March 7, 1997 #2
He wasn’t lying about that because Angela was a poet who had written the lyrics for all their best songs.
Uncredited, of course, because he couldn’t very well tell the world he needed his little wifey to do his job for him for the past three albums. That would humiliate the guys and be supremely emasculating for Zane.
Besides, he liked to think they worked together on the lyrics.
It wasn’t quite true but believing it had been good for his ego.
And as an extraordinarily gifted performer who made women around the globe scream—a healthy ego is a necessity.
It was something few people would ever understand.
Only guys like Jagger and Presley and Lennon and Hendrix knew what it was like to be that big.
His world got lonelier by the day, even when he was goofing around the studio with his best friends, laying down tracks just for fun.
But then he met Sienna, and he felt connected to another human again.
The feeling was intoxicating. Undeniable. It was everything.
When Angela started up the aisle, she kept her gaze on the long strip of carpet that matched her butter yellow dress and the wide-brimmed hat that was squishing down her long blond hair.
She must be hating that hat right about now.
Not as much as she hated her husband, but still, it was an awful hat.
She was noticeably thinner than the night he packed a few things and left for New York to give her time to move out of their marital home in L.A.
His heart squeezed seeing her this way and he wished she could have fallen out of love with him first.
When she passed Sienna’s row, her head swiveled in her direction, almost as if it had happened against her will. Then she turned her hollowed-out eyes to him, and an entire silent conversation happened in a split second.
I’m sorry. I couldn’t help falling in love with her.
Sure you could’ve. Screw you. And screw her too.
By the time Angela reached the front and glided past them to take her spot, she was staring at the ground again, and Zane was back to stealing glances at Sienna, whose face was red with shame that should’ve been his to bear.
He longed to rush over so he could hold her in his arms and tell her as much.
She was his future. He’d announced it to her that morning when they were getting ready for the wedding. Sienna had been trying to get out of going, saying it was in bad taste for her to show up with poor Angela there. “What if she causes a scene?”
“She’s not the type to ruin Miriam’s day. She’s too nice to do that.”
“Oh, God, I’m not going. I can’t.”
But unable to stand the thought of facing this day alone, he asked her to marry him.
Right there, in the en suite, where she was sitting in front of a mirror putting on her make-up.
She laughed and told him he was crazy and that he wasn’t even divorced yet.
So, Zane got down on one knee next to her and gestured for her to turn to face him.
When she did, he placed his hands on her waist. “Seriously, Sienna. I love you so much it’s like a physical pain when we’re apart.
I can’t even take a full breath. And it’s the craziest thing because your beauty takes my breath away, but then you give it right back to me again.
Help me breathe, Sienna. I need you. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. And I never will again. Marry me.”
Her eyes filled with tears, and she nodded.
Lowering her head, she kissed him, carefully, sweetly, like she would on their wedding day at the front of a church filled with people.
She whispered, “Yes,” and they kissed some more, and he wiped away the streaks of happiness from her cheeks and his entire body filled with a hum of joy that he’d never known in all his twenty-nine years.
And he slid her silk robe off her body and kissed his way down from her neck to her lean stomach and beyond, and they made love slowly, passionately, on the tile floor.
After they’d both come undone, they panted and smiled and caressed each other.
Sienna’s smile was replaced by fear. “Promise me you’ll never leave me. ”
He did. Then he made her do the same. And it felt like they were already joined in an unbreakable union.
The rest would be a formality. Zane was ready take his rightful place as the most famous man in rock ‘n’ roll history, and he found a proper queen to stand next to him.
Nothing mattered more that day than making her happy, and nothing ever would.
Forever and ever. Amen. So long as he didn’t fuck it all up.
But he had fucked it all up. For all of them.
And as he sat at the Dwyer’s kitchen table, he could tell they all thought so, even though they didn’t even know the half of it.
And as he sped down the freeway away from their house, the comet followed Zane out his driver’s side window, taunting him.
It was visible now every time the night sky was clear, a constant reminder of the choices he made that led them to where they were.
When he finally pulled into the garage, he held up his middle finger until the door was fully closed.
Once inside, he had a glass of red wine, then called his wife, saying a silent prayer that she would answer the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey, how’s it going?” he asked, his heart aching at the sound of her voice.
“Hectic. I just got Poppy into bed and Parker has a history essay due tomorrow that he hasn’t started yet, and instead of working on it, he’s been playing Super Mario.”
“Damn, I wish I was there so I could help.”
“No, you don’t.”
He chuckled. “Okay, fair. But if I was, I would definitely step in and get him going.”
Her voice was brisk. “What do you need, Zane?”
“Nothing, I just … missed you.” He stared at the blank wall next to the kitchen table, suddenly longing to be back at his real home with art on the walls and his wife and children nearby. Hell, he even missed the dog. “I spent the day at Kitty and Rusty’s.”
“Oh, how is Kitty? I haven’t heard from her in months.”
“She’s the same as ever. Do you want me to get her to call you?”
“God, no. But it would’ve been nice if she had bothered to phone after you told them you moved out,” Sienna answered. “Whatever. I suppose it shouldn’t come as a surprise. She’s always been about the band.”
“You think so?”
“As much as I hate to admit it, yes,” she said. “Anyway, that’s not why you called.”
“We spent most of the day going through old photos for the concert.”
“Sounds rough.”
“Yeah, it was.”
He waited a beat, and when she didn’t swoop in to soothe him, he went on. “It forced me to think about a lot of things, including what an asshole I was to bring you to Steven’s wedding. I’m wondering if that was the moment.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The moment, you know? When I crossed over. I wasn’t always like this.”
She yawned. “Like what?”
“Self-absorbed.” Restlessness overtook him, and he walked over to the small window above the kitchen sink. “Steven’s still pissed about it. In a weird way, I think he might blame me for his marriage breaking up.”
“That’s ridiculous. You weren’t part of their marriage.”
“But maybe I got it started off on the wrong foot, you know?”
“That’s not how marriage works.”
“I guess not. Anyway, I wanted to apologize for doing that. It must have sucked for you.”
“I could’ve said no.”
He heard a firetruck siren in the distance and decided to come out with the real reason he called. “Am I a bad person?”
Sienna paused long enough for him to know the truth. “No, but sometimes you do bad things.”
“What’s the difference?”
“You’re an artist. I think it means your feelings are bigger than regular people’s. You were so in love with me that you said you might die if I didn’t go to the wedding with you.”
“That sounds like a convenient excuse. What if I just didn’t give a shit about Steven? Or worse, what if I was testing to see what I could get away with?”
“Do you think that’s what you were doing?”
“Maybe. I hope not.”
He heard Poppy’s voice in the background, and Sienna made a tsking sound. “What are you doing out of bed, Little Miss? It’s nearly nine o’clock.”
Zane couldn’t hear Poppy’s answer, but he knew what would come next. His wife was busy, and she’d given him all the time she could. Zane beat her to the punch. “I’ll let you go. You’re needed there.”
“I better. Listen, the thing is, what you did in the past is a lot less important than what you’re going to do in the future,” she said. “If you decide to do better, you can.”
Tears stung the backs of his eyes. “Thank you. I needed to hear that. I love you.”
“Yup, bye.”
SIENNA
Sienna stood under the spray of hot water.
It was late, and she was exhausted from a long evening of parenting.
After far too much cajoling and arguing, she wound up writing half of Parker’s essay on the Industrial Revolution, finally getting him off to bed at eleven.
He’d be a bear in the morning but so be it.
She was more frustrated than she usually would be, and it took her a while to realize why.
Zane’s phone call. Kitty came to mind first. How she’d completely dropped Sienna as soon as Zane moved out.
She didn’t know the real reason, obviously, and she didn’t know if they’d get back together.
But Kitty had drawn a line in the sand. She was with Zane all the way.
And it hurt like hell to discover she meant nothing to her after twenty years of friendship.