Chapter Thirty-Three
JAX
“SHE’S RETREATED inside herself for now, the psychological stress she’s experienced in the past twenty-four hours on top of the existing PTSD has made it more comfortable for now. The official term for it is catatonia associated with posttraumatic stress disorder.
“However, her catatonia is mild. She is aware of everything around her, but she is choosing not to respond to any of it.”
When we got Marley to the ER, Mr. Harlow called in her personal doctor, who knows everything about what she has been through. Now both Harlow brothers and their father are in the waiting room with me, Dimitri, and Vasilei.
We are a bit of a motley crew.
Marley hasn’t responded to anything or anyone since I grabbed her from that basement. Feeling like a stranger to her as I tried to get her to open her eyes broke my heart down the middle and the pressure on my chest hasn’t gone away.
She kept her eyes squeezed closed the entire ride here, but after they got her to a bed, she turned away from everyone onto her side, her eyes staring at something no one else can see. Even when I begged her, she wouldn’t acknowledge me.
The only reason I’m in this waiting room instead of next to her bed is to hear what the doctor has to say, and I don’t like what I’m hearing. “How long will she be like that?”
She turns from Mr. Harlow and smiles at me, the kind of smile shrinks paste on their face to keep everyone calm. I don’t know what it’s called, but it’s some kind of mirroring psychological bullshit that I learned about in BUDS.
“As long as she wants to be. For now, she feels like she’s in a safe place.
” The doctor softly puts her hand on my shoulder and tilts her head in understanding.
“I know you’re upset,” she looks at each of us, “I can tell you are all upset. Marley can feel that, and even something as small as concern or fear, for her state of mind, can feel like too much for her right now.”
Pulling away from her hand, I link my fingers behind my neck and turn in a circle.
Fuck! My eyes land on Mason, who is standing across from me with his arms crossed over his chest. One hand is tucked under the opposite arm and the other is cocked up, cupping his chin.
His eyes are trained on the floor, worry in every line on his face.
“What do we do, doctor?” Gray asks from his spot against the wall.
“Be patient. Talk to her, try to make her feel safe and normal. She’s there, but she’s just taking a break right now. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but this is quite normal for this type of trauma.”
I know psychiatrists are trained to be calm and to use a soothing tone of voice, but her level of warm, calm is pissing me off every time she opens her mouth. I have to turn away before I say something I shouldn’t.
I’ve been away from her side long enough.
Back in the little room they have her in, it’s quiet. The curtain in front of the sliding glass door to the room is keeping the light dim. Marley is still staring at the wall, a bandage is on her cheek to cover the sutures. I lean over her to kiss her temple.
Pulling the ugly faux leather chair from the corner, I sit next to her bed and take her smaller fingers in mine. “I’m here, lepa. You may not want to talk right now, but I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”
The most heartbreaking thing to happen to me since I was twelve happened right then. She pulled her hand from mine and rolled onto her other side, to face away from me.
It took nearly the entire day to get Marley discharged and back to the ranch. Kinley, Sloane, Elly, and Breanna were waiting for us. Callum flew them back after a phone call from Mason after we got to the hospital.
I carried her into the house to her room, the room I just spent the last few nights with her. Jesus, fuck, it feels like a lifetime ago.
As soon as the girls saw the dried blood in her hair, they took her from me and pushed me from the room so they could get her in the shower and clean her up. Being away from her feels wrong.
“Jax.” I hear Gray call from the top of the stairs. I’m sitting outside her door, listening to the mumblings of the girls on the other side as my heart squeezes in my chest. I look up and he tilts his head to the bottom of the stairs. “Come talk with us.”
Dimitri and Vasilei are at the bottom of the stairs with their guys and a small part of me feels bad because I mostly forgot about them.
Dimitri steps forward when I step off the bottom step and speaks in our language.
“I have to get home.” His face warms as he says, “My wife is pregnant. It’s still early, so she is sick a lot, I need to be there for her. ”
Any other time, I would be happy for him, but right now all I can muster is a is a smile. “Congratulations, cousin.” I grab his shoulder and pull him into me for a hug, this time he doesn’t resist.
He mumbles in my ear. “Let me know when the wedding is, da?”
All I can do is nod.
Vasilei is next to him and pulls me into a hug. “Brana, she will be fine, in time. Just let me know when the wedding is and I’ll be here to dance with the bride.” His shit-eating grin takes over his face. “Or one of her sisters.”
Pulling away, I give him a half smile. “You have to get through the brothers first.” He only laughs and winks. I take a step back. “Thank you, for everything.”
They both nod. “If you ever need anything, just call,” Vasilei says.
Mr. Harlow, Mason, and Gray are in the office and I take my usual place by the window. My attention goes to the stable and paddock I’m used to watching and it feels wrong that Marley’s not there with her horses.
In the distance, I hear Gray talking through the details of how they will take care of her horses and keeping everything together so she doesn’t feel overwhelmed when she comes back to us.
To me.
“Jax, are you going to stick around?” Gray pulls me out of my stupor.
I’m not sure if he’s testing my dedication to his sister or trying to push me out, but now is not the time for him to push me in any direction. Without moving, trying to keep calm, I turn my head just enough to look at him.
“Why the fuck would I not stick around? I’m not leaving her.”
He’s on the other side of the room, leaning against the door in his usual spot, with the desk and Mr. Harlow between us.
Mason is on the other side of the large picture window that I’m leaning against, but in my peripheral, I see him tense.
He’s preparing to intervene, I’ve seen that stance a hundred times.
“She’s not well right now,” Gray growls.
Pushing off the windowpane, I face him and square up. “All the more reason for me to be here. What do you think you are doing right now?” I’m so pissed that I think I’m mixing English and Serbian as I talk.
Mr. Harlow stands and pivots to be between us and holds a palm up to each of us.
“Now, hold on. This is not the time for a fucking pissin’ match.
” He turns to me and says, “No one expects you to leave, Jax. Marley wants you here, she’s told us that ten times.
” Then he turns to Gray. “You need to turn it down a notch. I know you are used to being in charge and being out of control and scared for her is throwing you into a tailspin. But, think about how Marley will feel if you stay on this path. Is this the hill you want to be on right now?”
Gray hangs a hand on his hip and pinches the bridge of his nose with the other as he looks at the floor.
Trying to look as non-threatening as possible, I’m not sure if I’m succeeding, I step around the desk and walk up to him.
I feel Mason on my back and Mr. Harlow’s chair moves across the floor when he hastily pushes it out of the way.
Stepping up to him to let him know I’ll go toe to toe with him any day, he lowers his hands to his sides and we lock eyes. “I love her. I’m not leaving her. When she feels better, I’m going to ask her to marry me. Fucking like it or not, I don’t give a shit, but you better fucking accept it.”
I open the door and go right to her room.
The bedroom door is open and I see Kinley sitting on the bed next to her, holding her hand.
Marley’s hair is still wet and laying across the pillow, but what hurts is that I see her fingers curled around Kinley’s hand.
I can’t see her face because she’s curled on her side, turned away from me, so I can’t see if she still has the unfocused gaze.
Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I pray to whatever entity is out there that she doesn’t reject me. She can push me away all she wants, I will come back every time. But if she rejects me, consciously makes the decision that she doesn’t want me in her life, I don’t know what I’ll fucking do.
Kinley looks up at me and says, “Jax is here to see you. I’m going to let him sit with your for a minute.” She gets up and walks around the bed to the door.
“Is she responding?” I ask.
Shaking her head with a tight, forced smile, she continues to walk down the hall.
I walk into the room and the smell of coconut and vanilla drifts into my nose and the lump in my throat gets bigger. But being this close to her is making me feel calmer on the inside, everything about her soothes me.
She looks so small and doesn’t move as I walk around the bed, her beautiful blue eyes are fixed on the window. Someone has opened the blinds and the birds singing in the trees are loud.
A piece of hair is laying across her temple and I softly slide it away with my finger. I still remember the day she first let me do that. She let me touch her.
I decide I want to try something and say, “Remember that day in front of the fireplace during the ice storm? That was the first time you let me touch you. It was one of the best days of my life.”
Leaning over her, I press my lips to the same temple and pause, enjoying the feel of her skin on my lips.
“I’ve never told you this, but that first time I met you, when Callum told me it took him visiting the ranch a few times before you got used to him, I made a plan in my head.
I started coming here to see you, so you would get used to me.
When you danced with me at the wedding and you forgot all about the people around us during our conversation,” I pick up her hand and lower my head to kiss the back of it.
“I was the happiest man in the damn world.”
Holding her hand in mine, hoping she will hold my hand back, I kneel next to the bed. “Lepa, please look at me.” I set my hand on her shoulder, hoping for some kind of reaction, but it’s like I’m not here.
Fuck, I would even take her shying away from me over this.
Laying her hand on my palm and covering it with my other, I lean on the bed closer to her.
“Did you know the French don’t say ‘I miss you’?
They say ‘tu me manques’. It means you are missing from me.
” I stroke the back of her hand with my thumb.
“That is how I feel every minute you are away from me, ljubavi moja. [my love] You are missing from me, lepa. And I don’t want to live without you. ”
She still doesn’t move. My heart sinks further every minute those beautiful blue eyes don’t look at me.
Maybe I should just be happy she hasn’t pulled away from me.
Lifting her hand to kiss the backs of her fingers, I hold her soft, warm skin to my lips before I set it back down and cup it between mine. “That’s okay, you don’t have to talk right now. I’ll be here waiting for you, I will wait as long as it takes.”