37. Noah - October
THIRTY-SEVEN
Noah - October
WINGS - BIRDY
My voice was steady, though my heart thudded in my chest. I turned around and reached out. My fingers lightly grazed his arm as I stood there, waiting. The air was full of uncertainty as my pulse quickened, but I held my breath, needing him to say something—anything.
Dorian blinked, his brows knitting together in confusion as he zipped up his pants.
“Isn’t it?” I repeated.
His hand came up to my wrist, but the disbelief in his expression felt like a wall. I met his gaze, refusing to back down.
“Come again?” he asked, but I knew he heard me.
“I mean… I could if you wanted.” I didn’t let my hand fall from him. Instead, I let my fingers glide down to his hand, locking our hands together for a moment.
“Noah,” he scolded. His thumb grazed mine, a tiny gesture despite the serious look on his face. But then he pulled his hand back, running it through his hair.
“ Isn’t it ?” I pressed again, holding his gaze. I could see the muscle in his jaw tighten.
“It can’t be,” he said, more of a reflex than a reasoned response. His gaze moved away from mine.
“Why not?”
“ Because ,” he muttered, his voice clipped, as if the word alone would be enough of an answer.
“Because why, Dorian?” I asked, frustration now bubbling to the surface.
He exhaled heavily and stared at the floor like it held the solution. “Because this isn’t what we agreed to.”
But we both knew those rules didn’t mean anything anymore. I crossed my arms, needing somewhere to keep my hands other than on him.
“What do you think this is, then?” My words were sharp as I searched his face. “You think this is still some casual fling? You think this is just two friends with benefits, hooking up in the bathroom? When you tell me you can’t stop thinking about me, you can’t keep your eyes off me, and tell me that I’m yours ? This seems like a lot more than a fucking hookup, Dor.”
His gaze snapped back to mine, frustration flaring in his eyes. “Don’t Dor me right now,” he warned.
“Then tell me what this feels like to you,” I demanded, stepping closer.
His shoulders tensed. “It feels complicated,” he growled.
My pulse thundered in my ears as I shook my head, a bitter laugh escaping my lips. “Complicated?” I repeated, incredulously. “It’s complicated because you know this is more.”
I sighed, meeting his gaze with unflinching determination. He stepped toward me, his hands fisted at his sides.
“It is more,” he finally admitted, harsh and clipped, but his eyes flashed with something raw, something he didn’t want to acknowledge.
“Then what’s the problem?” I shot back, louder now. “It’s complicated now, but it’s always been complicated. We just weren’t willing to admit it.”
I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks, the weight of everything I’d been holding back for so long crumbling on top of me.
“Tell me if I’m alone in this, Dorian, and I’ll stop. Tell me this is one-sided, and I’ll walk away right here, right now.” My voice trembled, but I pushed forward, refusing to let him retreat.
“I can’t, Noah,” he said finally, his voice cracking. “And I can’t tell you you’re alone in thinking that this isn’t more.” He turned away from me, his shoulders slumped. “But I can’t let it be more,” he whispered, his back to me. The rawness of his words hit me hard, the fear in them cutting deep.
“Why?”
He turned back to face me, his eyes filled with a pain so deep it stole the air from my lungs.
“God, I want to, Noah. It’d be the easiest thing in the world. When you enter a room, I feel it before I even see you. My body knows you’re there before my mind can catch up. It’s like my soul recognizes yours, like we’ve been tethered in a way I can’t even begin to understand. It’s immediate. It’s desperate . Every inch of space between us feels like universes, and I’d tear through every last one just to find you. Even if all I could do was watch from a distance, even if it meant I couldn’t have you—could never touch you—I’d still find you.
“But that’s the thing—I did touch you. I let myself kiss you, let myself taste you, let my hands feel the warmth of your skin and the way you fit against me, like we were always meant to be there. I let myself get to know you in ways I never should have. I convinced myself I could keep it casual, that I could pretend this was just physical, that it didn’t mean anything more. But that was the dumbest fucking lie I’ve ever told myself, because you are anything but casual to me.”
“How can you feel like that and still push me away?”
“Because every person I’ve cared about has had something terrible happen.” He turned away from me, pacing. “My mom? Taken from me in a drunk driving hit-and-run—just gone in an instant. Hallie, the mother of my child? Died giving birth to Gracie. And then my sister returns to town for the first time in years, only to be kidnapped by a stalker who, by the way, killed my mom.” He faced me again. “I can’t allow this to be more because I can’t stand the thought of losing you .”
His words stung, leaving me breathless. I swallowed hard—my throat tight as I tried to make sense of the fear that had been driving him all along. He started pacing in the small space between us again.
“And with your crazy ex out there, obsessively carving your tattoo into his damn murder victims, it feels reckless to even consider it. So, I’ve let myself believe that casual is enough because it has to be enough. But it’s not. It’s never enough. I always want more from you, but I’m not willing to jeopardize your safety because of what I want.”
The thrum of my pulse echoed in my ears.
“Do you even realize how messed up that is? How utterly illogical you sound?” The words tumbled out faster than I could control them. “You’ve been dealt a shit hand, and people you loved have died. It’s awful and I can’t imagine the pain it has caused you. But it doesn’t mean every person you care about is going to meet the same fate.”
Dorian stopped pacing and turned to face me again.
“If you’re willing to sacrifice whatever this is”—I gestured between us—“because of your delusional viewpoint, then so be it. I’ll walk away. I’ll leave you, and I’ll leave this town if I have to.”
My hands trembled at the thought, and I bit down on my lip to keep from spiraling. I wasn’t ready to leave this town. To leave Dotty or Gracie.
But he didn’t move. Didn’t respond.
His eyes bored into mine, full of conflicted emotions. “What if I let you in and everything falls apart?” He tried to mask his words with anger, but his voice trembled at the edges.
“If you keep getting lost in the what ifs, you’ll only end up regretting all the chances you didn’t take.”
I reached out, placing my hand on his chest, feeling the rapid thump of his heartbeat beneath my fingers.
“I’m scared too. John’s still out there, taunting me, blaming me, killing because of me .” My voice cracked. “The only things that have given me a reason to let go and finally hope for a future are you and Gracie. But don’t think I’m not waiting for the worst—for him to sweep in and hurt one of you.” I looked up into his eyes. “The possibility of it being undone is a small price to pay for something real.”
Dorian’s hand shot up, catching my wrist, his grip firm but not harsh. His eyes were dark, filled with emotion as he spoke. “If you think I’d let him anywhere near you or my daughter and wouldn’t strangle him with my bare hands, you’re wrong.”
His grip tightened slightly, the anger in him barely contained, and I relished it. I relished him giving into the emotions and finally letting it out, rather than hiding it under numbness.
I was never threatened by him, never feared he would hurt me. I knew he wouldn’t. I’d known all along.
“But you’re already running away,” I snapped, pulling my hand from his grasp. I took a step back, needing distance from him, even though every fiber of me wanted to close the gap. “You’re running away because you think it’s easier than letting yourself care.”
His shoulders sagged, and he ran a hand over his face, exhaustion creeping in. “It is easier,” he admitted, his voice cracking just enough to betray him. “Because I can’t lose you. I can’t lose anyone else. I’m not just scared, Noah. I’m fucking terrified .”
My throat tightened, and tears pricked at the corners of my eyes.
“Terrified.” I agreed, letting the words from months ago echo between us.
Dorian’s expression changed, the anger fading just slightly, replaced by something vulnerable. He studied me, his brow furrowed, as if he didn’t know whether to pull me closer or push me away.
Just then, his phone buzzed in his pocket, breaking through the heavy silence. The sound was jarring, pushing us back to reality. The moment shattered, and we both froze.
My heart leaped into my throat, and I watched as Dorian glanced at his phone, then back at me. The intensity in his eyes made something twist inside me, a growing fear creeping into my thoughts.
What if he says something I can’t handle? What if the next words out of his mouth are the ones that finally break me? What if he isn’t willing to try?
The thought sent a wave of panic through me, my hands trembling at the possibility of needing to leave this place.
I couldn’t bear to hear it.
I swallowed hard, my heart racing, the weight of his silence pressing down on me. The distance between us suddenly felt insurmountable—like a chasm that was growing wider with every second that passed.
The fear was suffocating, making it hard to breathe.
I couldn’t wait for his response. I couldn’t stand here and face the possibility of him telling me I wasn’t enough, that this—whatever we had—wasn’t worth the risk.
I had to get out.
“I can’t do this right now,” I finally managed to say, stepping back.
All I could think about was fleeing, putting space between us and the mess of emotions that had already undone everything I thought I knew.
“Noah, wait!” he called after me, but I was already gone.