Chapter 30 Brian
THIRTY
brIAN
Istared blindly at the paperwork I’d been shuffling around on my desk.
It had been two days since my late-night discussion with Caitlin in my kitchen.
That very night, she’d moved back into the guest room instead of sharing my bed any longer.
Logically, I understood why. We both needed the space to think things through.
All the same, though, it hurt more than I’d expected and we’d skirted around each other since.
Her, because she was waiting for me to make my decision. Me, because I didn’t want to say the words that would send her away for good. She was determined to leave and it wasn’t possible for me to go with her. We were at a stalemate.
I reached for the files and finished signing off on all the post-rodeo reports, then read through the other files Sofia had left on my desk, but my vision was swimming, and I couldn’t focus.
I heard Mack and Parsons come in and I hoped that neither of them wanted to speak with me right now because I couldn’t guarantee how I’d respond.
I’d yelled at Mack yesterday for yet another over exuberant traffic stop, and Sofia had waited until the other deputies left before pointing out how much of an asshole I’d been to him.
She was right and I hadn’t argued about it, which had surprised her. What excuse could I have offered? My personal life was crumbling around me and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
Even if nothing could fix things between Caitlin and me, I still wanted to see her.
I rubbed my head in irritation and reached for my now empty coffee cup.
How much coffee had I already consumed this morning?
Another cup wouldn’t help; I needed to eat.
So, I grabbed my hat and walked across the street to Bite and Brew for lunch.
I’d sit in Caitlin’s section, as always.
She’d wait on me, smile, maybe flirt a little.
I needed that from her for as long as I could have it without having to contemplate “what then.”
“Hey, Sheriff,” Aurora greeted me. “Usual table?”
“Please,” I said and walked to a booth that faced out onto the street.
“Brian,” Caitlin said, coming up to the table with her note pad in her hand. Her smile was in place, but I detected tension in the way she carried herself. Her shoulders were tight and there were lines and dark circles around her eyes that she’d tried to cover up with makeup.
When I saw her, I couldn’t keep pretending that things were okay between us. I had to tell her now that I couldn’t leave my job or Poplar Springs.
“You’ve decided, haven’t you.” Caitlin didn’t frame it as a question. She didn’t have to.
I nodded, but I didn’t want this to play out in the diner. “Let’s go talk.”
I saw Caitlin shoot Aurora a glance before she led me through the kitchen and out to the parking lot in the back.
“You’re not going with me, are you,” Caitlin said before I could speak. Once again, she wasn’t asking.
“I can’t leave my position here,” I said, my heart heavy. “If I go, someone else I love might get hurt. It’s not a risk I can take.”
I expected her to lash out at me, to tell me that I was hurting her, but she nodded, seeming to accept my words as if they were what she’d expected.
God, that was worse than her anger. Anger, I could understand.
Rage. Grief. They were emotions I was familiar with.
But this? I wasn’t sure what to make of it.
Couldn’t she yell or argue with me? Couldn’t she plead with me that we loved each other? Because we did. I knew that in my heart. But it wasn’t enough.
“I’m not surprised,” she said slowly as she sat down on the bench and reached for my hand. “I thought the town would be your pick in the end, and I understand. Really, I do. Your job is too important to who you are as a person. It’s more than a career.”
“I wish it were different, but it can’t be,” I said, bringing her hand to my mouth to press a kiss to her palm. I wanted to change our situation, make it so we could be together, but I couldn’t see a way forward.
Caitlin pressed her head against my shoulder and we sat silently side by side for a minute before she straightened up and gently pulled her hand from my grasp.
“Right. Well, then. I guess there’s nothing left to be done,” she said, her tone forced. “You should know that I’ll be leaving soon. Aurora just hired a senior from Pop High to work the rest of the summer. She can take my place once she’s trained. I’ll be out of your house in a few days.”
“You’re leaving so soon?” I’d thought we’d have the next month together at least. And why was she so calm about it all?
“I’ll let you know about the pregnancy, doctor’s appointments, all that, in case you want to come down to Austin to attend any of them,” she said.
I inwardly winced at the idea of driving fifteen hours one way but she didn’t notice.
“After the baby is born, we’ll work out some sort of visitation schedule.
I want our child to grow up with both of us in their life, but I think it’s best if we’re no longer in a relationship other than as friends. ”
I nodded, completely unable to speak. She was leaving me, ending everything between us, taking our child and going, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to change her mind.
What hurt more than anything was how understanding she was.
She should be upset with me for picking the town over her and our baby. But instead, she seemed accepting.
“You should come back inside and have your lunch,” she suggested after a minute. “You’ve probably got a busy day ahead of you.” There was that damn neutral, accepting tone from her again when I wanted to punch the nearest wall.
“Not hungry,” I said and stalked away. I glanced back once before rounding the corner of the building. She was staring after me, her expression concerned. For me? She shouldn’t be, but she probably was, which made me feel even more angry at not being able to make our situation work.