Chapter XXX
S?renhad been spiritlessly existing in a disconnected daze for weeks.
Work abandoned. Now Arien gone. A new listlessness took hold.
He was suddenly weary like he'd not been in years. Like feelings of the past trauma now compacted with his recent loss and made him unable to move past any of it.
S?ren knew he needed to pull himself from the depth-less mire. He never lost control like this.
After a day of trying to get back to work, some sense of tedious normality returned.
S?ren headed home at the end of it and walked straight up to her abandoned room. The smell of her still lingered, soothing places inside of him nothing else seemed to. He stood still, simply remembering.
Only, something didn't feel the same today.S?ren tried to figure the change as he stretched out on her bed.
It came to him suddenly - this no longer felt like a strong enough fix. Even the checking up on her with Constance didn't feel like enough these past few days. And it left him restless, an anxiety deep in his bones that he couldn't quite explain away.
Without thinking,S?reninstead found himself driving towards the airport.
And then boarding a flight.
Hiring a car.
And finally, driving to Soleil's address.
Parking outside and just waiting. Taking his first real breath in months.
It was dark outside already so all he could see were the lights of the house switching on between rooms. But it was enough, just knowing that Soleil was a few metres away. That was enough forS?ren's fractured insides.
He fell asleep in the car. His dreams empty and light like they hadn't been for sometime.
The warm morning light awokeS?ren. Working out a crick in his neck, he massaged absentmindedly, eyes back to the house across the street.
Not a few minutes later, like sun coming out after days of deary rainy weather, the object of his obsession, stepped through the front door.
Soleil.
The effect of seeing her was instantaneous on his body.It was molecular, like his very cells knew her.S?renwatched Soleil make her way to her car, eagerly drinking in what features he could make out from across the street.
She looked...well. Maybe a tad dispirited but that might've been his own imaginings, projecting his feelings on her.
Soleil had the distracted look on her face which he could recall her often wearing, she tended to lose herself in her head about things.
Overthinking constantly. And then she'd get surprised when pulled back to reality.
There was always this second after where Soleil looked like she wasn't sure where she was.
That's how lost she'd be. And each time,S?ren remembered thinking all he wanted in the future, was to be the one that brought her back down each time.
Her hair was longer now as well, the shades of brunette touched by sunlight glinting through. Whenever they found themselves in the garden back home,S?renalways thought it magic what the sunlight did to her hair and golden brown eyes.
He drunk it all in like a man starved of water. The curve of her neck, the way her fingers wrapped around her bag strap. The way she distractedly looked for her car keys.
Everything he ever wanted only a street away from him.
The bone deep weariness loosened.
S?renstayed until her car had driven out of sight, and only then made his way back to the airport. Satiated for the moment, he returned home.
This becameS?ren'shis new routine. Coming into town for varying amounts of time, spying on the mate he'd let get away.
He usually just kept his distance, viewing her leaving or arriving back home.
Or when she went to work at the mom's new fiance's shop.
Sometimes he pushed the limits though, following from a distance at a mall or when she was on a walk.
S?renknew in some part of him that this was probably unhealthy, not to mention and invasion of her privacy, but this was all he could allow himself.
S?ren hadspent the months oscillating between convincing himself that this was for the best, that this was how it was meant to be - let Soleil live her life and find happiness without him.
But on other days, he loathed himself, and Arien a little bit too, for letting her leave.
For letting their bond be disrespected in this way.
AsS?renfollowed behind Soleil on her sunset walk, he reflected on everything that had led him to this point. Led them to this end.
Maybe it had to do with never seeing a healthy mate bond between his parents.
Maybe it was all the trauma sustained at the facility that had made him so hardened and jaded. So entirely warped and wrong for Soleil. He'd never be good again, too much had transpired for that.
Or maybe it was his strong, borderline unhealthy protection of his brother. Making that his entire life's purpose had rendered him unable to be with Soleil while Arien stood in the way.
No matter whatS?renreasoned over and over again, all he could feel now was how wrong this all felt.
How painful it felt to be without Soleil. How, for the first time he could admit to needing someone other than Arien. How, everyday he awoke with the wish that he could return back to those two weeks they'd had together. It now felt like a faraway dream, hecould never relive.
Her parting words played on repeat in his mind,'if you let me leave now, I won't forgive you for that.'
He watched Soleil turn back to the house, she wore earphones which made it easier to go undetected.
S?ren soaked in the nearness as dusk fell.Even just the outline of her back was enough for him.
Seeing her like this, doing okay, and maybe happy, made it easier for him to forgive himself. Not entirely, but slowly - like one chiselling away at stone, so too did he at his self-loathing.
S?renheaded back to his car, getting in the drivers side as he readied to head back to the empty mansion, enough of Soleil in his veins to tide him over until his next inevitable return.
He was just about to start the ignition when a tapping on the car window had his head twisting sharply to the side.
It took him a second to make sense of it.
Like a mirage, Soleil stood outside.
Knowing he'd been caught,S?ren stiffly opened the door and stepped out, ready to face her fury.
Soleil wasted no time in pleasantries, "What are you doing here?"
Only allowing himself a second to peruse her face clearly, committing it to memory like it might disappear at any moment.S?ren answered,"I come here sometimes to see you."
His truthful words weren't enough to explain anything really. And they felt silly to say after all this time. All their history.
Her next question was sharper, "How long have you been doing this?"
Uncomfortable silence panned out.
"S?ren?" She didn't know why his answer was suddenly so important to know.
"Months."
Months. He'd been here for months.
Within reach.
Soleil didn't know what to do with this information. Didn't know what to do with the man that stood before her, looking like all that was holding him together were last ditch loose stitches. The sudden urge to cry, or scream, or hit him came upon her.
But seeing those dark eyes that never left her dreams, all that replaced with want. Heart rending, illogical want. Here stoodS?ren, the one thing she wanted.
Clarity descending over her senses, Soleil ordered, "Wait," before rushing back inside.
S?ren obediently waited. He remained completely unsure of what she was feeling, of what she meant to do. But he'd withstand it all, if only to hear her voice for awhile longer.
Soleil returned after sometime, extending her hand, she held a book his way.
"I stole your journal..." With her admission came a bittersweet drawing back of her lip, "Seems my criminal tendencies haven't quite abated."
S?rencouldn't care less that she'd taken it. She could take anything of his.
His only answer was reaching out to take it from her.
"So I know your...past."Soleil looked like she was gauging his reaction, but seeing no change inS?ren'sface, she continued, "And I think I came to know you those past few months. And now, all I know is, that I want to know you now. And all the days to come."
Steeling herself for the final speech she's practiced in her head just these past minutes,"And so if you want me-"
"Of course I want you."
S?ren couldn't help the instant, almost angry admission. It spilled from his lips like a plea, and a fact.
"I've never not wanted you," then voice wretchedly broken, "I just don't deserve you, I-I can't be good enough for you Soleil."
His dark eyes filled with all the things Soleil wanted him to forgive himself for.
Soleil shook her head gently, like she knew that already, "I never needed you to be good. I just needed you to be mine. I just want you to be mine. I want all the parts of you, just the way they are."
The seconds grew long between the two, drowning in one another's gazes, but not wanting to be saved. They both soaked up how right it felt to be back in one each other's orbit. The bond unfurled and sparked between them.
"Are you sure?"S?ren's voice was low, hesitant in a way it never was.
Soleil's answer was the complete opposite, firm and unequivocal, "Yes."
The word had barely fallen from Soleil's lips beforeS?renwas pullingher into him, hug crushingly tight.
He only eased away enough to press his lips to her temple.
Softly, reverently, like one did to a forgotten religion.
His new vow clear. He would never again let her be away from him again.
Their lips met. That familiarly scorching bond firmly clicked back into place whileS?ren desperately lost himself in her.
A flushed and slightly dazed looking Soleil finally drew back, catching her breath.
S?ren only just noticed the backpack she's brought along.
Did that mean?He questioningly looked down at her.
A bright and content smile wasSoleil's only answer as she turned to the car.
Not questioning her decision,S?renled her to the passenger side, hand on the small of her back, he pulled the door open for his mate.
His mate.
The sudden irrational and territorial urge overtookS?ren, he wanted her home, before she changed her mind. Working quickly, he buckled Soleil in and then opened the boot to place her backpack inside, before striding back to the drivers seat.
One thingS?renwas sure of was he planned never to let her go. No matter how little he deserved her, no matter how wholly unworthy he was. All he wanted was something good for the first time. Soleil.
Soleil's head turned hisway, drinking in the features she'd been parched without. A smile still played on her lips as she studied the profile, the slight frown as he already got caught up in his no doubt, dark thoughts. Feeling her eyes on him,S?renturned, eyes meeting hers.
"I love you too much to let you go now." His words were final question and promise, likeS?renwas trying to make sure she knew consequences of her choice.
There was no real question anymore though, as if he was even capable of letting her go if she decided no.
Drawing a hand up, Soleil palmed his cheek.
"Let's go homeS?ren."
S?renobeyed his mate, like a man who'd been gifted the entire world.
finis.