Chapter 20 Ropes & Red
ROPES I don’t want to mess this up.
Tell me a secret, something you’ve never told anyone.
Ropes
I can’t remember what my mom’s voice sounded like anymore. A few years ago, I realized that I’d forgotten. It felt like losing her all over again.
Red
I’m so sorry. I have a few voicemails saved from mine … but I feel her loss every single day. She was the glue that held our family together. It’s never been the same since.
Ropes
I wish I had more positive things to say about mine. She didn’t treat me well. I know she wanted to. I know she loved me. But her addiction made her into someone she wasn’t.
Fuck, I’ve never talked about this to anyone—ever.
What are you doing to me, Red?
Red
It’s good to talk about it. I’m glad you feel safe enough with me to open up. I’m sorry you’ve carried this burden alone for so long. I can’t imagine how lonely that must have felt. I at least had siblings to process it with.
Ropes
I have people I could have talked to. I push people away. It’s just easier, I guess.
Red
My father never dealt with my mother’s death the way he should have. He checked out of our lives and turned to alcohol. It’s almost like the day she died, he died with her.
Don’t let that become you, Ropes.
Ropes
Promise me you won’t push me away.
Red
I promise. We might decide to meet one day or we might not. I’ll always be here.
Of course, if I get a boyfriend, he might not like me talking to you …
Ropes
You can just tell him I’m a good friend. And I’ve never touched you, so what’s he really got to complain about?
Red
Do people send salacious photos to their good friends?
Ropes
I mean, we’re doing that, aren’t we? But if you were mine for real, hell no, you couldn’t keep a friend like me.
Red
Does that mean you’re a possessive boyfriend? Which reminds me, it’s my turn for a picture.
Ropes
I never was before, but with you, I would be.
(image)
Red
The gray sweats and abs will get me every time. You make me want to do things I read about in books.
And you make me want a boyfriend more than I ever have.
Ropes
What kinds of things? I don’t know if you could handle me as a boyfriend.
Red
Why is that?
Ropes
I’d tie you to the bed and never let you leave.
Red
See, that’s something a book boyfriend would say.
Ropes
Does a book boyfriend say that he wants to touch himself while looking at his not-a-girlfriend’s pictures?
Red
I don’t know if he’d tell her before or just do it and tell her after.
But I’m open to either option …
Ropes
Good, because I’m already doing it. Fuck, Red. I don’t know how I know. I just know you would taste so sweet.
Red
I want to feel you grinding on me. I wish you could sneak into my room right now.
Ropes
If I did, what would you want me to do first?
Red
I want you to tie my hands. And I want to feel you through your clothes first, pressed up against me.
Ropes
If I do that, I might come in my pants.
Red
Have you ever done that before?
Ropes
Come in my pants? Once.
Red
I came on this guy’s lap one time … it was so, so embarrassing. And I think he knew.
We were on his boat, and there were, like, ten other people around us. There was nowhere to sit, so he pulled me onto his lap. I was tipsy, and he got hard against my ass. And it was like … every time the boat rocked, I got closer to an orgasm.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live it down. And I’m pretty sure it weirded him out.
Ropes
If he was hard, what makes you think he wasn’t just as into it as you were?
Red
Because he didn’t speak to me for weeks afterward. I just know he doesn’t see me that way, and he never has.
Ropes
Red, I can tell you right now, if that guy had an erection with you on his lap and he felt you finish on him, he’s probably replaying it in his head right now. I’m a guy. Trust me on this.
Red
Ha-ha. Where’s Mr. Jealousy now?
Ropes
Let’s just say, he’s picturing you in a bikini on a boat.
On his lap.
Red
I wish it had been you.
Ropes
I wish it were me right now.
Red
I wish I hadn’t told you I wanted to stay anonymous.
Ropes
I wish I could give you everything you wanted.
But I can’t, Red. Let me be what I can be for you right now.
Red
Truth or dare.
Ropes
I know what your dare would be, so truth.
Red
You don’t know. I was gonna ask for another slutty picture. What’s your earliest memory?
Ropes
My mom taking me to Dairy Queen for my fourth birthday. She let me get a large Blizzard for the first time. I got it with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. I always liked M&M’s better, but I knew she liked peanut butter cups. She didn’t have enough money for two.
Red
That’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard someone do. What was your favorite thing about her?
Ropes
Her singing voice was pretty spectacular. It had that rasp to it. She liked old country songs. I’ll always have a soft spot for Loretta Lynn and Dolly Parton. And she sang me to sleep whenever she wasn’t high.
Red
I wish we could’ve been friends back then too, Ropes. I wish I could have been there for you when you lost her.
Ropes
I wish she could have loved me enough to get clean and keep me away from her boyfriends. What’s your favorite memory of your mom?
Red
I’m sorry. I wish that too. I wish my dad had the strength to get clean for us kids. I don’t understand it. I won’t have kids if I can’t be there for them. My mom taught me how to bake. We’d do it all the time together for my family.
Ropes
I won’t have kids at all. I never want to bring a child into this world. You’ll be a great mom someday.
Red
I would do it with the right man. I’d love to have a family. My sister-in-law and brother have kids. I’ve never seen either of them happier.
Ropes
What if something happens? What if one of them dies?
Red
What if anything? Life is unpredictable, but it shouldn’t keep us from living it.
Ropes
I live it. Alone and letting very limited people in. Safer this way.
Red
Well, you let me in, so maybe that’s a start in the right direction.
Ropes
Ha-ha. Maybe. I guess so. I haven’t opened up to anyone like this before. I’m starting to wonder if maybe you’re a witch.
Red
Maybe I am. Maybe I put a hex on you!
Ropes
Did you? Would make sense. You’d be a hot witch.
Red
I’m a tired witch. Talk tomorrow?
Ropes
Yeah. I have a fight tomorrow night, so I should get some sleep.
Red
I’m glad I’m not your girlfriend. I don’t know if I could handle that.
Ropes
It might turn you on—you never know.
Red
Everything about you does, so probably.
Night, Ropes.
Ropes
Night, baby.