19. Vandal #2
I cry for the damage to my sight.
I cry for the nights I haven’t slept.
I cry out of fear that I’ll never get over this. That I don’t know how I’ll face the next fight.
And Havoc and Knox don’t let go.
Not even when my sobs turn to hiccups then to sharp intakes of breath as I try to catch it.
“You ready to talk?” Knox says finally, and I nod.
He steps back, and I’m embarrassed that I’ve made a mess of Knox’s chest. “Gimme a sec.”
He steps inside, and when he comes out, he’s wearing a clean T-shirt and is carrying a glass of water and some tissues. “Sit,” he says.
I take the chair. Knox takes the other one. Havoc plonks himself down on the deck, his back against the railings.
“Been a long time coming,” Knox says. “Feel better for letting it out?”
I lean forward, rest my elbows on my knees, and rub my face. “Don’t even know where to start.”
“Then just sit,” Knox says, leaning back in the chair. “Solved lots of problems just sitting here in the night air. Tell us in pieces. Doesn’t have to make sense.”
I do as he suggests. I take a few breaths and study the way the moon frosts the ripples on the water. It’s quiet out here. Real fucking quiet.
First time my heart has felt quiet for a long while.
“Think I’m fallin’ for Daisy. But I can’t. Not like this.” I look to Havoc. “You were right. I do know better than to bring this shit to the two of them. I’m giving Daisy your number, for if she has any problems.”
“I’ll make sure she has anything she needs,” Havoc says. “Same for the little one.”
I nod in thanks, then turn to Knox. “It scared me, what happened. And I don’t want you to think less of me because of it. You’re the closest thing to a father I’ve got. Would hate to see disappointment in your eyes.”
Knox swallows deeply. “We’re not gonna get through this if you make me cry too. But I’ve got your back, Gideon. I always have.”
The use of my real name hits different. Makes it personal. Not biker to biker or brother to brother. But Knox to Gideon.
Knox lights a cigarette before offering me one, but everything feels so raw that I can’t stand the idea. He takes a deep draw, then blows smoke into the night air. “What you went through would be enough to scare the shit out of anyone. Even me.”
“Can’t sleep because of dreams. Can’t sleep because of fear. Can’t sleep because I feel useless to the club.”
Knox nods. “Understandable. Is that why you’re drinking so much and popping pills like candy?”
“You knew about the pills?” I ask.
Knox raises an eyebrow. “You think Reaper doesn’t know the count of every pill in the infirmary? He’s saved your life a thousand times over.”
My eyes go wide at that. “He did? How?”
“Once he realized what you were stealing, he hid the real deal and put out a mix of placebo and reduced-strength tablets instead. You’re still doing more than you should, but not enough to kill you.”
“What? Why?”
“Would you have listened to me if I told you to stop?” he asks.
I shake my head.
Havoc twirls his lighter in between his fingers. “You sure as fuck didn’t listen to me when I told you to rein it in.”
“So, we tried something different,” Knox says. “Reaper replaced them because I told him to. The alcohol was full strength. You’d notice if it wasn’t. But I could at least help you with the pills. We’ve been cutting the dose for the last three weeks.”
“But I’m shaking.” I hold out my hands.
Havoc shrugs. “Is it withdrawal or addiction though?”
“You had no fucking right,” I say, but then I slump back in my seat. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”
Knox leans forward suddenly and grabs my knee. “We don’t say sorry. The only thing that matters is you come through this. Talking about it is the first step. And while I have a good ear that’s always open to you, I think you should talk to a professional.”
I shake my head at that. “Was thinking more like locking myself away for a week and going cold turkey.”
Knox takes a drag on his cigarette. “You know”—he blows a stream of smoke up into the air—“this is your show. If that’s how you want to do it, we try it.
But I’m telling you the club has your back, because no matter what stories you tell yourself, you won’t be fixed in a week.
Locking yourself in a room isn’t going to solve the fact you—what did you say?
—can’t sleep because of dreams. Can’t sleep because of fear.
Can’t sleep because you feel useless to the club.
You stop with the pills and the booze, those things will still be there. ”
The rattan chair creaks as I lean back in it, flop my head back, and put my forearm over my eyes. The pressure hurts a little, and there’s a whisper of suggestion that I should press harder. Anything other than take the overwhelming noise in my head that says Knox is right.
“What do you suggest?” I ask.
“You know Switch, the medic for New Jersey? He knows someone who specializes in PTSD. I think you get to the bottom of your feelings of what happened, a lot of things get solved.”
I open my eyes and look at them. “But what if I’ve lost my…nerve?”
Knox shakes his head. “It’s just a little buried right now.
You’re still the man you were before; you just danced a little closer to death than the rest of us have.
And if that helps you see the value of life, then that’s not a bad thing.
Club’ll pay for treatment. You got injured on club business, so don’t worry about the cost.”
“I need to sober up,” I admit.
“We could go on a ride,” Havoc suggests. “Leave now in the clothes we’re wearing. Every day, every hour until we’re so tired, we might fall asleep over our bikes. Then we’ll camp, far from anywhere. As long as it takes.”
Knox winces at that, and I see it. “We got plans that need you, brother. A day or two, maybe. But not longer.”
Havoc looks wretched. “Don’t make me choose, Knox.”
My heart already feels like it’s gone through a grinder tonight. “Knox is right. Losing both of us after the attack on the clubhouse is too much,” I say. “I’ll do this at the clubhouse. Hard and fast detox.”
Knox nods. “You’ll take Reaper’s help to do it safely.
I’m gonna put two people on the bar twenty-four seven.
You’re not getting served. And there’ll be a lock on the medical room by morning.
We’ll get you through this as a club, Van.
And me and Havoc will walk every step of it with you, side by side.