CHAPTER 13
There was something about turning eighteen that didn’t sit right with me. Not because of the number. Not even because of the label people threw around, you are a man now. It was the way people started looking at me, as if I were something worth having. Something they could get their hands on.
Girls, mostly. Wide-eyed ones who giggled when I looked in their direction. Older ones who liked the bite in my voice and the silence behind my stare. But they didn’t know what my hands had done, or where they’d been.
Didn’t know that my smiles were sharpened things, shaped like weapons, not warmth.
Didn’t know that the longer I stayed in a room, the heavier it got.
It was like something invisible was bleeding into the air.
But they liked it like moths to a fucking flame.
I’d play along when it suited me; I am human after all.
I’d glance up, tilt my head just enough, giving that calculated half-smirk that made them think I might be sweet under it all.
The broken boy who’d seen too much. Some of them stuck around, thinking they’d fix me, that they were the ones who could find the soft centre and tame the wild thing.
Those were the ones I pushed hardest. Until they ran of course, didn’t take much. They were hardly a challenge.
When I wasn’t fucking around, I’d spend a lot of my time asking around the area, hoping to hear some information regarding Chester's whereabouts. The bar he worked in refused to answer my questions, ushering me out the door when I couldn’t contain my growing irritation.
He had never really mentioned any friends, and his family were strangers to him.
I was starting to resent the fucker for vanishing on us.
Or had we somehow concocted an imaginary friend, and Chester didn’t even exist.
Danny had started noticing a change in me, a twisted darkness that he couldn’t quite understand.
He started watching me, not with suspicion, but curiosity.
At times when the voice would whisper around my mind, he would call me out from my tormented daydreams. His eyes narrowing as he caught the devilish grin on my face.
I wasn’t the only one who was changing. Danny had somehow got his dirty fucking claws into Squeeks, rucksack tightly tucked onto her shoulder, and a shifty look in her eye.
When questioned, she would tell me she was hanging out with friends.
Seriously?
Did she think I was stupid?
I’d been in her shoes, far too often for her to believe she could get away with telling me anything other than making drop-offs for Danny.
I’d caught her in the alley behind the house, smoking something stronger than just a cigarette. “Squeeks,” I said, calling to her with a firm voice. She froze in place, eyes instantly widening as she turned to me. Her smile was all too fake as she hid the smoke behind her back.
“Hey, bro,” sounding casual like I hadn’t just caught her doing something she shouldn’t be.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“I was just,” she flicked the end of the joint away too fast, like it could undo what I’d already seen. My eyes followed its path as it fell to the floor. “Just helping out.”
“With what?” I said, stepping into her space.
Her gaze dropped to the floor, scuffing her foot against the dirt. “Stuff.”
“Danny’s stuff?” My voice rose in my annoyance. She didn’t answer, just wrapped her arms around herself, like she was cold.
I let out a huff, shaking my head at her, “You’re not part of that world Squeeks. Stop trying to act like you are. It doesn’t suit you.” She met my eyes, and for a moment, I saw Danny pulling the strings behind them. A dangerous reflection of my younger self staring right back at me.
“Maybe I don’t have a choice,” her tone spitting as I began dragging her back to the house. “Anyway, why do you care? You did it?” yanking her arm free from my grip.
“Oh, so you wanna be like them now?” pointing into the house. “I'm trying to keep you safe. You're just a kid, Squeeks.”
She cocked her hip, narrowing her eyes at me. “I’m twelve. Older than you when you started—”
“That’s not a fucking credential, Squeeks,” I hissed, closing the distance between us. “Fine, you wanna do this. Then go for it. Be my fucking guest. But don’t come crying to me when some guy decides to take things too far. You will have a fucking target on your back if you don’t watch yourself.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means, little sister. That you’re a pretty girl.
They won't care how old you are or if you don’t want to.
They will take and not think twice about you.
I think you forget all the times I came back covered in blood and bruises from people thinking they can take from me, because I was just a kid. ”
I wanted to scare her. Make her realise the choices she was making would end badly.
“Fuck you Screech,” She spat.
She knew I was right, only she hadn’t seen the dark side of this life. Not really, I'd tried my best to shield her from it. Maybe it was time for her to witness what happens when Danny doesn’t get what he wants.
Biting down on my bottom lip, I shook my head, “Go on then. What's he got you doin'?”
She hesitated, tilting her chin. “Me and a couple of mates run his shit downtown; I go with Mum sometimes.” Her lip curled like her actions were something to be proud of.
“What?!”
“Oh, don’t act so butthurt, Ty. I’m fine.”
“You’re fucking delusional. Good luck sis, you're gonna need it.” I turned from her entering the house, with only the sound of Mum arguing with Danny filling the silence between us.
Stepping out from the kitchen, my eyes landed on the angry shadows that danced against the sickly lamp light bleeding from Danny’s room, their voices rising ever higher as they hacked each other apart with insults.
My feet anchored in place, and knuckles blanched as I battled myself, wanting to burst in there, rip him apart for daring to involve Squeeks, shake my mum until something rattled in her skull, for exposing us to this shit, allowing this to happen and continue to happen in the first place.
What good would it do? My voice would vanish under theirs like it always did.
Then the realisation seeped in. It had all been pointless.
Every time I stood between her and them, every blow I took so she’d never have to, every stupid, desperate attempt to shield her from what was coming, telling myself she’d never become a part of this world…
all for nothing. She saw everything they did to me, every ugly moment, and she still stepped toward it.
Standing alone in the flickering half-light, the truth settled in my chest like a dead weight. The rot I’d been holding back had finally found its way into everything, into her, leaving me questioning if I ever protected her at all.
I stared at the cracked mirror, taking in my reflection.
My fingers running through my hair, a half-arsed attempt to make myself look somewhat reasonable.
My eyes were bloodshot from the joys of zero sleep.
The shadows under my eyes had settled in like they paid rent.
I looked older; my childish softness had long since disappeared beneath the lean muscle I had grown into.
A sharp jaw and a stare that made girls blush could never undo the shit etched into my bones.
My nineteenth birthday was yet another sorry excuse for a party. Both of them fucked off their faces, and Squeeks dipping in and out like some fucking Uber service as cars rolled past the house.
I pulled on my black denim jacket, worn thin at the elbows, and took one last glance before opening the door. I really couldn’t be fucked to deal with their bullshit. So, drowning my ass in whatever I could find sounded like my best option.
Downstairs, the music thudded low and mean, some bass-heavy anthem for idiots who thought they were gods.
Danny was already loud, chanting like he owned the night as his chums packed the house.
Mum handed me a bottle as soon as she saw me, no words between us, just her draping her drunken body against me before dancing off into the arms of some other sleaze ball.
I grabbed it from her hand and headed straight out the back door, ignoring people who called my name, acting like they still knew me.
I lit a cigarette on the back step, cupping the flame against the wind as it illuminated my face for a split second.
Lolling my head back, I took in the cold air as smoke trickled from my lips, eyes lazily shut, wishing away the other voices surrounding me.
It wasn’t long before I felt a presence beside me.
Opening one eye, I glanced to my side. A girl, tall but obviously underage.
Her face was plastered in makeup, and her overly sweet perfume was spilling from her like she’d just taken a bath in the stuff.
“You always sit in the dark, or are you avoiding someone?”
My eyes remained forward, looking into the darkness of the garden. “Depends, who’s askin'?”
A smirk quickly formed on her face, “You got plans tonight?” she asked, stepping in closer.
“Yeah, drink until I can no longer stand straight, might even wreck someone else in the process. If I’m lucky,” She blinked, taken aback, like she didn’t know if it was a pickup line or a threat. I took another long drag on my cigarette before flicking the butt into the dark.
“That’s a bit deep.” Crossing her arms against the chill of the night.
I chuckled, “That’s what she said.” Then I saw the shift, it’s so fucking obvious. The slight change in the light in her eye, as if she might get a chance with me. Sorry love, I don’t do kids.
“Is that your way of saying you were hoping I’d come over? We could talk if you want.”
“If I’m hoping for anything tonight, it wouldn’t be something as tame as a conversation.”
She let out this annoying cackle, telling me she didn’t really understand the intent behind my words. “Careful. That almost sounded like a threat.”