Chapter 40
FORTY
“Mom?” I asked as I stared out my doorway, unsure if I trusted the sight in front of me. I had no idea that my mother even knew I was in town, much less where I lived. She looked so out of place standing in my apartment, and the way she clutched her purse to her arm made it clear she was as uncomfortable as I was.
She cleared her throat, adjusting her jacket. “Can I come inside?”
Still in shock, I nodded, stepping aside to let her in. I instantly cringed when she looked around the apartment, mentally preparing for a critique. Was that why she’d come here? To drag me back, kicking and screaming?
I crossed my arms around my middle. “What are you doing here?”
“I heard that you were back in town, and I wanted to make sure you were all right.” She turned, a rare vulnerability flashing over her features. “This place is cute.”
“Mom,” I groaned, rubbing a hand over my eyes. “What is this? Even when we were speaking, you’d never stop by late at night, so please, tell me why you’ re here.”
“I miss you.” She said it so simply, like it should have been my logical conclusion, but the thought never even crossed my mind. I dropped down to the couch, hoping that she would take the hint and join me. After running a hand over the surface, she sat down at my side. While I fully sank into the material, my mother sat on the edge, as if afraid my couch would swallow her up. I would have laughed, but it was hard to focus on anything except the way she was staring holes into the side of my head.
“Why now?” I asked, turning to face her. “We haven’t spoken in months, and in case you forgot, the last time we saw each other was a disaster. So if you came here to rehash all that stuff, please, just go. I’m too tired to deal with anything else from you right now.”
“I know,” she sighed, rubbing her temples with her fingers. “The last time I saw you, I was…hurt. I’d convinced myself I was doing what was best for you. But after that dinner, seeing how much you had grown without me? How much of your life I’d missed? I realized that all I’d done was push you away.” She reached over, taking my hand in hers. “I don’t care what you decide to do in life, Calla, just as long as you’re happy and I get to be a part of it. I can’t excuse any of my past behavior, but I am trying, and I am going to do better for you and your sisters. I’ve started seeing a therapist and she’s helping me work through my need for control. And I know I have a long way to go, but I thought you should know that your words hit their mark. I want more out of my life, and it starts with a better relationship with you girls, especially you, Calla.”
My eyes clouded with tears as I gently took my hand from hers. “Mom, I want nothing more than to say okay and make things better, but it’s not that simple. You talk about repairing our relationship, but you don’t realize that you’ve been breaking it down for years . Every time I’m around you, I’m bracing myself, waiting for the passive-aggressive comments, for you to try to manipulate me into following your lead.” I inhaled slowly. “I can’t do that anymore, Mom. I won’t. As much as I want you in my life, you need to change for yourself, because you want to be a better person. It can’t be about me, because I’m not ready to have you in my life, at least not right now.” A lone tear dropped from my eye, and I rushed to wipe it away before she saw.
But instead of admonishing me for showing my emotions, my mom lifted her thumb, brushing it away. I finally looked up and saw tears forming in her eyes as well. It broke down that final wall in my heart, and there was one question at the center.
“Why wasn’t I enough?” My voice cracked. “Why couldn’t you just love me as I am?”
“You’ve always been enough,” my mother answered. “It’s me. I’m the one who let you down.” She inhaled slowly. “What do you remember about your father?”
“Not much,” I admitted. “Little bits and pieces like a photo album. And his laugh.”
“He had the best laugh.” She smiled fondly at her hand. Looking down, I saw her old wedding ring from my father on her right hand, and she was toying with it when she spoke. “Your father was the love of my life. We met when I was sixteen, and I knew I’d never love anyone else as much as him.” She exhaled, staring out at the window. “When he died, he took a part of me with him. It was easier to keep everyone at a distance, to be cold, than to risk any sort of pain like that again. It changed me for the worse.”
“It changed all of us!” I stood, needing to work off some of the excess energy now coursing through my veins. “I was five years old, Mom. Five! I’d just lost my dad, and then my mom went from my hero to being the villain. We were all hurting. We were all broken! But instead of healing together, you pushed everyone away, turning into a fucked-up version of a Stepford wife.”
“I know,” she admitted quietly. “I failed you when you needed me the most. Without realizing it, I pushed all my children away, especially you.” She looked up at me. “You have always been so much like your father. You have the same fire inside you. And I’ll admit, sometimes, it hurts to be around you, because it just makes me miss him more.” She let the tears fall down her cheeks. “Losing the love of my life almost killed me, Calla. I wouldn’t wish that pain on my worst enemy.” She stood up and moved in front of me, cupping my damp cheek with her palm. “But it doesn’t excuse what I’ve done. I will never be able to atone for all my mistakes, but if you are willing to give me a chance, I would like to try to move forward.”
The devastated, broken little girl inside me wanted to say yes, to cling to the mother she lost along the way, but there was too much damage to forgive that easily, not when words were all she was offering.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m not ready for that.”
She nodded, “I understand.” She ran her hand over my hair once, then pressed a kiss to my forehead. “If that ever changes, you know where to find me. You are always welcome at the Isadora. It’s just as much yours as it is mine.” She pulled back to look in my eyes. “I love you, Calla, exactly as you are. I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you that.”
As my mother turned toward the day, I tried to stay strong. I tried to hold onto all the anger I’d suppressed, but by standing my ground, that tension loosened, leaving less resentment behind than before .
When the handle turned in her hand, I called out for her. “I’m not ready yet, Mom.” She shifted, turning to face me with a hopeful gleam in her eyes. “But if you keep showing up and putting in the work, maybe I can be, one day.”
She nodded. “That’s all I ask.”
I stared at my phone on the coffee table as I paced in my living room, debating what I should do next. As much as I wanted to talk to someone about my mother’s visit, the only person I wanted to tell was Theo. Unfortunately, over the last month, we’d completely cut off all contact, foolishly thinking it would lessen the blow of our separation.
For me, that was the furthest thing from the truth.
Every day, I hoped it would be the day I stopped missing him, the day I stopped feeling like I was missing a piece of me, but it never happened, and I was starting to doubt it ever would.
Refusing to question it anymore, I followed my instincts, grabbing my phone and scrolling until I found his number. His contact had been changed to DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT , but I dialed anyway, needing to hear his voice, even if it was just his voicemail.
“Calla?” his breathless voice answered after a single ring.
That was all it took for me to break, for everything I’d been holding back to rush to the surface. I placed my hand over my mouth, trying to hide the sound of my tears. It wasn’t enough, though, because Theo spoke a few seconds later. “Fuck, Calla. Please don’t cry. It breaks my heart to hear you upset. ”
“I can’t help it,” I sniffled. “I miss you so much, it hurts, Theo. I’m so happy for you, and I’m incredibly proud of you, but I think we made a mistake. I made a mistake.”
“Calla…” he cooed, his voice breaking. “I miss you too, more than you even know. I’ve been falling apart without you.”
“You have?”
Maybe I should have hated that he was hurting, but hearing the pain in his voice soothed those broken pieces inside me. For the first time since I left his office, I felt like I wasn’t alone. Just talking to him again pumped air into my lungs, and I was finally able to breathe fully.
“How can you even question that, beautiful?” Theo chuckled. “Do you have any idea how awful it has been here without you? I can’t even walk into my apartment without getting mad that you’re not in it. Hell, I’ve been reading the books you left behind every night because it feels like you’re sitting here with me.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling,” I exhaled shakily. “So, this whole clean break thing—can we both agree that it was a terrible idea?”
“One thousand fucking percent.”
I smiled through my burst of tears. I wanted to hold him, see him, spend the entire evening reacquainting myself with his body. It had been too long since he had been inside of me, and I craved his touch more than my next breath. But, in the back of my mind, I still wanted to support him. I needed him to know I would be there to support his dreams, even if it was hard. “I know you’re going to be busy for the next few months, but I want to visit you, to see you in action in your new office. Maybe make sure your new assistant doesn’t get any ideas.”
“You don’t have to worry about that, beautiful. You’re the only woman I see.” He exhaled slowly. “But yes, I’d love that. We can talk more tomorrow and figure out all the details.”
“That sounds perfect.” I laid in bed, propping the phone on my pillow so I could talk to him more. “Guess who came to see me tonight?”
“Do I even want to know?”
“Not like that,” I chuckled. “My mom came over.”
Theo paused, probably unsure what to say. “How did it go?”
“About as well as could be expected.”
As I dove into the story of my mother’s visit, I couldn’t help but feel content for the first time since we last spoke. His calm, quiet voice soothed me, and I drifted off in the middle of our conversation, finally able to sleep peacefully through the night.