59. Seth
Seth
It feels like I’m on a boat, one minute the sea’s dragging me down, the next, I’m pushed up by the waves.
I hate everything about this. I hate that I broke down in front of Kaden. That my mask slipped, and he saw every ugly thing I keep hidden. I hate that he feels sorry for me.
And at the same time, I haven’t felt this relived in years. I’m lighter than helium.
I’ve grown into this character—this version of me, and I don’t hate him. But I don’t want to be scared anymore. I don’t want to worry about what people will say, or think about me. I don’t want to be a people-pleaser, but I don’t know how to make it go away.
I just want to be me, but I don’t know how those two versions of me can co-exist. I don’t know how to blend them.
And I’m afraid that if I show people the real me—the softer side of me—they’ll leave. That this wasn’t what they signed up for.
And that’s why I gave Kaden an out. I didn’t want him to have to do it. But he didn’t take it. He’s still here. Even after everything I told him, after what he saw and heard, he’s still here.
“What are you thinking about?”
I turn to look at him. He’s lying on his side on my bed, still fully clothed, watching me. I turn back, facing the ceiling.
“Nothing. I don’t know.”
“Have you slept at all?” he asks.
“A little. You?”
“A few hours, I think.”
We didn’t even get undressed last night. Just went to bed and talked. And I told him more. It was like, as soon as I opened the gates, it just poured out of me. And I thought it would be scary—and it was—but Kaden… He made me feel seen. Made me feel brave.
But now—in the daylight? I’m not so sure anymore.
The mattress dips when he turns around, grabbing his phone from the bedside table.
“I’m so—”
“No,” he cuts me off. “Don’t say that one more time!”
“But—”
“No.”
I apologized to him so many times last night, he eventually told me to shut up. I was so embarrassed, and ashamed, and I felt so fucking flayed open I couldn’t fall asleep.
I don’t want to go to work today, but I don’t want to be alone either. And I have a customer coming in this afternoon, so I guess I have to go.
“I just—”
“If you say sorry one more time, I’m out of here.”
“No, that’s not… I just, I don’t want it to be weird between us, so can you like, forget everything about last night?”
When he doesn’t answer, I turn to look at him. He’s watching me again, darting his eyes between mine before he takes a breath and licks his lips.
“It’s not gonna be weird between us, but I can’t forget what you told me, Seth. I’m not gonna hold it against you, or treat you differently, but I can’t forget it.”
“You promise?”
“I promise.” He moves closer, leaning on his arm and hovers over me. “Can I kiss you?”
“No,” I say, turning my head away.
“No?”
“No, ‘cause that right there, that is you treating me differently. Yesterday, you wouldn’t have asked. You would’ve just done it.”
He grabs my chin, forcing me to look at him.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. Okay? It won’t happen again.”
I shoot him a glare. Searching his eyes, looking for pity or disgust. Wanting to see if he’s changed his mind, or his opinion on me. I don’t find any of that. He’s just looking back at me with those forest green eyes.
“Okay,” I mumble. He leans in, but I put a hand to his face, stopping him. “I have to brush my teeth.”
“No, you don’t, come he—”
I push him away, and get up. He groans behind me but follows me into the bathroom.
I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror, afraid of what I’ll see but I catch my reflection anyway. I’m shocked to realize I look the same as yesterday, before everything. I almost expected to see my skin split open, my organs on full display. Like a roadkill.
I brush my teeth, and I glance at Kaden for a second before I pull out the box in the bathroom drawer, putting everything on the sink.
I glance at him again, searching for some kind of reaction but it doesn’t come.
He’s just brushing his teeth, looking back at me before he spits in the sink, and rinses the toothbrush.
So, I turn the faucet on, bend down, and wash my face. My hands are trembling a little as I apply the moisturizer, and the eye cream. And when I turn around, Kaden looks at me.
“Ready?” he says.
“Yeah.”
He takes a step forward, hooking his arms behind my thighs and lifts me up on the counter, and kisses me. He licks into my mouth, tangling his tongue with mine, and he tastes like mint and salvation.
I place my hands on the back of his head, deepening the kiss. I want it all. I want him. And I want him to still want me, too. In any way I can have him.
He breaks the kiss with a groan, giving me a beard burn as he nuzzles into my cheek. “Fuuuck, your whole face smells like that now.”
He continues nuzzling down my neck, and presses my hips closer to him. “Does lube work in water?” he mumbles against my skin.
“Silicon-based, yeah.”
He pulls back, looking at me. “And that’s what you’ve got?”
“Yeah?”
He takes a step back, pulling his hoodie off. “Then get into the shower.”
I chuckle. “But then I have to do all of that again.” I gesture vaguely at the sink.
“Well,” he grins, unbuttoning his pants. “Then I guess we better call work, let them know we’ll be here for a while.”