Chapter 5
Lucien
There had to be a mistake, as if my longings combined with my guilt had caused me to hallucinate. I stared at the translucent image in front of me, shimmery through the slants of faded light tumbling through the window that illuminated the familiar silhouette of someone whose image I pictured daily even though I’d seen her only on rare occasions.
She can’t be real.
Yet the room contained the same sensation I’d always experienced whenever my fiancée had visited in the past—the anticipation that came from residing within the same walls rather than the usual kingdoms that separated us; even when in separate rooms, the corridors contained the promise that I could stumble upon her at any moment. My usually dormant heart pattered excitedly whenever fortune smiled kindly at me, a reaction that only occurred when around her.
Logic dictated she was truly, irrevocably gone, yet ever since learning of Lisette’s disappearance I had subconsciously searched everywhere for her. Though we knew so little about the vanishing curse, the desperation that deepened with every victim it claimed led me to believe that those it erased lingered, just out of sight. I had never needed this impossibility to be true more than when it had claimed the one person I’d been most desperate to protect.
As if my most fervent wish had been heard, unless I was mistaken an outline of her stood before me now, a phenomenon that didn’t immediately fade. I kept my gaze riveted as I slowly rose, but before I could draw closer I blinked once and she vanished, leaving nothing but the empty room. I leapt to my feet, my gaze darting around, but my search warranted nothing. After several frantic minutes of combing the entire room, I collapsed with a weary sigh and buried my face in my hands.
I must truly be going mad.
I could almost feel the process taking place as the composure I’d fought to maintain for so long slipped further from my grasp, leaving me nothing to cling to, nothing to keep me anchored in my sea of despair and self-doubt. Without anything to tether me I wouldn’t have the strength to carry the burden brought by expectation. I’d only been sustained these long months by dreaming of the day Lisette would become my wife. I had buoyed myself daily with the ever-increasing hope that with her at my side I’d have the strength to face the future; now that hope had vanished along with her.
Father’s voice filled my mind from when we’d met upon my return from discovering my fiancée’s disappearance: Princess Lisette’s fate is unfortunate, but even with this grave casualty, for the sake of our kingdom we must do all in our power to find another path forward.
I squeezed my eyes shut. Another path, one absent of the woman I’d spent years imagining would endure this treacherous journey at my side. Though my mind understood the situation, the protests of my heart whose duty was to remain reserved solely for my people acted as an obstacle.
In my meeting with Father and our advisor we’d discussed not only other possibilities for how to combat the curse but how to face the inevitable repercussions from Thorndale for the loss of their only princess. Aside from that looming threat, it would be nigh impossible to create a second arrangement with a different kingdom—my marriage contract with Princess Lisette had been created before the curse’s full power had been manifested.
With our current dire circumstances, not only was no other kingdom as foolish as the King of Thorndale had been to gamble away the life of their daughter, no other eligible princess or high-ranking noblewoman possessed what Lisette’s kingdom would bring to our marriage to help save Brimoire…nor were any of them her.
When had something that had begun as nothing more than a dutiful arrangement become so personal?
I recalled the first moment I’d seen my future wife when after months of negotiations we’d finally traveled to Thorndale. My heart pounded wildly in my chest the moment she finally entered the room, half hidden behind her father. When she finally edged forward and lifted her eyes to meet mine, I sucked in a breath of surprise.
I’d met several princesses in the past, all of whom exuded a certain level of poise, having been trained from birth for their position. Instead, a startling vulnerability reflected in Lisette’s wide green eyes that seemed to plead with me to rescue her from a plight that I didn’t understand.
No one had ever looked at me as though I was her sole hope, and I felt a nearly overwhelming urge to protect her from whatever had her trapped in such a state of pain and fear. Upon our arrangement I’d been told that while she didn’t possess great beauty she was known for her gentle kindness, but in that moment I scarcely noticed her appearance compared to the powerful draw I felt towards her.
My feet nearly urged me forward against my command, so I shifted my attention away to regain control. When I looked back at the princess I found her staring steadily at the floor, making me fear I’d somehow failed her, though I wasn’t sure how.
All throughout dinner I attempted to start a conversation, but my concern and confusion made my usual ease in conversing a struggle, a problem worsened by her brief, strained responses. My worry increased the more of her rising frustration I sensed. It was clear she suffered from deep distress. I yearned to know how to help her, but surrounded by others and unable to even catch her eye most of the time, I was at a loss.
Before I could think of a way to discreetly ask after her wellbeing, the ball began. I rose and extended a hand towards her, hoping that the semi-privacy of the dance floor would allow her to open up to me…but when I attempted to place my hand on her waist for the waltz, she cringed.
I stilled, wondering for the first time if I could possibly be the subject of her fear. Though the thought seemed in contrast with the way she’d looked at me earlier, with her continual silence betraying no further information, I didn’t know what to think.
Refusing to dance was out of the question, but I couldn’t bear the thought of causing her discomfort. After a moment’s consideration I offered the only relief I could and danced with as little contact as possible in hopes of easing the tension that bunched her shoulders.
At our dance’s conclusion, she quickly retreated. I spent the remainder of the evening circulating the room, meeting the officials of Thorndale and familiarizing myself with the people Lisette had grown up with. From time to time I glanced covertly towards the princess, who had found a quiet nook along the wall to watch the spinning couples on the floor.
I frequently felt her gaze on me and once more noticed the longing I’d seen when we first met. The look haunted me when I found myself alone in my guest chamber later that night. I paced restlessly, wondering what could have caused her fear and why she’d turned to me—still merely a stranger—for help.
Our subsequent meetings and infrequent letters eventually shed a little light—her behavior in part appeared to be due to an innate shyness that made it difficult for her to build relationships, yet this seemed to be combined with a deeper issue that I hoped to someday understand.
I never saw that look of desperate imploring again, at least not to the same extent. However, the princess became more reserved with each visit, treating me with careful politeness while concealing any true emotion beneath her bashfulness, as if determined to keep me from seeing more than a superficial version of herself. Even so, there were flashes of insight—expressions I caught in unguarded moments or the way she startled whenever her father came up behind her or spoke.
With our rare interactions, it seemed impossible to build the trust that would allow her to one day confide in me, and I longed to share my own struggles with her. Every time we were together, I hoped that we could begin to forge a true friendship, and every time we parted I felt a renewed desire for the day we would marry and finally have time to truly know one another and shoulder our burdens together—given time and patience, surely she would warm up to me and finally move past the cool indifference she constantly projected.
Despite our unsatisfying encounters and her increasing withdrawal, what started out as concern for my unknown betrothed gradually shifted into something more. Though I couldn’t pinpoint the moment when everything had changed, the turmoil I now experienced only confirmed that the indifference I projected served as a mask for my true feelings. They’d only deepened as I’d awaited news concerning my missing fiancée’s fate all day…only to be crushed when the guards I’d sent to search eventually returned with their report that they’d found no sign of her; she’d truly vanished.
Even with this devastating pronouncement I couldn’t shake the sensation that followed me as I wandered the palace, nor the various moments I thought I sensed her…from when I thought I felt her invisible touch caressing my back during our ride back to the palace—a gesture she would undoubtedly be too shy to initiate should she have really been there—to the several instances that followed upon our return. With every trick of the light I thought I glimpsed her in my peripheral vision…only to turn around and see nothing.
My awareness of her during these moments faded in and out, confirming that the times I thought she was nearby were nothing more than the fanciful whims of a desperate imagination. I’d no sooner given up on searching for an illusion that didn’t exist when I glimpsed it again—an outline I was too familiar with to mistake for anyone other than Lisette.
I gaped at her, bulging eyes blinking rapidly as I took in the features I’d feared I’d never see again, as if to discern whether the image before me was real. This time it didn’t fade. I felt as if I was staring at a shadowy reflection against the water, colorless and translucent, as if she wasn’t really there.
I shakily extended my hand to reach for hers, but my touch went right through her. “Lisette?” I spoke her name hesitantly, as if acknowledging her presence would cause reality to erase her once more—like dropping a pebble in water to disturb a reflection—but this time she didn’t fade.
She truly was here. Relief penetrated my shock and I hungrily took in her features before my mind drew its dreaded conclusion. “You’re invisible.”
It was undoubtedly a side effect of the curse, confirming Lisette had truly befallen the fate I most feared. Devastation threatened to consume me, only staved off by the reminder that my ability to see her must mean she hadn’t fully succumbed. Even though she hadn’t yet wholly vanished, a feeling of helplessness swept over me as I wondered how to prevent her from completely slipping away…if such a thing was even possible.
Despite being beyond pleased to see her, habit kept my usual indifferent countenance firmly in place, my usual protection. In turn she said nothing, simply watched me, her translucent brow furrowed in concentration, as if it took her considerable effort to remain visible. As much as I disliked it, the silence that always accompanied our conversations confirmed what my heart already knew: this was definitely Lisette.
Her reservation that had marked each of our previous interactions had made it difficult to get to know her, leaving me longing to know the thoughts her shyness often prevented her from expressing. This unquenched curiosity had been one of countless regrets upon learning of her fate, even as whatever mysterious magic that allowed me to see her now granted me a precious second chance…unless it was merely mocking me, allowing me a tantalizing glimpse that would never materialize. Part of me remained unconvinced she was really here, yet the comfort brought by her presence dispelled any lingering doubt. Even if only my desperation had conjured her, at least for this moment we were together again.
Yet our reunion was marred by the same awkwardness that filled our previous interactions—the tension and discomfort shrouding our extended silences filled with nothing but our uncertainties of what to say to one another. Silence pressed around us, the only measurement for the passage of time as I scrambled for the words always more difficult to conjure around her to voice the dozens of questions bombarding my mind.
When I finally managed to painstakingly string my thoughts together, I prioritized the most pressing inquiry just in case she or my voice slipped away again. “Are you alright?”
That finally stirred a reaction—she tilted her head in silent question. I silently berated myself for asking something so ridiculous when her current circumstances meant that she was anything but alright.
She seemed to be trying to say something. It took her several tries to manage quiet, whispery words that seemed to dissolve into nothingness the moment she spoke them. “It appears you can finally see me after all.”
Her words confirmed what my faltering sense yearned to believe: I had noticed her presence. There was so much I wanted to express midst my fierce relief. “I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you.” The apology extended deeper than my guilt in order to cover every regret for how our relationship had unfolded.
Her eyes narrowed. “For what reason? Because my disappearance has caused Brimoire great inconvenience? I’ve been watching you since you discovered the fate that befell me, and you seem to possess no other remorse.”
My heart constricted. “I—”
I had no excuse for not even taking the time to properly mourn the fate that had befallen her, yet another sin against her to add to those already marring my soul. Even through her verbal onslaught I couldn’t help but be awed at how many words she’d strung together, as if the curse had snatched not only her body but also some of the reservation that usually held her back.
She made to speak again, but her next words abruptly cut off when her translucid form suddenly faded like ripples settling against a lake. “Lisette?” I lurched forward to where she’d been but moments before, yet my frantic desperation grasped at nothing. Panic surged. “Lisette!”
At my frantic cry, her silhouette flickered briefly into view before fading once more. I didn’t avert my gaze from where she’d vanished, willing her to return into view. At my silent plea, the transparent outline forming her delicate features gradually came into focus, like a painting being formed one brushstroke of grey at a time.
I released a whooshing breath. “Lisette.”
Confusion marred the expression I could faintly discern, along with weariness, as if her effort to remain exhausted her. “Your voice seems to be the only thing keeping me from drifting away.”
If that was true, then nothing would compel me to leave her side. My heart swelled at having something tangible I could do to prevent her from vanishing, but also the hope that this connection keeping her here meant that perhaps my show of indifference throughout our relationship hadn’t been the only performance.
My fading worry returned in a rush when she suddenly gasped and pressed a see-through hand against her forehead. I reached for her. “Are you alright? Are you in pain?” Without a body I had hoped she wasn’t suffering from any discomfort, but now that I considered it, being trapped within the tendrils of a curse was undoubtedly disconcerting at the least, and quite possibly agonizing.
She didn’t immediately answer, and when she finally met my gaze she looked momentarily confused before recognition returned. “Lucien.” Her tone sounded as if she’d cast my name as a desperate lifeline. At my nod, the outline of her shoulders sank with relief. “For a moment I’d forgotten who you were, one of many recollections I seem to have lost.”
My heart lurched. “Has the curse taken those as well?” Unsurprisingly it spared nothing in its merciless consumption.
She nodded with a weary sigh. “From what I can tell, I seem to be trapped in an in-between state. I can only recall snippets, mostly of the recent events—I was on my way to marry you and my entourage stumbled upon the disappearing curse. Yet everything that came before…”
“You mean, you don’t remember our relationship?”
She shook her head. My heart pounded wildly at the idea that suddenly occurred to me, a miraculous possibility borne from all my years of regret and heartache like a phoenix rising from the ashes. I retained just enough sound judgment to experience the proper dishonor, yet the bounds I’d placed around my heart all of these years to keep it in check had broken the moment I learned of Lisette’s fate, giving it full rein over all sense.
“You truly don’t remember?” I had to be sure before my cowardice singlehandedly ruined everything. Hope sparked at her second confirmation, illuminating a new path I never would have considered a possibility.
My conscience flared. You mustn’t, Lucien; a relationship that develops from a lie is no relationship at all. But the opportunity consumed me, dictating my next words without conscious control. While dishonesty would create a weak structure upon which to build a relationship, any foundation was better than the nothing we’d forged since our engagement.
With a wavering breath I carefully stripped away the mask I’d spent years hiding beneath, allowing my locked away emotions to soften the hardness that usually comprised my expression and the tenderness I always withheld to fill my features.
“Then allow me to remind you: we are not only engaged, but are deeply in love.”
I wove the story from the narrative I wanted nothing more than to rewrite to the dream I most desired. My previous distance and lies had done nothing to protect her, while losing her had filled me with regret for what could have been if duty hadn’t made me a coward. I needed her kept not at arm’s length but at my side where she belonged, especially if I had any hope of saving her.
Puzzlement furrowed her brow. “Pardon?”
My heart wrenched at her doubt, though my behavior up until this point made such a reaction one I wholly deserved. Even if she couldn’t remember the details of our relationship, they must have left a subconscious impression upon her, giving her no positive memory to fill in the missing details brought by the curse-inflicted amnesia.
I would have a long road ahead in replacing every shadow I’d ever caused to fill her heart with light, one memory at a time, yet I couldn’t dread the journey with its promised destination. For the first time since her disappearance, true hope surged within me—not just a vain wish but an actual attainable goal, one I was determined we would reach together as we freed her from the curse’s effects and replaced our miserable, apathetic relationship with a close and vibrant one.
I reached for her hand, wrapping my fingers around the airy form I couldn’t feel in hopes the gesture would better convey the earnestness hidden beneath the lie. While I’d often escorted her at formal events, this was the first time I’d ever held her hand. Though I couldn’t feel the softness or warmth I’d often imagined from her skin, a surge of energy seemed to spread over me from the makeshift contact.
I met her eyes whose vivid green color had been washed away to nothing more than the colorlessness shrouding the rest of her form. “I love you, Lisette.”
Her breath caught. “You…love me?”
I nodded. “As such I won’t rest until I’ve found a way to break the curse upon you.” Even if it meant that when the invisibility trapping her was stripped away, her memories would return and she would learn of my deceit…a truth which would only shatter everything that nearly losing her had made me desperate to repair.