Chapter 42
Arthur
The smell of fresh pastries circulates from the kitchen at the bottom of the corridor all the way to my room; I think my flatmates had some sort of ‘Flat G02 does the great British bake-off’. In fairness, Sam did pop his head round my door a few hours ago and asked if I wanted to team up with him to attempt to make, (key word: attempt), iced cinnamon buns, but I just wasn’t in the best headspace, even for gooey, serotonin-inducing treats. Let’s face it, I haven’t been in the best headspace for weeks and I think it has something to do with a 5ft 5, dark haired, half-witch with golden flecks in her eyes and a fire in her belly. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it; she sent me the most heart-warming letter telling me how sorry she was and that everything she had done was because she had feelings for me. My heart flutters in rapid pulses as I skim my finger over the inky sentence on the letter, Ember has feelings, for me. Yet almost as quickly as they arrive, those flutters pass in a deafening instant as I remember that if that were true, why did she ghost me?
The first week was rough after Ember left. I felt confused and pathetic. I was calling her multiple times a day, phone bill be damned, but the closest I ever came to hearing her voice was her voicemail. I became that well acquainted with it that I could recite the exact message word for word, ‘You’ve reached Ember, sorry I’m not here right now but please leave a message and I promise I’ll get back to you…unless you’re a cold caller, in which case, I hope both sides of your pillow are warm and that you’re eternally doomed to never find the cli-BEEP.’ I let out a faint laugh at that last part, that about summed Ember up, voice laced with sunshine but a spirit not to be reckoned with.
Needless to say, I gave up the ghost in recent weeks when I realised that the phone wasn’t even ringing this time round. She’d either turned her phone off and shut the world out completely or was intentionally just ignoring me and to be quite honest, I didn’t know which was worse. Either way, I’ve been worried sick. I don’t know if she realises that she’s driving me clinically insane, but she is. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I just want to know that she’s safe. Even if she messaged me the two simple words, ‘I’m okay,’ that would surely be better than the pain and emptiness I’m feeling right now. This is the thing I hate most about having anxiety, it’s not just the presence of ruminating and overthinking, it’s the fact that in the process, it strips you piece by piece of all rational thought until you’re left with just a vicious cycle of negativity and loneliness. You assume that everyone is out to get you, you assume that you’re the reason for even the slightest change in someone’s tone or behaviour. I know it makes me sound selfish, but in my brain, the world does revolve around me because other people’s happiness is indicative of my own actions. It’s almost as if I have a thin piece of wire attached to the top of my head, running parallel with everyone I ever come across. One small deviation in my wire can cataclysmically affect whoever’s on the receiving end. The crux of it is, no matter what I do, I always feel responsible and frankly, I’m absolutely sick and tired of it. I thought I’d changed, I thought I’d got better. Hell, I had got better. But maybe I’d just been distracted enough, maybe the turn of recent events had just helped me to mask well.
For fuck sake. I was now overthinking about overthinking.
I feel the anger winding up inside me like a Jack-in-the-box. I’m about 2 seconds away from cursing the world and shoving the pile of finished coursework off my desk and onto the floor in one dramatic sweep when I suddenly hear a light tap at the front door. You’re probably wondering how I can even hear a faint tap, but being the first room on the corridor, I get to enjoy the luxury of hearing literally everythingthat goes on in the lobby of the building. Great for eavesdropping on people’s conversations, not so great when hearing…well, other things.
Ugh.
I role my eyes into the back of my head as I force myself up from my chair. I bet it’s bloody George again. Even though one of his stoner friends lives in the same block as us, meaning he can get as far as the lobby, he always ends up forgetting his own key fob and rocks up at random points throughout the day and night absolutely high as a kite. He didn’t even compute who I was the last time he continuously knocked on the door at 3am, I remember mentally throttling him as I stood in the doorway in my pj’s whilst he slurred “AAArnold?” at me with slits for eyes. I had to be up for my 9am lecture that day, I needed all the sleep I could get without being disturbed by that tool. I’m shaking my head at the memory as I approach the front door, ready to, (mentally), give George a piece of my mind. As I swing open the door, all the air exit my lungs and my heart swells as I see her standing there.
Ember.
She looks sheepish, her ivory skin turning a deep shade of Red as her eyes meet mine. She looks hesitant to speak, her mouth closing just as quickly as she tries to open it. Although a large part of me is still resentful that she left me high and dry, that resentment is far outweighed right now by the huge rush of relief and warmth I feel at seeing that she’s safe, but more importantly, here.
◆◆◆
The tip of my mouth curves slightly upwards into a playful smirk as I gesture to the corridor and say, “are you coming in then or are you just going to stand out there all day?” I see the tiniest flicker of a smile cross her face, a fleeting flicker, but I’ll take it. She follows me inside to my room, shutting the door behind her. She flashes a quick glance towards the bed and then back at me, as if asking for my permission to sit down, I nod and sit back down in my chair.
I exhale slowly before breaking the ice.
“Emb- ”
“Arth- ”, she laughs awkwardly, “sorry.”
“You first,” I grin.
It’s in that moment I begin to notice the hot tears starting to prickle in her eyes. As if my body starts acting on autopilot, I immediately run over to the bed and try to console her. She shakes her head at me and holds up her palm, “just let me say something first.” I nod and move back to my chair to let her continue.
“Arthur I-,” she chokes up, “I’m just so sorry. For everything. I shouldn’t have ever assumed that I had any right to interfere with your life. I should have allowed you the freedom to make your own choices. I just didn’t want your anxiety to restrict you from all the amazing things you have to offer, but I realise now that that was selfish and never my choice to make. Your anxiety isn’t in any way self-defining or something to be hidden. It’s a tiny fragment encompassing a perfect whole. I never should have left you or pushed you away. I just needed space to think, not that it’s an excuse,” she stutters, “I- I guess what I’m trying to say is,is that you’re perfect in every way humanely possible.” Her words start to clumsily merge together in one adorable mess as she avoids my gaze, “and I never realised how desperatelyin love with you I was until I dived through that window and- ”
I freeze. “Wait what?”
Twiddling her thumbs, she replies, “The window? I know I know; it was so stupid; I’m absolutely mortified to be honest. I think oodie girl and gym junkie are likely going to report me to secur-”
My smile reaches my eyes as I gaze at her strawberry cheeks and interrupt her rambling, “not the part about the window Ember.”
She really hounds in on avoiding my gaze now, “Oh…the part where I said I was in love with you?,” she whispers the word love, confessing it to the floor, rather than me.
Love?I knew she had feelings, but I wouldn’t have ever guessed she’d drop the L word.
Before she has a chance to stall or bumble about any further like the beautiful whirlwind she is, I slowly approach her, pausing only a hairsbreadth away from her face. I can feel the nerves and anticipation bubbling through me like sparkling wine as I brush a stray curl from her face and twirl it around her ear. She takes a deep, flustered breath as the heat of my fingers lightly traces her forehead all the way down to her neck. I can’t wait any longer, I need her kiss like I need air. The need within me takes a hold now, my desire blazing like alcohol to a fire, the entire world goes silent and in that moment, I immediately cup her jaw and bring her lips to mine in a passionate embrace. She tastes like cherries and all things sweet as her lips meet mine in a match of urgency. As she softly tugs the hair at the back of my head, I decide to slow the pace down into something tender, deeper, and vulnerable, showing her just how happy she makes me, how much I adore her. I give her a soft peck on the cheek as I pull away whilst reaching out to hold both of her hands. Ember’s eyes are still shut, her lips pursed as if the ghost of my kiss still lingers.
She pauses briefly before saying a breathy “wow.”
“I know,” I smile.
As much as I’m living on cloud 9 right now, my mind acknowledges that I need to properly address her apology from earlier. I inhale, “Ember...I’m not going to pretend that I haven’t been an absolute mess since you’ve been gone. You hurt me a lot. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. You left Bath, sent me that letter and then went completely MIA again. I don’t want to lie to you and say that a part of me isn’t still annoyed over that,” her cheeks glow crimson in embarrassment. “However, that being said, of course I accept your apology. If anything, you leaving actually gave me the opportunity to do a bit of self-reflection. I was never cured; I was stupid for thinking so. You were right, I do get in my own way, and I can’t keep living like this. That’s why I’ve decided to reach out to a private therapist and finally arrange a session.” I bite the inside of my cheek, “I’m pretty nervous, but I spoke to mum and dad and they were really good about it, they’ve offered to pay for it, for as long as I need.”
I can’t describe how bright Ember’s beam is as she hears this, “I’m so proud of you,” she replies, diving on me with open arms. She pulls away briefly, looking at me with wide, honest eyes before saying, “and again, I’m so sorry for what I put you through, you have every right to hold onto that anger for as long as you need, I completely understand. I just want to know one thing; do you think we’ll ever be able to move past it?”
“Well…,” I smirk, slowly intertwining her fingers with mine, “I don’t think I’ll need to hang onto it for much longer considering the only thing I want to make more room for when it comes to you is love.”
She takes control this time, grabbing me by the cheeks and planting a desperate kiss on my lips.
I pull away abruptly, “there is one thing that we still need to talk about though.”
Her face stiffens, and I can see her eyes widen as she croaks, “oh god, what?”
Letting out a confused chuckle, I reply, “what’s this about you diving through a window?”
She covers her eyes with both hands as she says, “don’t even ask. I obviously don’t have a key fob and there was no one around to let me into your block, I saw a window that was wide open on the ground floor and I don’t know what came over me, it’s like the wires in my body weren’t even connected to my brain, I just dived through!” She mimics diving and I absolutely lose my composure at this point and burst out laughing.
“Ember, why didn’t you just use your phone and call me?,” I laugh.
She looks at me through her eyelashes as she says, “I wanted to make a grand gesture, it’s the Shakespeare within me.”
“Well, you sure made a grand gesture alright,” I tease.
She playfully slaps me across the arm, “don’t take the mick!”
I fake whimper and rub my arm.
“Honestly, you should have seen the look on the student’s faces who were stood in the kitchen when I appeared, they looked like they could have quite easily murdered me and made it look like an accident.”
“Ahh yes, the infamous ‘oodie girl’ and ‘gym junkie’”, I breathe a deep sigh as I wipe the lone tear that’s streamed down my face from laughing so much, “but seriously though,” I add quizzically, “without the risk of sounding like a complete idiot, couldn’t you have just…I don’t know, magicked yourself into the building?”
She holds my gaze and shrugs, “Honestly? I’m not sure. I wouldn’t even want to attempt to dabble with any of that, but even if I could, I wouldn’t. I’ve done enough damage with magic when it comes to you, I wanted to surprise you by doing it the right way, no more lies.”
Although I still find it absolutely hilarious that she went to such great lengths to try and surprise me with her grand gesture, my heart can’t help but glow inside my chest. This woman. This absolutely gorgeous, sprightly, fiery, magical, tornado of a woman. I know I have so much to work on in terms of myself, but if there’s one thing that’s spurring me on to be the absolute best man I can possibly be, it’s her. For the first time in my life, I’m starting to realise that I can finally put my own peace first, no more walking on eggshells or talking myself out of every single opportunity that comes my way because of fear. If I’ve learned one thing from all of this, it’s to stop doubting whether I deserve good things and start realising that I deserve it all. As I gaze deeper into the golden flecks of her eyes, I’m hit with a rare moment of crystal-clear clarity, I choose to be happy. I choose me, I choose her, I choose us.