12. Sienna
Sienna
Two days later, the snow is still coming down, and I’m no closer to getting out of here.
I sit by the fire as the wind whistles through the chimney. The flames dance, changing direction depending on the gusts. I watch the fireplace like it’s a TV. It’s the next best thing, since there’s no television in this cabin.
My phone picks up WiFi well in the main cabin, which means I’m often tempted to check it. I’m trying to only use it to text Jules, but sometimes I can’t help myself. Before I know it, I’m scrolling through social media feeds, watching videos of myself.
I’m the talk of the fucking town.
“Where is she?”
“It’s like she fell into a hole.”
“Maybe she has, after watching Holden propose to Valentina.”
The social media conspiracies, podcasts and interviews are all bullshit, but that doesn’t stop me from looking. The boys often catch me on my phone and tear the device from my hands. They hide it, and yesterday afternoon, I played the longest game of hide-and-seek. Bastards.
“It’s all garbage,” says Knox, and I couldn’t agree with him more.
But I still spend hours overthinking the garbage. To a certain extent, it controls my life.
I stare harder at the dancing flames as the wind builds. I will not look at my phone. I will not ruin my three-hour streak.
The past two days here have been far more tolerable than the online gossip. I eat gluten-free bread, catch the men staring at me at random intervals throughout the day, spend the next half hour spiraling over how unfairly hot they are, and then carry on as if nothing happened.
Henry is my saving grace in all of this. He keeps my mind off of everything, teaching me new board games I’ve become heavily invested in. He calls me “See-See” because he hasn’t quite mastered my name. It’s cute.
Yesterday, I taught him one of my old dance routines. He struggled to get the hang of it.
“It’s too hard, See-See,” he told me.
I told him he’d get there eventually. “Practice makes perfect, Hen-Hen.”
Generally speaking, practice does make perfect.
But apparently not when it comes to getting over men you find incredibly attractive.
I try to forget them. When I’m not searching for my phone or hanging out with Henry, I’m locked up in my room— Knox’s room— trying to meditate. But I come out of the meditation feeling worse. It doesn’t matter how deeply I inhale and then exhale. They’re still on my mind.
It doesn’t help that I’m in Knox’s room. His bedsheets smell like him, like the outdoors mixed with something undeniably male. It’s delicious. Holden used to smell like Christian Dior, and I thought it was hot.
Now I take it all back. Real men don’t smell like Dior—they smell like these three guys.
One thing always leads to another. Before I know it, instead of meditating, I’m under the sheets fingering myself.
I sigh now on the couch, feeling the flames lull me to sleep.
As I lay my head down, I smell Knox. Of course. He’s been sleeping on the couch. This is exactly why I want my old cabin back. It can’t be good for my health to be turned on this much. It’d be different if these men were actually doing something about the way they’re making me feel…
I shut my eyes and focus on the sounds of the crackling fire. Unfortunately, my mind has other plans. Until I’m sexually satisfied, all I’ll be able to think about is how much I want these guys.
I flip onto my side, groaning. I never understood true sexual frustration until now.
I’ve been starving for years. Looking back, Holden scratched the itch. But was it ever this?
Absolutely not.
I cringe when I think about Eli and our last conversation—when he told me I didn’t need to feel embarrassed about touching myself. That was two days ago. He hasn’t said anything like that since then.
Cash ignores me too, but his reasons are different. Apparently, he hates me and everything I stand for.
He should get a grip. Just because I’m an actress doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.
I help myself to a glass of water. Surprisingly, the tap water up here tastes better than any expensive bottled water you can find in LA.
I lean into the countertop and survey today’s outfit.
I’ve had better. I’ve also had worse. Knox insisted I wear some of his clothes.
They’re huge, which reminds me how small I am compared to him.
He said I need to be comfortable, though, and my clothes are definitely not comfortable. He’s not wrong.
My heart lurches every time I think about him saying that.
What’s weird is how… normal they’re all being. They’re not treating me like they want me in any way. They’re giving me nothing—making zero advancements—and it’s weird.
They say my name like I’m just a buddy of theirs, and they dress me in the most non-revealing clothes possible. They are the complete opposite of the men I know and hate back home, which is why I’m probably so drawn to them.
They have got to be the least superficial people I’ve ever met. Everything up here has a purpose, and the clothes they wear are designed simply to keep them warm. Fashion statements aren’t really a thing. These men value practicality and look at things from a survival perspective.
In retrospect, surviving felt harder on the red carpet than it does up here—even with no premium grocery stores or Pilates studios around.
Eli returns to check on the vegetables in the oven and I can’t help but notice his broad shoulders and tight ass.
At dinnertime, I sit at the table and shovel mashed potatoes into my mouth, thinking about how much weight I’m going to gain while I’m here and not even caring.
“This is so good. What’s the secret ingredient?” I ask. “Oh, wait… Avocado oil?”
Eli sniffs a laugh, focused on his plate instead of me. “Butter. I know a guy down in the valley who has cows,” he says, “We milk and kill them ourselves.”
“The beef is out of this world,” adds Cash. “Try a burger when you’re back in the city. You’ll be able to taste the difference.”
So nice of him to bring up that I’m leaving soon.
There goes my appetite. I glance out of the window and notice that the wind is gone. It must’ve died down this afternoon when I was snoozing by the fire.
“Not long left now,” says Cash, with a huge smile on his face.
“He’s right.” Knox is too consumed by weather reports to read the room. It’s kinda funny. I like that about him. “From what the forecast says, we’re through the last of the wind and snow. The sun should be shining all day tomorrow.”
I grimace. That means the snow will be melting.
Shit. Will tomorrow be my last day here?
There’s a rock in the pit of my stomach, and Cash is to blame for planting it there.
“So, you used to live in the city?” I circle back around to his burger comment.
Cash stops chewing but doesn’t answer the question.
“You’d only know how bad the burgers are there if you spent some time in the city yourself.”
“Yes,” he finally says. “I lived in LA for a while.”
“Interesting. What did you do for work before you decided to make killing cows and deer your new profession?”
“That’s probably a conversation for another time,” says Eli. “Who wants more mashed potatoes?”
I have to find out what Cash’s problem is before I leave. He can’t hate me if we came from similar circumstances. That just doesn’t make any sense.
If he wants to play this game, let’s do it. He’s making assumptions about me. I can do the same about him.
I pick my fork back up and finish eating, leaving the situation alone. Henry is here. I need to set a good example for him.
“See-See,” he asks. “Can you teach me the second part of the dance tomorrow?”
“Of course, sweet pea.” I ruffle his hair. “But only if you eat all your veggies.”
Cash pins me a look across the table, which is totally uncalled for. What the fuck is his problem anyway? The others don’t seem to have any issues with me being here.
Eli stands from the table when Henry’s finished eating his veggies. “Time for bed, buddy.”
Henry jumps into my lap and flings his arms around me. “Night, night, See-See.”
I hold him close to my body and wait for the inevitable wave of sadness to hit. God, he’s such a cutie pie. I want one. “Make sure the bed bugs don’t bite.”
“I bite off their heads.” He takes a big pretend bite and laughs hysterically.
I don’t doubt that for one second.
He runs off to Eli, who is staring at me with a strange expression on his face.
Needing an excuse to break eye contact, I begin gathering up the plates.
“Look at the princess being helpful for once,” says Cash, back at it again with his snide remarks.
I balance the plates in my hand, staring down at him. “Can’t go for more than an hour without saying something rude to me, huh?”
“I’m glad someone’s keeping count.”
I press my lips together and head into the kitchen, where I find Knox, shoving a hunk of venison in his mouth.
“I’ll take those,” he says, nodding at the plates.
“It’s fine. I want to be useful.”
“It’s okay. You’re a guest.” His hands reach out, brushing against mine.
I seize up. “No, that won’t be?—”
“Contrary to what Cash says, you work hard, Sienna, and deserve a break. Something tells me you haven’t been able to catch one in quite a while.”
I search his eyes. How does he know that? “Have you been going through my phone?”
Jules is the only person I talk to about my personal life.
He shakes his head and takes the plates.
I know he’s telling the truth. Knox doesn’t seem to know how to use technology other than the vintage laptop he occasionally uses to analyze weather reports.
Eli returns after putting Henry to bed, stoking the fire. I turn and watch him and can’t help but stare when I see his biceps flex as he rearranges firewood.
“We should have a drink tonight.”
Never a good idea.
But what else is there to do?
Eli produces a bottle of Jack Beam and some glasses and clears the table to make room for… a game?
“Alright everyone, take your seats.”
I sit down hesitantly, watching Eli unscrew the cap. Hopefully, this is a game I can win. I really hate losing.