Chapter 29 Caitlin
TWENTY-NINE
CAITLIN
Ispread a blanket by the lake’s shore in the same spot where we’d picnicked before.
I smiled, thinking of how our relationship had changed since that day.
The baby complicated everything, but also formed a tighter bond between us.
I loved how much he already loved our baby. I loved how much I loved it, too.
If it weren’t for the obstacles between us, life would be complete bliss. But him promising to spend this evening with me, out of reach of the sheriff’s office, had me feeling hopeful that we could find a way.
I took a book from my bag to entertain myself until Brian arrived. I felt confident that he would. He’d promised, and I believed him.
Fifteen minutes later, he was officially late for our date, but it was no big deal, I told myself.
What was fifteen minutes? Feeling restless, though, I stood and waded in the shallow water right by the shore.
The cool water rose to my calves, and I looked out over the lake to where the sun was slowly sinking in the sky.
If Brian didn’t get here soon, he’d miss the sunset. But there would still be the stars for us to watch together.
Later, when the sun dipped below the horizon and the warmth of the day faded, it seemed to take my hope with it.
I returned to the picnic blanket, trying to decide how long I’d wait for him.
I checked my phone, but with no bars showing, even if he’d sent a message, I wouldn’t receive it.
I felt sure he would come soon, though. He wouldn’t intentionally stand me up, so there must be a good reason why he wasn’t here.
“He’s probably doing something super important, something that makes my hurt feelings seem petty,” I muttered to myself.
But my feelings weren’t insignificant, and although I didn’t blame him for being who he was, I was becoming more convinced I couldn’t do this.
I couldn’t spend a lifetime waiting for him to tear himself away from his top priority so he could come home to me.
Even if I could learn to deal with it myself, I didn’t want to subject my child to always coming second.
Would he miss elementary school plays and seventh grade soccer games?
I had a feeling he would, and that was a kind of disappointment and pain I knew well.
The way my mother and father had treated me as a child was far worse, of course.
Brian would never belittle, neglect, or manipulate as my parents had done, but he’d make promises that he wouldn’t keep.
Already, he’d coaxed me out of my shell only to disappoint me.
Not out of cruelty or indifference but because someone else would always need him more.
All the while, he’d claim our baby and I were important to him.
I looked around at the deserted park and felt so alone in my heart.
When the stars were bright overhead, I folded up the blanket and gathered our uneaten dinner.
My movements were deliberate and methodical as I tried to bring order to my mind.
I needed to make decisions about my future, and I couldn’t put them off much longer.
After packing the items in my car, I headed toward town, driving carefully as I worked out the truth of my situation.
Brian was an amazing man. I’d probably never meet his equal.
But when push came to shove, he wouldn’t be there for me the way I needed him to be.
His commitment to the town would come first, and I couldn’t live like that.
Maybe that did make me selfish as my mother had called me a thousand times over.
But, dammit, I needed someone in my life who I could rely on completely.
“Okay, then,” I said as I took the last turn that would lead me to town. “Back to Austin for me, and we’ll figure out some way to share custody of the baby.” It broke my heart to even think that, but there was no other way.
Unless he agreed to come with me. It was a hope I almost didn’t dare to imagine, but what if he’d leave it all behind for me?
In a new place, he might be able to start fresh with a better balance between work and home.
If nothing else, it would show he was willing to try.
I had to ask him. I couldn’t leave here without doing that.
If he said he couldn’t come with me, then I’d go alone.
It’d be lonely without him, so painfully lonely, but I also couldn’t share him with an entire town.
Not when it seemed like he loved the town more than me and our unborn child.
On the seat next to me, my phone lit up with a series of text messages. I didn’t bother to grab it but waited until I was back at Brian’s house to read them. Whatever his explanation was, it could wait a few more minutes.
I let myself into the dark house and dropped the picnic supplies onto the kitchen table before sitting down to look at the messages. They were all from Brian, the first one at 6:45 and the last one just a few minutes ago. I read each one in order.
Sue Everly went into labor at her home. Taking her to the hospital. No time for the ambulance.
Just got to the hospital. Waiting with Sue until her husband arrives. Of course, he would do that because that was who Brian was.
Husband is still an hour away. Sorry, sweetheart.
I hope you’re not still at the lake by yourself. I’m so sorry.
If you get this, be careful driving back into town.
Text me when you get home, so I know you’re safe.
Leaving the hospital now. Be home soon.
I sighed and put the phone down on the table. I hoped Sue and her baby were well and that her husband got to the hospital in time for the birth.
And how could I be upset with Brian for missing our date in that situation? I couldn’t, of course. But that didn’t relieve the worries about my relationship.
Headlights swept across the front of the house and a minute later I heard the front door open.
“Caitlin?” Brian called.
“In here,” I said. As soon as he reached me, he pulled me into a hug.
“I’m so sorry. Did you wait long for me?” He kissed the top of my head. It felt so good to lean into his strength, but I couldn’t rely on that or him. Not with the way things were.
“I got back a few minutes ago,” I said, disentangling myself from him. “I just finished reading your messages. I’m glad you were there for Sue.”
“So you’re not mad at me?” He was watching my face closely.
“No, I’m not mad. If anything, your actions were exactly what I’d expect from you.” He was a true servant to the people, willing to give anything of himself to help others. I was strangely proud of him, not that it changed anything between us.
“All I did was drive and then hold her hand at the hospital,” he said, as if it had been nothing.
“Was the baby delivered safely?” I asked.
He nodded. “About five minutes after Sue’s husband arrived. A healthy boy. Sue’s blood pressure was high, but the doctor said that she came through okay as well.”
“That’s good.” I had no idea how to transition to what I needed to say, so I just hoped the words would come out coherently.
“Brian, I made a decision while I was out at the lake. A decision that affects both of us. I’m going to move back to Austin as soon as I can and work with Melody to open our tattoo parlor. ”
His mouth dropped open, and his hands moved onto my shoulders as if he needed to steady himself. I knew that I’d shocked him, but it was best to be blunt.
“Was it because I wasn’t able to make it tonight?” he asked. “That won’t happen again. I swear. Please, Caitlin, don’t leave. Give me another chance.”
I gave him a tired smile. “I’m proud of who you are and what you do. You may have saved Sue and her baby’s lives tonight, but I can’t stay here and know that whenever something comes up, others will always come before me.”
“That’s not what happened. It’s just that I’m sworn to protect the people of Poplar Springs. That’s the job,” he said.
“I’m not asking you to ignore people in need. But Brian, did you even try to find someone else to drive Sue to the hospital?”
“I…” he started to say, then trailed off.
I smiled as gently as I could. “You saw someone in need, and you sprang into action to help. I know that’s the way you are.
But it means that the demands on you and your time are constant.
If you trusted someone else on your team to handle the calls and take care of people, it might be different.
But you believe that it has to be you every time.
” I stopped, almost afraid to go on, but I forced myself.
“The baby and I can’t come second, but that’s exactly what we’d be if we stayed here.
That’s why I’d like you to move to Austin with me. We could start a life together there.”
He jumped as if I’d hit him with an electric shock. “I can’t—”
“I’m not asking you to decide right now.” I cut him off before he could refuse me. “I just want you to think about it. That’s all. Poplar Springs would survive without you.”
Brian sank down on a chair and dropped his head in his hands for a minute before looking up at me. “I can’t leave here. If I resign as sheriff, it’ll result in tragedy.”
“Brian,” I said carefully, “not even you can prevent tragedy.” Where was he going with this? He seemed burdened by something terrible.
“I could have, but I wasn’t in a position to do it.” His tone was sorrowful, heartbreaking.
“What are you talking about?” I sat next to him and put my arm around his shoulders.
“My dad and Luke,” he said after a minute. “It’s my fault they’re dead.”
“That can’t be,” I said instantly. “You weren’t the one driving. In fact, you weren’t even working that night.” At least, that’s what I’d been told. Had he been scheduled to work?
“Right, it was my day off.” He turned his face to me. “I was the newest deputy; I should’ve been on the clock. Instead, I went hunting.”
“Brian, you couldn’t have known there would be an accident with fatalities. And how exactly would you have stopped your brother from getting behind the wheel drunk? You weren’t with them.”
Brian had always wanted to go into law enforcement.
In high school, he’d interned at the sheriff’s station every summer, learning the ropes under Sheriff Holmes.
He’d decided to go to college to get more education and training under his belt before officially beginning his work for the sheriff’s department and had graduated early from the University of Texas with a degree in criminal justice.
He’d mapped out the direction he wanted his life to take while I was plotting ways to escape.
“Holmes had appointed Ike Sigsworth chief deputy with the intent that he’d become sheriff when he retired, so he was assigning more and more duties to him. Ike was a sorry excuse for a public servant. Everything became lax, and people got away with things they shouldn’t have.”
I had no knowledge of that since I hadn’t been in town, but I wasn’t connecting the dots in what he was trying to tell me. “What does that have to do with the accident?”
“Luke was a reckless driver, always going too fast and taking chances he shouldn’t have.
He would throw back a pitcher of beer and get behind the wheel without a thought to his safety or anyone else’s.
Ike was his friend, which meant that Luke got a free pass when it came to what he referred to as ‘minor infractions.’ My brother had zero repercussions for his bad behavior, so he didn’t stop. ” His voice cracked on the last words.
I started to shake my head and forced myself to stop. Even though I knew deep in my heart that Brian was wrong about this, I couldn’t force him to see that.
“You think the accident is your fault because if you had been a more established deputy and on duty, you could have prevented Luke from being reckless? If he wouldn’t listen to you before, what makes you think he would have listened to you if you’d had more authority?”
I remembered Luke well enough. Everyone saw him as the golden boy who could do no wrong.
As a result, he’d been arrogant. And it was highly unlikely that he would have toned his behavior down just because his little brother told him to.
If anything, he probably would’ve taken offense to Brian daring to tell him what to do.
“If I had been on duty, I might’ve seen my brother behind the wheel and stopped him.
If I had been the chief deputy or sheriff, I could have done more,” Brian insisted “If I hadn’t gone to college, if I’d joined the sheriff’s department right away, I could have found ways to rein my brother in.
He and my dad might still be alive. That’s why…
that’s why I can’t trust anyone else to do the job.
It has to be me. Do you understand now why I can’t leave? ”
I kissed his temple, unable to find any words of comfort that might help him.
His belief wasn’t rational, but it was forged in profound grief.
Until he realized that he wasn’t responsible for his brother’s actions, he’d stay bound to this town and his job.
And nothing I could say or do would change that.