13. Zoe
THIRTEEN
ZOE
I t felt good talking to Allie again, even if she was pushing me to make decisions about the grad program.
I’d felt like Shannon was my only friend since arriving back in Poplar Springs, so reconnecting with my old colleague on video chat made me feel a little less alone.
Allie was one of the few people who really got me, from my jokes to the lingo I used, even to the way we both dressed.
“I’m telling you, you’re a perfect fit,” Allie said. “You just have to pursue a certification through the Elizabeth Curtis program.”
“I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right for me.
I want an in-person program,” I replied, staring out the window at the setting sun.
I’d spent the day working in the kitchen again and even though it was a central location, I had only seen Josh in passing since the trail ride the day before.
My thoughts drifted to what had happened between us at the end of the ride, but Allie kicked up the badgering.
“At least consider it,” Allie was saying. “I don’t think you should miss out. ”
“Fine, fine, I’ll ponder it,” I answered to placate her. “Anyway, I need your advice about this website update I’m working on. Do you have any experience incorporating maps and drone footage on a portfolio site?”
Allie laughed. “ What are you up to? FBI crap?”
“Ha ha,” I said sarcastically. “I just want users to get a feel for what the trail riding experience will be like, plus, I want to differentiate the site and the ranch from all the ones already out there.”
“Well, that’ll do it. And I haven’t done that sort of thing myself, but I can probably help you figure it out.”
“Perfect,” I said, scooting closer to the computer. “Let’s get to it.”
Half an hour later I was feeling happy with my progress.
I wanted to run to Josh’s office and show him what I’d accomplished, but then I remembered how he’d reacted to me that morning when our paths had crossed.
He’d barely looked at me, to the point where I’d worried I had some of my spinach omelet caught in my teeth.
My other thought was that he was embarrassed about kissing me after the trail ride.
That had to be it. Why else would he keep backing away from me?
He’d accidentally kissed someone he equated to a sister, and now he was trying to revert to the way things were before.
I crossed my legs on the uncomfortable bench and leaned back against the wall. That kiss. It had been so quick that it couldn’t really be counted, but the moment was enough to dredge up all the old sensations from when we were together.
The feeling that the ground was giving way beneath my feet and then the pull to get as close as possible to him.
I’d been so caught off guard by the shock and giddy sensations that all I could do was stare at him in silence afterwards—until the notifications on his phone derailed the moment.
I frowned. I could tell by the way he was acting that he felt like he’d made a mistake .
Dammit, things were going to be awkward with him again . At least this time it was his fault.
“Hey, Zo, are you meditating or something?”
My eyes flew open at the sound of Shannon’s voice in the doorway. “Hey, no, just, uh…thinking.”
I refrained from saying about what. Or whom.
Shannon plopped down at the table across from me. “Woman, it’s Friday night at six. Why are you still working?”
I laughed. “You know how I operate.”
“I do, which is why I’m here to make you a better offer. Let’s head out and grab a drink or something. A girl’s night out.”
I shuddered at the phrase. My old roommates always used to squeal about “GNO” as I sat in my room working.
“No, I’m okay. I’ll pass.”
Shannon frowned at me. “Come on. We’ll hit up the Squeaky Wheel, just like the old days.”
“Gross, no thank you.” I pretended to gag. “I stick out like a sore thumb there.”
“You can borrow my boots again,” she singsonged. “Just change out of the death metal T-shirt and you’ll pass for a Poplar Springs lifer.”
“Do you remember what happened the last time I went there?” I demanded.
Shannon squinted at me. “Uh, you had a great time with me, just like you will tonight?”
“No, someone put that song “Awkward Girl” on repeat on the jukebox. They played it like ten times. ”
“Oh yeah, now I remember,” she said with a scowl. “But who says that was about you? Maybe someone there just liked the song?”
“I guess you didn’t see the horse girl clique laughing at me the whole time?”
“Things are different now, Zo,” Shannon said. “We’re grown-ups.”
I shook my head. “People in this town don’t change.” I’d already witnessed that when we’d gone shopping.
“Fine,” Shannon finally said. “I get it. And you might enjoy hanging out with Josh more than me. He’s due back in an hour or so. Maybe you two can watch a movie or something?”
I tried to keep my face neutral as I processed the information. Alone with Josh? When I still couldn’t stop having tremor-inducing fantasies about him while he considered me nothing more than a sister? No thanks.
“You know what? I think I will go out with you after all. Might be good to clear my head.”
“Yeah,” Shannon cheered, clapping. “This’ll be fun!”
I highly doubted that I could have anything close to fun at the ancient country-western bar, but I was willing to risk it to avoid having to face Josh on my own.
“Give me ten minutes to get ready.” I looked down at what I was wearing. “Make that twenty.”
“Have you seen that new series, Last to Know ?” the girl asked, leaning forward and shouting to be heard above the old-school country music .
I couldn’t remember her name. It was Kayla, or Emma, or McKenzie.
Shannon had introduced her friends in quick succession, and I’d been so focused on trying to keep my face arranged in a normal, happy expression that I didn’t connect the names to the faces.
They all seemed friendly; it was just that we didn’t have any common ground.
I shook my head. “I don’t watch much TV.”
“Gotcha. It’s good, you should check it out,” the girl said agreeably, then looked around the room.
Shannon was deep in conversation with the other two women we’d connected with shortly after arriving at the Squeaky Wheel.
One of them kept fluttering her left hand up near her face, showing off her new engagement ring.
I wished I had something meaningful to contribute to the conversation, but the world of wedding planning was lost on me.
I liked going to weddings, but I had no idea what went into them—nor did I have any real interest in finding out.
The girl I’d been chatting with drifted over to the others and another woman joined them.
She looked familiar. I squinted trying to figure out where I’d seen her before as I watched her make all the appropriate responses to the engagement ring that was flashed in her face.
I thought Shannon had said she worked in the mayor’s office, but I couldn’t remember her name.
Amy! With that mystery solved, I scoped out the bar and sucked down my cider.
I smirked. Even my drink choice was different; the growing crew clustered around the newly affianced all clutched martini glasses.
The bar crowd looked exactly the way I remembered from the one time I’d gone to the bar years before: country cool.
The women were dressed to impress in cowboy boots and floaty skirts that swung out when they twirled on the dance floor, and the guys were wearing pressed jeans that left little to the imagination, the quintessential plaid shirt with snaps, and boots.
I watched the dancers, and a tiny part wished that the impromptu lessons on line dancing and the two step Shannon had given me years ago had stuck.
To say that I had two left feet was an understatement. I couldn’t stick to the beat despite the hours Shannon spent teaching me all the steps. As soon as I had to dance with the music, my feet would get tangled on air.
Watching everyone out there now, it looked like a lot of fun.
I scanned the room again and my heart stopped when I spotted the figure across the bar.
Josh .
I was trying to avoid him by going out, so what was he doing here?
I felt a nervous, fluttery feeling in my stomach at the sight of him, like a middle schooler at the first dance of the year.
Why did he have that effect on me? The ability to make me feel buzzy and nauseated at the same time.
I needed to get whatever this was under control or staying at the ranch and working with him was going to be torture.
He was engrossed in conversation with a guy wearing a worn cowboy hat and neither of them paid attention to the women a few barstools down from them laughing loudly and trying to get them to look their way. Whatever Josh and the guy were discussing, it seemed important.
I drifted closer to Shannon’s group. They were talking about gel manicures, and I tucked my free hand in my pocket. I kept my nails short so they didn’t clack on the keyboard, and with the pounding my fingertips took when I was on a roll, nail polish tended to chip off fast.
I drained the last of my cider. “I’m going to grab another. Anyone need a refill? ”
They held up their full glasses so I nodded and headed for the bar. The crowd was three deep around making it unlikely that the busy bartender would even notice me tucked in between the rowdier patrons. I sighed. Why had I agreed to come out again?
“You’ll never get the bartender’s attention from there. Need help?”
The voice near my ear made me jump.
“Josh! Where did you come from?”
He pointed across the bar. “Just finishing up a friendly meeting. Saw you were over here, so I thought I’d come say hi before I left.”
I perked up at the thought of possibly hitching a ride home with him but realized that putting the two of us alone in his truck would make my mind wander to dangerous places. And maybe my hands too.
“You trying to avoid the coven?” he said, nodding toward where Shannon and her friends were clustered. Amy was no longer there, but two others had joined them also holding martini glasses. Was that a drink requirement with them?
“Oh, they’re not so bad,” I said. “They’re all nice, I just have nothing in common with them.”
“I can believe that.”
What did that mean? I struggled to come up with something to say but Josh’s face brightened, and he pointed up as the song changed.
“I’ve got an idea. Kill some time with me on the dance floor. This song is great.”
It wasn’t a belly-rubber, as my dad called slow songs, nor was it a dance that required me to know how to do complicated footwork or spins. Josh looked so hopeful that I felt like I had no choice but to say yes .
“You do remember that I’m a terrible dancer, right?”
“Well then, it’s a damn good thing I’m an excellent dance lead. I’ll make you look good.”
Josh took my hand and tingles spread up my arm exactly the way they had when he’d helped me off Indigo. He led me to a comparatively quiet spot in the back corner of the dance floor.
“This is a country waltz. It’s just a one-two-three, one-two-three over and over,” Josh said in a reassuring way, as if I’d know what it meant. I nodded as he brought me closer and placed his other hand on the small of my back.
Dancing was a terrible idea.
Josh paused for a minute to find the beat, then set off, using the pressure of his hands to guide me around. After a few stumbles, and far-too-many attempts to quiet my misgivings, I found the rhythm and relaxed enough to focus on what his body was doing.
“You’re a great dancer!” he said over the music, leaning close enough so that I could smell his piney scent.
I felt a ripple of pride. “You’re just making me look good.”
“We’re making each other look good,” he said close to my ear. “Check out the crowd, everyone is watching.”
My eyes went wide as I glanced around and noticed that not only were Shannon and her friends watching, quite a few other people were focused on us as well. I realized that more than a few were women with sour expressions.
I turned my attention back to Josh.
Gliding across the floor with him went from feeling embarrassing and awkward to natural. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t seem to dance with Shannon. Josh and I fit together, like we were a gear and a chain. And being in Josh’s arms made me feel confident, like I deserved to be there.
Josh shifted his grip, bringing me a little closer and smiling down at me.
Damn it, it was happening again. The woozy, drunken feeling that I could get lost in his eyes.
I wanted to lean in and rest my head on his chest, to feel his solidness pressed up against me.
It had been years since we’d been together together, yet being in his arms on the dance floor brought all of the sensual memories flooding back.
He used to caress my naked body like he was addicted to the feel of my skin.
Josh had always worshipped my entire body, and no one since him had made me feel as sexy, desired, and alive as he had.
I straightened up and leaned away from Josh with a start.
No , enough of the fantasizing. Josh no longer felt that way for me and if I wanted to make it through the project and my time at the ranch, I needed to keep my distance.
Wall off my heart, and all points south, too.
I’d be leaving soon enough for a place where I’d never feel awkward and weird.
A place where they accepted me as I was.
I looked up at Josh again as the song came to an end and tried not to think about how being in his arms was one of the few places where I’d always felt at home, and I refused to think about how much it was going to hurt when it was time to leave.