44. Cristian
Being injured sucks. I’m grateful Leandro had the foresight to lend me a tablet so I could watch the meeting, but the feed cut out as soon as everyone left Allesandro and his Boys alone.
Worry tries to consume me, knowing that my love has no one by his side while he bares his soul to the people who mean the most to him.
Because contrary to what is believed, Allesandro loves his Boys. They’re his family, his everything.
Knowing he’s facing them alone—because I know him, he wouldn’t want anyone to step in as he explained his new dynamics—it makes me want to be there with him all the more. My Allesandro is too soft-hearted for his own good, even if he doesn’t believe that.
As restlessness and boredom once again set in, the door to my room opens. I expect it to be Roman or Carter, or even Leandro again to collect his tablet, but instead, it’s Allesandro. He stumbles into the room, eyes downcast, posture slumped, as if he’s a puppet that's had his strings cut.
He collapses into the chair next to my bed and reaches for my hand. When his eyes meet mine, they’re full of pain, but before I can ask about it, he clears his throat. “How are you doing, Dolce Cuore? I’m sorry I haven’t been around much…”
“I’m okay.”
He frowns. “Are you sure? I remember when I was hurt, I was bored out of my mind, but at…at least the Boys stopped by to see me sometimes. I know Roman and Carter have been here, but I’ve been taking up so much of Tennant’s time, and—”
“Hey, breathe. It’s okay. I promise. I’m…dealing. It hurts, but pain I can handle. Don’t apologize.”
“I don’t want to fail you too… I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I promise.”
I frown as I study him. He looks away from my scrutiny, but I don’t let it go. Not after knowing he was supposed to be talking to his family. “Cuore Mio? What’s wrong? What happened?”
He shakes his head, and I watch as his mouth opens but nothing comes out. Squeezing his hand as hard as I can, I try to bring his attention to me, begging without words for him to meet my gaze.
Several minutes pass where we sit like that, silently, with the despair rolling off Allesandro so great that it’s choking.
I…don’t know what to do. He’s always been the strong one.
Even in the midst of his own pain, he’s always been the one to hold us both up, and I selfishly took from him, letting him cut off pieces of himself so I could get comfort.
Now, he needs the same from me. He needs to know he’s not alone. That whatever happened, he can lean on me.
Swallowing, I tug on his hand, encouraging him to lean over, but even as he rests on me as much as possible in our positions, it’s not enough.
So I release his hand, my heart hurting at the wounded sound he makes, but I don’t let it stop me from moving over to the other side of the bed, despite my chest hurting from all the movement.
“Come here, My Love.” I hold my hand out for him.
Allesnadro finally, finally looks up. His bright blue eyes are burning with a helplessness that takes my breath away.
“Please, Curoe Mio,” I whisper. “Come here.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
I shake my head. “You won’t. I need to hold you. Please.”
Allesandro crawls onto the bed. It’s tight, as we’re not small men and the bed is narrow, but when he curls into me, with his head on my shoulder, and his arm thrown over my lower abdomen to avoid hurting my surgery scars… It’s everything.
I’m sure my arm will go numb as I wrap it around him, but I don’t care. I cradle my heart as much as I can, and let his tears soak into the soft shirt I’m wearing.
“I’ve got you. Va tutto bene, Amore Mio. Non ti lascerò andare. Lo prometto.”
Allesandro’s sobs shake my body, and the jolts make my still-healing wounds hurt, but the physical pain has nothing on the emotional hurt coursing through me.
“Shhh. I got you. You’re safe with me, My Love. It’ll be okay.” I whisper words of comfort to him as I hold him as tightly as possible in this position and condition, hating that I can’t do more for him.
Eventually, he cries himself out, and I think he’s fallen asleep, only for him to whisper against my skin. “They don’t want me.”
“That’s not true.”
He adjusts himself so he can meet my eyes, and the tears in his cut me to the quick.
“It is. They… They wanted me cast out, at best, dead, at worst, when I was Allesandro. Now, I’m trying so fucking hard to be Sandro, and that’s not good enough for them.
They…they don’t think I’ll be a good PA for Daddy.
They want me to be Il Padrone, but…but they don’t understand how that’s not me.
It never was. I hurt them, broke them so badly, and they’d rather I not be here than be myself. ”
“Hey.” I shift on the bed, pain flashing through me.
Allesandro must see it on my face, as he makes a distressed sound, but I stop him when he tries to get up.
“We need bigger fucking hospital beds,” I grumble.
Grabbing his chin, I force his eyes to mine once more.
“You’re beautiful inside and out, Cuore Mio.
They don’t understand, and you can’t make them.
It’ll take time, but they still love you. I have faith in that.”
He shakes his head. “Antonio and Ignacio are so angry…”
I swallow back a sigh. “I’m sorry. That’s my fault. If I had never done what I did—”
“No. You weren’t yourself. You were breaking, but I know your heart. You did what you thought was your only option at the time. You need to stop carrying the guilt of your trauma.”
“So do you, My Love,” I tell him. “They only know the person you were when you were hiding from your pain and trauma. They’re scared. But give them time to get to know you, the real you, and they’ll see how beautiful and perfect you are.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know how. I’ve done nothing but try, all this time…”
“Shhh.” I wipe the tears from his face. “You’re good, Allesandro.
You’re strong, you’re fierce, and you’re loved.
So very loved. Ti amo così tanto che mi toglie il respiro.
Your Boys…they’re hurting. They’re finding their places in this new Council, but they're also trying to keep what they knew for so long together. You never showed your vulnerability to them before. It’s not so different from me trying to reconcile the man who raised Roman with the one who hurt him so badly.
I… We’re going to see Marshall, maybe you and the Boys need to as well? ”
He shrinks into himself. “What if they never learn to accept who I really am?”
I brush my fingers over his cheek. “If they love you as much as I believe they do, they will. They just need time. They don’t know how much pain you’ve carried around, and it probably hurts them to know that they didn’t fully know you at all.”
He licks his lips, his eyes closing as he whispers, “Tennant and Javi got me out of there… I…I didn’t know what to do or say. I tried so hard, but it wasn’t enough…”
“Shh, it’s okay. You can’t force them to see it. You can’t break yourself open for them, or close yourself off because they’re uncomfortable. All you can do is be yourself, and let them see who you really are.”
“What if who I am still isn’t enough? Not that I really know who or what I am.”
My poor Allesandro. Everything in me hurts, and I want to protect him from whatever is causing him pain, except I know he’ll kill himself in order to get approval from his Boys. And that is unacceptable.
“Tennant will help you, and Javi. They’ll help the Boys as well. There’s not a chance in this world that Tennant would have opened himself up to you if he didn’t think you were worthy. If they can’t see that? Well, he’ll show them the error of their ways.”
“I don’t want him to hurt them. They’re still part of me. But Daddy…” He cringes.
“Hey, don’t censor yourself on my behalf. I might not fully get it, but I’m working on it. For Roman’s sake, and for Carter’s, and yours. I’m glad you have Ten and Emilio. Don’t worry. Tennant loves hard, even if he hates the word. He’ll help you as much as he can. I will, too.”
He meets my gaze. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, or Daddy, or Lio…or any of them.”
“You’re you. It’s as simple as that, Cuore Mio. The Boys, they’ll come around. Because I know you. You curated your family into what you wanted it to be. You chose and fell for only the strongest, which means, they might be stubborn, but they’ll get through this—you all will.”
He whimpers, and I hold him as close as the bed and my injury allows.
“It’ll be okay, My Love. I got you.”
Allesandro shakes as he cries again, but I don’t mind.
His pain is my pain, and I’ll swallow down every ounce of hurt and discomfort if it means he’ll keep fighting to be here with me.
Because I don’t think I can do this without him.
If it means facing down the men who love him—one of whom I’ve already hurt—I’ll do it.
Anything and everything, as long as the man in my arms is safe and happy.
Allesandro might not see it, but he is everything good in this blood-soaked life of ours. My joy, my heart, my love.
“You’ll get through this,” I whisper into his hair. “I’ll be there by your side as you find yourself again, and so will your Boys.”
I don’t know if I’m making promises I can’t keep, but I’ll die trying to make them happen. That’s my unspoken vow to him.