Chapter 40
Chapter
Forty
Hope sat heavily at the patio table with a beer in her hand after a long day of filming. Rachel was sitting next to her but said nothing. Not that Hope expected her to at this point. If she had to, she’d sit there in silence for as long as it took to get Rachel to end this silent treatment.
The kids ran around on the grass directly in front of the suite that Rachel had, playing together.
Well, Eva, Annalise, and Jenna did. Mandy was locked away on the couch on her Nintendo Switch and ignoring the world.
She was just on the cusp between being too old to want to be with family and still needing to be close.
Hope really needed to work on spending more time with them when she could, especially Mandy. She’d need another outlet other than her mother when she went from preteen to teen soon. Hope ran her fingers through her hair and propped her foot up on the edge of the seat.
“I’m ready for this season to be wrapped,” she said, not able to withstand the silence any longer. If she was Angelica, she probably could have made it more than five minutes. Hope, on the other hand, hated silence and always had. She needed to fill it.
Rachel shot her a glance, one filled with mirth, but she did answer. “Why?”
“Because it’s exhausting.” Hope sighed heavily, sinking into her seat more. “I want to spend more time with family and Eva. I feel like she’s always left out when both Rex and I are on location at the same time.”
Rachel put her drink down on the glass table with a chink. “If you want to spend more time with family, then you should give up your side piece.”
Hope’s heart clenched hard. She stiffened, the lightness she’d tried to enter the conversation with leaving her instantly. The kids were still playing, as though the accusation hadn’t been lobbed in Hope’s direction.
“I know you don’t understand what we’re doing or how we’re doing it, but I don’t need you to make me out to be the Wicked Witch of the West either.
” Hope put her beer down, dropping her feet to the cement and letting the cold soak into her skin and muscles.
“If you’re going to come at me every time we talk, then I can just not talk to you. ”
It was an empty threat. They both knew it.
“Do you understand what you’re doing to them?” Rachel shifted her gaze deliberately from Hope to Eva. “This is going to screw her up for years, if not her entire life.”
“She’d have to know about it to be screwed up from it, Rach. And she doesn’t know.”
“You think she can’t feel the shift in the air between you and Rex? That she doesn’t know that something happened and it’s affecting everything? And the way you just let Ange parade her around like they’re best friends? It’s a fucking insult to Rex.” Rachel narrowed her gaze at Hope.
“It’s not!” Hope stood up sharply. “Look, you don’t have to like the decisions that I make, but you don’t have to be so cruel about it either.”
“Even if you were single, Hope, which you’re not, I wouldn’t in a second pick Angelica Shields as someone for you. She’s not right for you in any capacity.” Rachel stood up as well, facing Hope down.
Anger lashed through Hope, and she clenched her hands into fists. It’d been a long time since she’d felt this uncontrollable force of rage.
“You don’t know her!” Hope’s voice was far louder than she’d expected it to be.
The children’s voices stopped, the laughter and play ending instantly. It barely registered in Hope’s brain though, and she barreled forward.
“She’s not this Ice Fairy that the world makes her out to be.
She’s not cold or hard or uncaring. In fact, I’d be willing to bet she has far more love in her than anyone here.
But people expect her to be mean and cold and unfeeling, and so she lets them think that about her to her detriment.
” Hope clenched her fists hard, her nails biting into her palms. “Don’t you dare judge someone you don’t know. ”
“Of course she’s going to be the enemy, Hope.
She’s the one who’s breaking apart this family!
She’s the one who’s putting a wedge between you and Rex and Eva, the one who’s stealing your time and your love away from the people you’ve chosen to give it to.
And for what? So you can explore your sexuality on the side?
So you can figure out if you’re gay or straight?
” Rachel pulled her shoulder’s back, her eyes wide.
“I’m not doing that.” Hope shook her head fervently.
“I know who I am, and that’s not going to change.
It might have taken me thirty-six years to figure it out, but it doesn’t matter, because I’m not straight like I thought I was.
I like women, and I’m not going to hold back on that ever. Why would I?”
“Because you’re married! Because you’re still married. Because Rex is right here and now and yet you keep turning away from him. And for what? Nothing. That’s what.”
“It’s not nothing!” Hope’s voice broke. Rachel was never going to understand this, was she?
She and Rex were too close, and Hope had done such a shit job telling her about what was happening.
And she was playing the role of big sister to the bitter end.
“If it was nothing, then I wouldn’t be doing it! ”
“You two need to quiet down. There’s crew all around us.” Rex’s voice was a cold bucket of water on Hope’s head.
She blinked back her tears as she continued to stare at Rachel. The tension was so thick she could cut it with a knife if she had one. Hope slowed her breathing, looked around the patio, and locked her eyes on Eva. They had to stop this argument. They couldn’t do this in front of the kids.
“Excuse me,” Hope muttered as she walked away from the patio.
She didn’t bother to snag her shoes as she walked away.
The grass was cold and sharp against her bare feet as she walked across it.
Eva started to follow her, but Rex called her back, and Hope was finally on her own.
She’d spent so much time on her own during the filming of this episode.
And she was someone who was never alone, not like Angelica, who consistently spent time on her own.
Hope walked along the sidewalk the length of the hotel and back again. She calmed her racing heart, the anger that she really needed to get under control. But then she was just left with a deep well of hurt.
Painful, hurt.
She hadn’t expected this. She hadn’t even thought about it, honestly. She’d been so wrapped up in everything that was changing and happening, that sharing it with anyone beyond her, Angelica, and Rex hadn’t actually occurred to her. But she’d never expected this from Rachel.
Rachel was her greatest ally in life until now.
Hope wandered back toward the suite she was sharing with Rex, unable to bring herself to talk, text, or even be in Rachel’s presence. It would hurt too much. She let herself into her room and stopped short when she found Rex sitting at the dining room table in silence.
“Eva?” Hope asked.
“Asleep, though she didn’t go down easily,” he answered, his voice weary. “We need to talk.”
“Yeah,” she agreed. “Yeah, we do.”
Hope sighed and slid into the chair kitty-corner him, but she didn’t reach out and touch his arm, she didn’t brush her toes against his leg, and she didn’t even smile at him. Nothing about this moment was happy or easy.
“I don’t agree with her methods, but I can’t disagree with what she said,” Rex said, his tenor tones rumbling through the room.
That same devastation she’d experienced before came raining down on top of her again. Hope bit back her retort this time, though. Because this was Rex. And they hadn’t gone into this arrangement without eyes wide open. At least, she’d thought they had.
“I don’t think this is working, Hope.” Rex looked up at her, sadness reflected in the browns of his eyes. “And if you really sit down and think about it, you’ll see that.”
She shook her head before she could stop herself, but she wasn’t entirely sure that she disagreed with him either. She was about to respond, when Rex spoke.
“I went on a few dates, you know. When you were in LA with Ange, and a few times this week.”
“Did you?” Hope swallowed hard. Why didn’t that sit well with her? It did, and it didn’t all at the same time. She just wished she’d known about it. They were supposed to talk about these things, weren’t they?
“I did.” Rex flared his fingers, palms up in front of to him. “They weren’t great.”
“Oh.” Hope frowned. She didn’t want that for him. If he was going to go on a date, then she wanted him to enjoy himself. She wanted him to have fun and explore just like she was doing. That’s what they’d agreed to. But then again, happiness couldn’t be manufactured.
“I don’t want to go on dates,” he whispered.
Hope’s chest tightened.
“I don’t want you to go on dates,” he said more firmly this time. “I don’t think we made the right decision, and I don’t hold that against you, but I’m not sure that this is what I want anymore.”
Tears sprung into her eyes, stinging them.
They barely had time to themselves lately, but it wasn’t just because of Angelica.
They were at the tail end of filming, and they knew that was always the worst time in their relationship, when they never saw each other.
They’d both been so busy that they could barely keep up or know which way was up and which way was down.
“What do you want?” she whispered, not sure that she wanted to hear the answer to that question.
“You,” he said simply. “It’s always been you.”
Hope sniffled. She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms as she shook her head. She was in a no-win situation. Someone was going to end up hurt. Someone was going to end up devastated.
“Eva’s struggling, Hope. She really is. She barely sleeps anymore, as you know, but when you’re not here, she doesn’t want to go to bed. And tonight—” He stilled and then sighed heavily. “Tonight was hard. She saw the cracks that have been there full force and she didn’t know what to do with them.”
“That’s Rachel’s fault,” Hope said.
“Maybe.” Rex shrugged. “Maybe not. She’s certainly the one who brought it up. And again, I don’t agree with her methods, but I can’t disagree with her point. This isn’t working.”
“So what do we do?” Hope whispered.
“I don’t know.” Rex’s face fell, though.
She could see that a mile away. She knew exactly what he was asking, but she wasn’t ready to make that leap.
Not yet anyway. She needed a minute to absorb everything.
Well, more than a minute. She was going to have to take at least tonight.
Because she hadn’t lied to Rachel when she said she wasn’t willing to be anyone other than herself.
She just had to figure out what that meant when she was fully in love with two people.
Two people who were seriously trying her nerves.
Hope bit her lip and rocked back into the chair, staring at the tabletop.
She was lost in her thoughts. She had no idea if Rachel would ever speak to her again, or if they’d ever manage to repair the friendship they’d cultivated.
She didn’t know if Angelica even loved her, and they hadn’t even had a chance to talk that through.
“I need you to choose, Hope.” Rex scrunched up his face.
She knew those words were so hard from him to say.
That he’d tried so damn hard to make this work.
“Because I can’t keep going on like this.
I feel so neglected, and it’s not because you mean to neglect me, it’s because we’re not taking the time to work on our relationship together.
And if Ange is still in the picture…” he trailed off, reaching over and clasping her hand with his, “…I don’t think that’ll change. ”
“Rex…” Hope’s heart thudded. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything.” He squeezed her hand and then pulled away. And she was so afraid that this would be the last of it, that he’d never touch her again. They’d never kiss. They’d never share their deepest secrets and fears and joys together again. “Just think about it.”
Rex got up and went into the bedroom, shutting the door behind him.
Hope stayed at the dining room table, her heart shattering into a million pieces. The choice should be obvious, should it?
But she couldn’t deny what she felt for Angelica.
Not now.
Not ever.
But Rex wasn’t being cruel in telling her she needed to make a choice. He was simply saying what he felt. But he hadn’t asked Hope what she felt. He hadn’t asked her how everything was going or if this was where she wanted their relationship to be. He’d simply given her an ultimatum.
Him or nothing.
Hope pinched the bridge of her nose. She needed yet another walk.
God damn this property, she was going to have every inch of it memorized by the time they left, and no way in hell was she ever going to want to come back here.
But she couldn’t stay in this room tonight.
She couldn’t sit here and watch Rex sleep, knowing that he was forcing her to confront things that she wasn’t ready to face.
But Angelica was out of the question too.
Because something had been off there for days now, and Hope couldn’t put her finger on it.
Not that she’d tried very hard either. Maybe she should.
Maybe she just needed to sit everyone down in a room so they could actually hash this out instead of her being stuck as the go-between for everyone and every relationship.
She hated it.
She hated this.
Hope pushed up from the table and slipped out the door again. Fresh air would do her good. Fresh air, a walk, and clearing her head. That was exactly what she needed right now. Nothing else.