Chapter 31 Brian
THIRTY-ONE
brIAN
By working sixteen-hour days, I got through the remaining time Caitlin lived at my house without falling apart.
On the evening she left, I’d helped her load her things into her SUV, just as I’d helped her unload them when she’d come to live with me.
She’d given me a hug, told me to take care of myself, and driven off to Austin.
I’d gone back in the house, pounded down three beers, and sat on my back deck until long after darkness fell.
I hadn’t even tried to go to bed. Instead, I’d stayed up channel surfing until dawn, slept two hours on the couch, and gone to work.
That first day, I’d stayed at work until Sofia had forced me to go home.
I’d felt useful at the station. I had a purpose there, and people needed me.
By contrast, my house held too many memories of Caitlin.
From the waffle iron that sat on the counter because I couldn’t bring myself to put it away to the smell of the pillowcases and sheets she’d slept on that I’d had yet to wash.
My house felt too empty without her. Sleep hadn’t happened that night either, making the following day worse.
I’d gotten into the office early, closed the door, and forced myself to tackle the fresh mountain of paperwork that always seemed to be waiting for me.
When I heard Mack come in, talking loudly about a traffic stop he’d just conducted, I felt irritation surge through me. Hadn’t I taught that kid anything about professional behavior?
“Kilpatrick,” I hollered from the doorway to my office. “We don’t talk about shit. We write a report. Be professional.”
“I was just—”
“No,” I snapped. “I don’t want to hear anything that starts with I was just. Do your job, do it right, or you’ll be looking for a new field of work.
” I retreated into my office and slammed the door shut.
Over the next few hours, I heard practically nothing from the outer office.
Either they’d all gone home, or they’d learned to conduct themselves in an appropriate manner. I didn’t really give a damn either way.
“Brian, your lunch date’s here.” Sofia cautiously poked her head into my office at noon.
“Who?” I asked, a little part of me hoping that Caitlin had changed her mind and returned to town.
“Amy, your sister-in-law,” Sofia said, speaking slowly. “It’s on your calendar.”
Shit, it was, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. “Yeah, I forgot. Tell her I’m not coming, would you? Too damn much stuff to do.”
“If that’s what you want.” Sofia studied me.
“Why are you questioning me?” I growled. “Go.”
I knew I was being an ass, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I was the boss. If I wanted to wallow in my misery for a time, then I would.
“He says he’s too busy,” I heard Sofia explain to Amy. “Maybe you can reschedule for another day.” Sofia’s voice dropped then, and I could catch only occasional words from her conversation with Amy. I listened more closely.
Like a bear with a sore butt…been like this since Caitlin left…someone’s got to talk…
“I know you’re talking about me.” My patience snapped as I exited the office to confront the women.
“I’m busy, Amy. Leave me alone,” I said to my sister-in-law.
Not once before in my life had I taken that tone with her, and I expected her to shout back, but she just shot a look at Sofia, who shook her head.
“What did I tell you?” Sofia said, and I was just about to tell her to mind her own business when Amy spoke.
“We’re coming in to talk,” Amy declared in the tone I’d heard her use when her son was throwing a tantrum. Sofia took up a position right behind Amy, and I knew I’d lost. They weren’t going to back down.
“Fine,” I said disgusted with it all. “Let’s get it over with.” I stalked back into my office and sat in my desk chair. Amy and Sofia took the seats opposite me. I wanted to shrink under their concerned gazes. Instead, I glowered, trying to put them off.
“Not once in the years that I’ve known you have you snapped at me,” Amy started, her tone firm. “Not once. You’re a mess. You look like the walking dead.”
“So?” I said.
“So we’re having an intervention,” Amy declared.
I rolled my eyes at the term. “Don’t need it.”
“Everyone else thinks differently. You’re not fooling anyone, Brian. The woman you’re in love with recently left town, and you’re not dealing well,” Amy said. “What no one can figure out is why did you let Caitlin go?”
“I didn’t get a choice,” I said. “She refused to stay here, and I can’t leave. There’s nothing to be done.”
“What do you mean you can’t leave?” Amy questioned. “Of course you can. You could resign as sheriff and go be with Caitlin and your baby in Austin. There are plenty of jobs in the city for someone with your qualifications.”
“I can’t,” I said again. Amy didn’t understand that the situation was so much more complicated than that. “When I leave, people get hurt. Why doesn’t anyone get that?”
“Because it’s bullshit.” Sofia dove into the conversation. “Every life in town is not solely dependent on you being on duty twenty-four-seven. You’ve made sure that we’re all so well trained that even the rookie out there managed to de-escalate a knife fight in a bar exactly by the book.”
“That’s not the only time I was needed,” I countered.
Sofia leaned forward, and I knew by the flash in her dark eyes that I was in for it. “Are you talking about the night you took Sue to the hospital? I could have driven her as easily as you did.”
I shook my head, not accepting the answer. “What about the argument between the council members?”
“You think I couldn’t handle the two Bobs?
” Sofia challenged. “I called you because I knew how pissed you’d be if I didn’t.
That’s what’s behind ninety percent of those phone calls I make to you.
Every single one is a situation we could handle without you, but you always insist on having your hand in the action.
The fact that you care so much makes you a good boss, and we respect that.
But, Jesus, you need to take a step back because it’s controlling your life. ”
“Why do you feel compelled to always be here?” Amy asked in the tone I’d heard therapists use. “Is there something in particular you blame yourself for?”
I looked away, not wanting to admit to it, not in front of her. I’d shirked my duties, and her husband had died as a result. I knew their marriage had been far from perfect, but they had loved each other, had had a child together.
“I’m not leaving until you tell me,” Amy said, settling into her chair, “because I know there’s something.”
I looked at her, and then at Sofia, who seemed to perceive what I wasn’t comfortable saying. My second in command stood. “I’ll be in the outer office. For the love of God, Brian, talk to her.”
I waited until the door clicked shut before speaking.
If I told Amy, she’d understand why it was so important for me to stay and then she’d leave me alone.
I nearly choked on the words, but I finally got them out.
“It’s my fault Luke and Dad are dead. If I’d been chief deputy, the accident would never have happened. ”
“Oh, Brian, that’s just not true.” Amy’s expression was shocked. “Luke was at fault. He’s the one who got behind the wheel even though he’d been drinking.”
I shook my head. It wasn’t that simple. I knew it wasn’t. “If I’d done what I should have, you would still have a husband and Henry a father and grandfather.”
I’d stopped by the office after returning from hunting and happened to take the call from the Highway Patrol about the accident. I’d wanted to trade places with my brother and dad. Instead, I’d gotten in my car and driven out to the ranch to break the news to my family.
“I’d told Luke over and over not to be so reckless.
Not to drink and drive,” Amy said. “To be more cautious when he was behind the wheel, especially if someone else was in the car. He never listened to me. If anything, I think me admonishing him pushed him to be more reckless because he didn’t like being told what to do. Does that make his death my fault?”
“Of course not.” How could she think such a thing? “His death isn’t on you. You couldn’t control what he did.”
“On those same grounds,” she spoke slowly, “it wasn’t your fault either. Luke did as he pleased. No one could control him. You know that to have been true about your brother.”
I couldn’t deny that Luke had always been stubborn and strong-willed.
“For that first year or two after the accident, I carried a lot of guilt about his death, too,” she said. “But grief counseling helped me see that I’m ultimately only responsible for myself, my feelings and reactions.”
“I didn’t know you’d gone to counseling.” The entire family had been devastated by the deaths of Luke and our father. It seemed Amy was the only one wise enough to seek help.
“I learned a lot,” she said, “like how not to feel bad about moving on with my life.”
“You’ve done that, and I’m happy for you,” I said.
Amy and my half-brother Cal were planning to marry around Christmas, neither of them wanting to drag out their engagement.
It had taken me and Jake some time to adjust to the idea, but I knew that Amy and Cal were good together, and Henry was so excited about having a daddy again.
“It’s time you moved on as well. You’ve got to let the guilt and the grief go.
They won’t do you any good. Trust me on that.
” She paused. “You’ll never get what you want in your life if you carry the weight of all those ‘could have beens’ around.
Tell me the truth, Brian, what do you want?
If you set aside your belief about the accident, would you choose Caitlin or this town? ”
“Caitlin,” I said, not able to stop her name from coming out.
“Good.” Amy smiled. “Then get her back.”
“It’s not that simple,” I argued. “As I said, she won’t stay and I can’t—”
“But you can. You’ve got competent people to run this office. You can resign or take time off and know you’re leaving things in good hands. Either way, you need to work it out with Caitlin.” Amy stood up. “We’ll get lunch another day. You’ve got a lot to think about.” She quietly left my office.
I sat there for a while, pondering what she’d said. I wasn’t convinced that I could just walk away from the life I’d built for myself in Poplar Springs. At the same time, I also wasn’t convinced that I could live without Caitlin.