Chapter 9 #2
He puts the car in park and turns the ignition off.
I hand him the bag and take a few sips from my drink.
He hands me my tacos and places the bag in the middle so I can grab sauce and limes.
The lady sure was generous, she wasn’t messing around with the extra red sauce.
I pour some sauce and squeeze a lime over my taco then take a bite and instantly relax. “Wow this is amazing.”
“Yeah, its the best place in the area, plus they’re always open late,” he tells me.
We sit and eat our food taking in the view, until I break the silence.
“Do you ever feel like… no matter how many people are around, you’re still alone?” That’s a bit deep Stassi, sober self is going to have a serious talk with me in the morning. I take another sip from my drink.
“Yeah,” he responds, not missing a beat, “all the time.”
He catches me by surprise, I wasn’t expecting such a raw answer from him. I was just thinking out loud.
“Sometimes I wonder if it’s all worth it,” I continue, “and other times I feel like packing a small bag and moving to a small town in Colorado. Not telling a soul, just me, in a new place where no one knows me.”
“Colorado, huh?” his eyes are on mine.
“Where are we?” I ask trying to change the subject and steer it away from me.
“Behind the school, I found this place my first year here and its kind of become my little secret. I like to come here when I need to clear my head. Thought maybe you might need that right now, and it might help you sober up a little bit.”
“You’re staring,” I tell him, trying to avert his gaze.
“I am. I want to know more about you, whats your story?” he asks me.
Why though, why does he want to know me? I’m just Stassi. Without her mom, with a father that hates her. With the man she never confessed her feelings for gone. I’m no one special.
“There’s not much to it.” I look out the window, but I can still feel his eyes on me.
“I think there is,” he’s quiet for a beat. “I think there’s a lot more to you, a lot you don’t say. What are you scared of?”
I’m scared of the loud voices in my head. The one telling me I’m not good enough.The one that tells me to hurt myself, because at least then I’m the one in control of my pain. That what Jason said is true. That it’s all my fault because it is. But of course I don’t say any of that.
We sit there in silence staring at each other. His eyes drift down and I follow his gaze. My skirt rode up, leaving me exposed, lace peeking through. My cheeks flush and I place my hands down to cover myself. He reaches over and tucks a stray hair behind my ear. The move is slow and sensual.
“Why do you do it?”
“Do what?” I ask him.
“Why do you drink like you’re trying to forget? Like you’re running from something?”
I pause, “Because maybe I am.” I lean in to his touch.
Suddenly the air between us feels thick, the space too small.
He’s so close now, our lips almost touching.
I want him to kiss me. But I don’t move and neither does he.
So close, yet so far. He pulls back, starts the car again and we head back.
Five minutes later were pulling into the garage again.
“Come on, let’s get you inside, we’ll talk when you’re sober.
” I nod and let him guide me out of the car and back up to my room.
The next thing I know I’m in the dark with the covers over me, I’m no longer in my clothes, instead I have a Sum41 tee on. The same one he had on, and he’s gone. My eyes feel heavy.
I’m jolted awake, sweat down my neck. Another nightmare, because I’ll never be free from the torment. That night replays over and over again in my head. My arm throbs at the memory. I get the strangest feeling, as if someone were watching me, but as I scan the room, I find it empty.
I reach for my phone that's lying on my desk to check the time and notice that Eryx put it on the charger for me. I’ll have to thank him next time I see him.
I check the time, 4 am—great. No way I’m falling back asleep, my head is pounding from the drinks I had, my heart still beating fast from my dream.
I need a release. I know that I shouldn’t, but it's the only way I’ll be able to breathe.
I sit up and open the drawer to my nightstand in search of my happy pills.
Fleur has me on a mix of prescription drugs that's kept me sane these last few years. Adderall for ADHD, so a girl can focus her thoughts instead of the never-ending hamster wheel of thoughts I battle with. Bupropion ‘cause ya girl is depressy, and Ativan ‘cause I’m stressy with a sleeping problem. What she doesn’t know is that I pop those like altoids. Which is fitting given that’s where I keep them stored, my handy, dandy, altoid tin. I pop the lid and take two out.
Just two, that’s all I need. Then I’ll be able to sleep.
Fleur should be proud of me for only taking two instead of my usual three.
I don’t know when my fascination with the number three started.
Maybe because my mom was born on the third day, and it makes me think of her.
Maybe it's because that's how many times we rolled, or the number of times my father told me he loved me.
Or the coping exercise Fleur taught me, but I was stuck with the number. It was all mine now.
With how much I drank tonight, I don’t feel like waking up in the hospital tomorrow.
So tonight, just two pill. At least until the next time.
I grab my water bottle from my nightstand, place the pill in my mouth, tilt my head back, and swallow it down.
I feel my eyes get blurry as I let the effects of what I just took take over.
It's like a huge weight is lifting off my shoulders. I’ve been holding so much in, I thought being here would keep my mind occupied enough that I wouldn't still be thinking of that day. But then there are those strange texts I got. I don’t know who it is or how they know about Blackridge.
It has me spiraling, and it's had me hiding out the last few weeks. Going from class straight to my room. Ro and her sister, the only two I’ve talked to, they’ve been a lifesaver for me, bringing me food and my favorite snacks.
Then there’s Eryx, and the way he seems to be there, always watching me. But tonight he was so sweet. I actually had such a great time, for a moment, he let me forget. Even if he was prodding and trying to get answers out of me.
Hugging my knees to my chest, I place his shirt over them and put my head down in the collar.
Tears still in my eyes. I take in his scent, comforting.
As the world around me begins to fade, I swear I feel a hand caress my cheek and a whisper.
But before I can begin to process it, I fall back asleep.
“Спи, моя ворона. Я о тебе позабочусь.”