Chapter 40
HARLAN - HOLDING MY PUNCHES
I watched her until she left the precinct. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Her last few words echoing in my mind.
“My love for you may have been blind... But I will stick with jaded over being blind to your brand of love any day.”
My love.
Had she just told me she loved me as a goodbye?
No...
What the fuck just happened?
The office was quiet.
Not peaceful.
Like the silence after a gunshot. The moment you check your chest, wondering if you’re the one who’s bleeding.
The Christmas lights we’d strung across the bullpen over a month ago still blinked faintly in the corner, leftovers from a holiday shift no one had enjoyed, but no one had the heart to take down.
They looked mocking now. A reminder of time passing.
Of her laughter at New Year’s when the clock hit midnight.
Of the way she leaned into me, soft and certain, like maybe she finally believed in us.
And now... gone.
I hadn’t moved since Ava left.
I couldn’t.
She’d come in like fire and left me like ash. I was in shock for part of the conversation, and then defensive, and then I let my tired ego go on the attack.
I’d told myself I was holding the line. That I didn’t owe her answers to questions she didn’t want to ask the right way. How dare she accuse me of some ridiculous shit... how dare she not trust me...
But the second she walked out, spine straight, voice wrecked, eyes shattered... I knew.
I’d just lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
Because I was too goddamn tired to tell the truth out loud.
Too distracted trying to fix everything before I felt worthy of loving her.
Too far down in my own shit to see that she wasn’t asking for perfection. Just honesty.
I kept trying to replay the conversation over and over in my mind and pinpoint when I had fucked up. When the love and warmth in her eyes went out, and the cold steel blue emerged.
I honestly hadn't even realized it had been three weeks. That didn't sit right.
But then that pissed me off too, because she had been sitting on this, stewing on this Erin bullshit for three weeks.
I needed to get air, maybe a nap and then I could clear my head and talk to her.
Yeah, because she’s going to let you anywhere near her after that brutal assault on her character, asshole.
I had to believe that it wasn't over. I heard her words and saw the look on her face. But this couldn't be it... I would get my head on right and talk to her, and we would be…
My phone buzzed.
I didn’t check it.
Another buzz. Then three more in a row.
I finally flipped it over.
Remi.
A jolt of hope shot through me.
Maybe she could explain what Ava couldn’t.
Maybe she could tell me how to fix this.
Maybe...
The first message hit like a punch to the ribs.
Remi
I warned you, asshole.
I blinked, then groaned.
Not you, too.
Remi
You think you’re the victim here? You think I’m just going to pat your head and say “poor Chief Gray” while you blow up the only relationship that ever made Ava believe she could have more than pain?
Another message followed. Then another. She wasn’t holding back.
Remi
She gave you everything. Showed you her broken pieces. Let you see the parts of her no one else got. And what did you do? You turned it all against her.
You threw her fears back in her face like they were weapons. Like her trauma was inconvenient. You told her she could trust you and then made her regret believing that.
You didn’t deny it, Harlan. You let her walk away thinking you were exactly like every other fucking asshole who said they loved her.
I leaned forward, elbows on my knees, gripping the back of my neck like it might keep me from unravelling. My chest fucking hurt. Because she was right. I did this.
Remi
I was Team Harlan.
I had your back.
But you hurt her.
And I told you, if you ever did, she’s not the one you need to be afraid of.
The next message came seconds later.
Remi
Just a piece of advice... next time you want to have your cake and eat it too, maybe make sure your side piece doesn’t blow up your game for you.
This has got to be page one in the “How to Be a Cheating, Lying, Two-Timing Dickbag” handbook.
Then a photo loaded.
Steam on the glass. My hand on the tile. Erin’s naked reflection.
My stomach turned, and the bile burned my throat.
It wasn’t true.
It wasn’t.
But it didn’t matter.
Because I hadn’t said a goddamn word when I had the chance.
Because if this was the ace in her pocket when she came in here asking for the truth, she so desperately needed to hear from me...
I should’ve shouted my innocence. Instead, I stood there like a coward and let Ava walk out thinking she was right.
The final message hit like a death knell.
Remi
I won’t be holding my punches aimed at your department anymore, Chief Gray.
You better watch your back.
Because I’m no longer there to watch it for you.
I set the phone down like it was going to bite me.
The silence returned.
I heard my own words echoing back.
“Don’t do drama.”
“You’re a jaded girl looking for betrayal.”
“You think being with you doesn’t come with a fucking manual of landmines?”
God, what the hell is wrong with me?
Remi was right, I threw her trauma at her like it was ammo. Like it was her fault I was drowning.
I was supposed to be better than the men she survived.
Instead, I became one of them.
I closed my eyes.
Thought about the morning light slanting across her face. The way she smiled when she didn’t think I was watching.
The way she looked at me like she’d found her forever.
And I wrecked it.
The door creaked open.
I didn’t look up.
“Rough evening, Chief?”
Erin’s voice. Sweet. Mocking.
I opened my eyes and stared at the wall. “Not now.”
She walked in anyway. Closed the door behind her.
“You know, I tried to warn you.” Her boots were loud against the tile. “That kind of woman… Ava. Damaged goods. Just like her little shadow. But I guess some men really like to slum it.”
I turned, jaw tight. Trying everything in my power not to hit the woman in front of me, who no doubt orchestrated this whole fucking thing. “Get out, Voss.”
She didn’t flinch. Just crossed her arms and gave me a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “You’re really going to pretend they’re innocent in all this? You do know who you’re siding with, don’t you?”
I stood. “Watch your next words very carefully.”
She smirked. “You’re siding with a girl who has a sealed juvenile record. You think I didn’t investigate her? Littles Ms. Perfect, Remi Carter?”
Erin moved closer, voice low and venomous.
“Do you know how many charges and marks are on her file before and after it got buried? You think she’s some hero? She almost killed a boy. Has a pattern of violence. Of manipulation. Ava’s worse. She’s the face. The mastermind. They’ve been playing you since day one.”
She glanced at my phone on the desk.
“Looks like threats are being made against the department, sir,” she added, eyes glittering. “And you. From someone connected to multiple patients. Probably one of your ‘conflict of interest’ darlings.”
She reached for my phone.
I snatched it before she could touch it. “That’s enough.”
Erin’s face went blank. Cold.
“You’re making a mistake, Chief.”
I stared at her.
“No,” I said. “I already did.”
I walked past her, out into the hall, needing air. Needing to think.
I needed to figure out how to undo the damage I’d done before it buried everyone.
I needed to figure out what game Erin was playing at.
I needed to finish this.
Because I’d spent too long trying to fix a system that was rotting beneath me…
And somehow, I’d finally let the rot in all the way.
And lost everything important to me along the way.