CHAPTER 19
I stayed in the background, not trusting my emotions.
As the influencers settled in, the team embraced the plan and fell into their roles with ease.
Utterly on edge, I watched as they entertained them beautifully and I .
. . wore my corporate mask. It felt so alien, yet so familiar: muted responses and crafted smiles, swimming at the surface and never reaching deeper.
How could I have lived like this for so long in London?
After almost a month here, I realized I felt like I’d ripped off a Band-Aid that couldn’t be replaced, the wound below now healing after exposure to the realness of this place, as fresh and raw as the mountain air.
‘Are we going to the Cowboy Bar?’ Kendra asked, draped over the sofa arm nearest the fire, the huge hearth allowing for a small bonfire that lit the whole living area.
It was the largest, but somehow also the most cosy room at the ranch, rarely used day to day, when the kitchen and smaller seating area there was the focal point.
But for guests, with its deep, soft, tan leather sofas, throws and cushions, it was perfect.
‘Oh my God yes,’ Ashley mouthed, mid-way through filming Alix giving a room tour.
‘Are you a regular, Cole?’ Kendra asked, swirling the ice in her drink, looking up from under her eyelashes at him on the other side of the same sofa.
Ignoring it, swallowing down all feelings, I turned to Leo.
‘So, how’s New York?’ I asked, wondering if my fixed smile looked as fake as it felt.
‘It’s fun, I’m liking it,’ he answered, his own smile slow, curious. ‘But . . . I’ve got to ask, what’s going on? Kyle didn’t tell me why you were here and now he’s been sent packing to his hotel . . .’ He raised his eyebrows, holding up his hands as my expression changed.
I felt frozen, stuck between wanting to tell the truth and wanting to glaze over it all.
‘I needed a break. We’re having a break,’ I admitted, keeping my voice low. ‘I spent a lot of time here as a kid and it’s the first place that came to mind when I needed to feel safe somewhere, you know?’
He raised an eyebrow.
‘You and Kyle are having a break, or a break-up? Oh my God, this is huge, you guys are the hottest couple!’
His voice carried across the room during a lull in conversation, almost every head turning in his direction, including Cole’s.
I could feel the weight of his stare on the side of my face as my stomach dropped. The urge to be anywhere other than this conversation was overwhelming. How could I have been so stupid as to try and keep to innocent small talk with one of Kyle’s friends?
The choice felt impossible. Tell Leo it was totally over and risk him not helping the ranch, maybe somehow turning this weekend into making some kind of reconciliation happen; or hurting Cole.
‘I’m going to speak to Kyle tomorrow,’ I said, not giving a direct answer and shooting a look at Lil that begged her to take the attention away from me. ‘I guess we’ll see.’
He opened his mouth to ask more, just as Lil announced the itinerary for the next day and started to take orders for another round of drinks. Excusing myself before he could ask any more, I headed to my room, careful not to look at Cole as I did so.
‘Thanks again for inviting us,’ Kendra drawled as I reached the door, forcing me to turn back to look at her. ‘I think it’s going to be a fun weekend.’
She glanced at Cole, biting her lip as he looked back at her for a moment.
‘You’re welcome,’ I replied, feeling and hearing the steely corporate barrier rise once again. ‘Have a great day tomorrow, and I’ll join you all in the evening at the Cowboy Bar.’
As I left, I felt Cole’s eyes follow me out, right as Kendra launched into another story, demanding his attention. As I walked back to my room, I knew I had to make this work.
There was too much at stake.
Almost no sleep later, I overapplied my make-up in the morning, bemused that this had been my routine for so long before arriving here.
It felt like an age of dabbing and squinting, then styling my hair into something smooth and tamed.
I’d got used to my natural hair, letting the curls fall casually across my shoulders, but that wasn’t going to cut it at the Four Seasons.
I needed Kyle to see me as I had been, to say no to him as the version of myself he knew. His reaction last night had spoken volumes, and now I needed to make this conversation with him count. I’d willingly walk in there, make myself very clear and leave.
Even my clothes were London-coded, the things I’d been wearing when I arrived, making me feel entirely out of place. Everything felt uncomfortable, the jeans that’d cost a small fortune from some new designer label at Harvey Nics now paling in comparison with the fit of my Wranglers.
Grabbing the keys to Lil’s truck, as we’d agreed the previous night, I headed out. Waiting until everyone was prepping for their ride, loading up with supplies for a picnic, paid off. After last night, I decided keeping talking to a minimum was the best course of action.
As I drove past the corral, Cole and Jesse turned towards me, already mounted. Cole’s jaw was set and his eyes dark, calling something out to Lil as I passed. I knew he wouldn’t like what I was about to do, but I had to do it. Alone.
The lounge at the Four Seasons was busy, with early summer guests heading out for hikes, rides and trips up to Yellowstone. It only took a few seconds of surveying the area to see Kyle, talking to another tourist, the two of them mirroring each other’s confident swagger.
I approached slowly, waiting for Kyle to spot me from the corner of his eye.
‘Ah, Hugo – this is my girlfriend, Lottie. You won’t believe it, Lots – Hugo’s another old Etonian, works just up the road from your old place in the City. Anyway, good to see you – maybe a drink later?’
I nodded as Hugo offered a hello and goodbye, managing to avoid Kyle’s hand on my arm as he guided us towards some chairs near the tall window overlooking the mountains beyond.
With simmering rage, I sat opposite him, letting him order for me, knowing there was no point fighting the habit of a lifetime.
‘Kyle, I’m not your girlfriend,’ I began. ‘Flying all the way over here and then pretending nothing has changed is completely delusional.’
He eyed me for a moment, as though considering the best tactic to use, how to manage me.
‘Okay, okay. Look, here it is.’ His hands were open, eyes beseeching. ‘I won’t deny that I made a big mistake – a monumental fuck-up, okay? I’m not pretending about that at all. Total honesty from me, all right?’
I folded my arms, keeping my lips clamped shut. The only fuck-up had been on my part, thinking that we were ever right for each other. Compared to how I felt now, to what Cole had shown me, my relationship with Kyle had been exposed in all of its ugly true colours. A surface-level nothing.
‘But no one is perfect. Everything we had was so good, Lots, you can’t deny that? It’s our one-year anniversary in a few weeks. That means something. I mean, Christ, I’ve never been with the same person for that long.’
‘You weren’t,’ I replied, unable to help myself. ‘You were with me and her.’
Our drinks arrived and he made a ridiculous show of over-tipping, the waiter falling over himself to thank him before leaving.
‘The real question here isn’t about all of that,’ he said finally, sipping his coffee and grimacing.
‘God, Americans never know how to make real coffee, do they? Lottie, this is really about whether you’re willing to throw away everything we had for one silly mistake.
It’s bad enough that you got sacked, let alone creating all this mess with us. ’
I clenched my hands into fists, my knuckles aching as I forced myself to keep it together.
‘I didn’t get sacked, I got made redundant. Two different things.’
He shrugged.
‘Minor details,’ he replied. ‘Surely you don’t want to give up that easily on everything? On us? Lottie, I don’t want this to be it. We work well, me and you, everyone thinks so. I mean, God, even Mother sees it and she loathes everyone.’
And here we were, at the part I knew we’d reach eventually. The bit I’d imagined all too easily in those long hours awake last night, when I’d pretend to be talked round, start to go along with things like the good little girl he’d petted and bought for the best part of a wasted year.
Kyle would never willingly let go of something he felt he had a right to; it would need to be taken away, irretrievably.
So I’d figured there was only one way to play this out and not ruin the influencer weekend, much as I loathed the idea of it.
Leo was integral to the success of it all, and I didn’t want any of his focus on Kyle.
For now, I’d play the part of the wronged girlfriend, but be forgiving and grateful for Kyle’s efforts to win me back.
When they’d all gone, however, their experiences cemented and content secured, he would be officially dumped in no uncertain terms. I wasn’t sure how I wanted this to go yet; that probably needed another sleepless night to figure out.
The only part I couldn’t reconcile with this plan was the inevitable pain it would cause Cole.
It would be temporary, explained away in less than forty-eight hours, but it would be pain nevertheless.
It’d brought tears to the surface, imagining how he’d feel, thinking I’d gone back on my promise not to forgive Kyle.
I’d even toyed with telling him my plan, but I knew how perceptive Kyle could be, knew it had to appear real.
Cole was many wonderful things, but a poker-faced strategist wasn’t one of them.
‘We did work well,’ I said slowly, eyes downcast. ‘That’s why it hurt so much.’ I found his eyes, saw the sudden light of optimism sparking.