45. Javi
Disgust. Fury. Pain. It all roils inside me as my gaze sweeps across the room, taking in this sorry excuse for a “family.” There’s a slash of heartache as I realize I’ll never have Ely again to soothe what’s inside me, to straighten out the conflicting emotions.
Jude is a welcome surprise, but I have no clue what he’d make of this mess… And it is a mess.
Tennant’s harsh breathing next to me only elevates my own frustration. If I don’t step in, he’s likely to slaughter them. Although, I’m more inclined to help him with that. Still, I promised to fix these assholes. Perhaps a lobotomy is the better idea…
“You snitched on us!” Antonio exclaims, and even though he’s clearly trying to modulate his voice, it snaps with fiery anger, making Lio wince.
Growling, Tennant steps forward, but I put my hand on him, stilling him. I already got Allesandro out of the immediate range of the impending explosion. It looks like it’s on me to get Lio somewhere safe, too.
“Lio, would you mind going to help Atticus? He was looking for some help with Fury, and thought since you do such a good job with her, you’d like to assist.”
“Yes, Javi, of course.” His smile is strained, despite the excitement that flickers in his eyes at the mention of Fury.
Really, mention any pet and Lio is sold. He truly is a homicidal teddy bear, which I’m here for, but it's a good reason to get him out of the line of fire. He’d likely help stab people if he stays… We have similar viewpoints. People suck, animals are wonderful.
Which brings me to dealing with the remainder of these fuckups. It’s a good thing Tennant stopped by my office with Hollis. They were checking in with me about Allesandro, including the Voices, when Lio sent an SOS, followed by a discreet phone call where we could hear everything being said.
It was hard enough to convince Hollis to stay back. But if I hadn’t… Yeah, none of the Boys, aside from Lio, would survive. And while I’m inclined to agree with that, I’m still bound to helping these test subjects from Hell.
“Let me be very clear,” my voice low. “That man saved most of you. His childhood was one I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. He lives with the scars of that. Then, he was forced into a position he didn’t even want, especially since it came with forcing men to bend to his will.
“And if any of you felt at all unlucky with him, please note, you wouldn’t have survived his father.
Hell, he barely did. He goes through all that, provides you all with a life of fucking comfort, and when he’s severely traumatized after being kidnapped and coming back to a family he no longer recognizes, you didn’t even bother to get him help.
“No, he spiraled, and you all sat back and waited out the fucking consequences.
And then…after true chaos and misery were strewn all over the family, you left.
And no, you do not get to throw that on Lio.
Someone who is being abused gets to leave.
But you sit there and talk about being a family, about him still being Il Padrone or what-the-fuck-ever, and you all chose to walk away.
“Both Allesandro and Cristian were drowning, and both of their families turned their backs. So do not tell me that you still expect either one of them to be who they used to be, when you made it clear they had no place in your life.”
I finish, breathing hard, but unable to look away from them.
Marcus drops his eyes with a sigh. Benjamin sits up straighter, crossing his arms as he juts his chin out in stubborn denial.
My fingers twitch, and I hope Tennant can forgive me, because if this asshole even thinks about crossing the line after what I just said…
I’ll have no choice but to put a knife in him.
“That’s bullshit!” Antonio shouts. “We’re not the only ones who left, yet you expect us to take the blame?!”
“Not to mention we were backing up our friend, who was hurt.” Benjamin’s sneer almost pisses me off more than Antonio’s outburst. These fucking assholes…
“You’d be wrong,” Tennant cuts in, his voice hard, unforgiving. It prevents me from stabbing anyone, which is sad. “I still talked to Cristian. We had both Bosses under surveillance. Doc and Luca were in communication with us as well. But…you know the other difference?”
Sandro’s Boys exchange wary glances, but keep their mouths shut. Good.
“The other difference,” Tennant continues, “is that the only person who showed any concern was Lio. And yet, he was the one who was hurt. Because he understood immediately that this was not the man he served, that he loved.
“Antonio, you were so far gone that you wanted him dead. Marcus, you spent your time focused on beating your former Master. Benjamin…”
He doesn’t finish the sentence, but from the way Benjamin winces, it wasn’t good. Taking a deep breath, I step into the fray once more. Even if it’s the last thing I want.
“Let’s talk about after the Bosses suffered mental breaks.
First, to make this clear, I don’t disagree with people leaving.
It kept you all safe and helped keep the Bosses safe, too, from making worse decisions.
But you could have raised the issue with Sarah.
With the new Bosses. With anyone…but you didn’t.
Both of the Bosses were then further broken. I saw the videos. It…”
I cut myself off, unable to finish. The videos remind me too much of my own past, and my gratitude to Ely for never giving up on me, unlike these men… And the hollow feeling of her being gone.
“They weren’t safe,” Antonio whispers, even as his face reflects guilt.
I clench my jaw, fury building once again, overtaking the despair. “Do you not listen? I agree, and I’m not saying you were completely in the wrong. But you cannot call yourself family only when it’s convenient.
“That little pinprick of guilt you feel? It’s nothing compared to what Sandro has gone through. He traveled a gamut, and he still punishes himself every day for it. And I don’t see you offering your support.
“Instead, he has apologized and supported each of you. He became Sandro out of necessity. From the flames of destruction, he rose again. He refused his full self because he was terrified he’d hurt one of you.
“Yet, he still provided the most support. Babysitting Cole when he could. Going as far as to put food on the table for your nourishment. He accepted the bullying, and never complained. He’s broken. Let me stress that. Broken. His mind, his soul, and his fucking heart.
“Trauma… it isn’t easy to overcome. You do not get to slap him down for not being able to snap his fingers and heal at the speed you want. You do not get to sit there and judge him, find him wanting, and then not understand why he’s so fucking terrified of letting you and others down.
“And most of all,” my voice wavers as I struggle against a sob that wants to rise. “You do not get to weaponize the word family.”
The last word—family—echoes in the room. It’s the most powerful word to these people. And yet, I’m beginning to think they don’t understand it. It works for them when the mighty Il Padrone sacrificed himself, when he shielded them, forgave them for their betrayals.
Yet, where were they when he needed their forgiveness? When he suffered?
I whirl around, darting out of the room. I can’t go any further. Not as bile rises up inside me. So many times Ely could have walked away. Should have. Yet, she refused. I fucked up. Time and time again. Hell, I couldn’t even accept Daniel. But. She. Never. Gave. Up.
I barely make it to the nearest bathroom in time. I purge the bile that rises up until there’s nothing but dry heaves. Even then, I shake, tears streaming down my face. Ely. Her child… I cry for them both.
And is it selfish? Probably. But I cry for myself. For not knowing if I’ll ever have that true unconditional love again.
She wanted me back, needed my help, and I stayed for my test subjects. I got too close. And fuck, I can’t be fixed… What makes me think I can fix them?