Layla
Chapter Twenty-Nine
By the fourth time I sat down for chemo treatment, I knew almost everyone working in the oncology department and could greet most by name.
I’d also gotten to know others going through chemo.
I was quickly finding out I wasn’t alone.
In fact, there were a number of people who’d been doing it a lot longer than I had.
But the downside of establishing relationships with my fellow chemo patients was that I also took it hard when one didn’t make it.
That night, as I sat on the couch in my dark apartment, contemplating the unfairness of a mother of three losing her battle with colon cancer, Kellan came through the door. His mere presence, even months after we’d met, could make me feel instantly better.
“Hi. Sorry I didn’t knock. I thought you might be sleeping.”
Despite my mother having gone with me to today’s treatment, Kellan was checking up on me. He always insisted on doing so for the first couple of nights after chemo. I loved how he took such good care of me. Not just physically, but emotionally.
“I couldn’t sleep much.”
He took off his work boots, sitting down beside me. “What’s wrong?”
“The woman, Shelly, who comes for chemo on the same Mondays as me—she was going through stage four colon cancer—she didn’t make it. I found out today.”
“Is she the one with the three kids?”
I was touched he’d remembered. “Yeah.”
He sighed deeply. “I’m really sorry to hear that. She had been fighting for years.”
“Yes, she had.” She’d had her cancer go into remission three years ago, only for it to return a year later.
I shared my deepest fear. “What if this is only the first round for me? What if I beat this, only to have it return? The rate of relapse in five years for triple negative breast cancer is much higher than for other kinds.” Thirty percent versus seven percent for other types of breast cancer.
He rubbed my back. “You also have stage two, which means it was caught early. And they’re treating you aggressively. All of those factors work in your favor.”
“Then why me and not Shelly? She had kids and—”
He cut me off. “Don’t do that. Don’t compare the value of your life to someone else’s. You and I both know cancer isn’t fair. Period.”
Cancer also didn’t discriminate. All races, religions, age groups, and economic backgrounds were at risk.
I expelled a breath, having fought depression all day after hearing about Shelly.
I had a serious case of survivor’s guilt.
“No, it isn’t fair. I don’t know if I’d have it in me to go through years and years of this. ”
“You have three more chemo treatments left. The doctors say everything is responding as planned. You can only look at the next step, not the what-ifs.”
That was true. Kellan had been with me for my last appointment with my oncologist. They’d told me how pleased they were with the way everything was responding.
My final three treatments would take me into the New Year.
Hopefully, I’d start radiation at the end of January and be completely done by April.
At least that was the plan. Then again, I was certain Shelly had a plan, too.
“How was today with your mom there for your chemo?”
“Not too bad. She didn’t break out the vacuum this time when we got back, so it’s progress. She wanted to spend the night, but I told her overnights were your thing.”
“It is my thing. You okay? Sounds like a rough day.”
It had been. In addition to finding out about Shelly, I’d had to file for long-term disability.
It was one more step in a direction from which I wasn’t sure how to return.
Although I tried not to burden him when I felt down, this wasn’t an instance I’d be able to fake it.
“It was rough. I’m scared. Scared the bottom could drop out any minute. ”
He faced me, gently cupping my chin. “Then let me be the strong one for you. Whenever you’re scared, whenever you’re worried, I’ll be your rock. I’ll remind you that we’ll just go one small step in front of the other.”
There were times I still didn’t allow myself to rely on him completely for fear it would be too much.
Yet the man had never wavered. He’d never indicated this was too much.
Instead, he took my fight and made it part of his own.
“I love you. And if my mouth wasn’t full of blisters and my spit toxic from the chemo, I’d totally make out with you right now. ”
He softly chuckled. “I love you, too. And rain check for the kisses. Remember, plenty of kinky times ahead.”
I smiled, loving the thought of all of the things we’d do at some point. “How is work on the Williamses’ house? You got the appliances delivered today?”
He was nearing the end of the project, now focused on the kitchen and painting. We were literally counting the days. I wasn’t jealous of Carly any longer, but frankly, we’d both be happy to put his ex-girlfriend and her family in our rearview mirror.
“Okay. Per usual, there was a change of heart. Now I’m waiting on the new refrigerator.”
Unfortunately, this was the norm for this project.
There was no way of telling whether all of the changes were Carly’s punishment of Kellan for rejecting her or if the Williamses were simply high-maintenance.
Either way, I knew he’d be relieved when this was all done.
I was proud of him for already having a number of new jobs lined up.
“Did the closet finally get decided on?”
“Yep. Cedar. I’ll take a picture because I think you’d like it.”
“For my five-hundred-square-foot walk-in closet, the one I’ll have someday?” The Williamses’ house was over six thousand square feet and absolutely gorgeous. But I didn’t see in my future a closet the size of my last apartment.
“For you. Anything. Did you talk to your HR folks today?”
“Sure did.” That had only added to my bad day. “I’m officially on long-term disability. Family and medical leave has ended at my job, and I’m positive they already have me replaced. I know I said I don’t miss it, but making it official feels very final.”
“I’m sorry, babe. It really is their loss.”
Yes, it was, although I couldn’t fathom going back to my job or my old life. I wasn’t sure what I’d be doing after this whole cancer thing, but I did know it wouldn’t be back in LA. I was done there. I’d found my home and the man I wanted to spend my future with here in Seattle.
“What about medical coverage?”
“I’m lucky. The studio has elected to continue to pay for my medical benefits for up to a year. I like to believe it’s the one way Julian took care of me in the end.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
Me too, since medical coverage would’ve been astronomical.
But in the short term, I had some hard decisions to make.
Unless I wanted to completely deplete my savings account, I couldn’t afford to stay in my apartment longer than the next three months.
Perhaps if I sold some of my designer dresses and shoes, it would give me a few more thousand.
That wouldn’t last long, though, so I might have no choice but to move temporarily up to Bellingham and in with my brother.
I was sure Kellan would be okay with me staying with him during the days I needed to be in Seattle for treatments.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Just tired.”
“You’re adorable as always, but a terrible liar.”
Just one more way he knew me best. “Now that I’m on long-term disability, I may need to move out of here and up to Bellingham with Russ. It’ll be temporary until I can get back to work. Hopefully by spring time.”
“Your brother is great, don’t get me wrong, but wouldn’t you rather move in with me?”
I blew out a breath at the way he made it sound so easy. “I want to move in with you because the time is right, not because of money.”
“How long do you have left in this place?”
“Two, maybe three, more months. It’s a month-to-month rental.”
It occurred to me we’d never talked about finances. It certainly didn’t matter to me what Kellan made at his job. And now that the subject had turned to me, I felt very awkward, to say the least.
“How about we discuss this once you’re feeling better in a couple of weeks. I can plot out how to woo you into saying yes to moving in with me in some very delicious ways.”
Of course he made me laugh. He always could. And somehow, I had to believe everything would be okay.