Chapter 22
TWENTY-TWO
Elliana
I’m actually kind of surprised he let me sleep through the night without kicking the door in again or doing something else to terrorize me. The house is silent when I wake up on Thursday morning.
It’s almost eerie. Right away, questions hit me from all sides, and it’s exhausting. I just opened my eyes, and my mind is already spinning. There’s no way to get a break from it.
Is he going to school today? Or is he going to shadow me around? I know he doesn’t really care how I feel. He’s scared I’ll retaliate. That’s why he won’t leave me alone. He has to think I’m stupid if he wants me to believe anything different.
I’m not sure how I would retaliate; unless I told our parents, which I would definitely not do. For one thing, it would be too humiliating—I can’t even imagine how I would explain it. Why he had those pictures in the first place. Why I didn’t say something a long time ago? I could have ended all of this before it started by going straight to Paul and telling him everything.
So why didn’t I? Because I was trapped. None of this is my fault—I can’t blame myself for anything I did, the choices I made. If I told Paul, Carter would have found a way to get back at me, obviously. And it would’ve been brutal. Worse than things already are.
Only now I have to show my face sometime, right? So it’s not Carter’s bullying I have to worry about. It’s everybody else.
It’s almost funny, the way my phone rings while I’m imagining the misery I know I’m going to face once I step foot out of the house. I don’t even want to answer when I see it’s only Wren calling. As much as I need kindness, I don’t know if I have the energy to handle it. Of course, that makes me feel like the most ungrateful person in the entire world, but I can’t help it. I never knew it took so much energy to be pitied.
“Hey, you.” All right, at least she doesn’t sound like she’s choosing every word carefully in case I break down. That’s a good start. “We thought we would give you a ride to school today, me and Maya. Carter already knows. You won’t even have to sit in the car with him.”
So they’ve been talking about me? I can’t even think about that right now. Not when the idea of showing my face at school is almost enough to paralyze me. “I don’t think I can go today.”
“You can’t skip again. It will end up tanking your grades.”
Like I care about grades. Like I care about anything. “I just don’t think I can handle it. You know how it’s going to be.”
“But if you stay home again, they win. You get that, right? Everybody who wants to put you down wins, because they’ll think you’re running away and hiding.”
“They wouldn’t be wrong.”
“Do you really want to give them that power? I’ve been where you are now, or close to it,” she reminds me. “I know how it feels when all you want to do is forget everything. You want to keep yourself safe.”
“Yes, I do.”
“But that’s not really safety. Please,” she urges. “Don’t do that to yourself. This will pass. And you’ll have Maya and me with you.”
Not always. We don’t have class together. But she has a point, too. I shouldn’t let these assholes hold me back. I’m not going to wreck my college education because of them. I can’t give them that power.
“Fine,” I decide with a sigh. “Thank you. I’ll be ready in half an hour.”
“Great. We’ll be there.” She sounds relieved as we end the call. I have to remind myself how much sadder and grayer my life was before I found a friend who actually cares. I still don’t quite understand why, but then she understands what it’s like. I can’t forget that. She and Maya both get it.
And somehow, they were able to forgive the guys who bullied them. I don’t know if I have that in me. Forgiving and forgetting. I never would’ve considered myself somebody who holds a grudge—I mean, I wouldn’t open myself up to friendship with any of the people who hurt me back in high school, but that’s because I would know they didn’t mean it. They would only be trying to trick me into letting my guard down.
This is different. This is somebody I have no choice but to share space with. What a disgusting thought. Forced to be around him. Every time I see him, remembering how many times he took advantage of me, how many times he forced me.
How frantic he sounded when he came back the night the photos went out. Not like I was in the mood to feel sorry for him that night. I’m still not in the mood two days later, forcing myself out of bed. I want him to suffer. I want him to live in fear of the moment I decide to tell our parents what he did. I won’t, but he doesn’t know that.
The little spark that thought ignites in me is enough to push me through the motions of getting ready. Pulling on one of my sweaters feels like pulling on armor that will defend me from the assholes who I’m sure are waiting to pile on even more humiliation today. Wren is right. I can’t let them hold me back. Carter included.
There’s a bowl and spoon in the sink, telling me he got up earlier than usual and had breakfast. His truck isn’t in the driveway. Is he trying to avoid me? Thank God for small favors. It’s probably better that he does. For both our sakes.
I’m ready to go by the time somebody taps a horn in front of the house. At least, I’m dressed and everything. Whether I’m mentally prepared is another story. I’m barely even ready to step outside, where the glare of the sun is the first thing that greets me. I wish I could shrink to nothing and fade away, even when I know there are two friends waiting for me in the car.
Though they’re not waiting for long. Before I’m halfway down the steps, they’re both opening their doors so they can come out and give me a hug. It’s nice, it really is, even if it still feels a little awkward because they must’ve seen those pictures, too.
“Come on. Let’s face the world.” Maya takes me by the shoulders and gives me a firm nod while Wren opens the back door for me. “If anybody fucks with you, we fuck with them right back. Got it? We are not leaving you alone.”
“You really don’t have to do that. I don’t want to cause trouble for either of you.”
“You think we care?” Wren waves a hand like it doesn’t matter. “We’ve got your back.”
I can’t act like I’m not grateful, because I am.
“Thank you,” I whisper, then practically throw myself into the car because if this goes on much longer, I’ll start bawling my eyes out. I’ve done enough of that lately.
“So, listen.” Wren shoots Maya a look before turning in the passenger seat. “I’m only doing this because he came begging last night. You know how Tiana is. Carter didn’t have anything to do with sending those pictures, and he feels awful about it. He really does.”
“Is that what this is all about? Did he put you up to driving me?” Could I survive if I pitched myself out of the car right now?
“No, he didn’t put us up to anything. We were already going to offer to drive you in today.” Maya glances at me in the rearview mirror, and it’s obvious she’s angry. “Honestly, I’m not trying to defend him at all. He’s a pig for taking those pictures and keeping them on his phone in the first place.”
Then she sighs. “But he did seem really upset and very sorry. For what it’s worth.”
“We’re on your side, a hundred percent.” Wren narrows her eyes before adding, “And if anybody messes with you today, we want to know about it. I’m serious.”
“Okay.” I’m too overwhelmed to argue, and it’s not like I can’t use the help.
So he went to them. That’s where he disappeared to last night while I switched rooms. I don’t know if it’s annoying as hell or maybe slightly sweet. It couldn’t have been easy for him to swallow his pride.
Not that he’s any kind of hero. I wish he would stop trying to be decent so I could flat-out hate him. Besides, he’s not really being decent. He’s trying to cover his ass so I won’t rat him out. He needs my forgiveness to save himself, that’s all. It’s almost a mantra I have to repeat to myself the whole way to school.
“Oh, you’re fucking kidding me.” Maya’s disgusted grunt pulls me away from the tangled web of my thoughts and into the present, where a familiar and extremely unwelcome person stands chatting with friends on the path leading from the parking lot. Almost like she’s waiting for me.
“I swear to God, Tiana will not be satisfied until somebody kicks her ass—again,” Maya growls. “She is evil incarnate.”
“Maybe I should just go home,” I whisper, frozen in the backseat. “I can’t do this. I just can’t.”
“No. Absolutely not. Unacceptable.” Before I know it, Maya is out of the car, slamming the door and marching toward Tiana with her fists clenched at her sides.
“Oh, shit,” Wren whispers. It’s worry that gets me out of the car at last, but I don’t have the courage to take a step toward where Maya stands in front of Tiana with her arms folded.
“What’s your problem?” Tiana asks with a bright, fake smile.
“You are,” Maya barks. “And you’re pathetic. Unless you want another ass-kicking like the one I already gave you, you’re gonna move on. Walk away. Now.”
Tiana stares at her until it’s obvious Maya is not going to back down. I can only stand back and watch—but I don’t look away when Tiana’s gaze swings toward me. I stare her down, too, if only from a distance. But that’s still a lot better than shrinking back the way I usually would.
“Grow up, Tiana,” Wren adds. “Doing stuff like this is the only way you feel relevant. It’s pathetic. Maybe you should spend your time developing a personality instead.”
Her eyes go narrow, and her jaw tightens, but all she does is toss her head before turning around and stomping off. There’s soft laughter from a group of kids sitting on the lawn, which only makes her walk faster. I’m not going to lie to myself. This is not the last I’ll see of her. I can only hope she thinks twice before starting any more trouble.
“Come on.” Maya returns to the car to get her bag, gritting out her words. Her face is flushed, her eyes bright. “I’m not a violent person, but I swear that girl is asking for it.”
Note to self: don’t get on Maya’s bad side.
“Ignore them,” Wren whispers, walking on my right while Maya walks on my left. Some of the lowest of the low insist on chuckling and whistling as we cut across the quad. It’s not bad enough I’ve been humiliated. They need to rub my nose in it. A couple of girls giggle, but a quick glare from Wren shuts them up, and for the most part, the walk to class is bearable.
It’s when I have to separate from them to actually go into the lecture hall that my heart starts pounding against my ribs so hard, I’m afraid I’ll crack a bone. Carter’s in this class. Bile churns in my stomach, and I regret being too nervous to eat breakfast, but then I’d have only thrown it up thanks to my nerves.
“It’ll be okay,” I whisper, pulling my sleeves over my fists, pretending not to hear soft laughter as a group of thick-neck jocks passes by. Nothing better to do.
I’ll be okay. I need to remind myself of that. I cannot give these people power. They don’t deserve it.
I feel him as soon as I open the door. His presence in the air. Instead of looking around for him, I keep my eyes focused straight ahead and take an empty aisle seat a few rows down from the back. That way, I can duck out as soon as class is over and be out of the room in no time. Fewer people can see me when I’m back here, too.
Unfortunately, there are still plenty of people who can, including a pair of jerks who sit down behind me and loudly make themselves comfortable.
“Check it out,” one of them mutters to the other, nudging the back of my chair with his foot. Like I can’t hear them. “I’ve never sat this close to a model before.”
“Just think. One day, when her pictures are all over the internet, we can say we knew her when she was just a freak who wore sweaters all the time.”
Ignore it. They can’t keep this up all throughout class. Once the professor stands up at the front of the hall, most of the noise and chatter quiets down.
Except for the chatter going on behind me.
“Not gonna lie. I jerked off to those pictures of you.” He kicks the back of my chair again, whoever he is. “Hello. I’m talking to you. You should be flattered.”
Right. I’m super flattered to know somebody jerked off to naked pictures of me that were taken and sent out without my consent. Every girl’s dream.
“Maybe she’s busy thinking about giving you a live show,” his friend jokes. “She’s just too shy to admit it.”
Hatred. So much hatred. Enough to make my skin crawl and a cold sweat to coat the back of my neck. It’s not even so much what they’re saying that has me feeling this filthy and disgusting. I can deal with that. I’ve dealt with much worse.
It’s knowing Carter’s here. He could be watching. I barely turn my head, scanning the room from the corner of my eye. Where is he? Is he paying attention? Who am I kidding—I’m sure he is.
Finally, I catch him. He’s at the other end of the row behind me.
And he’s glaring this way. His face is red enough that he looks sunburnt. Does he feel bad knowing he set this off? It’s almost enough to balance out the humiliation, imagining him hating himself for putting me through it.
“That’s why she wears those sweaters all the time,” one of the guys snickers. “She knows if she flashed those tits around campus, nobody would be able to get any studying done.”
“It’s always the quiet ones, right?”
There’s a sudden noise from the other end of the row, and I look to find Carter bolting up from his seat. Oh, no . But instead of cutting across the row, he takes the stairs up and out of the room, letting the door slam behind him.
Okay…
Not five seconds pass before the door closer to my end of the row opens and his feet pound down the stairs until he comes to a stop behind me.
“What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” he demands, and he’s not quiet about it. Pretty soon most of the people in the lecture hall turn around to watch, including me, totally disregarding the professor and the lesson. Granted, I wasn’t paying attention in the first place, but that’s another story.
“Well?” he snaps, giving the guy sitting behind me a shove. “How about I sit behind you and kick your chair for fifty minutes? How does that sound?”
“Yo, man, what’s your problem?” The jock who got shoved stands up with his chest puffed out and locks eyes with Carter, who stares him down. “What, you send out those pictures and now you feel guilty or some shit?”
“You’re gonna sit back down,” Carter growls, “or your ass is gonna end up at the bottom of the stairs. It’s up to you.”
I can’t handle this. Just when I thought things couldn’t get worse, I have to sit and witness Carter picking fights because he cares all of a sudden. While the two of them continue facing off and the professor shouts at them from the front of the lecture hall, I get my things together and bolt up the few steps between me and the door. Let the two of them beat the shit out of each other. I don’t have to stick around it.
I burst out of the room, breathless and shaking, leaning against the wall next to the door for balance. This is a nightmare. I never should’ve left the house.
The door swings open, and I brace myself for more humiliation, but it wasn’t Carter I expected to see barreling out.
“Are you okay?” he asks with his chest heaving as he takes one ragged breath after another.
All it takes is one look at his flushed face to set a match to the powder keg in my head. All at once the pressure explodes, and I shove him, snarling. It feels too good.
“Am I okay? No, I’m fucking not okay,” I hiss, careful to keep my voice down as curious people walk past in both directions. “What was that? Trying to make yourself feel better by sticking up for me? Well, it didn’t work, did it? You just made everything so much worse.”
“What, by stopping them from humiliating you?”
“You just painted a target on my back, you stupid asshole.” His head snaps back and his eyes fly open wide, and that feels good, too. I should have told him off like this a long time ago, maybe every single day. “Don’t do me any favors, okay? And if you’re looking to ease your guilt, look elsewhere. I’m not interested.”
I’m only halfway turned around, ready to run, when he grabs my arm to hold me in place. “Just wait,” he mutters. “I was trying to help.”
Yanking my arm free, I whisper, “Leave me alone. Pretend we don’t know each other. Otherwise…” The idea hits me, and the words start coming out before I can help it. “Otherwise, our parents will find out about what you did as soon as they get home. Or maybe I’ll call them now, bring them home early. How does that sound?”
Watching his face fall might be the most satisfying thing I’ve seen in days. After taking a second to savor the feeling, I whisper, “Forget I exist.” Then practically run for the nearest exit.
It doesn’t take long for all that satisfaction to turn into tears. Forget waiting for a ride home. I’ll get an Uber. I just have to get out of here, away from everybody.
Nobody can say I didn’t try.