43. Sandro
Hollis tenses, and from the corner of my eye, Tennant seizes the opportunity to stand to his full height. My former Boys are entranced—I don’t blame them—but I desperately need for this to be contained. We are one now. There is no room for fighting or petty misunderstandings.
Clearing my throat, I raise my hand. “I believe that was all you needed to discuss, Carter? Because if so, I’ll stay back and talk to a few people while plans are moved forward.”
Carter’s relief is evident, even as Hollis leans into me, murmuring, “You don’t have to give pieces of yourself to others anymore…”
I offer him a small smile, soaking in the warmth of a partner, but I know better.
“It’s better to let Antonio ask his questions.
I’m not ashamed. Of any of you. And whatever questions they have, I’ll answer what I deem acceptable, and they can deal with the disappointment of not knowing everything… ”
Hollis’s frown still doesn’t waver, but I refuse to bend on this. These are the men who carried me for so long, who offered me their service and loyalty, and who have had my heart since I brought them into the fold. If they have questions, the least I can do is answer them.
Hollis gives a grudging nod, and that seems to be enough for Carter. He claps his hands and states, “That’s all then.”
With that, there’s some muted grumbling, but most of the former Amatos disperse.
Only Hollis and Tennant linger, whereas my former Boys come closer.
My heart gives a pang when I realize Luca isn’t here.
No matter what, he will always be someone I cherish, and I decide to call him later.
Our friendship may have suffered momentarily, but we’re making strides to rebuild it, to make it even stronger than before.
I’m surprised Benjamin stays, although Marcus shoos Keegan away. He hesitates briefly, but gives in, stealing a hard kiss from Marcus. Whatever he whispers makes Marcus’s face turn red, but he nods in response. I bite back a smile at them. I’m so glad they found each other—and Carter.
I beckon to Tennant, who has drawn closer, and face both him and Hollis. “I know you both want to protect me. I’ll be fine. Please, go do what needs to be done, or spend some time together. You’ve both been running around trying to do too much.”
My frown doesn’t sway them, but Lio leans against Tennant and says, “He’s right, Daddy. He’ll be fine. And…we’re still family. I mean, we’re all family in the Council, but…”
“But that doesn’t mean we don’t carry a special bond,” Marcus finishes for Lio, who sighs in relief.
I tilt my head in agreement, knowing that whatever these men ask of me, I’d give it.
From my time to skills, to the very breath inside me.
And while that may worry Tennant and Hollis, I know my Boys—they are passionate, but not cruel.
They could have turned out that way, but somehow, my treasures, the ones that have always mattered more to me than all the riches, and even the title of Il Padrone, remained priceless and true.
“Alright, but if you need us…” Tennant sighs, but Lio immediately agrees, holding up his phone.
I’m nervous, but I have faith in my Boys. They’re all strong, and have found their happily ever afters, even if it’s in ways I didn’t expect. When Hollis and Tennant leave, Lio immediately sits beside me. It allows me to draw a breath, easing the tension running through me.
“So…” Antonio almost dances from foot to foot, his smile contagious.
Clearing my throat, I say, “Tennant and I have a Daddy/Boy relationship. He’s been helping me find myself.”
“Much like Master is still my Papa Bear and I’m his Boy.” Lio’s face lights up, and I appreciate the way he’s trying to set me at ease, but… For some reason, most of the Boys’ faces remain closed off.
“And you’re going to act as his…PA?” The disgust from Ignacio makes me want to cower.
Tightening my hands into fists, I try to send my anxiety there, to slow my breathing and beat back the fear. It takes a moment, but I finally respond, “Yes. I think that’s the best capacity for me at the moment.”
“You’re Il Padrone, Allesandro. This… This makes no sense.” The frustration rolling off my former Boy is enough to cause whiplash. Of all people, he should understand…
Swallowing the bile that wants to come up as memories assault me, I try to offer him the truth. But fuck, it’s hard to put into words. The jumble of my emotions is…too much.
I try to chuckle, but it’s weak. “Yeah, but there’s not much for a former Boss to do.
The Council is extremely well balanced with Death, Life, and Wisdom.
This way, I can still help. I have contacts that are useful, and I can help keep things moving.
You, of all my former Boys, know I never led from the back. ”
The disgruntled looks at being called my former Boys takes me aback. Are they offended by the recognition that they were my Boys? Do they hate those memories so much?
I struggle against the fear in my heart as I whisper, “I mean… I understand you may not like being associated with me, or your time as one of mine…and I’ve worked hard to change. To be Sandro, instead of Allesandro. To atone…”
“Fuck that,” Antonio snaps, fury crossing his face.
The panic threatens to overtake me, to make me cower, but I stay strong, giving them an outlet. It’s only fair that they have their say. That they cast me out on their own terms.
Lio touches my leg, drawing my attention. “Did you give Roman and Carter nicknames?”
He’s safe, I reassure myself. There’s no judgment in his eyes, only avid curiosity. I smile in response, putting my hand over his, needing to draw comfort from him.
“Yes, Caro. Roman is the heart of so many. He is Life, and your match in this Organization. There’s a reason he’s your stabby soulmate. And Carter’s experiences, they lend you both wisdom. He helps steer you, even as he draws from the balance you two give.”
“I like that. They’re good nicknames.” Lio radiates with pleasure, and I breathe easier, knowing at least one person doesn’t hate me.
“Better than Sandro,” Antonio grumbles.
Marcus sighs, holding up his hand. “That’s his choice on what to be called. We need to respect that.”
“I disagree,” Benjamin argues back. “By calling him Sandro, we’re just letting him believe that’s the only person we accept.”
Antonio nods stubbornly. “He’s ignoring a major part of himself. He’s Allesandro. Il Padrone. It doesn’t matter. Leader of the Martellis or member of the Council, he’s still Allesandro. He’s still a Master. And we’re still his.”
“Agreed. You can’t just…turn your back on your legacy, and on us.” Ignacio ire bubbles over as he gets up from where he’s sitting, beginning to pace. I don’t know what to do…how to heal this rift that’s growing between us.
My voice breaks, just like my soul, as I try to explain, “I’m not sure what you want from me.
I tried to atone for my sins. Most of you wanted me cast out…
or even dead. You left. And when I fix it, now that’s not good enough?
I…I want your acceptance. I love each and every one of you, but I don’t understand. ”
“And that’s enough.” Tennant’s voice rolls inside the room like thunder, and I jolt from it.
The sheer command…it’s terrifying. Worse, Javi is standing beside him.
While he’s still predominantly in black, there’s small touches of color.
A yellow belt, a pink jacket. It eases something in me, to see someone able to fight back.
It gives me hope for myself. Even if I have lost my Boys, just like my name.
“Would you mind going to check on Cristian for me?” Javi asks me gently.
I cast a worried glance at my past, as my present looms over them, but finally give in.
If Cristian needs me, that’s where I should be.
It’s obvious there’s nothing for me here anymore…
. Except for my Lio, who squeezes my hand one more time before I get up and walk out.
No words are left in my wake, because what can I say? How much more can I beg?
I’m unwanted. As Allesandro, I was hated. As Sandro, I’m found wanting. They want Il Padrone, they want the illusion of strength, and I can’t give it to them. Because if I break… If I were to ever hurt them again… I’d rather die at my own hand than ever go down that road again.
For their sakes and mine, I’ll keep my soul locked inside a box so the toxicity can never touch them again. If that means I lose all ties, then perhaps that’s the true penance, and I’ll pay it. Whatever it takes to keep them safe…