20. Daisy
DAISY
Vandal has been gone ten days.
I know because I’ve counted every single one of them, despite constantly trying to remind myself that no promises have been made. But it’s been ten nights without him walking into the bar or my apartment. Ten nights without a single reply.
I texted him. Twice. To see how he’s getting on.
He didn’t reply.
So, it’s been ten nights of me telling myself this was all for the best and trying to remind myself that if he doesn’t come back to me, it’s okay, because I don’t need a fixer-upper man in my life.
But how do you give up on a man who has been through what he’s been through, and who leaves you alone to get his head on straight because he thinks you matter enough to try?
How do I give up on a man who took his mess away from me to figure it out so I wouldn’t get hurt by the highs and lows of it?
And why now, after ten freaking days, do I feel like I bailed on some “for better or worse” deal when I barely know the man in question and we aren’t even close to marriage?
I thought he’d message. I thought he’d come back. I don’t even know if that night was a hallucination of good intention but then, in the cold light of day, he decided that Elsie and I are not worth the effort.
I even caved and messaged Havoc to see if he could tell me how Vandal is doing. But all he would say is that he’s giving this his all, but anything else was for Vandal to share.
“Can you take this tray to table eleven?” Annie asks.
Her words cut through my thoughts, and I plaster a smile on my face. “Of course.”
I grab the tray and make my way through the bar. “Three beers,” I say as I place them down, one in front of each of the three men. “Can I get you guys anything else?”
The man in the grey polo shirt shifts his ball cap, smoothes his hair back, then reaffixes his cap. “If you’re offering your number, I’ll take it.”
One of his buddies elbows him jovially, while the other laughs.
I point to the bill that has a line for a tip on it. “Twenty. That’s my number and you can write it right there.”
He has the good grace to smile, and on some level, I acknowledge the guy is attractive. But his muscles are a little, well, puny compared to Vandal’s. And my dreams now feature men of a much more muscular nature.
Plus, I get asked for my number every day. Same type of cheesy guy with a cheesy line. Sometimes they ask about why I’m not wearing a wedding band; sometimes they check out my finger and assume.
As I take the empty tray back to the bar, the door swings open. Since I saw the man with the tattoo, the swinging door has been the source of plenty heart drops. I keep expecting to see them everywhere I go. Around the grocery store aisle, at the gas station, and right here where I work.
While I look up, hoping it’s not them and wishing for Vandal’s return, it’s the second closest thing.
Knox leads Reaper, Lock, and Sunny in. All big men in denim and leather who command a kind of authority money can’t buy.
They exude confidence as they take their usual table.
“He’s not there, so you can stop staring,” Annie says.
My head swivels from their direction to the expensive liquor on the higher shelf. “I’m not staring, I’m working.”
Annie huffs but then gives me a knowing smile that makes me pick up a lime slice and throw it at her.
We’ve become friends over the last ten days.
Sure, at first, she was doing me a favor by giving me a job and generally being nice to me.
But one morning, when we were opening up and setting all the chairs to rights after the floor had been cleaned, I spilled my guts to her about how confused I am about Vandal.
Annie encouraged me to talk through the pros and cons, and when I’d finished, she told me to look up.
She’d written everything out on the chalkboard for keeping score next to the dartboard.
It was a rather unhelpful dead heat. But talking through the situation out loud with someone did feel better than bottling it up.
Maren has been helpful. She babysat two nights so I could work a last-minute evening shift for Annie. The extra couple of shifts, and the extra tips you get at night when people get more drunk and more generous, helped me pay down some of my credit card balance.
But I didn’t feel like I could share my fears with her the same way I could with Annie. I don’t know what she might report back to Knox.
As if he can read my mind, Knox changes course and walks toward me. “You doing okay, Daisy?” he asks.
“I am. How is he?”
Knox doesn’t need to ask me who. He simply places both hands on the bar and leans forward then back for a moment. “He’s in New Jersey.”
I don’t know why something burns in my chest at the thought he’s so far away. “New Jersey? Why?”
I look down at my hands, mainly because I don’t know what to do with the feelings that are swirling.
“He’s doing the work,” Knox says vaguely as Annie places a glass of beer in front of him. He tips his chin in thanks.
“How bad was it? Havoc won’t give me a straight answer.”
Knox glances over his shoulder to his men. “That’s because Vandal told everyone that we’re not to worry you.”
I smile sadly at that. “Sounds about right. Is that why he didn’t reply to my messages? He said he’d never lie to me.”
Knox turns to face me. “It’s been hard. Grim at times. Because cold turkey ain’t for the weak of heart, although Reaper had a plan that eased him into it a little. So, in a way, it was bad like it was always gonna be.”
“Is he at least doing better now?”
Knox sighs and then smiles. “Yeah. I sent him to New Jersey for a couple of days. Got some brothers up there who went through shit. Thought it might be a good distraction to go see them. Get some different experiences. Havoc went with him.”
“He didn’t tell me,” I say, but then realize it sounds like I care more than I do. “I mean, I’m not complaining. He hasn’t said a lot this week.”
Knox raises an eyebrow. “For the record, he said he was grateful you didn’t make it harder for him to deal with this.”
“And he’s right, he shouldn’t be worrying about me. Not right now. I’m sorry I’m giving mixed signals. I’m worried about him and want him to focus on getting better, but I’m also just a girl who kinda thought he might text.”
Knox smiles sadly. “He’s Van. Worrying about everyone else is easier for him than worrying about himself. He doesn’t know who he is right now because he’s lost a hold on that.”
“Does he seem…okay?”
Knox’s cut shifts over his shoulders as he cracks his neck to one side. “He’s been sleeping like shit. Got a lot of anger to work through. And he’s embarrassed he’s angry. But he’s holding onto hope.”
I pick at the corner of a beer mat. “Hope of what?”
“Not for me to say. I think a man’s hopes and dreams are the kind of shit he should reveal himself.”
The noise of the bar carries on around us. Glasses clink together. Rock music continues to play. Low voices carry at a grumble. And I want to ask a hundred more questions.
Is he eating right? Was his head hurting? Is his vision okay? Has he talked to anyone about what happened to him? Has he said my name? Has he asked about Elsie?
Instead, I asked the one thing that has been sitting in my chest for days. “Why are you looking out for us?”
Knox’s expression doesn’t change. “For you and Elsie?”
I release the beer mat. “Yes.”
“The easy answer is it’s because you needed looking out for.”
I give him a look. “You and I both know that that isn’t the answer.”
Knox has the audacity to chuckle. “It is from where I'm sitting.”
“It’s more than just that. Groceries have appeared at my door.”
He shrugs. “Useful things, groceries.”
“Sunny fixed the light over my front door.”
“Sunny can be useful too.”
I shake my head. “Maren babysat Elsie. Twice. By your account, you should be called the Useful Outlaws, not Iron ones.”
He takes a slow drink from his beer, then sets the glass down. “It’s because we take care of our own. And that’s what good neighbors do.”
The words settle around me quietly. “I’m not in the club.”
“No,” Knox says. “But Van is. And you’re one of the most important people Van has.”
I don’t have an answer for that.
Knox rests his forearms on the bar. “You’re not a job, Daisy. You’re not charity. No one is keeping a scorecard.” Something shifts in his face. Not pity. Thank God, because I hate pity. But understanding, maybe like he knows where I’m coming from before I have to say a word.
“Thank you.”
“The club isn’t always clean,” he says. “We’re not saints. Don’t put that on us. But when one of ours is trying to claw his way back to himself, we don’t leave the people he cares about standing alone.”
My throat tightens.
“And he cares about you,” Knox says. “He cares about Elsie. Anyone with eyes can see that.”
I look over to the table of bikers. The sight of them is becoming more and more familiar, and as I think about Knox’s words, I start to make a different portrait of them in my mind.
I’d always thought that motorcycle clubs were about organized crime and thuggery. That may be the stereotype, but the truth is much more complex.
Knox leans closer toward me and lowers his voice.
“We can dress this up anyway we want to, but we all know the reason he’s in New Jersey is because of you.
And I’m not putting that on you, because the reality is, he’s doing the work to get better and that’s all I care about.
You gave him a reason to want something different, and I’m always going to be grateful to you because of that. ”
It’s hard to respond because what blossoms inside me is the horrible ache of hope. “He's got a whole heap of reasons before me,” I say. “Havoc. The club. His mom.”
Knox smiles as though he can see straight through the naivety of my answer. "Sure, he has had people who loved him before you. But that's not the same thing as having a future he could picture.”
My fingers curl around the edge of the bar. “He can picture one with us?”
Knox doesn’t answer quickly, and the silence makes me apprehensive. “I think he’s trying to decide if he’s allowed to. So, when he gets back, I’m gonna ask you to handle him with grace.”
I stiffen, and Knox notices. “Don’t get me wrong,” he continues. “I’m not asking you to take any bullshit from him. I’m not asking you to excuse him if he hurts you, and I’m sure as hell not asking you to put Elsie second.”
“Good,” I say quickly. “Because I’ve made that mistake once, Knox, and I’m not doing it again.”
“Nobody would expect you to. But recovery isn’t pretty. He might come back raw. Quiet. Angry. Too close one minute and halfway out the door the next. He might not know what to do with you being kind to him.”
I let out of breath. “I’ll try to be careful.”
“I know you will.”
“I like him, Knox. And I’ve got more than a million reasons why I shouldn’t, but I do like him, more than is probably sensible.”
“When it comes to this life, sensible doesn’t usually get much of a vote. And I don’t have room to tell anyone who they should fall for given my fiancée’s father killed my brother.”
I put my hand on his arm as I think about what Maren had shared with me. “That's a lot to process.”
A smile returns to Knox’s face. “I wouldn't want anyone else but Maren. But it also means I don’t get to act like love is easy. So, while you’re deciding for yourself whether those million reasons you talked about could be put to one side for the sake of loving someone, I need you to understand something.
I already know the answer. And I know that he’s worth it. ”
Now it’s my turn to smile. “That’s quite a reference you just gave him.”
Knox sighs. “I hope you heed it. And I hope the two of you are happy, but you also need to know that there’s a caveat to every single thing I’ve said today: I won’t let anyone get in the way of him getting better.
And if this sounds like a warning, it’s because it is.
I won’t let the club or his pride or some ghost from his past or even you get in his way. ”
I should be offended, and maybe a piece of me is, but another part of me understands exactly what Knox is trying to tell me. That Vandal has dangerous people who would stand between him and anything in the world that was causing Vandal to hurt himself.
And that gives me more hope than I can express to Knox, because it tells me that Vandal is not alone.
“I’m not trying to get in the way, Knox. I can’t promise I won’t get scared. I can’t promise I’ll always know what he needs. I can’t promise I won’t mess up because there’s a high probability I will, but I’m not careless with people I care about.”
“No,” Knox says quietly. “I’m starting to see that.”
“But I will admit that the life you all lead scares me sometimes. And it’s the kind of life I’ve been exposed to before and didn’t come out on the winning side of.
” My voice catches on the last word, and I hate that it does, but I forced myself to keep going.
“If I decide no, it won’t be because of the man—it will be because of the life he leads. ”
Knox reaches for my arm and squeezes my bicep. “And he’s the man he is because of the life he leads. Just remember he so wanted to be the man for you, he went thousands of miles to speak with someone in New Jersey to learn how.”
My eyes burn at that. “I’ve missed him. So has Elsie.”
“And he’s missed you. But you won’t have much longer to wait to see him.”
Something trips inside my chest. “Why not?”
“Because he’s coming home tomorrow.”