Chapter 6
Lisette
He…loves me?Though I couldn’t recall the memories I sensed slipping away beyond my control, love felt like a concept beyond my comprehension. How could my constant feelings of inadequacy and loneliness correspond with the kind of closeness Lucien described? I searched the prince’s wide and earnest eyes, the softness filling them foreign due to my inability to find the emotion amongst the broken fragments of my recollection.
“Were we truly in love?” The question born from my continued disbelief felt strange passing my lips, as if I’d never had any reason to speak such words out loud.
He hesitated a moment before nodding his confirmation. Rather than his affirmation bringing clarity to my indiscernible recollections, it instead added a brushstroke of cloudy grey to the ill-formed picture that didn’t seem to belong, bringing me not peace but instead deepening the confusion that shrouded me like my invisibility.
He seemed to be awaiting my response, as if hoping I would finally breach whatever fortress guarded these lost memories. I struggled through the thick, nearly impenetrable fog concealing my remembrances to stretch my memory as far back as it would go, sorting through the shattered pieces in hopes of forming a picture that matched the past he described…but the trails connecting my awareness to my storehouse of recollections seemed to have been erased with everything else.
I managed to glean a few snippets, breadcrumbs left behind in an otherwise dark labyrinth—appreciation of his handsome looks as well as admiration for his accomplishments and royal bearing. Such emotions seemed to be the result of a one-sided crush rather than a product of true romance and felt disconnected from me, as if I observed them as a bystander rather than experienced them firsthand from a relationship we’d forged together.
I lowered my gaze to my clasped hands, whose faint outline I could barely discern through the late afternoon light. “Such a relationship is too important for me to have carelessly forgotten. I’m sorry.”
His hand darted out to cradle where my chin might be if my body had a tangible form, as if to encourage me to look up at him. The gesture was enough for me to gather the courage to lift my gaze to meet his, wide with remorse. “I didn’t share this with you to make you sad. If anyone has something to apologize for, it’s me. The truth is—” I tilted my head in silent question, but he released a weary sigh, a pained expression crossing his face before he severed his gaze. “Nevermind.”
I waited in hopes he would continue, but whatever courage he’d gathered for the unknown topic he tentatively wanted to broach had vanished, leaving only the silence that felt far more familiar than our weak attempt at conversation. This familiarity wasn’t welcome midst my current uncertainty; I wanted to explore my lost memories in hopes they might strengthen the thread binding me to him.
“What was our relationship like?”
He didn’t immediately answer, sorting through the abundance of memories he claimed connected us for the most precious ones. “I began falling in love with you the moment I first saw you. Despite your shyness, you possessed a sweet spirit that shone through with every word and glance. With each interaction I strove to slowly uncover your protective layers in order to discover your true personality; with every glimpse, my feelings for you only deepened.”
I yearned for such a sentiment to be true, yet despite the beautiful recollection his tone was sad—almost wistful—giving me reason to doubt the words that on first glance painted a scenario one would expect from a budding courtship.
I emerged from my musings to find him watching me with curiosity mingled with some disappointment. “As charming as it is, your quiet nature leaves me continuously wondering what you could possibly be thinking.”
I crinkled my brow. “Even with our close relationship, was conversation still a struggle for us?” That possibility seemed closer to my image of what our courtship might have looked like.
His eyes widened almost in panic before his expression cleared and he offered a smile that appeared forced, as if he so rarely performed the gesture he wasn’t sure how. “Conversation became easier once we got to know one another better. Now we discuss anything and everything.”
I frowned. I could only recall silences in disjointed snippets from my scattered memories, yet they could easily have been woven with the conversations currently absent from my memory. Only the constant anxiety that had accompanied these conversations remained, faithfully present even now as I struggled to communicate with a man I’d supposedly loved.
My attempts to try and repair these distorted memories quickly exhausted me, not to mention the effort seemed futile in the face of a curse that not only possessed the power to once more seize whatever I managed to restore, but threatened to erase me from existence. Though I found some stability in his presence, even as it was difficult to cling to it against whatever force threatened to submerge me in the constantly threatening nothingness lapping against my senses without my complete understanding of the unseen connection that bound us.
Perhaps we truly had been in love; it seemed the only reasonable explanation. I could see no plausible reason for the prince to create an elaborate lie that would connect him to a mousy, unremarkable girl when all tangible benefit to our alliance had broken when I found myself invisible.
Despite that illogic, I yearned for his motives to be sincere. Yet trust felt as elusive as love, even as I wanted nothing more than to extend it, especially in this moment of uncertainty trapped in a state of in-between when I most needed the steady anchor trusting him would provide.
The light was beginning to fade as day melted into night and I felt my anxiety rising as my already illusive appearance dimmed, the shadows encroaching to erase my form. Lucien lit the candelabra adorning his desk, but its flickering amber glow wasn’t enough to keep me fully in view. He squinted through the shadowy light before sighing.
“You’re still visible, but just barely. I wish I better understood the phenomenon that makes seeing you even possible. I have never heard of anyone reappearing once the curse consumed them. Part of me fears my longings conjured you and you aren’t really here.”
“You want to see me that badly?” My tone was uncertain, evidence of the insecurity that still trapped me even without my being able to fully recall the details of its imprisonment.
He shyly met my gaze. “Whenever we were apart, I always counted down the days until I could see you again.” Despite his bashfulness at the confession, this statement—unlike some of his others—rang with confidence.
Warmth seeped over me, making the fuzzy lines that comprised my nearly nonexistent form slightly more defined…until a dark thought slithered unbidden through my mind, tugging my emerging smile back down. If that is true, why did you get the sense he dreaded your visits?
My mind whirled at the invasive contradiction. I tried to banish the thought, but it clung stubbornly, sending tendrils of unease around my heart. I wanted to ask him about it, but guilt over forgetting something that had been so important to him made me hesitate. I didn’t want to admit, even to myself, that part of me also dreaded that his honest answer would shatter the beautiful fairytale his words had carefully crafted.
A knock suddenly sounded and a young man entered; by the intruder’s resemblance, he was likely a familial relation. I searched my faded memories for Brimoire’s family tree but I couldn’t conjure a name, though I recognized him just enough to know the man wasn’t a stranger. Somewhere in my lost recollections I was certain we’d interacted on the level of acquaintances, though the details of our relationship had been lost with everything else.
Lucien appeared startled and rather annoyed by the interruption. His expression became stoic in an instant, a look that caused the familiarity I’d been struggling to locate throughout our entire exchange to stir deep within me. “Did you need something, Ryland?” His hardened tone was as unwelcoming as his entire manner.
Ryland…the name stirred my dormant memories, but I still couldn’t connect it to Brimoire’s royal family. He didn’t even glance in my direction as he approached Lucien. “Do I need an appointment to check on my brother?”
Lucien ignored him, his attention flickering between us for any sign that his brother noticed that the fiancée thought vanished was in fact standing inside this very room.
Ryland followed Lucien’s gaze, but though he stood directly beside me so that even in the faint light the prince should be able to notice, his reaction didn’t reflect any surprise at my presence. Lucien and I shared a glance as we realized he couldn’t see me after all, making it even more puzzling that my betrothed somehow could.
This fact not only acted as another mystery for our already overwhelming stack, but confirmed that the connection between me and Lucien was special. Whether or not the thread binding us was love that prevented me from completely disappearing remained to be seen.
“What are you looking at?”
Lucien squinted at me, as if willing me to take on a more tangible form. “You truly can’t see her?” By his hesitant tone, I wondered if he was beginning to doubt his own eyes.
Concern furrowed Ryland’s brow. “See what?”
“See…” Lucien’s voice trailed off. He blinked several times as his vision repeatedly darted back and forth between us, as if testing whether his eyes were playing tricks on him…yet our gazes remained connected, my only reassurance that even with my limited visibility I hadn’t fully faded. More than ever he felt like my sole lifeline in this realm where apparently no one else could sense me.
Ryland’s gaze passed over me as he took in the room before resting a conciliatory hand on his brother’s shoulder. “Are you alright? Is this about the new engagement Father is arranging for you now that Princess Lisette is gone?” He kept his tone low to preserve the secrecy masking his words, as if some subconscious part of him sensed my presence his consciousness remained ignorant of.
My heart beat wildly as the full implication of this horrific revelation settled over me. An arrangement with another? I reached within to extract glimpses of a meeting I’d recently witnessed in my invisible state while I helplessly watched, unseen and soundless, from the sidelines.
They reappeared in fragmented patches, the broken recollection just enough to confirm Ryland’s onslaught. With each attack I felt the connection keeping me tethered to the world around me weakening, leaving me subject to the curse’s attempts to submerge me in the nothingness lying in wait to consume me.
I sought Lucien’s eyes, my silent demand for answers, but shame caused him to guiltily avert his gaze. “It’s not true?” While my whispered tone didn’t penetrate whatever shield protected me from Ryland’s notice, Lucien flinched and cast me a remorseful glance.
“I—” But his apologetic words failed him. He worriedly gauged my reaction, visible even in the darkness of the corner I’d retreated to.
My shock gradually shifted into anger, which deepened into hurt, intimately familiar even midst my vanished memories for how intricately I sensed it had been woven with my life, relentlessly attacking my heart with a force I would do anything to escape.
Desperation drew Lucien near enough to lean towards my ear. “Though I’m acting in accordance to my kingdom’s wishes, nothing is finalized. With your reappearance, our own engagement agreement takes precedence over every other contract.”
His voice trailed off as he glanced at his brother, watching the confusing exchange with a single raised eyebrow. Lucien’s disheartened expression communicated the words he didn’t express loud: with my presence remaining undetected by anyone but Lucien, there was no proof that I still existed for us to claim our engagement…making it essentially void as long as I remained trapped in this existence from which I hadn’t the faintest idea how to escape.
Ryland observed his brother’s escalating alarm with considerable dismay. “It’s been a long time since I’ve witnessed you exhibit so much emotion. I’m admittedly surprised your fiancée’s disappearance has affected you so deeply.”
Lucien stiffened and shot his brother a glance before his anxious eyes sought my corner again. I stared back at him, trying to understand Ryland’s underlying meaning. His words deepened the wounds already afflicted on my heart, increasing my whirling confusion. Lucien had claimed we’d loved one another, yet this reassurance didn’t match his brother’s perception of our relationship that stirred a deeply burrowed truth that forgetfulness hadn’t fully smothered.
Perhaps it wasn’t our forgotten love that connected us and prevented my dull disappearance, but instead our vast distance that kept me from fully reappearing.
Lucien reached for my hand as if hoping to reassure me, but his fingers only grasped at air, reaffirming just how much separated us. He tried reaching for my hand again, but I withdrew. “Lisette…please! Allow me to—”
His frantic whisper wasn’t enough to stretch across the growing chasm between us, but it reached his brother. “Who are you talking to?” Ryland turned towards where Lucien faced, yet still gave no indication he could see me.
Lucien’s breath caught and he lurched forward, and I realized I was fading. “Lisette!”
But his desperate words couldn’t reach me, his regrets futile against my consuming despair. No amount of remorse would change the fact that despite my absent memories that may or may not align with his earlier declaration that we cared for one another, love held no power to connect us without a binding contract, nor could it save me now.
Loneliness, inadequacy, helplessness, pain…I didn’t want to experience this agony anymore; if only they could disappear. The sea of nothingness beckoned me with promises that it would alleviate the burden weighing heavily upon me, wash away all of this hurt until it drifted away, leaving me free.
In response to my silent wish, the curse’s tendrils tightened, coiling about me until the world around me began to fade, as if I was falling into a deep slumber. The last thing I recalled was Lucien’s frantic cry of my name and his wild look as he watched the nothingness once more lay claim over me.