34. Hollis
Ipace back and forth, the nervous anxiousness almost getting the better of me as my stomach twists and a sick feeling rises up in my chest. Fuck, maybe I should have asked Connor to be here.
Except, I want to speak to Emilio on my own.
I need to apologize, to try to give him some explanation as to why I treated him like anything other than the precious gift he is.
And I need to do it on our terms, no one else’s.
It’s why I jumped at the opportunity when Tennant told me he was taking Allesandro to lay the fear of God into some hospital bureaucrats.
Pulling at my hair, I can’t help but wonder if I’m not ready for this.
Anxiety has my breaths coming quicker than I would like, and my heart races as all the scenarios run through my head.
Emilio could very easily turn me down, wave my apology away and say we’re done.
That he can’t be with someone who would treat him like shit…
And I wouldn’t blame him. My Pup is so fucking strong.
It’s one of the things I love most about him.
But…it’s also one of my biggest fears—losing someone I love.
Fuck, my entire being wants to break apart at just the thought.
There’s a knock at the door, and I stop my pacing to look up at Emilio as he pushes it open and steps into the room. Fuck, he looks amazing.
His clothes are more casual than I’ve seen him wear before.
The royal blue polo and khakis make him look as if he’s your average twenty-one-year-old, but I know he’s not.
We’ve all grown and changed these past few months.
Emilio and Roman have each grown into their skin as Bosses, as people, and it’s been an honor to watch them.
I hope I am not about to lose that ability.
“You can shut the door,” I tell him softly. “Javi okayed it for this conversation.”
He nods and slowly shuts the door. The catch of the latch is loud in my ears, though I know that’s all in my head. My stupid fucking issues rising to the surface with the anxiety and fear rolling through me.
“Thank you for coming to talk,” I say into the heavy, awkward silence.
“If you didn’t ask, I would have taken matters into my own hands,” he replies softly. “I…I never wanted this.”
I try to smile at him, but fail. “I know. But…I needed it. I needed to be reminded of what I have to lose if I don’t get my shit together. If not you, then Tennant or Jude, or even Roman, would have made me see sense. Your way…was just quicker, and…more explosive than the others.”
He flinches. “I’m—”
“Don’t you dare fucking apologize. You’re not the one who should be sorry, not for protecting yourself. Ever.” Taking a deep breath, I cross the room to where he stands and drop to my knees in front of him.
Emilio’s eyes widen, and he gasps as he stares down at me.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him, hoping he can see the truth in my gaze.
“I’m so sorry, Baby, that I ever, for one fucking second, took the gift you give so effortlessly for granted.
I never, ever want you to doubt yourself, or who you give your submission to.
You’re right, I stopped listening to you.
I was so lost in my own head and hurt that I couldn’t separate the two.
It’s not an excuse. There are no excuses for the way I treated you, the way I treated Allesandro. Hell, even the way I treated Tennant.
“I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life, for not appreciating you as I should have.
I told you before, I needed to be a better Owner for you, and I failed.
I understand if you no longer trust me, because I proved I don’t deserve you, but please know, I am deeply sorry for hurting you, and making you feel unloved. ”
Tears fill his eyes as he stares down at me.
“You hurt me,” he says softly. “More than that, you hurt my Master. I…I can forgive you for what you did to me, even though it’s hard to accept that you see me only as a plaything, and not a valued partner, but hurting someone I love?
That will always be unforgivable to me.”
I swallow down the pain and shame coursing through me at his words. Bowing my head, I find it hard to look him in the eye as his words cut deep into my tattered soul.
“Allesandro and I talked,” I tell him softly.
“I apologized to him as well. He’s the one who walked me to Javi that day.
We…are trying to make a relationship between us work.
To be partners, even though we’ve not yet fully worked out what that means.
We love both you and Tennant, and want to be friends, if nothing more than to make this all work.
He was right in saying that he couldn’t be your Master with me pulling all the strings, but I think he couldn’t fully be Tennant’s Boy either, knowing what Ten means to me.
” Taking a deep breath, I shift on my knees, the unforgiving hard floor starting to make them ache.
I am definitely not used to kneeling for long periods of time.
“Allesandro and I…we have a long way to go, and will probably end up in one of the therapists’ offices to further work our shit out, but we’re trying, for you and Ten, and for ourselves.
Because if the past nine months have taught us anything, it’s that the one in power needs his support system more often than not. ”
Emilio gently coaxes my face up to his, his hands soft on my skin where he holds me. He stares at me in wide-eyed wonder. “You really mean all that?”
“Of course. I have never lied to you, Emilio. Never. I am so very sorry I hurt you, and I thank you for showing me the error of my ways. I want you to know I was listening. I’m finding my way with Allesandro, not simply because you asked, or Tennant did, but because I know it’s the only way for us both to move forward. ”
His bottom lip wobbles. “But…you said you’d never forgive him.”
I take a body shuddering breath. “I did, and I think in a way, that’ll always be true, but it’s not about him.
No, if you can forgive him, if Tennant can, then I can too.
It’s harder for me because of my past. But forgiving him…
letting him in…it’s something I am actively working on, not just for you and Tennant, but myself and him too.
“I know he loves you, and he wasn’t the man we see today, or even the man he was before when it happened.
I can forgive both those men. I can understand that pain causes many different responses in people, and that he did what he did, but it’s not who he is.
I know that, and I forgive him for it. I’ll make sure to let him know, too.
So he doesn’t have to walk on eggshells around me. ”
Licking my lips, I stare into his shiny emerald eyes as I confess, “It was never about you, Emilio. Or even about Allesandro that day. But the control I was losing. I…hadn’t felt that way in a very long time.
If at all. The only thing I can compare it to is when my second abuser locked me in a small, damp room for days on end, and my life slipped away from me.
All I could think about after that was ending it.
“When he saved me, I hated him. I hated my life, and I looked for ways to die at every opportunity. He didn’t give me the chance, though, unwilling to part with the investment he’d put so much time and effort into.
” I am unable to tell him that the rapes increased then.
Before, it was mostly touching, mind games, and an after-dinner blow job.
He only fucked me on special occasions. After though?
After it seemed to awaken part of him, because there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t have to endure him on me, in me, all around me.
“By the time I was able to escape, I had given up on ever being able to die and leave that pain behind. It had been a long time since I last harmed myself before I did it again, though I thought about it every single day for years.”
I hate seeing Emilio cry, knowing his pain is for me, but as hard as this is, he needs to know. If we’re to move on, then he needs to understand that it was never about him, or Allesandro, but always about what a failure I am.
“So you see, Baby, it wasn’t about Allesandro. My inability to listen was because I was in my head, trying desperately to hold onto the control I lost a long time ago, and…I will never forgive myself for hurting you.”
“Angel…” he whispers. With his hands on my cheeks, holding me firmly in place, he leans down and presses the softest kiss to my lips. “Thank you for trusting me.”
“Always, Emilio. I have always trusted you, I just haven’t trusted myself.”
He pulls back to look into my eyes, his strength and resolve clear in his gaze, and it takes my breath away. “I trust you. I love you. And I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “Don’t. Don’t ever fucking apologize for putting yourself first. Daddy and I taught you to, and I’m so fucking proud you that stood up to me, that you didn’t take any of my shit. It makes me so happy knowing you’ll always protect yourself.”
“I want to protect you, too.”
I huff a laugh. “You do. Without you, who knows the damage I would have caused before Tennant and Javi dragged me in here kicking and screaming.”
He releases my face and looks at me for a moment before asking, “Can…can you get up? I…it’s not right. I’m the one who’s supposed to go to my knees.”
I smile and stand, groaning at the aches shooting through my legs. Fuck, I am too old for that shit.
Emilio watches me carefully, but a giggle slips out of him as I moan and stretch out my body.
I roll my eyes at him. “Not all of us are used to being on our knees, Pup.”
“I like seeing you kneel for me, Sir, but…I would prefer to be the one on my knees.”
My breath catches. “You…trust me to do that?”
He blinks up at me, his gaze too fucking sweet, and he's practically begging to be put in his place. “It was never about wanting it, Sir. Or even trusting you. But how you took me for granted. I’ve learned to respect myself, and know I deserve more.”