Chapter 37 #2
Ender’s gaze drops to my lips. His eyes are ripe with longing.
My fingers curl in his thick hair, nails scraping his scalp.
A tortured groan escapes him before he lifts me from the chair, forcing me to wrap my thighs around his hips.
His mouth crashes into mine with a mix of fury and desperation.
My back hits the wall, knocking the breath from my lungs, but Ender’s tongue slips into my mouth, soothing the discomfort.
This feels different. It’s new in a way that I can’t describe.
Exhilarating and forbidden in equal measure, like we shouldn’t be doing this, but we are despite our best efforts, which is ridiculous because we’re about to get married.
There is nothing taboo about this. Ender’s hand slips into my loose hair.
I wore it down for him, because he finds me irresistible like this.
The thought is strange because I can’t recall him ever telling me that.
I just know it, in an instinctual way, as if our minds are fused.
She’s beautiful. So beautiful. Like the sun, my sun, all mine. My sunshine. Brightens my day.
He angles my head, deepening the kiss, fingers digging into my thigh possessively.
Did he speak those words? I think I heard it in my head, but it doesn’t matter. He probably whispered it in my ear. I’m drowning in this kiss. It is the best kiss ever.
It’s not real. Not real. It’s a lie. Hates me. She hates me. She hates me. Like father, like mother. Everyone hates me.
“Ender,” I breathe. “What’s wrong?”
I can’t tell what’s going on. Why can I hear him in my mind? That can’t be right. I blink hazily at him. This dress is strange. When did I pick it? Where did Mercy go?
“Say that you belong to me,” Ender begs. “Say it now.”
I’m lost in the anguished zeal in his eyes. He dips his head to kiss my neck, teeth sinking painfully into my flesh.
“Don’t leave marks.”
Mercy will freak out if I walk towards the High Justice, looking like a wild animal. Wait, the thoughts? Something is wrong, but I can’t tell what.
“I don’t think I feel well,” I say.
“Say what I told you to say.” He pulls back. “Hurry.”
The words are stuck in my throat. I’m afraid for some reason. He’s acting odd.
“Are you going to leave me at the altar?” I ask, my words are light, but my fear is evident in my words. “Because that would really suck.”
“No,” Ender says.
“Then why are you acting like this is goodbye?” I ask. “Why do you think I hate you?”
He leans his head down, forehead resting on mine.
“Everything is good here, because it always is,” he murmurs. “Everything always goes my way. I wish we could stay here forever.”
“What are you talking about?” I lift his face to study his eyes.
“Come on,” he says. “We can’t be late for our wedding.”
I open my mouth to speak to him, but the scene vanishes.
There is blood on my white dress. The altar is in ruins. Masked figures swarm the garden. Rebels. This is an attack. The High Justice is dead. His neck is twisted at a crooked angle.
I’m disoriented. My ears are ringing. I look across from me at the white chairs trimmed in violets, where the guests sit to witness the ceremony. Mercy lies in a slump, her silver dress stained in crimson.
“No,” I scream.
I race across the pathway, collapsing beside her. Her eyes are vacant, mouth parted in fear. I press my fingers to the wound, feeling the hot drip of her blood soak my palm.
“Ender,” I call hoarsely. “Ender!”
Ender appears beside me. I didn’t see him walk here. I didn’t see him arrive.
“Ender, make it stop,” I cry. “Help her.”
Chaos surrounds us as the Gifted and the rebels fight with their powers, shattering chairs and destroying the glass baubles and bouquets.
Mercy isn’t smiling or looking at me. My other half is not responding, and I don’t know how to fix it.
Everything hurts. It’s happening again. Someone I love is dying, and I can’t stop it.
“Ender, you have to save her.” I sob. “I can’t lose her. I can’t do this. Not again. Not again. Not again.”
I swore I would protect her, that I would keep her safe. I failed her just like I failed my mother. Why did I not use my powers to stop this? What is the use of them if I cannot save the ones I love?”
My heart is splintering. I can’t breathe. I think I’m dying, but it doesn’t matter. Death is preferable to losing the one person whose been with me from the start.
Ender cups my face, thumbs swiping away my tears.
“I’ll make it stop,” Ender promises. “I can’t do this to you. I can’t hurt you.”
My eyes shoot open, and I’m in the drill hall. Panic slices through me. The medic rushes to me and plunges a needle into my arm. My breathing eases, and the dizziness fades. The numbing feeling is gone, and I can move my limbs again.
“Where’s my sister?” I ask hoarsely. “Where is she?”
“You’re fine, Warrick,” Ender calls from above. “Return to your seat.”
“Pass,” Orion calls.
He looks suspicious that I survived.
I sit down beside Flint, confused.
“What happened?”
“You went under like everyone else. There was a moment where you started seizing like Rigel, we thought you were going to die,” Flint whispers. “And then you just woke up.”
I blink, entirely confused.
“My sister, she…she was dead. I felt it.”
“Vale’s mind games.” Rei squeezes my shoulder. “It wasn’t real.”
Flint is called up next, and I give him a shaky smile.
I didn’t resist his illusions. I didn’t even realize anything was wrong. I failed that test. I wasn’t supposed to wake up from it.
Ender’s eyes are focused on Flint. We need to talk when this ends. I need to know why he saved me.
My mind drifts to that kiss. A shock of desire slices through me. Why did he show me that? Why did he make me feel that?
I hate that a part of me knows what it is like to be wanted by Ender Vale. To be the source of his rabid hunger.
It felt wicked and divine, all at the same time.
Everyone’s eyes are haunted after the test. Flint looks terrible, and Rei hasn’t spoken a word since she woke up from the trance.
I wait patiently, arms folded across my chest, as everyone filters out of the room. I give my friends a tight-lipped smile, promising to catch up with them later.
Ender takes his time coming down the stairs, fingers running through his hair.
His biceps strain with the movement. I remember the weight of his body against mine, feel the ghost of his fingers digging into my flesh, and his teeth sinking into my throat.
I absently touch the spot where his mouth just lay.
“Class is over, Warrick,” he says. “In case that wasn’t obvious.”
“What was that?” I ask, in a raspy voice.
“Congrats, you passed.”
I grab his forearm, and he comes to a halt.
“Unhand me, Warrick,” he says darkly.
“I failed that test,” I say. “I want a redo.”
Ender takes a step forward, hovering menacingly over me.
“You want me back in there.” He taps my head. “You want more games.”
I shove him back, but he just steps forward.
“Or is it something else? Did you enjoy the first scene more than the last?” he taunts.
He is referring to the kiss. My cheeks burn at the assumption.
“It was a nightmare,” I blurt. “I hated every second of it.”
“Liar,” he whispers.
“That was for you to satisfy your own twisted curiosity,” I accuse. “Admit it! You wanted to know what it was like to kiss me.”
“That was a part of your test,” Ender says evenly. “Don’t read into it.”
“So you kissed Flint, too?” I demand. “Should I ask him?”
A vein ticks in his jaw.
“It worked,” he says. “You fell for it. You begged me to kiss you, and now you’re all out of sorts about it.”
“It wasn’t real,” I yell. “That wasn’t me.”
“I can only control the environment around you,” he says. “Plant false narratives and build the scene. You choose how to react. You could have walked away.”
Anger spreads through me like wildfire. He is smirking at me. Smirking. I want nothing more than to wipe that self-satisfied expression off his face.
“You’re enjoying this,” I say. “You sick monster.”
His smile drops. In the blink of an eye, his hand reaches out, catching my wrist and dragging me backward. I don’t get a second to catch my breath. He doesn’t stop until my back hits the stone wall beneath the observatory stairs, his body cages mine in, one arm braced beside my head.
“You need to learn when to shut up,” Ender hisses.
My pulse skids. He’s too close. The faint scent of night air clings to him, and my traitorous mind flashes to that moment in the illusion. His frame wrapped in black silk, his hands firm on my hips, his tongue tangled with mine.
“Get off me,” I say, even as my breath stutters.
His gaze drops to my mouth.
“Are you thinking about it?”
“No,” I lie.
“Do you want to know why I pulled you out?”
I don’t answer. I don’t think I want to know anymore.
“Because if I hadn’t, you would be dead.”
The air leaves my lungs in a sharp exhale. I knew I was dying. The others confirmed as much; they said I was seizing, and Orion looked at me like I had cheated.
My chest still feels tight and achy.
“The test is meant to fracture your mind. To turn your worst fears against you,” he says. “You broke before I could do any worse.”
My nails dig into my palms.
“I didn’t get a chance to fight,” I say, but I don’t believe the words. “You ended it too soon.”
I love Mercy. She is all I have left. I would not survive the loss of her. But I don’t want him to think I am weak.
Ender’s face is blank. I don’t know why I am pushing so hard to repeat that terrible test, but I feel uneasy at the thought of owing him anything. I’ve won every trial with my own merits, and this doesn’t sit well with me.
“You lost the right to a fair fight when you asked me to keep your mother out of it,” Ender says. “That test was rigged from the start.”
I look away from him, because he’s right. I weakened myself before him. I asked him to cut me some slack.
Ender tilts my chin.
“It’s one test, Warrick,” he says softly. “You can prove yourself in the next. I don’t think any less of you for it.”
“Yes, you do,” I whisper.
“I don’t,” he says. “Your love for those you care for is admirable. I envy it.”
“Would you fail that test?” I ask curiously. “If someone else did that to you?”
“Depends.”
“On what?”
His eyes remain on mine when he next speaks.
“On the person that they chose to use against me.”