Chapter 16
Despite the long hours he’d dedicated to his duties, the piles of documents surrounding Lucien showed no sign of shrinking. With each passing hour his exhaustion deepened, yet he pressed forward with no sign of wavering in the tedious responsibilities that consumed him.
I worriedly eyed the dark circles beneath his eyes, guilt twinging my breast at the knowledge that they hadn’t been the sole result of overwork. I’d spent another night in his room, but unlike the first he hadn’t immediately fallen asleep. Instead we’d stayed up for several hours talking—me floating atop his bed, him propped up on his elbow on the floor—a continuation of the closeness we’d attempted to bridge during our time together in the garden.
At first my shyness had left me uncertain what to talk about, but as the conversation lengthened, topics to discuss came more easily and the reservation that usually held me captive gradually faded—unlike with my memories, I wasn’t unhappy to see it vanish.
Looking back over the conversation whose measurement had stretched across the majority of the night, I was unable to recall everything we’d talked about; each subject acted as a single star that together created a beautiful constellation on the velvety night.
A few memories glistened more brightly than the rest of the starry tapestry carefully woven from our time together: shy confessions, words of encouragement that fed my heart starved since childhood, and the sweetest declarations of caring. I cherished these moments as the precious jewels they were…until Aira’s arrival after Lucien had finally fallen asleep attempted to tarnish them.
The exchange had helped me expand my patchwork of memories. Though I still couldn’t recall details of my courtship or the purpose I wanted to create with him, emotions filled in the blank spaces—sadness, fear, discouragement, loneliness…and most of all my soul-deep longings for affection. Only during my time with Lucien had I finally found where I belonged, a refuge I refused to lose to Aira’s doubts or the curse that consumed my memories.
I’d had many questions concerning the unseen place she went whenever she wasn’t interacting with me, but her onslaught of accusations against Lucien had given me no time to ask them. After she’d spent the precious few minutes she possessed imparting her usual doubts and warnings, she’d departed, leaving only uncertainty in her wake.
Beyond the obstacle she tried to wedge between me and Lucien, the longer I spent with my handmaiden, the fainter the curtain blocking my awareness to the world that lay beyond my sight became. Though I couldn’t detect any of the residents of the unseen land the way I could Aira, I often thought I could hear their whispers flitting by like a soft breeze.
I wanted to cross this bridge and explore this invisible world in hopes that learning more about it would in turn help Lucien with his duty in breaking the curse, even as I feared my investigations would leave me susceptible to its influence and risk the fragile reprieve I’d found from vanishing completely.
The documents rustled as Lucien continued his work. He frequently paused to look up, as if checking to ensure I was still there. I appreciated his consideration, so different from my usual role as a wallflower whose sole purpose was to serve as a decoration wherever I was permitted to occupy, even as my guilt deepened.
As the crown prince of a doomed land suffering from a ravaging curse, he had far more important things to concern himself with than his invisible fiancée, meaning I was getting in the way of what truly mattered. I wanted to support him, not be a distraction that detracted from his responsibilities.
A strange feeling settled over me as I watched him buried under his tasks, the urgent need to help. I tried to grasp one of his many documents but my hand only went uselessly through it. Even if I could pick it up, I doubted I possessed the knowledge required to assist him. A stab of frustration coursed through me at my shortcomings and I wondered, not for the first time, how I could possibly be a strong and wise consort for Lucien…assuming I was ever restored to my body.
Father hadn’t felt any need to provide me with an education that extended beyond the bare minimum required of a noblewoman, considering he saw me as nothing more than a pawn to maneuver however he saw fit—the most useful strategy being to create a union that would be most advantageous to him. My arrangement with Lucien had happened outside my awareness, already set in motion by the time I’d learned of it, making me powerless to question the decision.
Some of the surviving memories from my courtship stirred, painful recollections of the sense of inadequacy I experienced each time I visited Brimoire. Compared to Lucien’s capabilities, I was ill-suited for the mantle I would inherit upon our union.
My earlier fear that had been waiting in the wings of my thoughts returned. Perhaps it’s not you he wants, but instead he’s desperate to protect the reason your union was arranged. I remembered with a sense of dread that I had not yet ascertained whether he knew of my true parentage. Would his reasons for desiring a marriage alliance with me disappear once he discovered the truth?
“Are you alright?” Lucien noticed my melancholy the next time he sought me out.
I wasn’t yet brave enough to ask for the reasons why he’d agreed to our union. I lowered my eyes. “You’re so busy and my curse is only adding to your burden. I wish there was a way I could help you.” Yet even if I had the body needed to peruse the mountainous stack of documents, I doubted I was capable enough to assist him—not just in this instance but any of the duties required of a queen.
I startled as the shadow of his fingers’ caress grazed my chin, encouraging me to lift my gaze in order to meet his. “For now your presence by my side is enough.”
Despite the comfort brought by such a sentiment, it didn’t fully ease my anxiety. With the ever-escalating stakes it seemed wasteful to spend my time in idleness; I’d done too much of that already with the passiveness I’d allowed to dictate my life for far too long.
I would need to experiment with how much distance I could manage, while still allowing us to maintain the fragile connection keeping me tethered to the visible world in order to do all within my power for him. Perhaps I could use this time to investigate other areas of the palace, though I wasn’t sure how much I would be able to accomplish with my current inability to interact with the tangible world.
I would slip away so Lucien could work without any distractions the moment his attention was diverted. The door fell within Lucien’s direct line-of-sight, so instead I sidled soundlessly towards the wall and pushed experimentally against it. My hand easily went through to the corridor on the other side, confirming I’d be able to leave without his notice. I pressed my shoulder into the wall and allowed it to enclose half of my body.
“Lisette!” Lucien’s frantic cry was followed by the sound of his chair toppling over as he rushed towards me. I tried to turn around to tell him of my plan and assure him I wouldn’t be wandering far…only to find I couldn’t move. The wall I’d once broached as easily as dipping my hand into a pond had suddenly solidified, trapping the left side of my body still wedged inside. Try as I might, I couldn’t tug myself free.
Panic momentarily swelled, but before my anxiety could completely overtake me Lucien finally reached me; his presence alone calmed my fears enough for me to remind myself that without a body I couldn’t truly be hurt.
Confusion furrowed his brow when I made no motion to emerge from the wall and join him on this side. I squeezed my eyes shut in mortification to block out his face once I admitted my predicament; I’d never wanted to succumb to the vanishing force more than I did in this moment.
“It appears the curse chose this particular moment to give me enough form to prevent me from going through things.”
I braced myself for the mirth that would surely follow the ridiculous pronouncement but there was only heavy silence. I tentatively peeked one eye open a sliver to find him gaping at me with bulging eyes.
“You’re…stuck in the wall?” At my nod, the amusement I’d anticipated caused lips to twitch. “This is another twist I never would have expected would unfold during our courtship.”
I heaved a dramatic sigh. “Your royal education was quite lacking if it neglected to teach you the honorable way of assisting your fiancée when she becomes trapped in the palace architecture.”
He snorted. He tried to suppress the offensive reaction with his hand, but it escaped in a burst of bouncy, contagious sound.
I gaped at him, certain that this was the first time I’d ever heard him laugh. It lit his normally emotionless eyes and reached across the space dividing us to enfold me in a cocoon of warmth, its comforting embrace made stronger knowing my wit had caused his mirth.
My embarrassment melted away and I couldn’t help but smile in return. “I suppose every courtship needs a few obstacles to overcome.”
“True, but I never envisioned one such as this.” His humor vanished in an instant. “Are you in any pain?”
“No, just…uncomfortable.” I’d experienced such a sensation many times before, but not since the curse had consumed my body. My entire left side ached from being pinched by the stones and exhaustion weighed my limbs, as if the days I hadn’t required rest had suddenly overwhelmed me in a single rush of discomfort.
Perplexity furrowed his brow. “Uncomfortable? But without a body, you shouldn’t…” He trailed off and reached out a hesitant hand and experimentally tentatively poked my arm. Once more his touch went through me, but in a different way than before—rather than my feeling nothing more than the mere shadow of his touch, this time it felt similar to making contact while wearing gloves.
I gasped at the startling sensation and lifted my gaze to meet his own startled one. We stared at one another a moment before he experimentally ran his forefinger down my arm, leaving behind a trail of heat. Upon reaching my hand, his fingers fluttered against my skin as they curled around my hand.
At first our position wasn’t much different from the other moments he’d tried holding my hand, but then feeling gradually returned as my body thawed from its previous state of numbness to awaken to the sensations created from the warmth of his skin against mine…though my hand remained transparent, evidence I remained cloaked beneath the curse’s power.
Awe softened his expression. “I’m touching you.”
He waited a moment, as if afraid this reprieve was only temporary and I would eventually lose form. When I remained solid, he laced our fingers together, causing pleasure to extend from his touch to tiptoe across my skin.
“I’m touching you.” His reverence deepened as his thumb stirred in tentative exploration to stroke the back of my own before he suddenly stilled. “Is this alright?”
Breathless, I nodded. I’d spent a long time wondering what it’d be like to hold his hand and the experience was far more incredible than I could have imagined, so much so that I was certain I’d never experienced anything quite like it before…raising doubts once again as to whether we’d truly had the close relationship he’d previously claimed, tainting the moment before I forced it away.
He mistook my fleeting emotion and worry eclipsed his previous wonder. “Forgive me, I’m not meaning to make light of a serious situation. We need to free you from the wall.”
His brows drew together as he took in my half-wedged body. From his exploring caresses I seemed to be in a state of in-between—tangible enough for him to finally be able to touch me, but wispy enough that with some effort I would hopefully be able to pass back through the wall.
“I feel as if I’m stuck within a confined space rather than permanently trapped. I think that with some maneuvering we should likely be able to tug me free.”
His hold tightened around my hand while his other gripped my wrist. With a grunt of exertion he pulled. My body ached with pressure, as if I was trying to walk against a fierce wind. At first I remained unmoving, but with another burst of force I felt myself pull free.
The sudden momentum caused me to lose my balance. Lucien gave an oof in pain as I tumbled into him and sent us both careening to the ground, my body collapsing on top of his. I immediately became hyperaware of every sensation of him beneath me—the firmness of his chest that rose with each of his frantic breaths, the rapid beat of his heartbeat against my cheek, and most of all the warm contours of his body molded against mine.
Dazed, I looked up and my breath caught seeing his face inches from mine, so close that leaning forward slightly would be enough to completely close the distance between us. He gasped and rested his hands on my shoulders to push me away…only to remain still, while I made no motion to move from our intimate position.
Time lost all meaning as our gazes seeped into one another’s. Eventually he stirred to hypnotically lift his hand to run his thumb across my transparent cheek, leaving behind a faint hint of heat, confirmation that with every interaction between us, my transparency gradually took more form.
“I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to do that.” His voice had grown deeper, almost husky; the sound vibrated through me, causing a pleasant shiver to curl up my spine.
His fluttery caress lingered against my cheek for a long, blissful moment before extending up to run his fingers through my hair. He suddenly paused, eyes wide with uncertainty.
“Do you welcome my touch?”
The words about how much I yearned to forever lose myself in this moment currently felt impossible to express beyond a faint nod. He smiled shyly and reached for my hair again, but in that moment we were interrupted when the door burst open and his guard hurried inside.
“Your Highness, I heard a cry and—” He froze upon discovering the crown prince splayed across the floor in an awkward position, shock and confusion that was quickly eclipsed with purpose as he hastened to Lucien’s side, his gaze not even flickering in my direction.
It appeared that even with my more tangible form I still remained beyond everyone’s sight. The thought might have been disappointing if not for my fierce relief that my invisibility spared Lucien’s reputation to have been found in such a comprising position with a woman he wasn’t yet married to.
Crimson flooded Lucien’s cheeks as ignored his guard’s offered hand and hastily sat us up, his hands curled around my waist to help me maintain my balance. “I’m alright,” he said hastily. “I just…tripped.”
The guard took in the floor empty of even a rug that could have caused the normally poised prince to fall. Upon realizing this, Lucien gently eased me off his lap and hasted to his feet—as if the sooner he righted himself, the sooner he could begin salvaging his flustered reputation—before stooping to help me up, a gesture that undoubtedly looked quite puzzling to the perplexed guard.
Even after I’d stood Lucien seemed reluctant to release me, nor did he seem inclined to look away; only his guard’s awkward clearing of his throat was enough to break the spell that had settled over us. He hastily straightened and brushed off his clothes before facing his guard.
“Thank you for your assistance, but I am well.” Impatience cracked his normal composure, his urgency for us to be alone. Though clearly confused, the guard obeyed the implied command, and left with a bow. Tension choked the silence that followed the guard’s departure, broken by Lucien’s groan. “I’m so sorry, Lisette. I didn’t mean—I shouldn’t have—” It seemed he couldn’t bear to finish, his gaze falling to the floor.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” I said. “I’m the one who got stuck in the wall. Without your help, I’d likely remain there forever to haunt you whenever you tried to work.”
His lips twitched. “I never would have imagined that the first I really touched you would be after such an incident. Who knew I’d be so grateful for a piece of palace architecture as I now am for that wall.”
My eyebrow rose. “The first time you’ve truly touched me? What about the moments during our courtship before?”
His eyes bulged. “Before? Yes, of course we touched many times during our first courtship…” But his voice was weaker, less confident, and he couldn’t meet my gaze.
Foreboding knotted my stomach. I didn’t want to dwell on the inconsistencies found in his words, but there had now been one too many for me to ignore them any longer. The moment I was alone once more, I would need to find a way to investigate them. Until then, I forced myself to temporarily push away my growing unease to focus on the matter at hand.
Now that I was free, I wanted to untangle the puzzle of how an intangible body could have gotten stuck in the first place, anything to distract myself from the awkwardness choking the air from our previous tangle of limbs and my deepening reservations about Lucien’s claims. I’d had no difficulty tumbling through his door the day before to find myself in yet another embarrassing situation, so what had accounted for the change?
I stretched my mind back to all the moments just before I’d become solid—from our time together on the garden swing, to our late night conversation, to his acknowledgment that my presence alone was enough to help him. All of these shared a common thread—the more I’d felt seen and acknowledged by him, the more solidified I’d become.
But such a change had come too late. Why was it during this progress that I now had reason to doubt him again? My fragile hold around the tangibility I’d rediscovered weakened as my doubts strengthened, my longing to believe him fighting a losing battle against Aira’s accusations, my scattered bits of memory, and my current observations. Unsure how to broach the subject or if I even wanted to discuss it at all, I did my best to keep my inner turmoil hidden.
Yet when Lucien next reached for my hand, his fingers fell through, evidence that supported the last thing I wanted to believe—no matter how desperately I tried to cling to him, he would only slip away.