CHAPTER 36
TWO HALVES OF A WHOLE
Of those that are victims of a Soulbond break, most submit to death within one cycle. Though the body endures, the will does not.
– Hale Medical Journal: The Limits of Magical Healing
Kara woke slowly, disorientated.
Sunlight streamed through the window – but the angle was wrong. Too high. Too warm. It wasn’t dawn-light. Not even morning-light.
It’s afternoon.
She rolled over to find Sebastian sitting up next to her in bed, his head in his hands, magic crackling across his knuckles. His sword leaned untouched against the wall, and his boots and tunic lay abandoned on the floor.
“Sebastian?” she whispered, afraid he might vanish if she spoke too loudly. Or rage. Or walk away again.
He lifted his head to look at her, and she studied his face. He’d slept. Not the restless, haunted half-hours she’d grown used to that always ended with him jerking awake, crimson sparking, but real sleep. Hours of it.
“You’re awake,” he said, voice rough.
“Yeah,” she said tentatively. “How long have we been asleep?”
“Half the day. It’s the afternoon already.”
She smiled. “Feels like half a year.”
He huffed a quiet laugh, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. When she looked closely, she saw the storm of emotion sitting behind them.
Oh, that’s not good.
“You slept too,” Kara said.
“I did,” he said, surprised.
“I’m glad.” She sat up with effort, her whole body stiff from sleep. “You were so tired I thought you’d drop on your feet.”
An awkward silence fell. Kara knew they were both replaying every word from last night.
She wanted nothing more than to hold him, to close this Godsforsaken distance between them.
But as she made to reach for him, he swung his legs off the bed and pulled on one of the fresh tunics that had been laid out.
A distraction, disguised as getting dressed.
Don’t run again.
“We don’t need to go anywhere, Sebastian.”
He turned to her, tunic still unlaced. “What do you mean?”
Kara glanced out of the window. “We have the Shards. We have our answer, even if you don’t like it. Draknor aren’t here yet. And Fatàn... they’ve shut the rest of the world out. No one who’s chasing us can reach us here.”
He didn’t say anything, but the unsettled look on his face told her enough. He felt trapped.
Sebastian looked down at his hands. “I need to apologise,” he said hoarsely. “For last night. For what I said to you about capturing me.”
She stayed quiet, watching him carefully.
“You have to know that I don’t hold that against you. Especially not after your trial. After the–”
The pyre.
His voice cracked. He couldn’t say it. But he still didn’t look at her. “There was no excuse for it, Kara. I was hurting and I wanted you to hurt too. Not because I doubt you. I don’t. Really. I–” He finally looked up at her. “I’m so sorry.”
Kara reached out, touched his shoulder. “I know you are,” she said. Her anger had evaporated overnight. “I forgive you.”
“Just like that?” He looked stunned.
“Yes. Just like that.” She gave him a small smile. “You were upset and you lashed out. I understand.”
He caught her hand, held it to his cheek. “Thank you.”
She leaned in, kissing him lightly on the lips. “You’re welcome.”
Kara looked to the half-eaten bread on the table. Exactly as she’d left it. He hadn’t taken a bite.
“You should eat,” she told him.
He nodded, moving to sit at the table, but still didn’t touch the food. He wore the expression she recognised – he was working up to saying something difficult. Something he didn’t want to say. So she didn’t push.
“I’ve killed so many people, Kara,” he said finally.
“You didn’t have a–”
“I heard everything you said last night, and I believe you, I do, but to bind you to me, after everything I’ve done... it isn’t fair. It isn’t right.”
“It feels right to me.”
He flinched. Actually flinched.
“You don’t know what you’re saying,” he said sharply. “Do you think I want my soul staining yours?”
“I’ve killed too, remember,” she said, as her hands knotted in her lap. “Do you judge me for it?”
He looked horrified. “What? No! Of course I don’t–”
“Then why,” she demanded, rising to her feet, “do you think your soul is stained, when you won’t call mine the same? You give me grace that you won’t give yourself. I know your soul. It’s good. Strong. And I’d be honoured to bind mine to it.”
There. I said it.
“Kara, you can’t mean–” He stood abruptly, moving as far away from her as he could get in the small room. “You’re wrong. You only think like this because of what you’ve been through.”
She shook her head fiercely. “No, that’s not true.” Kara stepped towards him, steady and sure. “And the Arcanth only answers a Soulbond. We can’t unite the Shards without–”
Sebastian cut over her. “I don’t care! I don’t care about whatever duty Fatàn think we have.
” His voice broke. “I’m wanted for execution, Kara.
We’re marching towards a war against Draknor that I don’t expect to survive.
And when I fall – when, not if – your soul breaks with me.
How is condemning you to that love? It’s the most selfish thing I could ever do.
You’d be destroyed. Forever. There’s no healing from losing a bondmate–”
“But this isn’t just about us,” she interrupted.
“Uniting the Shards gives us a fighting chance. Without the Arcanth united Draknor will win. I’ll die anyway.
They’ll kill all of us. I can’t let that happen.
I won’t lose you, Sebastian. The Soulbond doesn’t damn me, it’s the only thing that might keep us alive. That’s my choice.”
He closed his eyes at her words, his knuckles turning white where he gripped the table.
The gashes on them from last night split slightly – deep, painful.
She wanted to heal them but something told her it wasn’t the time to offer.
He looked up at her. It seemed like he wanted to argue, but nothing came out.
The little house fell quiet. Her father’s voice came back to her, warning her about Soulbonds. It felt like a lifetime ago:
You don’t share your life, you surrender it.
She inhaled deeply and repeated the same words she had said to him, only now with Sebastian before her, and the weight of her love behind them.
“I would like the chance to make the choice for myself.” She took another step towards him. “And I choose yes. I choose you. Not because of fire, or prophecy, or duty. Because I want you. Always.”
His eyes softened. She could see he wanted to believe her, wanted to accept the certainty she offered. But the doubt and fear snapped back in place, quick and defensive, like armour.
“You know a Soulbond is irreversible?” he asked.
Kara’s mouth curved, half-smile, half-challenge. “Well yes. The name does imply that.” She closed the distance and took his hand. “I’ve never been surer of anything in my life.”
“What if we try and your soul rejects mine?” he asked, his gaze burning. “Or you change your mind one day – realise you made a mistake with no way out?”
“It won’t,” she assured him. “I won’t.”
“You can’t know that!” He pulled away from her, crimson crackling. “No one can know that about forever!”
“Then bond with me,” she said fiercely. “You want to know if I’m certain? That my feelings will last? Once we’re bonded, you’ll feel it. You’ll know, beyond any doubt, that this is real.”
“Kara–”
“I mean it–” She grabbed his hand again, tighter this time. “–I’m not going anywhere. You’re mine, Sebastian. And I’m yours.”
Then the thought hit her. If he doubted her that much, if he couldn’t see how completely she belonged to him... maybe this wasn’t about the bond at all. Maybe it was about her.
Maybe he doesn’t want to be tied to me forever. Isn’t sure he’ll still want me in a month, or a year. Maybe he’s making excuses.
She let go of him, moved away half a step subconsciously. “Unless...” She hesitated but forced the words out anyway. She had to know. “Unless it’s me you’re unsure of. Your feelings about me? Is that it? Is that why you don’t–”
“Gods, Kara, no!” Crimson erupted up his arms as he caught her face in his hands. “Don’t you ever think that.” He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs. “I would have chosen you at the Arcalon,” he said roughly. “I wanted to. I tried to. But you pulled away. Got engaged.”
Her breath caught, remembering. She hadn’t wanted to. She’d wanted him.
“If you’d asked me that night by the apple trees, before all this, I’d have taken you to Thorne,” he told her, his gaze all fire and ice. “Demanded my father let you stay, tradition be damned. I’d have fought all of Hale if I’d had to. Even when I had no right to. I should have told you then.”
I wish you had.
His voice dropped. “And when I came back that night at the Ball, after we fought, it was because I couldn’t stay away. I was going to tell you everything. I hoped maybe if you knew exactly how I felt you’d...” He looked away.
Choose you?
“But then I heard you with Sienna. That you’d do your duty... and I had my answer.”
Kara’s heart broke a little. “So you left?”
He’d been so close. Just outside the door–
He nodded. “To Durent. I couldn’t–” He took a breath.
“I couldn’t watch you plan a wedding to someone else.
It was pathetic, really. You were right last night.
It had only been four days. The pressure on you with the engagement was ridiculous.
I know that. But Kara, I was already so far gone – I couldn’t get you out of my head.
And it hurt. To see you with Henry. More than I can say–”
“I’m sorry–” she began.
“Don’t be,” he said quickly. “I understand. I was no better, Kara. I ran instead of telling you the truth. Let my pride, my fear of rejection get in the way when I should have–” He broke off, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs.
“I should have tried harder. Fought for you. I know that now. Wanting you is the one thing I’ve never doubted.
Not for a single second.” Anger flashed across his face.
“I didn’t need Fatàn’s interference for that. ”