54. The right to be brave
THE RIGHT TO BE brAVE
Don had banked up the fire so much it was roaring and their faces were red with the heat.
If she’d been back in Birmingham, Ursula would have switched the heating off months ago but this house never seemed to warm up.
It was just the three of them tonight. They’d worked their way through two bottles of wine and were now opening a knock-off Bailey’s that Don had picked up because it was on special.
They were testing it for Christmas. Ursula was coming to realise that Christmas at Am-nawr was a big thing with a very long preparatory build up.
He poured them each a glass. ‘I think we deserve this, ladies. We’ve had quite a day. I don’t think I’ve had this much excitement since… Well, I don’t think I’ve ever had this much excitement, full stop. There you go.’
‘I’m not sure I’d call it excitement,’ said Andi. ‘But it’s definitely been one hell of a day.’
Don picked up his drink. ‘Okay then. We’ve had one hell of a day, and the cult of Pablo has been broken.’
‘The what?’ said Andi.
‘Megan thinks it’s like we’ve been living in a cult. The cult of Pablo,’ he said.
‘She does,’ confirmed Ursula.
‘Oh!’ Andi lifted her eyebrows. ‘Maybe she’s right. Well, cult no more. The king is dead. Long live the queen.’
‘The queen,’ said Don and Ursula together, then all three knocked back their drinks in one go before coughing their guts up.
‘That was a bit unwise,’ said Don.
Ursula’s eyes were watering. ‘Perhaps stick to the real thing for Christmas, Don. I think this one might be too much of a health risk.’
‘In that case we’d better finish the bottle off.’ Andi held out her glass for more. She saw Ursula frown and tutted. ‘Urs, you’re sixty-four, if you don't take a risk now you never will. After all the shit you’ve put up with over the years, I think you’ve earned the right to be brave.’
‘Maybe, but there’s brave and there’s stupid,’ said Ursula.
Andi grabbed the bottle. ‘Let’s be stupid then. We can be brave tomorrow.’
Ursula let Andi fill her glass and wondered if Anton could see her.
For all she knew, he could have other spying points besides the hill, other places to watch and wait for the confession he’d been hanging around for.
Because that could be the only reason he was still here.
Would it be stupid to do it now? Just come out with it.
Or would it be brave? She’d been brave once already today and it had turned out okay.
Perhaps she didn’t have to wait for tomorrow to try again. ‘I killed my husband.’
Don choked on his drink. Andi tutted at both of them. ‘Ignore her, he died of a heart attack.’
‘But if I hadn’t told him I was leaving. We had a fight. I pushed him. If I hadn’t walked out and left him–’
‘He’d have died anyway. You stood up to him. That wasn’t a bad thing. And it isn’t the reason Anton’s dead.’
‘Then why is he haunting me?’
‘He’s haunting you?’ said Don. ‘You mean like a ghost? We could do that Ouija thing and ask him.’
Andi let out a loud and heavy sigh. ‘We are not doing the Ouija thing. It’s not a ghost. It’s you, Urs. It has to be you. Something is making you think you’re seeing him.’
‘Maybe it’s because you think you killed him,’ said Don. ‘That would do it.’
Once again, Charlie Big Potatoes proved he was no respecter of people’s private space.
Ursula rolled out of bed and let him in through the window.
‘They have doors for this kind of thing, you know.’ She looked out to the hill.
It seemed the confession hadn’t done the trick.
But then, she hadn’t told them the full story.
Maybe he was waiting for that. Bloody Anton.
Always the fucking pedant. She stuck two fingers up at him.
‘Yes, Anton, I did get spectacularly drunk last night, so there.’
She crawled back into bed and let Charlie snuggle in under the duvet, but she was awake now and thinking about everything that had happened in the last two days.
She reminded herself of the wonderful release she’d experienced in the bothy when she and Howard had lost themselves in each other.
After that she’d felt something she hadn’t felt in a long time.
Strength. She’d needed it too. It had helped her stand up to Pablo and be honest with Andi.
She’d like to have that feeling again without having to rely on someone else for it like she always did.
All her life she’d had one crutch or another – her mum, Andi, Anton, Samuel, and maybe Howard too.
She needed to learn how to stand on her own two feet.
And she needed to set Andi free to let her rebuild her own life. But she couldn’t do that here.
Charlie’s sharp teeth bit into her big toe. She pulled back the duvet and glared at him. He gave her an innocent look in return. ‘Don’t give me that. You know what you’ve done. Come on, you monster, let’s get breakfast.’
She saw Andi in the library as she went past. She was taking the photos off the wall. Ursula went in to help her. ‘Making a change?’
‘It’s been a long time coming.’
She put her arm around Andi. ‘I need to go home.’
‘I know.’
‘I have to face him.’
‘The man who’s been dead six years?’
‘Yes. I’m trying to be brave. And you need some space to concentrate on yourself. You can’t do that while I’m here.’
Andi laid her head against Ursula’s shoulder. ‘I’m gonna miss you, mate.’
‘I’m not far away. If you need me, I’ll come,’ she said. And this time, she meant it.
Am-nawr’s driveway seemed to go on forever this morning. It had been a sad farewell to everyone, including her four-legged friends. Ursula had given Mr Big Potatoes and Esteban an extra-long cuddle. Charlie had dug his claws into her when he’d had enough, but Esteban had been far more polite.
As she drove onto the main road, she saw Howard walking towards her. She pulled over and waited for him. ‘I’m stopping off in Bala if you want a lift.’
‘I was actually coming to see you. Gareth told me you were leaving.’
‘It’s time I went home.’
‘Me too. I’m going back tomorrow. I wanted to ask about friendship. You said the other day.’
She held out her hand. ‘This is the hand of a friend.’
‘I’d like to take it. As a friend.’
‘Then you have it.’ She gave him her phone. ‘Send yourself a message from this, then we’ll have each other’s numbers.’
He did just that and handed it back to her. ‘I talked to Megan. I’m sorry it came out the way it did.’
‘That’s okay. I don’t like secrets anyway. I’ll speak to you soon. Take care of yourself, Howard.’
Megan was alone in the café. By the look of it, she’d only just opened up. ‘That’s you going home then, is it?’
‘For now, yes.’
‘You want coffee?’
Ursula shook her head. ‘I’m not stopping. I just wanted to see you before I went.’
Megan nodded. ‘You’re all right, Gareth and Howard have talked me to death over it. God knows why but they seem to think that will help me process it. Gareth’s very keen on me processing things lately.’
‘We didn’t intend to disrespect Dilys. We were both upset and it just happened. It helped us.’
‘That’s nice.’
‘Is it?’
Megan shrugged. ‘You coming back for Christmas?’
‘Andi’s asked me to.’
‘Make sure you do then. You never know, I might have processed by then. Take a scone with you for the journey. And some coffee. On the house.’
Her first stop was the allotments. She just reached her shed when a deep bark told her that Colonel was on his way. He lumbered up to her, his tail wagging, and she crouched down to hug him.
‘Do I get one of those?’ said Clyde.
‘You certainly do.’ She threw her arms around him. ‘It’s good to see you again. My allotment looks great. I’m not stopping long. I just wanted to see how things were going with Samuel’s plot.’
‘We haven’t touched it yet. Thought you might want to see it again first. Come and see us before you go. Come on, Colonel.’
Samuel’s plot was even more overgrown now that they were in the beginnings of summer.
Ursula sat in the old garden chair and closed her eyes.
A warm breeze touched her cheeks and she let herself believe it was his way of telling her he’d been waiting for her to come back to him.
She recalled another day like this, not so long ago, and a tear appeared from nowhere and trickled down her cheek.