Chapter 35 Jake
THIRTY-FIVE
JAKE
Ileft my foreman Davis in charge and drove into town for Julia’s ultrasound appointment. I didn’t know if I’d be welcome or not, but I was going. I hoped it wouldn’t lead to another fight. I wanted to be a part of her pregnancy and see our child growing inside her.
It had been two weeks since our relationship had gone to hell in one conversation.
Since that day, I’d thrown myself into work.
At night, I’d drink too much whiskey, mostly in the barn or my bedroom.
Bad habits, I knew, but the days and nights felt heavy and hard.
Whiskey and work were my only reprieves.
I’d woken that morning feeling more positive.
If Julia was open to having me at the appointment, I’d take that as a first step toward rebuilding our friendship.
She’d said that friendship was all it would be between us, and I could accept that so long as we could find a way to coparent.
Being cut off from Julia was bad enough.
I couldn’t be cut off from my child as well.
Somewhere at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey a few nights back, I’d come to terms with our breakup. It was a fact I couldn’t change, so I would just have to get over her. She’d been so calm in the end. Her anger with me had disappeared, and there had only been sadness.
I replayed it over and over in my head, wishing I knew why that was. What had she realized in those moments? Would I be able to handle knowing? Maybe it was best not to ask.
When I reached the doctor’s office, I didn’t see Julia in the waiting room. The receptionist explained that she was already in the ultrasound room and showed me back. When I walked in, Julia was alone, sitting on the exam table.
“Jake,” she said. “I thought…I’m surprised to see you.” She gave me a tentative smile.
Just seeing her was like getting kicked in the chest by a horse.
Any notion that I was over her shattered instantly, and I confronted the truth that I’d been hiding from since I woke up this morning.
I hadn’t been in a better mood today because I was coming to terms with being without her.
My mood was entirely because I’d get to see her.
I was going to get to stand by her side, the place I’d imagined myself being in my dreams for the future.
“I hope it’s okay if I’m here,” I said, struggling to control my reaction to her. Showing her how I felt wouldn’t do me any good. “I can go if it makes you uncomfortable.” The last thing I wanted to do was walk out of that exam room, but if that was what she told me to do, I would.
“No, you should be here. I’m glad you are.” She didn’t get a chance to say more before the doctor came in.
“Oh, you got back together,” Dr. Somers exclaimed upon seeing the two of us, which had me wondering how she’d found out that we’d broken up.
The only folks who knew were my family. Caitlin had the same obstetrician—maybe she’d said something?
Hearing it come from folks I barely knew made it that much more real, and I didn’t like it one bit.
“No, no, we’re just friends,” Julia was quick to say, which was like salt in my open wounds. She must not be feeling what I was, despite the smile she’d given me. “Thanks for setting up these extra ultrasounds. I’ve been worried.”
“We’ll see what things look like today. My ultrasound tech is out, so if you’re okay with it, I’ll be doing the scans,” Dr. Somers said as she flipped on the ultrasound machine.
We both nodded in agreement. “You’re past the first trimester, so we’re out of the danger zone.
We’ll do additional scans as your pregnancy progresses just to make sure. Ready to get started?”
The doctor squirted gel onto Julia’s stomach and began to move the imaging device around, stopping periodically.
“Is everything okay?” Julia asked a few minutes later. I could hear her nervousness and wanted desperately to reach for her hand, to touch her in some way, but I held back.
“Everything is fine. Let me take a few measurements and then I’ll turn the screen so you can see.
” Slow seconds ticked by while we waited until she swiveled the monitor.
“Here we go.” She pointed to the screen.
“You can clearly see the head and the curve of the spine. One arm is tucked underneath, but I saw it from a different angle. The baby is healthy and right on target.”
I stared at the screen, amazed at the first glimpse of my child. The first one we saw during Julia’s initial prenatal appointment had been nothing more than a dark shadow. Now, I could even see the flutter of a heartbeat. It was a surreal feeling.
I looked at Julia, wanting to share the moment. Her eyes were glued to the monitor, but her face expressed her joy. It was all good to see, but it hurt, too, because it was a reminder of what I’d lost.
I’d lost her, and the chance to see her and my child every day. The desire to be with them both for the rest of our lives was overwhelming, and I had no idea how I would get past it.
“I’ll print some pictures for you and then send you an email with images and video attached. That way you can share with family and friends.” Dr. Somers tapped buttons on the keyboard and a printer whirred. “I’ll see you at your next appointment.”
A few minutes later, I walked out of the office with Julia. The days were getting cooler, and the nights longer, which was usually my favorite time of the year. I’d hardly noticed since I’d been so caught up in my own misery.
“Would you like to have lunch with me? We could go to Bite and Brew,” she said, zipping up her jacket.
I wanted to, wanted to stay with her for as long as I could, but that wouldn’t help me get over her and that was what I needed to do.
“I’m supposed to go to Brian’s,” I said by way of an excuse, “but thanks.”
“Oh.” She looked surprised at my refusal. “Sure. If anything changes with my appointments, I’ll let you know. Otherwise, you have the schedule.” She walked away toward her truck, leaving me standing in the parking lot, knowing I’d just blown an opportunity.
I needed to talk to somebody, and my brother was my best bet. Someone with a cool head was what I needed. So even though I’d made up the excuse about my brother expecting me, I drove the few blocks to Brian’s house and was glad to see his vehicle in the driveway with Cal’s truck parked at the curb.
Brian opened the front door before I reached it. “Saw you pull up. What are you doing in town this time of day? Something wrong?”
“No. I met Julia at an ultrasound appointment.” I pulled out the picture the doctor had given me from my pocket and showed it to him.
“Your kid looks just like mine,” Brian said as we walked through to his kitchen. He pulled an ultrasound image from the refrigerator to compare them. Caitlin and Brian’s baby was due about a month before mine and Julia’s.
“Guess so,” I said, looking between the images. Cal came over to look too.
“Still not sure what I’m looking at with these ultrasounds,” Cal muttered, and Brian glared at him.
“Can’t wait to see her.” Brian smoothed his finger over the picture before hanging it back up. “Is yours a girl or boy?”
“Doc didn’t say, and we didn’t ask. Before, Julia and I hadn’t decided whether we wanted to know. And now, we’re…”
“Barely speaking to each other,” Brian supplied.
“Yeah, something like that. It was okay between us today. Polite.” On the surface, it had been. Inside, I’d felt like shit.
“So why the glum face?” Brian asked.
I slumped down in a kitchen chair. “I don’t know how to get over her. I thought time would do it, but it hasn’t.”
“It’s only been a few weeks,” Brian said as both my brothers joined me at the table.
“Yeah, and I thought I was doing okay, but as soon as I laid eyes on her today…” I shook my head. “This falling in love stuff sucks.”
“Or it can be wonderful,” Cal pointed out. “Like all your Christmases combined into one.”
“Yeah, not helping, bro,” I told Cal. I needed a way to get over her, not continue to pine for something that could never be.
“You sure it’s too late to get her back? I heard the start of the argument, but I don’t know where it went from there. What if—”
“No, it’s too late,” I said, interrupting Brian. Since I knew I could admit anything to my twin, I went on, hoping it’d be the same with Cal. “She wanted me to say I was sorry about the mistakes I’d made, and I didn’t.”
“You weren’t sorry?” Brian asked.
“I am now.” A hundred times I’d wondered why I hadn’t swallowed my hurt and my pride and said the words she needed to hear. She’d given me a chance, and I’d blown it. “It’s over. All I can do now is support her through the pregnancy and do whatever I can to help raise the baby.”
“So you’re looking to be her friend?” Brian clarified, and I saw Cal wince.
I heard Julia’s voice in my head again, telling the doctor that we were just friends, and then asking me to lunch like we were old acquaintances who bumped into each other on the street.
“I’ll do anything for her, but I can’t see her a lot.
That’s too hard.” I hated admitting weakness to anyone, but I could with my brothers.
“Maybe you should make a list of things you could do for her from a distance,” Cal said. Brian grabbed for a pad of paper as Caitlin came into the kitchen.
“Hi, Jake,” she said.
“Caitlin, how are you doing?” I asked. Her stomach was rounded, and she bumped it into the table as she took a seat.
“I’m well, but you look like crap.” Caitlin scrutinized me.
“Maybe you can help us,” I suggested. Getting a woman’s point of view could be what I needed. “We’re trying to brainstorm ways for me to support Julia without actually seeing her.”
Caitlin gave me a doubtful look. “Okay, what do you have so far?” she asked. Brian held up the blank paper.
“I need something big, I think,” I said. “What if I hire someone to care for her animals during the rest of the pregnancy? She’s going to get to the point where she can’t muck out horse stalls.”
“I’ll put it on the list,” Brian said, writing. “You could help build her business. She told Sofia that she’s worried about that chain vet clinic taking clients from her. You could advertise on her behalf or talk up her clinic at the Cattlemen’s meeting like the Caffertys did with Declan.”
Declan almost lost everything when he accidentally opened his mouth around the wrong person.
Folks around here had long memories and some people still held a grudge long after Shannon—the person who’d been directly affected—had forgiven Declan.
It wouldn’t be like that with Julia. She didn’t need to prove her trustworthiness to anyone.
But still, everyone could use a boost sometimes, right?
“Yeah, that could work.” I liked that idea, since I so clearly remembered her saying that she needed the stud fees from Twister. Despite that, she’d returned the check I’d written to her, uncashed. I’d received it in the mail a few days ago.
“She mentioned she was worried about having a replacement vet while she was on maternity leave. I could check to see if she’d spoken to Declan about it yet and if he said no, then start the search for someone and pay their salary.”
“Guys?” Caitlin cut in and took the pen from Brian’s hand before he could write more.
“Those are all very, um, thoughtful ideas. They really are. It’s good that you’re looking for ways to help her.
But if you do any of those things, you’ll piss her off.
Don’t interfere with her business or her ranch.
Those are hers, and it’s not your place to go behind her back and make decisions for her.
If she asks for help, give it. Other than that, let her manage those. ”
I sat back in my seat. At first I was annoyed, but it didn’t take me long to realize that Caitlin was right. I’d see the gestures as helpful, but Julia would perceive them as interfering. “I don’t suppose you’ve got any ideas.”
“As a matter of fact, I do.” Caitlin was smiling. “Julia registered for baby items. Buy them for her. We know she wants those things, and she’s willing to let others purchase them, which is why she put them on the registry.”
“That seems too simple, like it’s the easy way out,” I said.
“It’s what she would want,” Caitlin insisted, leveling a look at me. “Isn’t that one of the issues the two of you had—that you didn’t listen when she told you how she felt or what she wanted?”
I nodded, realizing she was right. This was the same thing that Julia had brought up in our fight. I pulled out my phone. “She gave me access to the registry and her wish list. Should I just have the stuff shipped to her house?”
“No,” Caitlin said. “You want this to be personal. You deliver the items, even if that means just leaving them on her front porch.”
“She’s clever,” I said to my twin.
“I know—I’m a lucky man.” Brian was smiling at his future wife. I felt a pang of jealousy. I wouldn’t ever have what they did. The sad part was that I’d never known I wanted it until recently. I’d lost my chance, almost at the same time I’d realized how important it was to me.
“How about I make you boys some sandwiches while you shop?” Caitlin got up and moved toward the refrigerator, returning with cans of Coke for each of us.
“I’ll help you.” Brian stood.
“You can skip me,” Cal said rising from the stool. “I promised Amy I’d meet her for lunch.” He leaned over to kiss Caitlin on the cheek and shook both our hands. “I wish you all the luck. Reach out if there’s anything I can do to help.”
As Brian and Caitlin made lunch, I scanned the list and began putting items in my online shopping cart.
I’d have them shipped to my house and then take them to her place.
I’d go when she was unlikely to be home, but just being on her property would give me some hints that she was okay, some connection with her. It was the most I could hope for.
Before I left my brother’s house an hour later, Caitlin locked eyes with me.
“She’s going to appreciate this gesture, but there’s something more you have to do.
Talk to her. Texts, emails, whatever you can manage if you don’t want to have a face-to-face conversation, but open the lines of communication between the two of you. She needs that from you.”
My future sister-in-law was right, I realized as I drove back to my ranch. I had been trying to protect my own heart by not seeing Julia, but loving and supporting her meant that I had to understand her needs and put them first. That wouldn’t be possible if I was avoiding her.