19. Sienna #2
But now I’m looking back and questioning if I was ever truly myself. I was never fully authentic. Not since I moved to LA.
Grammy was right when she questioned me about dancing. I stopped pursuing dance when I signed my acting contract.
But now when I dance with Henry, I feel so free. I can’t remember the last time I channeled my energy into something that wasn’t appearance-based.
Pilates and yoga get the heart pumping and tone you up, but do I feel alive when I’m doing plank oblique twists? Hell no.
What if I’ve been watering myself down all these years into a likable version of myself? Holden taught me how to fake it. And then I made it, and lost my identity along the way.
I found myself again last night when I chose to surrender fully. Cash, Knox and Eli found a way to make me feel like myself again.
“Sienna… You still here?”
“Yeah… still here.”
“I asked you when you’re coming back home. There’s not still snow up there, is there?”
I hesitate for a second. Maybe I could just lie and tell her I’m still snowed in. But Jules is smart; she’ll know I’m lying. “No, most of its gone.”
“Look, Sienna, I know this is hard, but you really gotta get your ass back down here.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Not kidding.”
“Jules, my ass is plastered all over the internet.”
“It won’t be for long. Trust me, news melts quicker than the snow. Your acting in Hearts For You is already old news.”
“Yes, because these people have bigger, more humiliating things to discuss about me now. Do you know I received a message earlier from a porn director?”
Jules bursts out laughing. “Ha! In his dreams…”
“No, not in his dreams. He can subscribe to a page and see my ass in all its glory.”
“Babe,” says Jules, “you go to Pilates five times a week and never skip on protein. Your ass deserves as much attention as your face. That thing is a work of art.”
“Not helping.”
“I’m serious. Change the narrative. When you show people you don’t care, they don’t either. Who says you have to be ashamed?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, centering myself as the guilt cuts through me again.
“Jules,” I sigh. “I can’t go back. Not yet. Let's wait for something bigger to hit the news first, like, I don’t know, Valentina to leave Holden’s ass when she realizes how much of a loser he is.”
Jules bursts out laughing again. “Sounds like one good thing has come out of this—you’re finally over Holden.”
“Are you joking? Honey, have you seen these men I was photographed with?”
“I know. People want to know who they are. If their faces are anything like their bodies?—”
“If you think they have good backs, wait until you see their faces and other… areas.” I pause. “Actually, forget I said that. They’re mine. All three. You can’t have them. And if these bitches down in LA think they can have them, they can think again.”
Jules snorts. “Sounds like you’re not just in it for the sex…”
I bite my lip, unsure how to respond. I have too much on my plate to deal with at the moment. Best not to complicate things and go down an emotional rabbit hole that I won’t be able to pull myself out of.
“You’ll need to say goodbye to them soon, though, Sienna. Today, preferably.”
My chest tightens at the thought, and that’s not even factoring Henry into the equation. Sweet Henry. I think he assumes I’m staying here for good. I could cry if I was looking at his cute little face right now.
I peel back the oversized shirt I’m wearing—baggy on me, a tight fit on Eli. I’m drenched in sweat and it’s too much.
“I can’t. Not today.”
“When?” asks Jules. “Because stacked on top of all of this breaking news, I still have your dialect coach pestering me. And don’t even get me started on that fucking costume designer.”
I can’t do responsibility at the moment. I’m laying here and feeling sorry for myself, and that’s the end of it.
“Tell them I don’t give a shit.”
“Sienna!”
“I’m serious. Sounds like they need a mountain retreat more than I do. There are more important things going on in the world than their precious movie.”
“Like?”
“My ass.”
Jules breaks out in laughter. “True—your ass is super important. As I said—you should really use this whole thing to your advantage. Women love a bit of body positivity. And the comments aren’t all negative.”
I rake a hand through my hair, still messed up from last night. Someone said I look like I’ve been dragged backward through a hedge. Hit the nail right on the head with that one.
If I’m distraught over people attacking the likable version of Sienna Lane, imagine the wreckage when I bring the real Sienna to the table.
“The sequel starts in less than three weeks. We need you back.”
Dread causes me to sink into the mattress. I feel it enter my bloodstream, slowing everything down.
I get a text.
Holden: “What the fuck, Sienna?”
I bark out a laugh. That’s all the bastard has to say to me? He proposed five feet away from me at a red carpet event, and now he’s going to give me shit?
“What’s funny?” asks Jules.
I don’t even want to get into this with Jules right now. All I know is I just can’t handle all this. Not right now. Maybe never.
“Nothing. I’m just totally overwhelmed. Listen, I’m not doing the sequel. They’ll have to find someone else to take over my role.”
“I’ll drive up there right now and drag you back to Beverly Hills myself.”
“I’d love to see you try and do that in the Saint Laurents you’re wearing right now.” I hear her heels stabbing the concrete.
“Okay, so maybe you have a point,” says Jules. “But on a serious note, Sienna, you’re only making things worse for yourself, and I’m saying this as a friend, not your agent.”
“Great. I need you to be my friend right now, Jules.”
“You’re not listening to me, though. You’ll lose more than your dignity and half a million dollars if you don’t come back to film,” she says. “Feel free to live in the mountains once you’re done on set if that’s what you want, but fulfill this contract first.”
I frown. “What else will I lose?”
“All of your hard work. You’re a natural, girl. Do you remember what you said to me when you signed your first contract? You told me you spent your whole life waiting for this moment.”
I blink away a tear and sigh.
Dancing in the kitchen after a rough day at school.
Grammy watching, a huge smile on her face.
“You make me and your mom so proud, baby.”
One day I’ll have an audience and make them even prouder.
Little did I know Grammy was the only audience I needed.
She was the only one who mattered.
I wipe away a tear as the guilt seeps into my chest again. What if I got it all wrong?
I dreamed so hard that I forgot to appreciate the most important things, the most important people.
Grammy’s house wasn’t much, but it was home. I think about her little homey kitchen with the oak table with three chairs.
“You never know when Mommy might want to come and join us for dinner,” Grammy often said with a sad look on her face.
“Sienna? You still?—?”
“Yes, I’m still here.”
“Don’t let your younger self down, babe. Make her proud,” says Jules. “There’s still time to redeem yourself. You’re strong, and I know you’ve got what it takes.”
“Okay.” I slide down the headboard as I end the call, feeling even more fucked in the head than I was last week before the storm.