Chapter Thirty-Four
JAX
IT’S AFTER midnight, and I needed to get out of the house. I spent the entire day either sitting next to Marley’s bed or sitting outside her room when the girls kicked me out.
“The tree frogs are loud tonight.” Mr. Harlow says as he sits next to me in one of the wicker chairs on the porch that overlooks Marley’s stables.
I grunt in reply.
I’m tired.
Sleep has not been my friend for two days. I tried to get some shut-eye last night after Marley’s breathing evened out and I knew she was asleep, but I just lay there on my pallet in the floor wondering what I can do to help her.
But it’s not just physical exhaustion, my heart has been in misery since they took her from me.
Even though we got her back, I don’t know what’s going to happen, my biggest fear is that she will push me away.
For days I have felt like I’m standing on a precipice into a hell that I won’t be able to get out of.
She lets me hold her hand, but she still won’t acknowledge me. She lets the girls shower her and feed her, but her eyes stay trained on the window once she gets back in the bed.
He’s quiet for a few moments. A cricket near us somewhere sings its high-pitched song that crescendos and then dies off before it does it again.
The deep breath he sucks in is slow, and I realize I’ve never been alone with him before. Mr. Harlow doesn’t do anything by accident, the man plans everything. I’m pretty sure that Gray is a carbon copy of him.
I wonder what he wants to talk to me about.
“You know, when my wife died, I wondered how I was going to take care of six kids without her. Her goal was to have as many kids as her body would let her, she loved those kids with everything she had. When I took her to the emergency room that night, I thought she was sleeping when I broke down and asked God how I was supposed to have a family without her. She surprised me when I heard that small, tired voice say, ‘You’ll do what you have to do, you always do’. ”
He’s quiet again, and I hear him clear his throat that’s become clogged with emotion. For just a fleeting second, I try to imagine his pain, I wonder how I would feel if Marley passed from this world and left me here alone. It only lasted a second, I didn’t want to feel that torture.
“In the months following her death, it was all I could do just to get up for my daily routine.
I was too distraught at the time to give it too much attention, but I finally realized one day that our breakfast was still being made and dinner was on the table.
Some nights it may have just been peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but we ate.
“It was Marley. She knew what to do by watching her mama, and she took to bossing Gray and Mason so things got done. She mothered her brother and sisters and she tried to make home feel like home, even without its heart.”
I try to imagine a little Marley making sandwiches and taking care of her siblings. I’ve seen her be bossy with Kinley many times, and a few times with Tucker and Breanna when they’ve been home. Her maternal instincts are strong.
Having children was something I decided against a long time ago. I vowed never to bring a child into this cruel fucking world. But if Marley will have me, if she agrees to make a life, together, with me, I’ll give her as many children as she wants.
“Marley got the best of her mama and me. Her mama’s warmth, compassion, and quite a bit of the stubborn, and my drive to get things done, to make sure everyone is taken care of, are wrapped up in that girl. Taking care of everyone else is part of who she is.”
He turns his head to look at me, and I do the same. He pauses and says, “She needs to be reminded that everyone is here for her. She has her family, her horses,” he tips his head in my direction, “and you.”
It’s more than just words. He just gave me his blessing.
A scream from inside the house stops him in mid breath and I know it’s Marley. I’m up and out of my chair, faster than he can get up, and charge through the door and up the stairs.
She’s wound up in her blankets, crying and flailing. “Brana!” The way she says my name is laced with fear and desperation.
It breaks my fucking heart.
I sit on the bed and cup her face. “Lepa.”
Her temples are wet with tears and she tries to pull away from me, but I won’t let go. I cradle her head and softly say her name. “Marley.”
Her eyes fly open, and it takes her a second to focus on me and separate herself from the nightmare. When I see those beautiful blues become clear, she is actually looking at me, and I smile at her. “It was just a dream, ljubavi moja. [my love] I’m here.”
Behind me, in the hall, I hear footsteps. She woke the entire house and everyone came running.
She’s frozen and her eyes volley between mine, her hair is a tangled mess around her head, and then her face crumples and a sob chokes out.
It’s the first time she’s shown any emotion since before they took her.
Her warm, clammy fingers wrap around my wrists, the tips digging into my skin, holding on like I’m her only lifeline.
“Brana.” The sound is strangled and almost a moan of pain, and I swear to myself that she will never feel this way again.
“I’m here, lepa, and I’ll never leave your side again. You are safe.”
Her torso springs up, and she crashes into my chest, her hands aggressively fisting the t-shirt on my back and pulling the material taut. The tears and sobs come fast and loud, all I can do is hold her to me.
A sniffle comes from the hallway and I turn my head to see Kinley standing next to the door, her eyes are full of tears and her chin is wobbling as she watchers her sister fall apart.
Within seconds, Breanna steps up to her and they embrace, tears in their eyes as they watch the woman who has always been there for them break down.
I rarely think of my sister. When her angelic face pops into my mind, I try to push it away to avoid the guilt and pain that comes with all thoughts of her. But as I watch the two women in the hall comfort each other, I wonder what Niki would have been like had she lived.
Would she have the maternal instincts that Marley has? Or would she be independent like Kinley? Maybe she would be driven like Breanna. I’ll never know.
Marley’s hot tears are seeping through my shirt, and I rest my cheek on her head. I only had my cousins and, for a short time, my father and uncles as I grew up, but I imagine my family would have been like this one if the raid had never happened that day.
Mason wraps his sisters up from behind and he kisses them each on their heads before I hear him softly say, “Come on, let’s go to bed, Jax has this.”
His vote of confidence is another link to me and this family, and he makes eye contact briefly before he leads his sisters away.
The sobs are turning to squeaky hiccups as each one makes her twitch against me. I kiss her head and ask, “You want to lie down? I’ll stay with you.”
She nods and moves away from me, turning onto her side. I pat her arm and start to get up to take up my space on the floor, but she grabs my fingers and pulls me back to her. My heart flips in my chest and I lay down behind her, slipping my arm under her head.
A deep sigh of relief leaves my chest as I get comfortable with her body next to mine.
Where she should be.
“What can I do?” I whisper in her ear.
She’s quiet for the longest time, and I worry that she’s going to go back to not talking. In a soft whisper, she says, “Don’t leave me.”
“Ox, moja lepa devojko.” [Oh, my beautiful girl] The request is like a lance to my heart and I kiss her neck under her ear. “I couldn’t leave you if I tried. I’ll be with you through thick and thin, good and bad. I will pull both of us through. Together.”
She laces her fingers with mine that are resting on the bed in front of her. “I don’t want you to see me as broken.”
“You are not broken.” The statement is forceful.
“Every day, I see a woman who has overcome incredible odds, and you still get up and take care of your family and your horses. If you want to break into pieces every once in a while, I’ll be here to hold everything together, with my bare fucking hands if I have to. If you don’t give up, I won’t give up.”
There’s a tiny shake of her head. “I won’t. I promise.”