Chapter Thirty
Evan
“O beware, my lord, of jealousy; it is the green-ey’d monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”
Othello
When I looked around, everyone suddenly found somewhere else to go. The whole thing was mortifying, and I could only pray nobody had live-streamed it, but that wasn’t my most pressing concern. What had I done?
Had I once again acted without all the facts, like I had with Vicky, lashing out from fear and self-hatred?
I grabbed my coat and ran outside, scanning the street.
Elizabeth probably never wanted to see me again, but I couldn’t let her walk home alone on such a cold night, and I wanted to try to undo some of the damage I’d inflicted.
The temperatures had dropped and I could smell snow on the air.
It would be just my luck for the weather to fuck me, too.
When l didn’t see Elizabeth at the corner, I turned back the other way. Bas lived much closer, and if she wanted to get everyone on her side, she’d probably go there armed with a half-bottle of wine and tales of my misdeeds.
My blood pulsed in my ears as I trudged up the street, hoping I’d catch her before she got to his door.
Chelsea’s car sat in the driveway, and the reminder Bas was on a date with a fraud who was using him for her own fuck list reignited my anger.
How many times had Elizabeth told me Chelsea was going to hurt him?
With the back of my fist, I pounded on the door.
Bas opened it with a look of annoyance. I pushed inside taking in the movie credits playing, Chelsea on the sofa glowering, the dog pawing at my thigh, but Elizabeth wasn’t there.
I strode in, pointing at the author of my misery, saying, “Does he know?”
Bas followed. “Do I know what?”
Chelsea cocked a eyebrow. “Yeah. What?”
“About your checklist?” I demanded. She and I had never gotten along, and now I understood why. I’d always suspected she was a scam artist.
“My list?” Her face lit with understanding. “What about it?”
“What are you talking about?” Bas looked confused, but then his mouth drew into an oh. “Wait. Their checklist? That’s what this is about?”
Fuck. I bristled at the betrayal. “So you did know? The bullshit conversation?” My voice cracked, and I channeled the sorrow back into anger. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Chelsea stood. “What is there to tell? It has nothing to do with you.”
The hell? “It has everything to do with me. It’s the whole reason Elizabeth’s going out with me.
She only talked to me because of that dare.
” I kicked the coffee table, and that hurt, making me feel even stupider.
I clenched my fists, and Chelsea’s demeanor went from her usual brash dominatrix to small and scared so quickly, I relaxed my hands, wishing I hadn’t come here.
Bas grabbed my wrist. “Come on. You can sleep in Farrid’s bed. He won’t be home tonight.”
I started to protest, but I was bone tired. “Okay.”
In the bedroom, he crossed his arms and asked, “What happened, Evan? Why are you so upset?”
“Why aren’t you?” I grabbed a pillow and hugged it to me. “Everything’s changed.”
“Don’t be so melodramatic. Nothing’s changed at all, man.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“So what started this?”
“I saw their list. This whole long laundry list of guys she’s been with.
” I closed my eyes, remembering how Kyan had suggested he’d tried to use that list to his advantage.
A small voice in the back of my head whispered that he’d failed because Elizabeth didn’t like him that way, and if that was true, then maybe she wasn’t randomly collecting bodies. Maybe I’d overreacted.
But the scared kid deep inside me couldn’t believe she’d wanted me with no ulterior motives.
Bas rolled his lips into his mouth, in an expression of impatience I’d seen a hundred times. “You know that list is just for fun. You’re blowing it out of proportion.”
“Are you so stupid?”
“It’s just a game, Evan.”
“Can I give you some advice?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t fall for girls who just want to use you.”
He stepped in a little farther. “Can I give you some advice?”
“Shoot.”
“Don’t compound your misery. If you choose to be a martyr over a simple misunderstanding, you’re going to destroy a perfectly good relationship. It was just a game.”
“I’m so tired of realizing I’m alone in a relationship.”
“You could try talking to her.”
“Not a chance.” If I never had to face Elizabeth and my own cowardice again, it would be too soon. I flopped over, turning away from him. “Could you hit the lights on your way out?”
I lay there, considering Bas’s advice and wondering why he was so blasé about being a means to an end. Maybe that was all he wanted. I wished it was that easy.
What felt like moments later, I woke up, lying on top of the covers, still in my clothes from the night before. Sunlight streamed in, and my head pounded. A sense of grief settled on me, but I couldn’t identify the source. Then the events of the night before came into stark focus. What had I done?
I wanted to bury myself under blankets and never show myself again.
The look on Elizabeth’s face before she gave up on me played on repeat, but I still couldn’t shake the fear she’d used me. The belief I couldn’t possibly be good enough—without a catch—had its hooks in deep. Anger felt better than shame, so I shrouded myself in it.
How could I face her again? She must think I was the biggest jerk. Maybe I was.
I rolled out of bed, hoping to sneak out and walk home, or maybe throw myself in front of a bus, but Bas was already puttering around the kitchen, coffee brewing. I crawled onto a stool and dropped my head in my hands, trying to come back to life.
“Morning early bird,” he said, too cheerfully. “How are you feeling?”
“Don’t wanna talk about it.” If I were a good friend, I’d apologize for fucking up his date night or ask him how things were going with Chelsea. But even though I knew I’d been responsible for my actions, I couldn’t help sulk and feel like the victim of a prank.
While the coffee percolated, he pulled up a stool. “I know you were upset last night, but you’re with friends.”
“Friend,” I clarified, my response muffled in my cocoon. I lifted my head to speak clearer. “You know Chelsea is using you, too, right?”
He blew out an exasperated breath. “I’m not sure what that word even means, but I like the way she’s using me.”
“You’re hopeless.” I envied him in his blissful fireproof suit, but I worried it wouldn’t be strong enough to protect him from a detonation.
He dropped from his stool and pulled down a pair of mugs, pouring coffee and milk into each, then sliding one to me on the counter along with a sugar bowl.
The other, he carried back to the bedroom where I assumed Chelsea was asleep.
Just thinking about her here brought back the shame and self-loathing I’d been trying to bury.
Chelsea emerged, moaning as she sipped the brew. She sniffed dramatically, but nothing was cooking. “What’s the deal with breakfast?”
Bas glanced at me. “Houston, we have a problem.”
Chelsea shoved my shoulder. “Hey, Romeo. What do you have planned today?”
I glowered at her. “This was your fault.”
She got that imperious look I’d seen way too often. “Excuse me if I managed to help you meet a girl you are clearly wild about. If you want to blow that, I won’t sit here and let you keep me from breakfast.”
My stomach churned at the thought of food, but I had a stubborn streak. I could sit here all day if it annoyed her.
She picked up her cell phone and dialed. After a beat, she said, “You’ve got to work things out with Evan. He’s sitting in Basil’s kitchen. He mentioned you wanted to go hiking.”
Fuck. I shook my head at her. I didn’t want to talk to Elizabeth right now. I needed to work out what to say.
Chelsea ignored me and repeated it. “Go hiking. Today. Will you talk to him?”
How could I spend a day with Elizabeth when she must be furious with me? I dropped from the stool, escaping into the den before she could force the phone my way.
“I don’t want to talk to her!” Not yet. Not before I could get my shit together.
She continued speaking to Elizabeth. “Well, you say something, and I’ll repeat it.” Then she said to me, “She says she wants to talk to you.” When I held up both hands in refusal, she added, “He’s thinking it over.”
I had to leave. I grabbed my jacket from the peg by the door. They couldn’t manipulate me again. “I’m not going anywhere with her.”
Chelsea held up a finger. “How about Crabtree Falls?”
I froze as it dawned on me there was no way Elizabeth was saying any of this. Was Chelsea making up a two-way conversation? “She hates hiking.”
She repeated into the phone, “He says you hate hiking.” Then she pointed at me. “Clock’s ticking.”
Bas, the traitor, chimed in. “Better get a move on. It’s an hour away.”
“What makes you think I’m going?” Why were they teaming up against me?
“Meet me at my place,” she said before hanging up and launching at me. “Are you stupid?”
“What the hell?” If she was trying to force me to admit my many, many mistakes, she was only making me dig my heels in.
Her eyes narrowed.
“Don’t you get it? That list isn’t about you.
It’s about me and my fucked-up stunted emotions.
My therapist suggested it.” Before I could respond, she went on, “Everything on our list was intended to challenge us to be our true selves and find adventure here and now. She never would have spoken to you if I hadn’t dared her. ”
Aha. I pointed a finger at her. “See? It was all about meeting guys.”
She breathed in, rolled her eyes heavenward, then stepped into my space.
“No, you ding-dong. It’s about personal growth.
You might have noticed that Elizabeth is a smart, confident, beautiful woman, but she’s more at home three stories belowground with stacks of books that smell like the dead men who wrote them than she is at a wine tasting.
She hates meeting guys at bars, and when I make her come out, the only reason she doesn’t go home with a different guy every night is because she’s heard every pickup line ever invented from the inebriated leches who come on to her.
For some reason, she’s looking for something more long-lasting than a casual hookup.
Before you, the closest thing she’d had to a date in months was with the retired eighty-year-old professor she has a standing lunch with.
So yeah, I push her to break the ice because if it were left to her, I’d be her only friend.
You should thank your lucky stars she deigned to choose you to approach that night. ”
Damn. My jaw dropped, and I had no response to any of that. It was like she’d slapped some sense into me. She was right that I’d been lucky to meet Elizabeth, so why was I sabotaging this? “I’ll take a shower.”