Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
I’d never been as nervous as I was in this moment. I’d sat across the table from movie stars, legendary singers, and hall of famers from almost every sport. None of them were as terrifying as staring into the eyes of the woman I loved, knowing that what I had to say could change our relationship forever.
As soon as my conversation with Allen ended, I returned home, hating that I was being put in this position. Not once did I think our talk would go that way. I’d wracked my brain the entire trip home, trying to figure out how he’d found out about Calla and me. An anonymous source had come forward with their suspicions. That was all he told me. And while there was no direct evidence to link us together, I wasn’t going to lie about our relationship either. To tell Allen it was untrue would have probably been the smart move, but once I opened my mouth, I couldn’t deny how much I cared about Calla. To say anything less than the truth would have cheapened our relationship, cheapened the bond between us.
Even if it cost me everything .
“Theo?” Calla called out as she stepped out of the kitchen and came closer to me. “What’s going on? You’re freaking me out a little bit.”
I rubbed my hand through my hair then dropped it down to grip the back of the couch. I needed something to hold me up, something to give me strength when I had none to spare.
“Last night, at dinner, Allen said that the agency is potentially opening up another satellite office.” I inhaled slowly, forcing the words past my lips. “And if it passes, they want me to head the new location.”
The moment it escaped my lips, Calla’s whole demeanor shifted, like she was actively closing the walls around her heart. I couldn’t blame her; nothing about this situation would have been ideal for either of us. And she didn’t even know the worst part yet.
I inhaled slowly, continuing without meeting her worried gaze. “I told him no. At least, I tried to tell him no.”
“Tried to? What does that mean?”
“It means he knows about us.” I lifted my eyes to meet hers. Her gaze had widened, her whiskey-colored eyes already filling with tears. I hated it, hated that I was the cause. “He gave me two choices: either lead the next office or return to LA and go back to my previous position. But either way, if I want to stay in New York, I’m going to have to find a new job.”
Calla let out a little gasp, her hand flying to her mouth. As she started to pace, she shook her head. “What evidence do they have? Maybe we can fight this, find some excuse for why–”
“I told Allen the truth.”
She turned, staring at me in shock. “Why would you do that? ”
I stepped forward, taking her chin in my hand, crushing her lips to mine. “Because I don’t give a fuck what it costs me. I’m never going to deny how I feel for you. Never.”
“Theo…” Calla’s tears spilled down her cheeks, soaking into the fabric of my suit. As soon as they started falling, she pushed away from me, turning to take a seat on the couch. She curled her legs under her, staring out the window, as if the city held all the answers. I hated that expression, wishing I could say anything to take it away. But I had no solutions, no answers that would soothe the ache in her chest, not when the one inside of mine was tearing me apart.
“What happens now?” Calla whispered.
“I told Allen I needed to think about it,” I answered, sitting in the armchair across from her. Never before had we sat like this in my living room, and it hurt even more having the space between us. “I don’t know what to do, Calla.”
“And if you say no to both options?” She asked, still refusing to meet my eyes.
“Then I’m out of a job.” I pushed air through my lips. “But I’d be able to stay here. I don’t know if I’ll find something at the same level, but at least we’d be together.”
She glanced up at me, her warm eyes bigger than I’d ever seen before. But gone was the usual light that shined within her, and I hated myself for being the one to dim it. “Is that what you want?” she asked quietly, staring at anything else but me. “To stay here and start over?”
I swallowed. “Of course it is.”
“Theo…” Calla sighed as she stood up to face the window. She inhaled slowly then turned back toward me. “I think we both know that’s not true.”
I was on my feet before my brain could even process it, moving to be as close to her as possible. My hand found the back of her neck, pulling her forehead to mine. “I want you , Calla. No matter what else happens, you are the only thing I’m sure about.”
“Right now,” Calla whispered. “But this thing between us is so new, and I don’t want you to make a decision based on me.”
“What are you saying?”
She looked up, studying my eyes. Hers sparkled with unshed tears, making her irises even more vibrant. I wanted to stay like this, in this moment, the one before I knew everything would change between us. “If I wasn’t a factor, would you take the promotion? Would you want to lead the new team?”
I took a step back, hating that she voiced that question. It was one I didn’t want to answer, didn’t want to admit the words that had been playing out in my head. Because absolutely, I would take this job if she wasn’t here right now. I would have said yes without an ounce of hesitation. But none of that mattered, not while Calla was in my life.
“That’s not important,” I finally muttered. “It doesn’t matter what I would do in that situation.”
“It matters to me,” Calla whispered, her voice cracking. She shifted closer to me, placing her hands on my chest. “Theo, you know how I feel about you. Part of the reason I fell for you was your drive and ambition. I know what your career means to you, how hard you’ve worked for this chance. From the moment we met, you’ve been dreaming of an opportunity like this.”
“But that was before–”
She placed her hands over my lips. “I refuse to get in the way of your goals, Theo. I care about you too much to ever hold you back.” She lowered her hand, placing it back over my heart. “So tell me, if I wasn’t in the picture: would you take the job?”
I sighed, closing my eyes as tightly as possible. “Yes.”
“Then you should take it.” Calla smiled up at me, but it didn’t meet her eyes. “For what it’s worth, I think they’re lucky to have you, Theo. You’re going to be incredible.”
“Come with me.” I took her hands in mine. “As my assistant, girlfriend, I don’t care what your title is, as long as you’re there with me.”
Calla shook her head. “I can’t. I want to, but then I’d just be building my life around yours. As much as I want to go with you, I can’t do that to myself, not when I’m just starting to feel free again. I need to carve my own path.”
I swallowed, hating the weight on my chest. It felt like I was being dragged into the depths of the ocean, and I had no one to blame but myself. Each breath was a struggle, and my eyes stung with the threat of tears. I cleared my throat, unable to meet her gaze. “Where does that leave us?”
“I don’t know,” Calla admitted. “I want to be with you, Theo. More than anything. You’re the person I want to build a future with.” She paused, her voice cracking with emotion. “But maybe that future isn’t supposed to start right now. Maybe after we both figure out what we want, we can find a way to meet in the middle.”
“No.”
I broke her hold on me, storming over to the other side of the apartment. “We’re not giving up. Not yet, not like this. Not when we were so damn close to having everything.”
Calla shook her head. “Please, Theo, don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
“Fuck that,” I spit, wanting to rip my heart out of my chest and lay it at her feet. Maybe then, she’d realize how much this conversation was killing me. It was so tempting to tell her that I loved her, that I knew she loved me too, but it felt like cheating, pulling out a trump card when I was about to lose. I wanted to say those words because I wanted to give them, not as a desperate ploy to keep us together. I walked up to her, cupping the back of her neck so she had to meet my eyes. “Don’t do this, Calla. Don’t give up on me.”
“I’m not.” Tears filled her eyes. “I’ll never do that. But right now, you need to take this opportunity. Try to see if this is what you want. If it’s not, I’ll be here, waiting for you. If it is, then I’ll be happy for you, knowing that you finally achieved your goal.” She pressed a kiss to my chest. “Neither of us can live with regrets, Theo. And if you don’t take this leap right now, we’re going to spend the rest of our lives wondering what if. I don’t want that for either of us.”
My lungs wanted to give out as she said those words. I shook my head, my hands holding her against me. Maybe, if I held on tight enough, I’d never let her go. “I hate this.”
“I do too.” Calla wiped away a few stray tears. “But I’m still so incredibly proud of you, Theo. I hope you know that.”
“Thank you.” I leaned down to kiss her forehead. “And know that no matter where I am in the world, you call, I’m there.”
“You can’t promise that.”
I seized her chin, forcing her to look at me, to see the seriousness in my eyes. I might have failed this girl in many ways, but this promise would be one I’d keep. This was not goodbye; I refused to let that be the case. And if she called, I would be there, no matter what.
“I promise you, Calla Winters, that if you need me, I will be there for you, no matter what is happening in my life. Because I’m yours, and that’s never going to change. Not tonight, not ever. Maybe I don’t get to have you right now, but there is no way I am walking away from you forever.” I lifted her chin. “Do you understand me?”
Calla nodded then pressed her forehead against mine. As we stood there, both of us breaking down at the thought of being apart, something solidified in my chest. This might have been goodbye for now, but no matter what happened next, Calla was the other half of my heart.
Neither time nor distance would never change that.