to be…ashamed of myself anymore. So…let me go.”
There was a deathly pause.
“No,” Riftan said flatly. “I won’t allow it.” He jerked his arm as though he had been branded with a hot iron and backed away.
“L-Let me go,” Maxi cried. “You have to…let me go.”
“I said, no!”
Riftan’s broad shoulders, which had always seemed as immobile as a pair of boulders, trembled violently. He looked at her with tormented eyes before fleeing the room.
Finding herself unable to go after him, Maxi sank to the floor. Her whole body shook as though she had just emerged from a tempestuous storm.
She hugged herself as she broke into violent sobs. Hot tears flowed down her cheeks, even soaking her neck. It felt like a part of her had been brutally severed. Was all of this truly necessary? Must she leave him knowing it would hurt him and cause her nothing but misery?
Doubt and grief engulfed her. Squeezing her eyes shut, she covered her face with her hands and wailed. She resented everything that had led to this, including herself.
—
When Maxi’s tears finally dried up, the fatigue and tension that had been building over the last few days flooded in.
She barely managed to bathe with Ludis’s help before getting changed.
The dam of emotions that had collapsed inside her seemed to have sapped all the strength from her limbs.
Maxi went straight to bed and promptly lost consciousness.
Sunlight was streaming into the bedchamber when she came to. She sluggishly hauled herself up and squinted at the glowing windowpane, then at the empty space next to her.
After running her hand over the cold sheet, she climbed out of bed and wrapped a shawl around her shoulders. She was about to head straight out to seek Riftan but thought better of it. He likely needed time to think, just as she had needed time to organize her thoughts.
Maxi tottered to the basin near the fireplace to wash her face. She began to get ready for the day, and Ludis entered the bedchamber just as she was combing her hair.
“Good morning, my lady.” The maidservant gave Maxi a genial smile and lowered an armful of wood next to the fireplace. “Shall I bring your breakfast right away? You must be hungry after going to bed without a proper supper.”
Maxi felt her heart soften at the maidservant’s gentle expression. Her voice came out in a frog-like croak as she mumbled, “Yes, please.”
“One moment, my lady. I will be back in a jiffy with a delicious meal.”
After feeding the dying fire more kindling and stoking it with the bellows, Ludis started making her way toward the door.
Maxi asked hesitantly, “Do you…know where his lordship is?”
Ludis appeared unsure. “I believe he is in the council room. Would you like me to deliver a message, my lady?”
Maxi put on an awkward smile and shook her head. She was grateful for the maidservant feigning ignorance despite having heard last night’s argument. When Ludis left the room, Maxi sat in front of the fire and became lost in her thoughts.
The cats climbed onto her lap, purring and mewling. The sounds of servants chopping firewood on the grounds drifted in through the window. As Maxi sat listening, she felt the hollowness in her heart easing. It no longer felt so much like a wrecked boat lost at sea.
Blankly staring into the fire, Maxi thought back on the tumultuous events of the past. The day Riftan had whisked her away from her childhood home; her efforts to refurbish Calypse Castle as its new master; the countless trials; meeting Ruth, Ulyseon, and Garrow; her strengthened bond with the Remdragon Knights; and even her struggles learning magic. A small smile tugged at her lips.
A second later, her frustrating incompetence during the war and the loss of her child flashed through her mind. Her chest filled with sorrow and regret. Of the hundred or so things she regretted, shame hounded her the most when she thought of her decision to follow her father.
Nevertheless, it all amounted to the life she had built for herself.
Maxi closed her eyes. Now she would have to turn her back on everything she knew and enter the unknown. Despite the bone-deep fear, her resolve to leave somehow grew stronger.
A sudden realization struck her: The flood of words she had unleashed on Riftan last night had not solely been to persuade him.
It was true that she wanted to be with him forever, but a part of her also yearned to step out from his protective shadow.
Right now, she was slowly withering away in a world that only had room for the two of them.
Riftan had no qualms about destroying himself over anything concerning Maxi, while she was possessed by the perpetual temptation to cling to him and hide from the outside world.
Left to continue, he would suffocate her, and she would drag his future through the mud.
They would destroy each other in the name of love.