Sebastian
SEBASTIAN
I t’s been hell ignoring Austin all week. But it’s the right thing to do.
After the party, my dad called and told me I’d be starting work at the company the day after graduation – no arguments. Either that, or I was cut off, completely.
I throw my bag down at the end of the bed and think about turning the PS5 on, but I don’t have the energy. Somehow, a game is even more draining when we’re un-coordinated and end on a draw.
The doorbell rings as I open my email up on my phone.
I see an email from the Vancouver Canucks as I get up to ask who it is.
I freeze.
Whoever’s there rings the bell again.
“Yeah?”
“It’s me, Austin.”
Fuck.
“Seb? You there?”
“Yeah, uh, come up.”
I lock the screen and throw my phone on the bed. Fuck. One shit show at a time. I’ll deal with Austin then… what? Is it better to just delete the email without checking to see if I got the internship? No way. I’d be curious for the rest of my life. But what if I get it and have to turn it down? Won’t I be bitter about having to turn down something I want to do? And if I don’t get it? Then I guess I can go into the job at my dad’s company with the knowledge that I couldn’t do better anyway.
I open the door and the second I see Austin standing there, still dressed in his game day suit, my resolve to let him go starts to dissolve.
“Hey, listen, I know maybe you don’t wanna talk to me right now, but-”
“Come in.”
He steps inside and closes the door behind him, glancing at the bed before flushing and looking away.
“Has something happened?”
“I got invited to a rookie camp, in Boston. And my agent just called, I guess they’re getting ready to sign me next season.”
I feel an easy smile spread across my face. “I’m not surprised. What did your mom say?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “I haven’t told her yet.”
“I’m the first person you’ve told?”
“Well, Coach knows obviously… she’s coming down for the game tomorrow so I’ll tell her then.”
“She’ll be over the moon.”
He nods, smiling, but not beaming like I thought he would be.
“I’m happy for you Austin.”
“Thanks,” he drops his eyes. “What about you?”
“What about me?”
“Have you heard back from the internship yet?”
“Oh, that… I’m not going to take it even if I get accepted.”
I wait for him to argue, but he just nods. “I’m sorry about getting you in trouble with your dad,” he says. “At the party, you were right.”
“I was?”
He nods. “We can’t keep ignoring each other Seb,” he says, the way he uses my name like that makes something contract in my chest. “We need to work as a team again.”
He’s worried about the team – of course.
“I know, we will. Don’t worry. We’ll get Providence back tomorrow night.”
He nods.
“Seb I-”
“Let’s not talk about it.”
A muscle in his jaw ticks and I’ve never seen anyone frown so deeply. I have to fight with every fiber of my being against the instinct to cross the room and kiss him. Ask him to put his arms around me so I can feel like someone Austin Donoghue could maybe care about.
“The team’s the most important thing, let’s just focus on that right now,” I say.
I’m sure he’s gritting his teeth as he nods.
“I’ll leave you to it then.”
He looks like he’s hesitating, waiting for me to ask him to stay. It takes everything in me not to beg him to forgive me and come to bed.
“Yeah, okay.”
Just before he leaves, he takes a big breath and squares his shoulders before turning around. “Seb, if you get the internship, which I think you will, I think you should consider taking it. It’s your decision obviously, I just… I think you’ll regret it later if you don’t.”
I wait until he’s gone before I flop down on the bed and open my email again, hovering over it before clicking open.
Dear Huntington III,
We are delighted to inform you that you have been accepted onto the Vancouver Canucks’ Summer Internship program for graduates starting 01 July…
Well fuck.
We have a quick warm-up skate before the game. Catching Austin’s eye as I walk into the locker room, he gives me a friendly nod without pausing his conversation with Gray. Somehow, him treating me like I’m just one of the guys hurts more than us ignoring each other. At least when he was brooding I could flatter myself that it was over me.
That little olive branch Austin offered yesterday seems to work, and we’re a little more in synch than we have been since the party.
Coach grabs me after and asks to see me in his office.
“Am I in trouble Coach?”
He laughs. “No, not at all, I just wanted to let you know the people from the internship got in touch for a reference.”
“Oh?”
“I gave them a good one.”
“Thank you Sir.”
“I know it hasn’t been easy for you transferring here so late, but you’ve been a great addition to the team.”
Shit. All this praise without the expectation of a blow-job after feels unfamiliar. Or is he expecting a blow-job? No, not Coach. He’s one of the good guys.
“So?”
“Yes Coach?”
“Did they get back to you yet? They said they were making their decisions this week.”
“Oh, uh, not yet.”
“Oh.” He sinks into his chair. Does he know I’m lying? “Well, as soon as you hear, let me know.”
“Yes Coach.”
“Have you thought anymore about if you’ll accept it? You said last time we spoke you had a job lined up with your dad’s company.”
“Oh… yeah, well, he expects me to start the day after graduation…”
Coach’s eyebrows shoot up.
“But I don’t know.”
“It’s your life , your decision, not mine or your father’s.”
When we skate out onto the ice later that evening, Austin is on top form and I imagine knowing someone who has had his back from the beginning is out there in the crowd, cheering him on, has lit a fire in his belly.
I look out at the faces in the stands and don’t recognize anyone, until a tiny woman in a huge Boston jersey starts waving at me. I wave back at Lisa and she pumps her fist in the air.
Austin skates in beside me and pats me on the back before getting into position for the opening face-off.
This is our last game before the winter break and Austin will be going home to Jersey to spend Christmas with his big family, knowing he’ll be signing to the NHL after graduation. I realize something while I watch him take the face-off against Providence’s first-line center-forward – I’m not jealous, I’m just happy for him.
I play that first period like my life depends on it, trying to make it a win for him.
Austin scores the first goal and I celebrate like it was my own, even though it came from an assist from Gray.
We come out of the first period 1-0 up, and when we go out in the second, Austin is a league above every other man on the ice. He scores two goals in quick succession – a shot from the right face-off circle that happens so fast, Providence’s heads are spinning, and a tap-in from right in front of the goal.
We walk away from the game with a 5-1 win after conceding a late goal in the third period, but no one - except maybe Olivetti - care about that last goal.
Austin is so pumped, he seems to have forgotten everything that’s happened in the past few weeks. When I try to make my own way out of the rink after we’re all changed and finished celebrating, he grabs me and asks me where I think I’m going.
He’s with Gray and I want to ask him what the hell he’s doing.
“You’re not going without saying hey to my ma, she’ll kill us both.”
Gray laughs.
“Do you know Austin’s mom too?” I ask.
“Only from a few games, Lisa’s cool.”
I hesitate, but Austin looks so happy, and he’s waiting for an answer. It’s hell being around him and not being able to have him. But it’s impossible to stay away. I force a shrug. “I do owe her a few beers.”
“That’s the spirit Hunty.” Gray slaps me on the back. Did he just call me something other than Yale? I look to Austin and he’s looking at me like he’s thinking the same thing.
Lisa is waiting for us by her little Honda. Her coat covering the jersey she was wearing at the game.
Her face lights up when she sees Austin. He walks ahead of us to give her a hug and Gray mutters, “isn’t she a MILF?”
I keep my mouth shut.
“Oh shit, I forgot, you wouldn’t know.”
“Why wouldn’t I know?”
“Because, you’re gay right?”
We’ve reached Austin and Lisa now and Austin flushes and I’m sure Lisa has pretended she didn’t hear what Gray just said.
“Hey Seb, it’s good to see you again.”
She gives me a hug. Her puffy coat is like a big pillow and I could happily disappear inside it and never come out.
I grit my teeth when she gives Gray a hug, calling him Justin, which no one does. A little smile is in the corner of his lips and I feel protective over her, like she’s my mom.
“Are you guys coming to dinner with us?” she asks.
“Sure.” Gray beams.
I pull Austin aside. “You know he called Lisa a MILF?”
He laughs. “Calm down,” he pats my shoulder. “But thanks for the heads up.”
When we get to the bar, Austin makes sure Gray isn’t sitting next to or in front of his mom in the booth we take in a quiet corner. We decide on burgers and a pitcher of beer, which I insist on paying for. Gray doesn’t argue, but Lisa tries.
“I owe you one,” I remind her.
I sure as fuck don’t owe Gray anything, but whatever.
“Let’s leave these two to catch up.” I drag Gray to the bar with me.
While we’re waiting for our beer, Gray leans in and says, “man, I wish my mom was as cool as her.”
“Didn’t you just say she was hot?”
“She is.”
“You know I’m not blind right? I can tell she’s beautiful too. Just because I’m gay-”
He holds his hands up. “Sorry man, I didn’t mean to offend you.”
“You didn’t offend me.”
“You know no one gives a shit about you being gay right, that’s not why-” he trails off, rubbing the back of his neck while his ears turn pink.
“Not why you all hate me?”
He laughs awkwardly and before he can protest, the bartender puts our pitcher down and Gray carries it back to the table while I get the glasses.
“It’s fine,” I tell him. “I’m used to people hating me.”
Before he can say anything, we’ve reached the table. I put the glasses down and Austin starts pouring us all a beer.
Lisa makes a toast to the team and we all drink.
“I have news too,” Austin says.
I can feel my face splitting into a smile at what he’s about to say, but my heart is sinking too.
“Boston have been in touch with my agent-.”
Lisa actually squeals. It’s not a noise I’d ever expect from her, but if it were ever warranted, now is the time. She puts her hands over her mouth, her eyes wide, and Austin laughs.
“I’m so proud of you!”
“Yeah man, that’s cool, we knew you’d do it.” Gray says around his beer.
While Lisa hugs Austin, I feel myself slide into the background.
The food arrives and we all dig in. It’s nice seeing Lisa and Austin next to each other, eating and catching up. We finish off the pitcher and I go up to get another. Lisa follows.
“You’re not paying for this one,” she says, opening her purse.
“I’m not, my dad is.”
I flash the platinum AMEX, but Lisa just rolls her eyes.
“Put your money away kid, it’s no good here.”
She catches the attention of the student bartender right away and he walks over with a cocky smile, though I can see he’s actually nervous when he asks her what she wants to drink. I lean in and whisper, “he’s totally into you.”
She throws her head back and laughs. “He’s younger than Austin.”
I shrug. “So what.”
“What about you?” She nudges my leg with her hip.
“What about me?”
“You’re not seeing anyone?”
“You’re not my type.”
She slaps my arm. “Cheeky.”
“No, I’m not seeing anyone. What about you?”
She shakes her head.
“You could you know, you’re a total fox.”
She blows a raspberry. “Please, I’m far too busy and important for men.”
“I think Austin would kill whoever you brought home.”
“He’s very protective, but he doesn’t have to worry, I can take care of myself.”
“I think that’s pretty obvious.”
She smiles at me and squints her eyes, like she’s seeing something I hadn’t meant to share.
“He’s protective over you too.”
“Me?” I look away, my face getting hot. “I don’t think so.”
The bartender brings our beers over and I move to grab the pitcher, but Lisa puts a hand on my arm. She’s surprisingly strong.
“You’re a good guy Seb, don’t ever let anyone tell you different.”
My breath catches in my chest, and before I can say anything, she’s grabbed the pitcher from me and is carrying it back to the table.
“Man, you let Lisa carry the pitcher?” Gray says when I get back.
“Huh?”
Austin gives me a look, one of our secret signals I’d almost forgotten existed, asking me what’s wrong.
He follows me into the bathroom and before he can say anything, I make a joke about leaving Gray with his mom.
“He’s annoying, but he’s not a predator.”
Austin unzips his fly and stands a couple of urinals away.
“Everything alright?”
“Yeah, fine. Your mom seems really happy.”
He nods and I don’t think he’s going to respond when he says, “she was asking about you, when you were at the bar with Gray.”
I think about making a joke. Telling him I already told her she’s not my type, but I can’t. Jokes just don’t cut it anymore with him.
“What was she saying?”
“She was just asking me what you were doing after graduation. I told her you’d applied for an internship in Vancouver.”
“I got it.”
He turns to face me then realizes he’s got his dick out and fixes himself. “That’s… let me wash my hands.”
I zip up and follow him to the sink, our eyes meeting in the mirror.
“I’m happy for you Seb.”
“I can’t do it.”
“Why not?”
“You know why not.”
He takes a step closer and puts his hands on my face and just looks at me with that stupid intensity that makes me melt. He pulls me in by the neck and puts his arms around me, squeezing gently. It feels like I’m being bundled up and… protected. That familiar smell assaults my nostrils and the warmth of his body cocoons me, and I never want him to let go.
The door opens and we break apart. The guy who came in looks like he’s pretending he didn’t see anything.