Chapter 47
ANASTASIA
Numb.
That’s what I feel as I lay in the dark space of my room right now. Everything I’ve known is one big fucking lie. I’ve mourned the ghost of my past, only for that ghost to be alive this entire time.
Not once did he try and reach out to me. Tell me he was okay. Tell me he was alive. That he didn’t die that night. He let me believe I had lost him forever.
For so long I blamed myself.
It was my fault we were running away.
It was my fault we were in that car.
My fault we stopped for gas there, even though we could have gone a bit further. But I needed snacks.
My fault.
My fault.
My fault.
I thought losing my mom was painful, then I lost him, and nothing else mattered. But this? This is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. This betrayal is bone deep, I feel it in my soul. Like vile sludge coursing through my veins, rotting me from the inside out.
It’s dark in here, I haven’t drawn the blinds since the week I’ve holed myself in here. Haven’t gone to classes or spoken to the girls. I told my professors I had a stomach bug, so I’ve been excused on that front.
My phones buzzes from my bedside table. I turn my head and glance at the red numbers across my alarm clock—01:37pm.
Depression is a parasite.
It latches on and drains you slowly, feeding on your light until you’re nothing more than a husk, a fading echo of who you used to be.
It doesn’t care about you, or your dreams.
It doesn’t care if you isolate yourself from everything you know, fall behind, disappear.
Depression doesn’t wait for you to wake up.
Depression is a sadist.
It thrives on your suffering.
It’s the voice in your head whispering, “Do it. Do it. Do it,” until the lie feels like truth.
Until you believe the only way to silence it is to disappear.
Until you let it win.
You don’t want to die, but you also don’t want to live. The blues take over and consume you. Have you believing it would be better if you weren’t around anymore. You’d be happier and you wouldn’t be a burden to anyone anymore.
The buzzing of my phone continues, like an annoying fly that keeps swarming around your ear.
Its probably Ro asking to get some coffee with her, or Shina trying to entice me with some hacking.
Even Caine tried reaching out, inviting me to the local market with Roman, promising Eryx would be nowhere in sight.
I know they are trying to make sure I’m okay, but I just want to be alone right now.
I have 30 missed calls, and a dozen unread texts from Eryx. A few from an unknown number I can only guess is Thoren. I don’t even care how he got my number. It doesn’t matter. I haven’t answered either one of them.
I’m almost out of my pills, so I’ll have to get that filled soon. I’m down to two from my 30 day supply, and I still have two weeks before the next refill is due, so explaining that will be fun.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
I hear a pounding at my door.
“Go! Away!”
Thud. Thud. Thud. The banging continues.
“If I open that door I’m stabbing whoever is on the other side.” I shout a proper warning.
Thud. Thud. Thud.
Ok, they asked for it. Can’t say I didn’t warn them.
I throw the covers off of me and roll to my side so I can sit up. I haven’t gotten up from this bed except to use the restroom so my head is pounding right now. Much like the incessant pounding at the door.
I slip on my slippers, wrap a blanket over my back and grab my switch blade—cause mama don’t play. I open the door ready to attack and stop, “Oh hey, what are you doing here?”
“Hey little stray,” then something pricks my neck before I can close the door. My switchblade drops from my hand.
“You—” then everything goes black.