53. A way through the mess
A WAY THROUGH THE MESS
Pablo was wearing Anton’s watch. He never did give it back.
But then Ursula hadn’t seen him since he took it.
She wondered what he’d said to Andi about it, because the inscription on the back made it obvious who it belonged to: ‘To Anton with love, Ursula.’ It had been a birthday present, back when she still believed they loved each other.
She knew how he’d explained his running away to Andi because Andi had in turn explained it to her.
It had all got too much for him, the loss of his great friend, Anton.
He’d just had to get away. So much so, he didn’t turn up until a week later.
According to Andi, it was the first time he’d disappeared like that.
It wasn’t the last. She never mentioned the watch and neither did Ursula, even though they could both see how the gift of it might look.
‘Made it here at last then, Ursula? Thought you’d never come.’ Pablo held his arms out as if he was calling her to him.
Ursula stayed where she was, the full width of the kitchen safely between them. ‘I see you still have the watch you stole.’
He looked at it as if he’d only just realised it was there. ‘Stole? You’re misremembering, Urs. You gave it to me after the funeral. I didn’t want to take it but you insisted. As a token of Anton’s affection for me, I think you said. I hear you’ve been upsetting, Esme.’
‘Your secret daughter.’
‘Not that secret.’
‘She’s a nasty little bully. Quite a chip off the old block.’
He made a show of wincing. ‘You haven’t changed. Still need the right man to loosen you up. I’d love to oblige but you’ve passed the best-before date, old girl.’
‘I can’t tell you how relieved I am that you won’t be trying to rape me again.’ She was trying to decide the fastest way to get to the safety of the others but he was already striding across the room and even though she was telling herself to run, her legs weren’t listening.
‘That’s quite an accusation, Ursula. You wanna watch what you’re saying.
’ He was almost on top of her now. Her legs finally woke up and she stepped back, realising too late that she was pressed against the worktop.
He leaned in and even though she knew it wasn’t there, she caught the smell of whisky and cheese on his breath.
All the times he’d been too close and too threatening flashed before her eyes and stopped at that last time.
The one moment he’d been building up to, until Samuel spoiled it for him.
But Samuel wasn’t here anymore, and Pablo was coming closer, puckering his lips up for a kiss.
This time she’d have to save herself. She filled her mouth and spat in his face.
It was enough to make him jump back and give her the space to dart around him.
But she wasn’t quick enough and he seized hold of her.
‘Get your hands off her.’ Andi was standing in the doorway.
Pablo let go of her. He rolled his eyes at Andi. ‘Sorry, babe, I just lost it. Fatherly instincts cut in. You shouldn’t have said those nasty things about Esme, Ursula. She can’t help the way she is.’
Andi’s face was a blank. ‘Esme’s waiting for you by the front door. We’ll help you carry her stuff out. Then the pair of you can fuck off.’
‘Charming. Don’t I even get a cup of tea?’
‘No you fucking don’t. They’re waiting for you.’
Don and the boys were in the hall with Esme. The reception they gave Pab was frosty and judging by his face, not what he’d been expecting. The only one pleased to see him was Esme who threw herself at him, conveniently forgetting that he’d lied to her about being in Spain.
They threw Esme’s things into Pab’s car. Esme got in without saying a word but she was still grinning from ear to ear. She’d got what she’d wished for. Pab had come to take her away. Ursula wondered how long it would be before she realised what a hollow wish it was.
Pab was trying to regain his position as a top bloke. He tried to talk to Brett about his grandad but Brett closed him down with no more than a few grunts and nods. Even Esteban moved away when he tried to pat him.
Andi took hold of Esteban’s collar and pulled him to her. ‘Time for you to go.’
‘See you soon, babe.’ Pab gave her a smile that Ursula had seen so many times before. In the past she’d watched Andi melt under it, but that didn’t look like it was going to happen today.
Andi returned it with a hard stare. ‘Let’s hope not.’
Pab shook his head and held his hand out to Don. ‘Look after her, mate. She’s precious.’
Don pushed his hands in his pockets so that Pab’s hand was left mid-air.
‘We’ll all look after her. That’s what people who care for you do, you see.
They don’t do the dirty on you and leave you broken-hearted and broke.
But you wouldn’t know that, would you, Pab?
Because there’s only one person you care about. ’
Pab put his palms up in front of him. ‘Whoa, steady on there, cowboy.’
Don put his arm around Andi. ‘I think you’d better leave, don’t you?’
Pab made a sound that came out like a puff of amused air. Nobody said another word to him as he got in the car. He switched on the engine and loud music blasted out all the way down to the road. And then the sight and sound of him was gone.
Ursula looked at Andi, trying to work out what she was thinking about the scene in the kitchen, but Andi had her eye on Don. Don slipped his arm off her shoulder. ‘Sorry about that. I got a bit carried away.’
Andi was still looking at him, frowning. ‘How did you know I was broke?’
Don shoved his hands back in his pockets. ‘Doesn’t take a genius. It’ll be all right, Andi. We’ll work it out.’
She gave him a peck on the cheek and went inside, unaware he’d just turned a bright shade of red. They followed her in and all stood in the hall as if uncertain what to do next. Andi made the first move. ‘I’m going for a lie down.’
‘Yeah, I’d better go and check on Mam and Howard,’ said Gareth.
‘I’ll make some lunch,’ said Don. ‘Want to give me a hand, Ursula?’
Don sounded the gong. They waited a while but Andi didn’t come down.
‘She’s probably sleeping. I’ll put some by for her,’ he said.
He was a good friend to her. They all were.
Except for Ursula, because she was starting to doubt her own credentials in that regard.
She couldn’t stop thinking about the way Andi had looked at her and Pab earlier.
She’d given them that look before and a few hours later, she’d asked Ursula if she was in love with him.
Ursula had kept the truth a secret to protect Andi but lately, she’d been wondering if the only person she’d been protecting was herself.
Lunch was over and Andi was still in her room. Don gave up waiting for her and announced he was going into town to get some groceries. Brett still had a couple of hours work to do so he went with him.
Ursula fed the lunch scraps to Esteban and started clearing up.
So much had happened today that her being with Howard seemed like weeks ago.
And yet it was only this morning that she’d walked back from the bothy feeling something other than guilt, regret, and fear.
Yes, fear. She could see it now. She’d been paralysed by it, and all because she’d been afraid of losing the few people left who she truly loved.
But then Andi had called and asked if Pab was with her and that fear had made her walk away from her nice safe routines and places.
She’d had to come because as much as she tried to hide from it, she knew what that question meant.
Andi believed she’d taken Pab from her. She was going to lose her oldest and dearest friend, the greatest and worst of all her fears.
And that was why Ursula was here in Am-nawr. Not to save Andi, but to save herself.
Andi came into the kitchen looking red-eyed and worn out. Ursula doubted she’d slept a wink. ‘Where is everybody?’
‘Don’s gone to get groceries and Brett’s gone back to work. He’s left some lunch out for you.’
‘I’m not hungry. Fancy a walk up the hill?
I’m ready to talk now.’ And there it was.
The look that spelled the end of their friendship.
Ursula had always believed Pab would be the one to break their bond at some point in the future, but she’d realised something today.
That bond had been at breaking point for a long time.
She’d just been postponing the inevitable.
Esteban ran back and forth ahead of them as they left the garden and climbed up the hill, past the bothy. ‘Tell me about you and Pab,’ said Andi.
‘There is no me and Pab. There never has been. I don’t even like him.’ She was being honest at last. There was nothing to lose now that she was sure their friendship was over.
‘The watch?’
‘He stole it on the day of Anton’s funeral.’
Andi stopped walking and looked straight at Ursula. ‘Is that when he tried to rape you?’
She had heard then. ‘Yes. It was in Anton’s office. I can’t say for sure if he’d have gone through with it. My friend, Samuel, stopped him before it went that far.’
‘When he came back a week later, he had a scab on his face, like a cut, and there was still some bruising. Was that Samuel?’
Ursula nodded.
‘There’s more isn’t there? Urs, I need to know everything.’
They were sitting in Gareth’s shelter at the top of the hill. Esteban lay just outside of it, keeping a steady watch on Andi, waiting for signs to jump up and lick away her tears again. But Andi looked like she was done with crying. ‘You should have told me.’
‘I didn’t think you’d believe me. You were so in love with him.’
‘You should still have told me.’
‘Yes. I should, but I was scared.’
‘Of him?’
‘Yes. And scared of losing you.’
Andi looked Ursula up and down and she was suddenly reminded of Priscilla Sweeting that time she came to get the measure of her. ‘We’d have found a way back, Urs. We always do.’
It was pointless telling her she didn’t want to risk it.
Andi probably wouldn’t understand. She’d always had much less at stake than Ursula.
But now that Ursula was about to lose her, she could ask a question she’d always wanted to ask.
‘We’ve never really talked about you and Pab.
I mean you knew all about me and Anton, but the only time you ever confided in me about Pab was that night you asked if I was having an affair with him. Why is that?’
Andi reached out to stroke Esteban. She was quiet for so long that Ursula thought she wasn’t going answer.
‘You remember I said Zak called me a doormat? It’s true.
I’ve forgiven Pab more times than I can remember.
I’ve stood by and let him ruin our lives over and over again.
And, every time, I’ve cleared up his crap and pretended it wasn’t happening.
That’s why I couldn’t talk to you about it.
Because if I told you, I’d have to admit it was real, and I couldn’t face that hurt and shame. ’
‘But it was me, Andi. You could have told me anything.’
Andi winced. ‘So could you. But you didn’t, did you?
Seems neither of us is great at sharing when it comes to Pab.
There’s another reason I didn’t tell you.
I thought the two of you had a thing. Obviously I know now that wasn’t true but he made it look that way.
He’s cruel like that. We could go to the police about what he did to you. ’
Ursula shook her head. ‘It’s too late. There’s no evidence and my star witness is dead. Do you think he might have done it to other women?’
‘I hope not. The others all seemed to be willing participants but I can’t say for sure. I can say you’re the only one he was infatuated by. You know, I feel like I’ve enabled it by letting him get away with so much.’
Ursula slipped her fingers between Andi’s. Maybe there was a way through this mess that meant they could still be friends. ‘I feel the same. I should have done something about it at the time.’
Andi screwed up her face and shook her head furiously.
‘Will you listen to us, blaming no one but ourselves. Let’s not do this, Urs.
This is not our fault. We’re not the guilty parties here.
’ She pushed herself up. ‘We should get back down the hill before Don sends out a search party. I hope he remembered to buy alcohol.’
Ursula scrambled up and caught up with her. ‘How long have you known he was in Crouch End?’
‘Only since I saw Jet when I was in London. He turned up at her flat last week.’ Her mouth broke into her usual cheeky grin. ‘My girl told him where to shove Crouch End.’
They walked back down the hill. Andi stopped at the bothy and stuck her head around the door. ‘By the way, how was the sex?’
‘Enlightening.’
Andi tipped her head back and laughed. They were friends again. Things were going to be all right. For now, anyway.