Chapter 48 Audrey
Chapter forty-eight
Audrey
My fingers hover over the phone screen, which is the only light in my small bedroom.
It’s quiet in the apartment besides the slight humming of the air conditioning, but I don’t find peace in the stillness.
I woke up an hour ago and immediately reached for my phone, scrolling through my messages.
The family group chat was flooded with a string of unanswered texts from my parents, but that wasn’t why I was still in bed, my eyes fixed on the screen.
I miss you…I know I fucked up. Can we talk?
I type out. My chipped nails hover over the little send button.
It would be so simple, a single tap to shatter the invisible wall that had grown between Rhett and me.
One small action to cross the unspoken barrier which held us apart.
But I couldn't do it now, nor the other fifty times I typed out some rendition of this message.
I quickly deleted it, tossing my phone across the bed and bury my face in my pillow, shutting out the world.
But then I kick my legs out and I’m reminded of the empty spot at the end of the bed.
My heart aches for Rhett, but there’s a reason there.
He knows why we haven’t spoken, but not Mabel.
My heart pounds against my ribs thinking about how she’s probably looking for me everywhere, and no one can explain why I’m not there.
A fat tear soaks into my pillow, dampening my cheek, because all I can think about is her tin of homemade treats, the ones she loves, are going to run out any day now.
I never imagined the day that I stepped onto that grassy yard, crouched down, and pet that drooly bloodhound would mark the beginning of something I’d one day lose. I never thought my heart would shatter knowing I could never go back—never to that place, never to her.
Penny moves on the other side of the bedroom door, and I know I can’t stay here all day. I ungracefully roll out of the bed, slide on pink slippers and shuffle into the bright kitchen where I find her blending a smoothie.
“Well, hello sunshine.” She smiles as I drop onto a stool, groaning with my head in my hands.
“Hey Pen. Off to Pilates?” I ask groggily.
Her long, blond braid whips around as she faces me, pouring her green drink into a to-go cup.
“This morning is actually spin class. It’s Monday,” she adds gently.
“You know it might be good for you to get back to the gym. Nothing gets you out of your head like sweating and deep breathing.” She tilts her head at me, and I exhale, already tired from this day.
“Yeah. Yeah. Maybe tomorrow, okay?”
She nods, probably not holding her breath. “We still on for drinks after work? How’s six p.m.?” Penny taps her freshly done nails on the countertop. Perfectly fresh nails with her new workout clothes. She is a glaring juxtaposition to me right now and it’s not helping, even if I love her.
“Of course. Six tonight is good.”
“Hey, you’ve officially made it past the first week.” I know she means it as a celebration, like oh look, you made it a whole week after getting dumped—again—but there’s nothing to celebrate. This past week has been hell.
Mustering up a grin, I avoid eye contact with Penny and walk to the coffee maker, turning it on. The front door closes behind Penny, and I go on with my day, like I've done all week.
One task at a time. If I pause too long, I’ll fall back into self-deprecating talk and analyze every detail of this summer, wondering again and again if I could’ve done something differently.
My Realtor, Elena, called me last night, arranging a meeting this morning at a coffee shop near my old apartment.
Apparently, I forgot to hand over the keys to the back garage, and the new buyer, who paid cash, is closing this afternoon.
I let Ed know I’ll be late today and decide to head out early, walking to the coffee shop.
The walk is twenty minutes, giving me time to settle my thoughts.
As I walk, a notification pings on my phone.
I have a meeting with Ed at noon. During lunch, of course, but rescheduling with him wouldn’t be an option, I know that much.
I’m on thin ice after backing out of the promotion.
He’s been giving me the cold shoulder all week, and his eerie silence is almost worse than if he flat out laid into me, telling me how irresponsible and careless it was to email him a resignation from a promotion he put his name on.
I can’t deal with more disappointment, even from him.
Letting people down has become my entire personality as of late and it was becoming heavy.
The neighborhood coffee shop is loud with morning commuters, busy rushing from here to there, but the bitter aroma of espresso and chatter distract me from my thoughts.
Elena’s arm shoots up, waving enthusiastically, instantly catching my attention.
She’s seated at a small table near the wall of windows
“I’m so sorry for this, I can’t believe I forgot to double check I had all the keys!” Her auburn curls shake around her face as she pulls an envelope out of her bag. I wave it off, truly unbothered. I would rather be anywhere but my office today.
There’s only one place I want to be today, and it’s not a place I'm sure I'll ever see again.
“Here you go.” I set two silver keys on the table between us and Elena snapped them up, placing them in a tiny envelope.
Her beaming smile is nearly contagious, and a quiet sense of pride wells up in me.
Taking a chance on her felt right, and it paid off.
I’m free of that house, and I have more cash than I know what to do with.
But I'm not necessarily in a rush to use it; when the time is right, I’ll know.
At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
One step at a time.
“Well, that was simple!” She clasps her hands together, but I have no desire to move and contemplate sitting here for a while, pretending my meeting took longer than it really did. No one would be the wiser. I could even treat myself to a lavender cappuccino.
Though what I'm craving is homemade coffee out of a chipped mug in a farmhouse kitchen, served by a man who calls me darlin’.
“I was worried you might have forgotten them intentionally…cold feet or what not.” Elena scrunched her eyebrows, watching me closely as she placed her bag in her lap.
“Oh gosh, no.” I pause briefly. “That house was never going to be my home.”
Elena pinches her lips together, giving me a curious look.
“It’s a beautiful house. The family who bought it is very excited.”
Despite what my mother, Jackson, and everyone else thinks—that I’m ungrateful—I’m honestly glad to hear that. I want someone to find happiness there. Maybe it would prove not everything I touch turns to ruin.
It was always meant to belong to someone else, to be the vessel for another family’s dream.
“That’s wonderful.” I grin and nod, but Elena hesitates, mouth hanging slightly open before speaking.
“May I ask what is next for you? Are you going to look for a new house, or maybe rent an apartment in the city for a while longer?” It’s not unreasonable for her to ask me this as my Realtor, and it’s not like I haven’t been thinking about it. I just don’t have an answer.
“I’m not entirely sure yet. My friend hasn’t kicked me out so...” I reply with a small laugh. “I’m taking it day by day. Where I want to be, what I want it to look like.”
Elena smiled kindly at me, accepting the answer.
What I don’t say is when I conjure up images of home, it’s not a building I see.
It’s a feeling, it’s a person.
It’s…the man across the street.
Elena starts talking about a new development south of town, but her words are drowned out by the thumping of my heart.
A white pickup truck I know too well parks across the street and out steps Rhett.
Blue jeans, work boots and a gray t-shirt span across his broad chest. He rounds the truck, running a hand through his ruffled dirty-blonde hair, and I stare like it’s a person who’s come back from the dead.
My breath grows shallow, my heart caught in my throat as Rhett pulls out a toolbox, unaware of my eyes on him, unaware my heart is screaming at me, begging me to move, to do something.
But I stay clutching this wooden chair like it’s my lifeline.
His blue eyes glance both ways across the busy city street before jogging across to the sidewalk.
His brow is furrowed low, the face he makes when he’s thinking.
The face I fell madly in love with. Of course, he looks good.
Like, really good. Like he hasn’t lost sleep or woken up at 6 a.m. every day because he needs to type out messages he’ll never send me.
Elena asks a question, but I don’t answer, my mouth bone dry as Rhett steps onto the sidewalk, looking like he is going to walk directly into the glass, before he turns abruptly.
He didn’t see me. His eyes never met mine, his face didn’t falter, his eyes didn’t mist over like mine right now. He didn’t see me.
I want to bang my hands on the glass and force him to stop and look at me.
But then what? What would I say?
All the things I’m too scared to even send in a text?
What would I tell him that he doesn’t already know?
You lied to him. You ruined everything.
“Audrey.” I jerked my gaze back to Elena, her brow furrowed as she followed my eyes out the window, landing on Rhett’s back. He was walking away, further and further away, and I was glued to the seat.
“I’m so sorry, I thought I saw someone I knew.” I attempt to smooth my expression, but the room feels like it’s spinning. Part of me wants to sink further into the chair and hunker down here for the foreseeable future, and part of me wants to run down the sidewalk after Rhett.
“No worries, I have to get back to the office with the keys, but I’ll call you when all is said and done. Congratulations on the sale!”
It takes a moment for her words to register, but I smile with tight lips and stand up, walking with her to the coffee shop door.
We shake hands, and my feet begin to move down the sidewalk towards my office building, back to my windowless, gray office. I walk, but I'm not sure I'm really moving.
My heart is still back at the coffee shop, wondering if I really saw him at all.