CHAPTER 5
I hadn’t slept; I just lay there all night on the floor beside the bed.
My jaw was pounding, my eye swollen, and my ears tuned to every creak of the house.
But nothing came after that storm. Just silence.
That awful, mocking silence reminding you that you’re still here.
Thanks, guess it’s another day in Satan’s arsehole for us.
My eye had puffed up so much that it hurt every time I blinked. It felt as if someone had buried hot gravel under my eyelid, heat radiating from it as I ran my fingers over the skin.
I couldn’t bring myself to look in the mirror, as I now sported a constant reminder of how much I hated Danny.
My body ached as I sat up on the mattress, pained groans leaving me as I tucked my knees up towards my chest. My eyes drifted to Squeeks, sprouting a smile as she laid there catching flies.
I needed to wake her soon, as another school day loomed, and I wasn’t about to let her fall into the same cracks I had.
She would protest and tell me she didn’t feel great, but I never bought it.
I stood to my feet, rummaging through the pile of clothes that littered the floor, looking for something warmer to wear as my skin prickled. There was a chill this morning, matching the feeling that ran through this house daily, cold and uninviting.
Squeeks stirred as I was pulling on another hoodie over my head. She lay there for a moment, her eyes narrow as they adjusted to the light. She sleepily gripped the sheets as I grabbed them, fighting against her to pull them back.
“Come on sleepyhead, I gotta get you to school.”
“I don’t want to go to school, I don’t feel well.” I glared at her, listening to her whiny tone, waiting for her to stop.
“You done? You know it doesn’t work with me. Come on lazybones, shift.” She continued her usual protest, ranging from “I’m hungry” to “I have a temperature” and so on, as she mumbled, rubbing her eyes and sitting up in bed.
I crouched down to her.
“Squeeks, there’s nothing wrong with you.
You do this every morning, and by the end of the day, you’ve had a great time.
So, if you shift your butt, you might make it to breakfast club.
” She blinked at me, eyes still cloudy with sleep.
But then she saw my face, the bruises already deepening into purple storms, the split just under my eye.
Her little hands reached out, touching my cheek before I could turn away.
“Did Danny do that?” I didn’t answer.
“Is Mummy okay?” Still nothing. I couldn’t lie anymore. But the truth, the actual truth, wasn’t something an eight-year-old should ever have to carry.
So, I just said, “She’s asleep.” I grabbed her hand before she could ask anything else.
We crept down the stairs like ghosts. The destruction of Danny's path lay bare across the house. An ashtray knocked over, and beer cans were scattered across the floor—A broken chair in the kitchen, and somehow, one of Danny’s trainers in the sink.
Mum was out cold on the sofa, tucked under her leopard print coat, mouth half open and mascara smudged down both cheeks, leaving black rivers on her skin.
The telly was chiming with some early morning kids’ program as I slipped inside, making sure Danny wasn’t awake.
His head lolled back in the chair, one hand hanging down like a dead animal.
We stepped out into the early morning. Cold bit at our fingers as I shoved my sleeve down over her hand and wrapped mine around hers like always.
We didn’t talk, just huddled trying to keep each other warm from the bitter wind that whipped around us.
The streets were weirdly quiet for this time of day.
Usually, the roads were full of SUVs, kids tumbling from the backseats as their backpacks bounced over their shoulders. But this morning it was oddly quiet.
Some bloke smoked outside the betting shop, waiting for it to open as he watched us like we were stray dogs. After a while, Squeeks pulled on my hand, grabbing my attention.
“I don’t want you to get hurt anymore.”
“I’m alright.” Reassuring her with a calm tone and a half smile.
“You’re not. I don’t want to leave you with him.”
I squeezed her hand, “Don’t worry about me; I’ll be fine.” I shifted my eyes down at her. “But remember, as long as I’m around, no one’s touching you. Understand?” She gave a gentle nod before resting her head against my arm.
We reached the school gates before the rest of the kids arrived; the smell of toast filled the air. I lowered myself in front of her, pulling the oversized rucksack higher on her shoulders.
She looked at me, her head tilted, “You should tell someone he did that to you.” I scoffed, forcing a smile.
“We both know how that would go. Social would get involved, and I can’t risk them taking you away from me.” She snaked her arms around my neck, burying her face against me.
“Don’t let them take me.”
The worry in her voice almost broke me. “I would never let that happen. As I said, I’m fine, so no need to tell anyone.
” The guilt hit me hard. She shouldn’t have to live this way; no kid should.
Having to hide the dark truths of our lives behind closed doors.
But that was just it; it was our dark reality.
She pulled back, and I could still see the sadness pooling in her eyes. “Will you come get me after?” Quickly pointing her finger at me before I could get out a word, “On time!”
I couldn’t help but chuckle, flinching slightly from the pain in my cheek. “Alright Mum, but yeah, I’ll be here”. She gave me one more tight squeeze before turning from me and walking towards the door, my eyes catching Mrs Harrison giving me a disgusted glare.
When she disappeared within the classroom, I turned away from the gate, letting out a huff, an audible resistance against going home.
Instead, I wrapped my arms tightly across my chest and wandered in the other direction.
The icy wind hit my face once again, making the bruises sting all over.
I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I wasn’t in the mood to deal with that fucker.
I drifted for a while, past the shops as their shutters flung open, taking in the odd concerned glance from passersby.
Past corners where lads like Danny used to hang around, plastic bags palmed and eyes twitching.
I pulled my hood up and kept my head down, knowing all too well what they were thinking: ‘Shouldn’t he be in school? ’
I’d stopped going. Used to, even tried to do it right. I kept my head down and did the work whenever I could focus for long enough. Squeeks would look up to me like I was doing something big just by walking through those gates.
But school for me… it was just another war zone with uniforms and fire alarms.
There was this kid, Jamie. One of those entitled types, who always wore the most expensive school trainers and slicked his hair back with a ridiculous amount of gel.
His dad was a big-shot board member for the school, and his mum, well, she was plastic fantastic.
I think if you held a lighter to her, she’d go up in seconds.
I, however, looked like I’d just rolled out of bed 10 minutes prior.
I endured a daily dressing down from the head teacher, who would tell me to tuck in my shirt or scrub my hands, after I created endless doodles during science class instead of falling asleep.
I probably brought it on myself, sticking out like a sore, grubby thumb compared to the others.
But in all honesty, I didn’t give a shit how I looked; I fucking hated school.
During lunch, he would shout things at me such as, “You stink like piss, Screech,” or “I bet your mum gives discounts behind the bins.” Always saying it loud enough so the others could laugh at my expense.
I bit my tongue for weeks, God knows how, but I did, just like I did at home.
Pretending it didn’t matter. Pretending I didn’t want to cave his fucking head in with the nearest chair.
But that day, he made the biggest mistake, blurting something out about Squeeks.
I don’t even remember what he said, I can just recall the blinding heat in my chest and something fucking snapping in my brain.
Next thing I knew, the mist had descended, and he was on the floor, screaming.
Blood spilled from him, the lovely shade of crimson decorating his face and clothes.
It didn’t take long for the teachers to arrive and start dragging me off him, my fists still clenched as I fought against them.
That prick was mine, and I was going to finish him. No one says shit about my sister.
Makes me laugh thinking about it now; his face was a mess. Three nights in hospital, a broken nose and cheekbone. One of his teeth flew out of his face, I remember that clearly. It landed by the side of my shoe. The head called it ‘unprovoked violence’.
It didn’t matter that Jamie had been taunting me for months, didn’t matter how long I’d kept it bottled.
One heated phone call from his well-connected parents, and I was some feral fucking dog that needed putting down.
They didn’t see the bruises I wore under my uniform, didn’t know what it took to get there some mornings.
They never asked, but why would they? I was just another lowlife who wouldn’t amount to anything. Guess they were right.
Mum didn’t show up for the school meeting. Danny sent some scabby mate of his to pretend he gave a toss. The whole thing lasted twenty minutes, threatening me with police involvement if I didn’t leave quietly. So, I got expelled, and that was it. Done.
No second chance or understanding, just a file with my name on it that said violent and troubled.
I still think about Jamie sometimes, wonder if he ever tells that story to his mates, but on the flip side, where he handed my ass to me, putting me in the hospital. Wouldn’t put it past him, the daft prick.