Austin
AUSTIN
W hile I sit next to my ma in the booth, I can’t stop looking over at Seb, thinking about what it felt like to put my arms around him again. His smell in my nose. Fuck I miss him.
When we finish the second pitcher, Gray and Seb leave us to catch up. Ma only had one beer and drives us back to her hotel. She drives slow on the quiet college roads. The radio crackly on the only local country station before it cuts out completely.
“Did I tell you how proud I am of you?” She says.
“Only like a million times.”
She laughs. “Well, get used to it, because I’m never gonna stop.”
“Okay.”
“Hey, you know what I’m most proud of you for right?” She flips the indicator to turn right and the little click click fills the silence. “It’s not getting drafted or being captain or winning awards, I’m most proud of you for the person you are.”
I swallow. Fuck, why do I feel like I’m gonna cry?
“You were always a good kid, but I’m still amazed by the kind, honest man you’ve become. So just keep being him, and no matter what happens, I’ll be proud of you.”
I clench my jaw to stop from crying. Ma asks me what’s wrong. I shake my head.
“Is it Seb?”
“What?”
She pulls the car over onto the side of the road and takes her seatbelt off to face me.
“I knew when you brought him home that there was… something. You know I’m proud of you , you can talk to me about anything. You don’t have to have any secrets-”
“We were… together.”
She slow nods. “ Were ? What happened?”
“We’re not… right for each other.
“Why not? Because he’s rich?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
“I thought you wanted me to be with Alyssa?”
“I want you to be with whoever makes you happy. If that’s Seb, then I want you to be with him.”
“Doesn’t it bother you?”
“Doesn’t what bother me?”
“That he’s, you know, a guy?”
She laughs and reaches out to brush my hair with her fingers. “No, it doesn’t bother me that he’s a guy, does it bother you?”
I swallow. She called me honest, so I should be. “A little.”
“Are you worried what the guys on the team will think?”
“Yeah.”
She drops her eyes. “Fuck them.” She’s smiling when she looks up. “You know the NHL are trying to be more inclusive-”
“I know that, I know it’s technically fine, and if it was just simple between us, I wouldn’t even hesitate. I’m not a chump, I wouldn’t let people bully me out of being with who I wanna be with.”
“So the only problem is that he’s rich? , that’s ridiculous.”
“It’s not Ma, you should have seen his house, his family…” My face gets red at the memory of his dad walking in on Seb blowing me.
“He’s not his family.”
“You’ve seen him wave his dad’s AMEX around. He’s going to work for him the day after graduation. He’s giving up an internship with the Canucks to make easy money with the guy.”
She looks down and brushes her hand over her jeans. “I think he’s a scared boy who doesn’t think he deserves to be loved.”
A lump forms in my throat at hearing my ma of all people talk about Seb that way.
“I think he’s doing what he’s told by the person who’s had authority over him his whole life, and maybe he doesn’t think he needs or wants his approval, but really he does, and I don’t think he believes in himself very much.”
I mutter under my breath, “ fuck.”
Ma squeezes my arm. “I think having someone like you believe in him probably made him feel pretty good.”
“He pushed me away Ma.”
“Hurt kids do that. Before you can push them away.”
I let my head fall back against the chair. “What the fuck should I do?”
“Do you love him?”
I swallow the lump that’s become a fucking rock in my throat and nod.
“He’s annoying as shit, but yeah, I love him.”
When I look at Ma, she’s grinning like a loon.
“He’s handsome,” she says.
I groan and cover my face.
“When you guys do that surrogate thing, I want one of each.”
“One of each of what?”
“Grandbabies.”
“Oh my god, just drive before I get out.”
She chuckles to herself as she puts her seatbelt back on and turns the ignition. “A blond and a brunette-”
“Drive!”
By the time I leave Ma at the hotel, it’s late. I go in with her to make sure she’s okay and end up watching Casablanca on the little TV until she kicks me out.
“Are you gonna talk to Seb?”
“Not tonight.”
She raises a warning eyebrow, the one I get when I’m in trouble.
“I will Ma, I promise.”
“Okay.”
I kiss her on the cheek and head home. I can get a bus, but I walk to clear my head. Every part of me is drawn towards Seb’s place. I imagine ringing his doorbell and finishing what we started. The smell of his aftershave still lingering on my hoody. But it’s late. Really late. I’ll see him in practise tomorrow. Even though it’ll be hell to be his linemate and have to wait until we’re alone to say what I need to say.
Gray’s asleep when I get back to our apartment. I slip into bed quietly and try to sleep.
He doesn’t show.
I wait until everyone’s in their pads and jerseys and taping their sticks before I go to speak to Coach.
I can’t make it through an entire practise without knowing where he is.
“Ah, come in, take a seat.”
I stay standing.
“Where’s Seb… Huntington?”
“Sit down ,” Coach says.
I take a seat, my legs like jelly. Has something happened to him?
“He came to me this morning to say he was quitting the team.”
“What? Why would he do that?”
“He says hockey isn’t in his future and his presence on the team is harming the moral.”
Shame washes over me. “I failed as a captain.”
“No you didn’t. I’ve been watching you, you did a good job trying to integrate him into the team, but this is just something that happens sometimes. Transfers don’t always work out.”
“But we were good.”
Coach nods. “This is Sebastian’s decision. He wants to go and work for his father after graduation-”
“No, he doesn’t.” I don’t mean my tone to be as sharp as it is.
Coach widens his eyes.
“Sorry Coach, but you know he got the internship with the Canucks?”
“I thought he would. He’s smart. Great hockey knowledge.”
“Can’t you convince him? Talk to him? He might listen to you.”
“I was going to say the same to you.”
Practise goes by in a blur. I leave the guys in the locker room talking about where they’re going to eat. My stomach is in knots. Eating the last thing on my mind.
I rush over to Seb’s apartment and the second I hear his voice saying, “yeah?” through the intercom, my heart starts to race.
“It’s me, let me up.”
I half expect him to refuse, but the door gives and I race up the stairs to his apartment, trying not to imagine myself in a scene from some movie where the guy’s running to the airport to win back the love of his life.
This is way more likely to end in an argument than a reunion.
He’s standing at the door in sport’s socks, a ratty college t-shirt and boxer shorts. When I get close, I can smell his aftershave and a hint of sweat.
“You can’t quit the team.”
He sighs and turns away from me, walking back into the apartment.
His room’s a mess. Dirty clothes all over the floor. An open pizza box on the table.
“You can’t hide out here forever.”
“I don’t intend to.”
He sits on the bed and runs a hand through his hair.
“Seb.”
“What?”
“Did you hear me?”
“Yes, I can’t quit the team, but I already did so-”
“Coach doesn’t want you to quit.”
“He’ll survive, you guys have the best reserves in the league, Hayes has been playing better and-”
“Shut up.”
I cross the room and kneel between his legs, resting my arms on his bare knees. The heat and smell coming off him reminds me of all the hours we spent naked together in this bed. How easy it was to forget that the world outside existed.
“ I want you on the team.”
He swallows. “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Be nice to me.”
“Why not?”
“Because… you’re hotter when you’re mean.”
“Be serious.”
“I can’t, remember?”
“Yes you can.”
“ Stop it, ” he practically whispers.
“No. I’m not giving up on you.”
He frowns and stares into the space between us.
“You know why? Because you deserve to have someone not give up on you.”
I put my hand on his cheek and after a second’s hesitation, he leans into it. His eyes closed.
“I love you.”
His eyes fly open and he looks at me.
“No you don’t.”
“Yes, I do.”
He looks down and his eyes water. Before he can cover his face, I hold his face still and kiss him. He sniffles. “Fuck you Donoghue, this was your plan all along wasn’t it?”
“Oh yeah, you got me.”
I wipe the tears off his cheeks with my thumbs.
“Will you come back to the team?”
He shakes his head.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to get in the way.”
“You won’t. If we win the championship this year, I want it to be with you.”
“And what if we don’t win because of me?”
“If we don’t win, it won’t be because of you.”
I press my forehead against his, my hands still cupping his face.
“Do you love me?” I ask, my mouth dry.
He frowns. “Why wouldn’t I?”