42. Seth
Seth
We ended up on Kaden’s balcony.
It’s not big, just enough for two chairs, a table and a heating lamp. Kaden’s tuning his guitar and when he’s done, he softly plays the intro to “One Last Breath” by Creed. I’ve heard him play that bit so many times, I could probably pull it off, too.
The subs are eaten and we’re about two beers in when I ask, “Were you that weird art kid in school?”
“Yeah,” he says, plucking the strings. “But I was cool about it.”
I snort. “As they often are.”
“Asshole. What were you? The geek?” He grins. “Did you wear glasses and drop your books in front of the hot jock in the hallway?”
“I did, yeah. And then he fucked me behind the bleachers,” I reply without a beat. The music stops and when I glance at Kaden, his eyebrows are raised.
I laugh. “I’m kidding.”
“Fuck do I know?” He shrugs one shoulder, laughing. “I didn’t lose my virginity until prom night.” He starts playing again. I know this one too, it’s “Yellow Ledbetter” by Pearl Jam.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah.”
“What was her name?”
“Stacy Thomas,” he says, shooting me a smirk.
“Girlfriend?”
“Yeah.”
I turn back around, staring out over the parking lot. There are crickets chirping somewhere, and Kaden mumbles the words as he plays. His voice is like velvet with a slight rasp.
“Who’d you go with?” he says. “To prom.”
I should’ve known that question was coming. I should’ve known better. I slowly blink and shift on my chair.
“I didn’t go,” I mumble, picking at the label on the beer bottle.
“Why not?”
I shrug. “I was supposed to go with Lou, but then she moved away before that, so…” I clear my throat. “Didn’t feel like going alone.”
“You didn’t ask someone else?”
I scratch my nose, then my eyebrow. Everything’s itching as I weigh my words.
“I was the only out gay kid in school, and…” I shrug again. “I don’t know. A bit of loser, I guess. Nobody wanted to mess with that.” I huff a laugh, but it gets caught in my throat.
I pick at the label, crossing and uncrossing my legs, spreading them wide.
“Did you wanna go?” he asks.
Yes. I bite my bottom lip, my leg bouncing on its own.
“I don’t know,” I rush out. “Maybe. I heard it can be pretty lame, though, so…” I shrug again.
“I mean,” he snorts, absentmindedly plucking the strings on the guitar. “I felt kinda lame in my tux, and it wasn’t exactly a dream come true to see my math teacher on the dance floor, but…” He shrugs.
“Yeah.” I try to laugh but I can’t.
I’ve tried so hard not to think about everything back then. That was then, and now is now, and I’m not the same person anymore.
I’ve made sure of it.
High school is tough for everyone. No one’s ever said ‘Damn, I wish I could relive my high school years, it was just a blast’, because it’s not. It’s painful, and awful and a living hell.
To some more than others.
“I would’ve asked you,” Kaden says, pulling me out of my head.
I shake my head. “No, you wouldn’t have.”
“I would.”
I turn to face him, tilting my head to the side. “You wouldn’t even have been in my year.”
“Then you would’ve been the cool dude who brought a college guy to prom.”
“You didn’t go to college,” I chuckle.
He shoots me a look. “They wouldn’t know that.”
And for a split second, I imagine what that would've been like. Taking someone like Kaden to prom. I picture him in a suit, holding my hand as he leads me out on the dance floor—
“Did you dance?” I ask, before I can stop myself.
“Yeah, I mean, it’s prom. You have to dance at prom.”
It’s like a fucking gunshot to my heart. That I missed out on that. Lou and I practiced for months.
I shift on my chair, not knowing what to say and maybe Kaden catches that because he looks at me before he slams a hand over the strings, silencing them and reaches for his phone on the table.
He types something before he puts the phone down and leans the guitar against the house wall and stands.
There’s some music coming from inside his apartment as he reaches a hand out to me.
“Come on.”
“What?” I raise my eyebrows.
“Come.”
I awkwardly take his hand and stand. Feeling confused until he places a hand on the small of my back and pulls me in.
“What is this? A high school movie?” I snort, but I wrap my arms around him. “Fuck, this is cheesy!” I love it.
“Shut up, and dance with me,” he mumbles and rests his chin on my shoulder. I feel the faint beating of his heart against mine and I want to keep it. I take a deep breath. Inhaling him.
“This Pearl Jam?”
“Yeah,” he says, swaying slowly with his arms around me. “Just breathe,” he mumbles.
“What?”
“The song. ‘Just Breathe’.”
I listen to the words, and my throat tightens. I swallow around it, and try to just breathe as I hug him a little tighter.
“Don’t feel sorry for me,” I whisper, so low that I’m not sure he heard it first.
“I don’t,” he says, stroking a hand down my back. “I feel sorry for the fuckers who didn’t ask you to prom. They missed out.”