Chapter 27 #3
If the people inside there could see us both here in this pile of leaves, they would declare us crazy.
I tried not to think about it, because I could never risk something like that. And yet, deep in my chest, something desperately longed to be nothing more than crazy with Quill.
Why did the thought trigger a feeling of loss inside me? Why couldn't I manage to enjoy these seconds? Why was the future haunting me, even though it hadn't even come yet, even though it was still uncertain?
“How do you do it?” the words slipped out of my mouth on their own.
“What exactly?”
Her voice was calmer again, and even though I already missed the sound of her laughter, I was grateful that I had gotten the chance to hear it at least once in my life.
“Living in the moment.”
Silence.
But it wasn't the uncomfortable kind I was exposed to every day in this town. No. It was the Quill silence. A pleasant moment of shared tranquility in which we both hung on to our thoughts.
The rain gradually subsided until the only drops you could hear were those falling from the yellow linden leaves around us onto the grass of the park lawn.
“People either chase after the future or wallow in memories of the past. But in the end, all they ever had was the moment.”
She took an audible breath and the leaves under her head rustled.
“Yesterday will never come back, and tomorrow may never come.”
How right she was...
“Believe me, there is no more real form of living in the moment than writing.”
Did she have to remind me of that?
You fool. You literally asked her to hold the truth in front of your face.
I wanted to try. Live in the moment. Even if I could only afford to make such a misstep once.
The moment demanded that I turn my head in her direction, and I knew that if I gave in to this urge, this moment could spiral out of control.
I was too close to her...
“What if the risk of destroying something I've built up over the years is too great?”
I watched as the dark clouds allowed the blue sky to peek through their wall, moving menacingly toward the sun, ready to plunge Maplecrest into shadow once again.
“Then you should ask yourself if it's worth the risk. Do you really want to live in the moment? Or would you rather let the past control you?”
It sounded so simple. But it wasn't, and she knew it.
“Expectations. My environment has expectations of me.”
The perfect father to Lara, a good friend to Anthony, a loyal protégé to Joseph, a reliable colleague to Monica, an exemplary member of Maplecrest society, a decent law professor, a man who balanced himself in the middle and didn't reveal his political leanings in order to maintain peace, the future husband of my mentor's daughter...
“The only expectations that matter are those of people who mean something to you and to whom you also mean something. Those are the only expectations that align with your needs.”
Something about her words made something stuck inside me fight back.
What she said sounded so plausible, but it couldn't be true.
I meant something to all these people.
To Lara, to Tony, to Monica, to Joseph...
They all wanted the best for me. So why did their silent and vocal expectations weigh so heavily on me?
The realization seeped into my mind.
All these people only knew the Davian I had decided to show them.
“We wonder why people who love us put us through hell until we realize they never loved us.”
There was something heavy in her voice. Something that made my head turn toward her on its own.
She looked up at the sky, her eyes glassy.
“All they ever cared about was an incomplete version of us that easily fit into a box.” She pressed her lips together, swallowed, and the water in her eyes increased before her voice broke. “A rigid image of us that served their comfort zone.”
My hand found her cold, trembling one, in the leaves, and closed around it as tightly as possible without hurting her.
Quill turned her head toward me, and the tear from her lower eye rolled down her cheek toward her ear, while the one from the other side had to cross her nose first.
She didn't have to say out loud who she was talking about. However, it hurt uncomfortably not to be able to take away her pain.
You were never meant to take it away. The only thing you can do is help her through it.
But how? My hands were tied...
My fingers gently caressed her hand, trying to warm it, while I threatened to drown in the crystal-clear gray fibers of her irises.
Among all the people who expected something from me, she was the only person who had ever seen me raw and fragile.
I barely knew her, and already I was giving her expectations more weight than I should have. But... there weren't any.
She let me live, exist, break... And all these things felt so natural and vivid with her. As if I were actually breathing. Getting air.
She... was shivering.
Clumsy Hearts
Ahmet Kenan Bilgic, Turgut Mavuk
“You're freezing. Do you want my...”
“No...” Suddenly she sat up, hastily brushed the wet strands of hair out of her face, and looked at me apologetically. “It's okay. I should go back inside anyway before Monica panics.”
Before I could reply, she was already on her feet, brushing the leaves off her now mud-covered blouse.
She bent down to the completely soaked blazer, wrung it out, and then gave me one last glance.
And God... that smile. Made to bring me to my knees, if I weren't already lying in this pile of leaves.
She turned away from me, and I braced myself on my elbows behind me, fighting the urge to jump up and follow her to make sure she got inside safely and got some warm clothes.
But the only thing I could move were my lips.
“Quill?”
She stopped immediately, turned back to me, and I tried to memorize what this woman looked like after the rain had loved her.
“What's your pen name?”
She had never told me. Not on the bridge, not when I had indirectly asked her. But something inside me was dying to have her press that key to another part of herself into my hand.
The right corner of her mouth slipped upward as she continued walking backward.
“The color of longing.”
And with those words, she turned away for good and made her way across the lawn into the distance until she disappeared around the hedge and I lost sight of her.
I knew immediately what she meant, but it took a while for the thoughtful smile to spread across my lips.
Back to Mansion
Ahmet Kenan Bilgic, Turgut Mavuk
Lost in thought, I picked up the umbrella and headed back toward the house, feeling the cold slowly take hold of my body, but there was this growing inner warmth that even my physical cold couldn't compete against.
“Good heavens, Davian!” My head snapped up and I spotted Monica on the stairs, staring at me as if I were a rebellious teenager who had just come home with a tattoo, a lip piercing, and dyed hair. “What happened to you?”
I couldn't help the smile that stole across my lips, even though reality was already lurking around the next corner. I could feel it.
Monica must not have seen Quill yet...
I turned around one last time, letting my gaze wander across the park area that was visible from here.
She was gone.
As if she had never been here.
A ghost. Like me.
A ghost who had asked me to live in the moment. But all I was capable of at that moment was reminiscing. About the woman who danced in the rain.
Blue.
I didn’t fear the rain…
I feared losing something
I never even had in the first place.
– Leaking Batteries Diary